Got complacent and girlfriend is losing interest

[Stoic]

Hey brothers,

I got myself in a bad situation. Not sure it can be salvaged.

Hopefully, this does not turn in to a novel, but here is the situation.

Ive been seeing a very good woman for about 18 months. Asian chick, conservative, family values. Very attractive. I did not put her on a pedestal or anything like that. Probably the opposite. Was not the most attentive boyfriend. Probably took her for granted a bit and undervalued her. Shes 28, Im 40.

When I met her, I was kind of on top of everything. Earning a lot of money. Taking care of my fitness, etc. Super confident. She was insecure, worried about me talking to other women, all of that. Fast forward to the last few months and ran into a couple of challenges. I severely sprained my wrist and so was out of tennis for a couple months. I got complacent and stopped grinding at work a bit and income was down. Frankly, I got a little lazy and undisciplined. Pretty out of character for me. I just lost my edge. I think I simply stopped doing the things that attracted her in the first place. I have begun to turn that around recently, however.

Last night, she messages me saying she's losing interest. Deep down she says she knows she loves me. Thinks it just could be the ebb and flow of the relationship, but shes not really sure. She still seems to want it to work however. I'm not new at this. I know this is not good. It's like I'm on the Titanic and probably not getting on any lifeboats. Yup, I'm not naaive, she could be banging another dude. I don't think so, but I don't know either.

What advice do you have for me? What do you see as my next best action steps going forward?

Thanks fellas.

 

[johnrambo]

Sounds like a sh1t test. Asian women are very good at playing the long game and mind games.
They are not submissive after you marry them.

 

[typical]

So she sent you a direct message saying she's losing interest ??

Your reply should have been "Cool I understand, I'm busy rehabilitating my arm and making sure I can work, you do you and we will connect later"

Then you go silent and make sure not to open your house door when she comes knocking.

If she hits you up with a series of messages just say your wrist is sore and are tired from work, so you need to rest and will talk to her later when things start to settle down.

It's a sh!t test trying to grab full control of the relationship and make you the doormat !!! You do not enter into any discussions or "therapy" sessions with her or her friends or your friends or anyone !

To get a women its all Divide and Conquer to keep a women its about being able to Walk Away at anytime any moment. That's normally enough to get any women wondering "Why is he not breaking and begging me to stay together".

 

[Luni]

Your reply should have been "Cool I understand, I'm busy rehabilitating my arm and making sure I can work, you do you and we will connect later"

Then you go silent and make sure not to open your house door when she comes knocking.

i like the idea. but i would avoid responding directly to her comment. get back to doing you. and let me modify that last quoted statement. "then you go silent and make sure your house door is open when she comes knocking."

 

[BackInTheGame78]

I would have said something like "yeah, I was feeling the same way, I am glad you brought this up. Maybe we just need to go out separate ways then." and see how she acts.

Likely she will backpedal hard. Then just tell her that you have no interest in being with someone who isn't interested in being with you and when she figures it out to get back in touch with you.

Maybe that's slightly harsh or not caring enough but I am not one to watch a ship sink while you are trying to futily bail water. Done that one too many times. Now my response to anything like that is "Cool, I agree, let's stop seeing each other and when you figure it out get in touch."

Then go about your business with woman and life like she never happened. Usually if she still has any interest at all she will realize very quickly that she still wants the relationship. And she will also gain respect for you for not fvcking around andor begging her to stay.

 

[Millard Fillmore]

So she sent you a direct message saying she's losing interest ??

She said quote, "My IL is dropping, thinking of monkey branching."

I would have said something like "yeah, I was feeling the same way, I am glad you brought this up. Maybe we just need to go out separate ways then." and see how she acts.

Likely she will backpedal hard. Then just tell her that you have no interest in being with someone who isn't interested in being with you and when she figures it out to get back in touch with you.

Pretty much this, OP, and the for you it's back to basics. Get your groove back.

This is why a guy should ALWAYS be out flirting with other girls.

 

[manfrombelow]

With such a direct content, there's nothing else to do other than this one:

I would have said something like "yeah, I was feeling the same way, I am glad you brought this up. Maybe we just need to go out separate ways then." and see how she acts.

95% she'd freak the hell out and want to do an instant U-turn, but my advice then would be downgrading her to plate status.

OP, please read more materials on here, especially since you're 40 already.

 

[ThisIsSparta]

I would have said something like "yeah, I was feeling the same way, I am glad you brought this up. Maybe we just need to go out separate ways then." and see how she acts.

Likely she will backpedal hard. Then just tell her that you have no interest in being with someone who isn't interested in being with you and when she figures it out to get back in touch with you.

@Stoic THIS ^

There is only one way out, play hardball and dont be a pvssy.

 

[Stoic]

Appreciate the input fellas.

I believe my initial reaction to her (which I did not put in my opening post) was the correct one. Maybe it was too nice, but Asian women have a different temperament.

I said, "Listen, I'd like to be with you in the future. But, if you aren't feeling the same way, I'm okay with that too." She did indeed back track a bit after that. After that I told her I had some things I needed to get done. And that was that.

Thats where it stands now.

My action steps going forward will be:

1. Get back to working hard on my career like I was before.
2. Continue to take better care of myself through tennis, calisthenics and eating well.
3. Continue to read as much as I can, stay off the distractions from the internet, youtube, that don't serve me well.
4. Be prepared to immediately pivot and move on to other girls should this not work out.

 

[Stoic]

Likely she will backpedal hard. Then just tell her that you have no interest in being with someone who isn't interested in being with you and when she figures it out to get back in touch with you.

Yes, that is correct. And that's the way I feel and am relaying to her. It's awesome being with a woman that is psyched to be with you. Not so much if she acts like you are doing her a favor by being with her.

 

[alvinkels]

I am kind of in a similar situation but I didn't take her for granted. She wants us to break up but I convinced even though I wasn't direct with; just some small manipulations. I have several days without talking to her and she didn't reach out either. It was a test. Now I know she has low level of interest so I have decided to not get in touch forever and just live my life. If she reach out I reciprocate the gesture of cold heartedness not in a rude wat but keep the conversation dry as she did because I don't want to get back with her and I don't care; I am tolerating this nonsense. There are a lot pretty girls and caring and good hearted around I am not going to simp over some ***** if she won't be serious.

 

[Manure Spherian]

What advice do you have for me? What do you see as my next best action steps going forward?

Do you want to marry and have kids with her?

 

[Manure Spherian]

My action steps going forward will be:

1. Get back to working hard on my career like I was before.
2. Continue to take better care of myself through tennis, calisthenics and eating well.
3. Continue to read as much as I can, stay off the distractions from the internet, youtube, that don't serve me well.
4. Be prepared to immediately pivot and move on to other girls should this not work out.

Such is the life of a perennial “boyfriend,” pretty much an employee and pet of the “girlfriend”.

 

[Dr.Suave]

I think I simply stopped doing the things that attracted her in the first place.

This is on you. Anyways, are you sure you cant get a better girl? If you could, this would be a good time to kick her to the curb.

 

[ThisIsSparta]

My action steps going forward will be:

1. Get back to working hard on my career like I was before.
2. Continue to take better care of myself through tennis, calisthenics and eating well.
3. Continue to read as much as I can, stay off the distractions from the internet, youtube, that don't serve me well.
4. Be prepared to immediately pivot and move on to other girls should this not work out.

On steps 1-3:

You know what problem i see here? That woman will only be there for you when you are operating on your peak efficiency.

My guess is she is high maintainance and will become a pain in the ass once you are seriously involved with her. (kids/marriage)

This one gets a red flag on hypergamy and will most likely monkeybranch to a better deal if you ever decide to take it slower and enjoy life a bit more down the road.

Tell her its your way or the highway and make it clear that if her attraction to you is coupled with how well your business is going then she needs to walk.

 

[Modern Man Advice]

This reminds me of a Seinfeld episode where George is dating this pianist and she has the upper hand. Kramer's advice is solid, reverse/counteract her comment just like @BackInTheGame78 suggested.

This will either give you the upper hand again or break up which sounds like it's bound to happen sooner or later.

The important piece here is, and you know this cause you pointed it out in your post, don't get complacent. Don't let a woman get too comfortable. Don't ever stop focusing on your growth and yourself. This is the real lesson for you.

 

[Hamurabimbi]

Keep yourself in good shape and stay attractive. I learned the hard way. If you let yourself go. Your woman goes away too.

 

[Stoic]

Do you want to marry and have kids with her?

Actually, we were discussing it. I have been divorced. I am not naiive about the negatives of marriage. But, I weighed the pros and cons seriously. I hadn't considered marriage without some serious thought.

 

[Stoic]

On steps 1-3:

You know what problem i see here? That woman will only be there for you when you are operating on your peak efficiency.

My guess is she is high maintainance and will become a pain in the ass once you are seriously involved with her. (kids/marriage)

This one gets a red flag on hypergamy and will most likely monkeybranch to a better deal if you ever decide to take it slower and enjoy life a bit more down the road.

Tell her its your way or the highway and make it clear that if her attraction to you is coupled with how well your business is going then she needs to walk.

Yeah, women won't allow a season where you sit back and coast. That's what I was doing. I rested on my laurels. Regardless of whether it works out with her or not, I cannot just sit back and coast, not just because its unattractive to women, but I don't want to live a subopitmal life either. I want to hit as close to my full potential as possible.

When I think about it, I really dont have the luxury to sit back and coast. I am in excellent shape (post wrist injury recovery), hit $1M net worth (after a divorce), have interesting hobbies- tennis, motorcycles, a lot of foreign travel. However, I have some things going against me. I'm average height at 5'10, Im bald (ha!). So, I will always need to grind to get top tier women. But, I think the big thing that set me apart from other men is that I am extremely driven. Super ambitious. This dropped off when we were discussing marriage and seemingly heading in that direction. I knew better than to take my foot off the gas, so that's on me.

 

[Stoic]

This is on you. Anyways, are you sure you cant get a better girl? If you could, this would be a good time to kick her to the curb.

It definitely is on me.

I believe I can get a better girl with time, but good women don't grow on trees. It will be a bit of a search. I'm pretty particular. She is by far the most physically attractive woman I have ever been with.