Some thoughts needed. Help appreciated!

[jamesfromhouston]

Howdy bros.

In a predicament at the moment. Would appreciate the thoughts my fellow DJs.

I got into a relationship with my gf, who I met from a friend's party about 7 months ago. A month into our relationship, another girl from the party group started to flirt with me because we always bumped into each other in the same parties we went to. I ended up meeting up with this other girl on the side, smoked up and we fooled around maybe 3 or 4 times. Usually on drunken nights after partying. We also would flirt and text one another occasionally. But I never took that girl seriously and eventually I stopped seeing her altogether. For 7 months I put in a lot of effort for my gf, I helped build her a dog house, I helped her move, I helped her deal with work issues, I stopped doing certain things she disliked like plate spinning and I really gave so much to the relationship.

Anyway, my gf recently looked at my unlocked phone when I was showering and saw the old texts from this girl. She then decided to approach the girl who also confirmed it. Ofcourse she broke up with me immediately.

During our break up meet at a cafe, I came clean about it. I told her what I did but that the side girl was a mistake and I was sorry for hurting my gf. But I also highlighted that I wasn't truly happy with my relationship because sometimes it was extremely difficult to communicate with my gf. She can be difficult to deal with and has a very jaded personality because of previous abuse by her ex. Sometimes I felt a lack of appreciation and most of the time stressed being in the relationship and in trying to keep up with my gf. Yet I kept at it because I had love for her. My gf suggested we try to work on our relationship again and rekindle. I took that seriously.

After a month of rekindling, she once again broke up with me by a massive 3 a.m. text essay several days ago. She tells me that I am an *sshole for everything I did. She accuses me of being a master manipulator for psychologically torturing her. My gf was always very jaded in our relationship but now with this incident, she seems to discount everything I've done for her and the relationship. She just focuses on this infraction and sees everything as an infraction. Any attempt to rationalise with her is seen as an attempt at manipulating her. I really was made to sound like such a mastermind.

I thought there was nothing left for me to do. So I licked my wound, just swallowed it up and decided not to contact her anymore.

She calls me 2 days ago and lectures me about not trying enough. I told her she literally sees me as an *sshole, what more can I do? She tells me it is my duty to change that. I asked her how, when she has broken up with me and I asked if she wanted to rekindle again. She suggested even if we are broken up, I need to fix her. I told her I am sorry I can't be some friend or orbiter and just fix her like that if there is no relationship.

I still do have feelings for my gf. I do feel guilt for what I have done. I would love to fix things. At one point I had hope that things could be fixed but at this point I am not sure anymore. I don't understand her behaviour.

With all that said, what do you DJs think? What would you guys do in this situation? What do you guys suggest?

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

Well the trust is broken if there ever was any. She caught you creeping. The best thing to do is walk away it’ll never be good or solid again.

Go no contact and withdraw the best you can do at this point is plate her - but I’d walk away.

If you don’t she will hang this over your head for as long as you are together. Not worth it.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Some things cannot be fixed, no matter how much you want to.
I agree with Pierce, just throw in the towel, put this one behind you and find another woman. And if you truly care, don't make the same mistakes again.

 

[jamesfromhouston]

So there is no way to rescue this one?

And I should just ignore future pleas from her?

 

[pipeman84]

I wasn't truly happy with my relationship because sometimes it was extremely difficult to communicate with my gf. She can be difficult to deal with and has a very jaded personality because of previous abuse by her ex.

My gf was always very jaded in our relationship but now with this incident, she seems to discount everything I've done for her and the relationship.

So there is no way to rescue this one?

Why would you want to rescue being in an unhappy relationship with a jaded person who apparently attracts/creates misery around her (clue: the abusive ex)?

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

So there is no way to rescue this one?

Of course, there is always a way to repair, but I can guarantee you that you'll be her emotional punch bag for the rest of the relationship.

And I should just ignore future pleas from her?

No contact, put her out of your mind as one of your past mistakes and go find a new woman.

 

[CornbreadFed]

Been there done that, learn your lesson and move on. The rest is her simply gas lighting and manipulating you for cheating. Tell her this relationship is over and put it to rest.

 

[Learning Curve]

Howdy bros.

In a predicament at the moment. Would appreciate the thoughts my fellow DJs.

I got into a relationship with my gf, who I met from a friend's party about 7 months ago. A month into our relationship, another girl from the party group started to flirt with me because we always bumped into each other in the same parties we went to. I ended up meeting up with this other girl on the side, smoked up and we fooled around maybe 3 or 4 times. Usually on drunken nights after partying. We also would flirt and text one another occasionally. But I never took that girl seriously and eventually I stopped seeing her altogether. For 7 months I put in a lot of effort for my gf, I helped build her a dog house, I helped her move, I helped her deal with work issues, I stopped doing certain things she disliked like plate spinning and I really gave so much to the relationship.

Anyway, my gf recently looked at my unlocked phone when I was showering and saw the old texts from this girl. She then decided to approach the girl who also confirmed it. Ofcourse she broke up with me immediately.

During our break up meet at a cafe, I came clean about it. I told her what I did but that the side girl was a mistake and I was sorry for hurting my gf. But I also highlighted that I wasn't truly happy with my relationship because sometimes it was extremely difficult to communicate with my gf. She can be difficult to deal with and has a very jaded personality because of previous abuse by her ex. Sometimes I felt a lack of appreciation and most of the time stressed being in the relationship and in trying to keep up with my gf. Yet I kept at it because I had love for her. My gf suggested we try to work on our relationship again and rekindle. I took that seriously.

After a month of rekindling, she once again broke up with me by a massive 3 a.m. text essay several days ago. She tells me that I am an *sshole for everything I did. She accuses me of being a master manipulator for psychologically torturing her. My gf was always very jaded in our relationship but now with this incident, she seems to discount everything I've done for her and the relationship. She just focuses on this infraction and sees everything as an infraction. Any attempt to rationalise with her is seen as an attempt at manipulating her. I really was made to sound like such a mastermind.

I thought there was nothing left for me to do. So I licked my wound, just swallowed it up and decided not to contact her anymore.

She calls me 2 days ago and lectures me about not trying enough. I told her she literally sees me as an *sshole, what more can I do? She tells me it is my duty to change that. I asked her how, when she has broken up with me and I asked if she wanted to rekindle again. She suggested even if we are broken up, I need to fix her. I told her I am sorry I can't be some friend or orbiter and just fix her like that if there is no relationship.

I still do have feelings for my gf. I do feel guilt for what I have done. I would love to fix things. At one point I had hope that things could be fixed but at this point I am not sure anymore. I don't understand her behaviour.

With all that said, what do you DJs think? What would you guys do in this situation? What do you guys suggest?

The chick has lost trust and respect for you. Hard to turn this around.

If she is still reaching out after she broke up with you that's a good sign she is attached. You can use that to your advantage and turn the cards around if you tell her to not contact you again if she is not willing to let you work it out.

This can spike her hamster to the point that if she truly cares she will not let this relationship dissolve. I know many situations of guys having gfs back after they cheated on them.

But, think really hard if you want this chick back. Because what you focus on you attract.

If you care about her truly, tell her you will try to work things out if she is willing to put the effort, but if not eject and stop responding to her essays.

All she will start to do now is to contact you constantly to the point of her feelings dissolving and her eventually disappearing. This is what most chicks do. But if you control the frame of her feelings and use that to your advantage you can spike her attachment to the point that she might be willing for you to give it a shot.

Hard to say and to do but you have limited options.

 

[Barrister]

First, let's be honest, if you were THAT into this chick in the first place, you wouldn't have immediately been banging another girl. That is normally your honeymoon phase in an LTR - not a time you're going to cheat unless you are not super into her to begin with.

Second, her dumping you is making you want something you can't have now - and your brain is telling you you need to dig in. Clearly, you don't need to do that nor should you. As Pierce pointed out, this woman is never going to let you forget this happened and it will be justification for her to treat you like sh1t from here on out.

Just move on and focus on other women. You will be much better off.

 

[SW15]

Just move on and focus on other women. You will be much better off.

Iron Rule of Tomassi #7

It is always time and effort better spent developing relations with new, fresh, prospective women than it will ever be in attempting to reconstruct a failed relationship.

Iron Rule of Tomassi #7 applies here for @jamesfromhouston .

 

[BackInTheGame78]

She wanted to monkey branch and be the one to dump you for good once she found someone else to jump to.

Of course she has to make you out to be the bad guy for everything in her mind so she could then build up a wall and convince herself that everything was terrible so she would never go back.

Common tactic by women. Once they are done, they work OT to convince themselves you are the biggest piece of trash ever.

 

[jamesfromhouston]

Thank you everybody for replying. You guys really snapped me out of it. I had a profound epiphany reading all these responses... this is exactly what SS is all about...brothers helping brothers.

A little update. We decided to meet for a meal again to talk. I brought flowers (beta move I know). I looked her into her eyes and told her that I was really sorry and was willing to try again to fix things. I wanted another chance. I mean we even have a new dog together. But right there and then. In that very moment, I suddenly realized she was gone. Because the face and eyes that were looking back at me were filled with hatred, disgust and indifference. She spent most of the meal telling me how horrible I was. It was as if I never did one good thing for her ever. I tried to reason with her but she told me nothing else mattered because I cheated. I have never seen her like that in our entire relationship. So much hatred. Even when I said I was willing to make big changes such as quitting on my part time DJ'ing at night clubs, she told me that she will never see me the same again unless I win her back but she was not willing to put in any effort. It will be all me. She told me that she will never trust me again and that I had to fix everything. She said she will never be the way she was before. She was a totally different person. Even told me I can keep the freaking dog.

Honestly, I was planning to break up with this girl because I scored a new job gig in another state. But aside from that, she was really difficult to be with. Can be very very argumentative. I suddenly feel like I need to win her back because her dumping me over my cheating made me feel like I made such a big mistake. But I had my reasons why I cheated. I was not truly happy.

Analyzing my thoughts further, a large reason why I am sad about this break is because she is such a hot blondie with a banging body, she was a great cook, was really nice most of the time and the idea of another man taking possession of her and enjoying her just makes me feel like ****. Its stupid I know.

Why would you want to rescue being in an unhappy relationship with a jaded person who apparently attracts/creates misery around her (clue: the abusive ex)?

You are absolutely right. I was not happy in the relationship. The breakup turned the switches a bit.

Of course, there is always a way to repair, but I can guarantee you that you'll be her emotional punch bag for the rest of the relationship.


No contact, put her out of your mind as one of your past mistakes and go find a new woman.

She has already made me a punching bag during the break up. Suddenly I am Mr Mastermind. Everything I have ever done wrong suddenly became magnified 1000 times. I was actually in the process of breaking up with her before she did this to me. Suddenly she is special.

The chick has lost trust and respect for you. Hard to turn this around.

If you care about her truly, tell her you will try to work things out if she is willing to put the effort, but if not eject and stop responding to her essays.

So true. She literally told me that if I want to fix things I had to put in all the effort because she wasn't going to.

First, let's be honest, if you were THAT into this chick in the first place, you wouldn't have immediately been banging another girl. That is normally your honeymoon phase in an LTR - not a time you're going to cheat unless you are not super into her to begin with.

Second, her dumping you is making you want something you can't have now - and your brain is telling you you need to dig in. Clearly, you don't need to do that nor should you. As Pierce pointed out, this woman is never going to let you forget this happened and it will be justification for her to treat you like sh1t from here on out.

Just move on and focus on other women. You will be much better off.

As always such a joy to hear from you Barrister. You are on point. I actually lost feelings for this girl but suddenly the break up has made me into her so much more.

 

[CornbreadFed]

Thank you everybody for replying. You guys really snapped me out of it. I had a profound epiphany reading all these responses... this is exactly what SS is all about...brothers helping brothers.

A little update. We decided to meet for dinner again. I brought flowers (beta move I know). I looked her into her eyes and told her that I was really sorry and was willing to try again to fix things. We even have a new dog together. But right there and then. In that moment, I suddenly realized, she was gone. Because the face and eyes that were looking back at me were filled with hate, disgust and indifference. She spent most of the dinner telling me how horrible I was. It was as if I never did one good thing for her ever. I tried to reason with her but she told me nothing else mattered because I cheated. I have never seen her like that in our entire relationship. So much hatred. Even when I said I was willing to make big changes, such as quitting on my part time DJ'ing at night clubs, she told me that she will never see me the same again unless I win her back but she was not willing to put in any effort.

Y'all are both are bad imho lol.

 

[jamesfromhouston]

Y'all are both are bad imho lol.

Wont deny that. I did cheat. I could have been more straightforward about it. I overstayed that relationship.