Your girl going to parties

[Divorced w 3]

She is right. She is not property. Why be so needy and so young?
If she wants to bang other dudes she find anywhere to do it.
Shes not that into you. If it were me I would pull attention away and escalate at the right times. Its sex only or next. Forget your relationship brain

This is pretty much how I was going to say it.

I used to try the ultimatum/verbal boundaries thing.

in my opinion, the better way to do it, (and what Pook preaches) is you simply stay cool about it.

So for instance, the opportunity arises to comment on a situation that I personally don’t desire in a partner. Example, excessive happy hour attendance, drinking related functions or the like. I simply say, tough day, tough week, etc, whatever it may be? And then the next time an opportunity arises where I am invited to a function like that, I don’t attend. Don’t say you’re upset, don’t judge, just let the person give you an opportunity to demonstrate where your values are. And then play it from there.

this is the difference between abundance and scarcity. Inherent in the above is the, ‘ I will not be attending’ and ‘how many other times is he going to put up with this’ which should get the hamster running.

do this right and you may end up with oral .

 

[AntoniousIV]

This is pretty much how I was going to say it.

I used to try the ultimatum/verbal boundaries thing.

in my opinion, the better way to do it, (and what Pook preaches) is you simply stay cool about it.

So for instance, the opportunity arises to comment on a situation that I personally don’t desire in a partner. Example, excessive happy hour attendance, drinking related functions or the like. I simply say, tough day, tough week, etc, whatever it may be? And then the next time an opportunity arises where I am invited to a function like that, I don’t attend. Don’t say you’re upset, don’t judge, just let the person give you an opportunity to demonstrate where your values are. And then play it from there.

this is the difference between abundance and scarcity. Inherent in the above is the, ‘ I will not be attending’ and ‘how many other times is he going to put up with this’ which should get the hamster running.

do this right and you may end up with oral .

that makes some sense, thanks. Although I hate that a girl would go to parties ig that's the 21st century

 

[AntoniousIV]

replace "goes partying" with "f*cks other dudes" and see if that scenario still makes sense.

Set boundaries and if she is unwilling to respect them, demote her to plate. When you find a woman who is willing to respect your boundaries - she is worth solidifying as more than just a plate.

Plates have no expectations except sex.
Girlfriends have the expectation of monogamy.
Wives have lifestyle expectations + monogamy.

You're extremely unlikely to stumble onto a wife that meets your lifestyle expectations by default, but by setting boundaries and expectations - you can mold her to your ideal woman. Again, she has to want to be in your frame and respect your boundaries willingly.

Your mistake in the past was expecting more of women who are not willing to respect your boundaries - and it backfired. You'll never get a woman to take accountability for her actions, so you must adjust your operating procedure to accommodate.

Ok this also makes a lot of sense. Demoting them to plates seems smart. But how do you balance plates if one girl finds out? Some people say be honest(own it), some people say lie. What works?

 

[Bigpapa]

where you draw the line between being a ***** and having boundaries?
Let’s say it’s just a boundary of mine to not accept a girl that goes to parties. Why should I force myself to accept it even though it’s against my boundaries?

It is always about the context when it is not really serious stuff

This is the only thing that you understood from what this guy said, that the girl went to a party with her friends?

Plus, it was not even a party, the girl went to a concert

And what is quit sad, assuming that the OP and you are normal, is that you guys by what you wrote look like a male version of a drama queen and get triggered by everything

 

[Divorced w 3]

So instead of overtly stating your boundaries, your solution is to craft a covert contract instead?

I don't agree with your approach here.

Well, for perspective, between the two of us, I’m not the one laying down boundaries and starting threads about it backfiring and getting cheated on.

 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

Boundaries like this are just trouble, if she's a free spirit, just enjoy your time with her and keep it moving

 

[AntoniousIV]

It is always about the context when it is not really serious stuff

This is the only thing that you understood from what this guy said, that the girl went to a party with her friends?

Plus, it was not even a party, the girl went to a concert

And what is quit sad, assuming that the OP and you are normal, is that you guys by what you wrote look like a male version of a drama queen and get triggered by everything

It's a party. It's in a nightclub setting, there's as much people as space in the whole area (the area is meant for parties, and it's just the singers who for 30 minutes max then leave)

 

[member162951]

The problem is not that she went to the party, the problem is that you lost frame and looked like a b1tch by how you behaved

Girls are all the time outside on their own ( including clubs/parties/Holliday) and nothing happens

She had a ticked bought before you guys even started dating. What did you expect, to not go with her friends to something cool and just stay at home with a guy that started becoming sentimental and insisted that she should throw her ex stuff to the garbage

In the moment you started acting like a b1tch she started losing respect little by little till you blocked her for going to a party and the unblocked her after 4 days? Wtf dude, you really expected things to be good after you behaved like how you behaved?

The name of the thread should be “ how not to act like a b1tch”

I'm surprised this post didn't get more likes. And this also from @Bigpapa .

Plus, it was not even a party, the girl went to a concert

And what is quit sad, assuming that the OP and you are normal, is that you guys by what you wrote look like a male version of a drama queen and get triggered by everything

You still gotta lot to learn OP.

 

[Divorced w 3]

Neither am I. I wasn't cheated on.

Work on your reading comprehension.

here, I'll help:

There usually isn’t

 

[AntoniousIV]

I'm surprised this post didn't get more likes. And this also from @Bigpapa .



You still gotta lot to learn OP.

Why does she need stuff from her ex?

 

[Bigpapa]

It's a party. It's in a nightclub setting, there's as much people as space in the whole area (the area is meant for parties, and it's just the singers who for 30 minutes max then leave)

Like most of the concerts

Really man, it is extremely sad that this the only thing that you understand from the whole situation ( including what you did before her going wherever she went and after )

You got triggered that she went without you, instead of keeping your cool and seeing how she will behave. She could have stayed only 1h for the concert, maybe she would have stayed all night, maybe she would have been gangbanged by the artist and his friends, maybe she would not have went all together. You know what, it does not even matter what she would have done because she is not your property, and no one forced you in a relationship. You forced yourself in a relationship

You have no idea how a person is, and that is why you should embrace these kind of stuff in order to better know them and thus vet them for a relationship or not

You just got triggered and started getting jealous pre and post, and shot yourself in the foot in the process

The poor girl is innocent and most likely she is quite happy that you lost focus so easily and thus dodged a bullet. No one wants to have a relationship with a drama queen

Dunno man, to me it kinda sounds that you are either dumb or autistic. You just don’t get it

 

[Divorced w 3]

So instead of overtly stating your boundaries, your solution is to craft a covert contract instead?

I don't agree with your approach here.

There’s nothing covert dude. She’s not my property. It’s really easy, this isn’t rocket science, this isn’t some elaborate ploy, it’s called being confident and being yourself and just doing whatever the hell feels true to me and myself and not tattooing my non existent wedding ring onto my finger.

 

[member162951]

Why does she need stuff from her ex?

It's shouldn't be your business, you're not exclusive, you're not her 'boyfriend'. Nor her *property* as @Divorced w 3 posted.

 

[Divorced w 3]

You're taking (and making) this too personal. All I said was that I disagree with your approach, and it sounded like a covert contract.

It seems that's too much for you to handle, so we can stop derailing OP's thread by just letting it end where it's at.

Bro you have like 18 posts in this thread and you’re not qualified to offer any advice whatsoever on how to maintain frame. I’m not Magic Johnson either by any stretch but just go look in a mirror homey if you’re not dishing out stuff you can’t backup yourself.

 

[Divorced w 3]

So instead of letting a disagreement end as that, you insist on derailing OP's thread and going on about my inability to maintain frame? Right.

I told my wife what my expectations were, and that if she wasn't going to meet them - she was getting replaced. These are things that should have been done from the start, but I didn't know how to do this any differently until recently. I've made many mistakes, and I've also learned from them - some of which I'm still learning from.

Is this not a place to trade notes and learn from other's lived experiences?

If I was a dentist, and my own teeth were falling out, would you come to me for your next dental exam?

 

[AntoniousIV]

Like most of the concerts

Really man, it is extremely sad that this the only thing that you understand from the whole situation ( including what you did before her going wherever she went and after )

You got triggered that she went without you, instead of keeping your cool and seeing how she will behave. She could have stayed only 1h for the concert, maybe she would have stayed all night, maybe she would have been gangbanged by the artist and his friends, maybe she would not have went all together. You know what, it does not even matter what she would have done because she is not your property, and no one forced you in a relationship. You forced yourself in a relationship

You have no idea how a person is, and that is why you should embrace these kind of stuff in order to better know them and thus vet them for a relationship or not

You just got triggered and started getting jealous pre and post, and shot yourself in the foot in the process

The poor girl is innocent and most likely she is quite happy that you lost focus so easily and thus dodged a bullet. No one wants to have a relationship with a drama queen

Dunno man, to me it kinda sounds that you are either dumb or autistic. You just don’t get it

Well I'm only here asking for advice because I might actually not know some stuff. Call it a concert or a party the implication is the same, men go there to get girls.
Maybe you're mentally limited if you think calling me autistic will help when im asking for advice.
I don't get what's so bad about telling her to not go to a party. I didn't drop a hissy fit once, or said I did. I just set boundries calmly she didn't follow them. Wanted to next her but couldn't keep my decision.

And now im here asking for advice so I know what to do the next time. I don't understand how you would think that you're helpful at all considering what you've said, and blaming me for not taking anything else except the concert part.

 

[Divorced w 3]

If you were a dentist who had teeth falling out, and you managed to fix them and want to help others avoid the same mistakes? Yeah, probably.
I mean, not you, but some other hypothetical dentist, sure.

In the week ago that you wrote your thread, you cleaned all your marital issues up and developed a new set of experiences? That’s amazing bro. Hat off.

 

[member162951]

I told my wife what my expectations were, and that if she wasn't going to meet them - she was getting replaced.

I'm gonna assume you worded it differently to your now wife but seriously man, what's the boundary here? You're not allowed to attend a party, event, concert with your friends unless I accompany you? And your now wife complied to that? OK but wow.

That strikes me as so insecure, OP is not even her boyfriend ffs, but even if he were, still sounds overly insecure, obsessive and controlling but whatever if it worked for you more power to ya.

 

[AntoniousIV]

I'm gonna assume you worded it differently to your now wife but seriously man, what's the boundary here? You're not allowed to attend a party, event, concert with your friends unless I accompany you? And your now wife complied to that? OK but wow.

That strikes me as so insecure, OP is not even her boyfriend ffs, but even if he were, still sounds overly insecure, obsessive and controlling but whatever if it worked for you more power to ya.

When did I say unless I accompany you? She couldn't do it either way.

 

[Bigpapa]

I'm gonna assume you worded it differently to your now wife but seriously man, what's the boundary here? You're not allowed to attend a party, event, concert with your friends unless I accompany you? And your now wife complied to that? OK but wow.

That strikes me as so insecure, OP is not even her boyfriend ffs, but even if he were, still sounds overly insecure, obsessive and controlling but whatever if it worked for you more power to ya.

I view things from a different perspective, maybe you want some time off from her to just chill by yourself

If she does not keep friends around and go out with them from time to time, she will
Bug me daily

Furthermore, if she can not go out with her friends, she will expect the same thing from you

So, actually all your life will revolve around her, which is quite far away from the teachings preached here about “ being independent from women”

Like I have mentioned in previous threads, a lot of hypocrites here

Most guys here just want to fell powerful and think that by blowing things out of
Proportions and acting like a tyrant will give the m the high they seek ( feeling important )