Long distance relationship

[Divorced w 3]

I would prefer to continue this relationship so I am looking for some ideas on how to make that happen.

I am 7 months into a relationship with a woman that I met in the middle of divorce proceedings. We hit it off quickly but the way we agreed to handle things were that I would travel to her because it was a lot cleaner than her coming here, very much in the area of my former life and upsetting the situation that was relatively close to winding down.

She lives about an hour away in a city, works by her home and also lives near her family. She doesn’t drive because she doesn’t have to. The public transportation and the family nearby are top notch. She is getting her license now though.

As you also know, I have three kids and I see them every other weekend and two days during the week, so just a hair less than 50%.
I think the built in space we have to observe has been really helpful.

However, I’m finally divorced (and it’s feels great!), and I’m looking to add some balance in here. Given her schedule, she is done during the day at similar hours starting in the fall as she is a teacher who also coaches. She has earlier days now running a daycamp but that winds down this month.

Major issues: bridges, tunnels, parking and intangibles are expensive.

I think one thing that would help is a time constraint. It typically gets issues moving forward. We discussed logistics over the weekend also and how she could pursue jobs that were more in my direction near the train. She says she has a skill set that could get her into multiple jobs and if she wanted could put her relatively closer in short order. There would be somewhat of a pay cut but I think that would have to be a short term sacrifice to consider in order to move the relationship forward.

 

[Gamisch]

I would prefer to continue this relationship so I am looking for some ideas on how to make that happen.

I am 7 months into a relationship with a woman that I met in the middle of divorce proceedings. We hit it off quickly but the way we agreed to handle things were that I would travel to her because it was a lot cleaner than her coming here, very much in the area of my former life and upsetting the situation that was relatively close to winding down.

She lives about an hour away in a city, works by her home and also lives near her family. She doesn’t drive because she doesn’t have to. The public transportation and the family nearby are top notch. She is getting her license now though.

As you also know, I have three kids and I see them every other weekend and two days during the week, so just a hair less than 50%.
I think the built in space we have to observe has been really helpful.

However, I’m finally divorced (and it’s feels great!), and I’m looking to add some balance in here. Given her schedule, she is done during the day at similar hours starting in the fall as she is a teacher who also coaches. She has earlier days now running a daycamp but that winds down this month.

Major issues: bridges, tunnels, parking and intangibles are expensive.

I think one thing that would help is a time constraint. It typically gets issues moving forward. We discussed logistics over the weekend also and how she could pursue jobs that were more in my direction near the train. She says she has a skill set that could get her into multiple jobs and if she wanted could put her relatively closer in short order. There would be somewhat of a pay cut but I think that would have to be a short term sacrifice to consider in order to move the relationship forward.

Brother, imma be a little softer because you know my style.

Lets be honest shall we? There were already signs that this relationship isn't the most solid thing on earth. I dont think that too much distance is gonna make it better.

Seriously , I DON'T mean to knock you down. But imo its best if you leave this behind and go after something much more convenient and reliable. When the next problem pops up it will hit you like a truck .

I don't even talk about the details how long distance CAN work. It can ONLY work if the woman is 10000% in to you. As with any other relationship.

Leave.

 

[Divorced w 3]

Lets be honest shall we? There were already signs that this relationship isn't the most solid thing on earth.

I’ll just make one point on this and then the whole situation will be on the table. My friend convinced me a couple of months ago that informing her about my near end to my divorce was going to give her a chance to prepare for the way things would change in our logistics etc. She ended up taking that as a sign I was laying the ground to break up. We went out a couple weeks later into the city and I carved out about six drinks in an hour while she was getting her hair done and then I drank maybe 6 more over the next couple of hours and I basically was going off on the prior conversation and saying that my life was different I was going to be w free man etc… not my best afternoon.

just take that in context. Appreciate your reply

 

[Gamisch]

I’ll just make one point on this and then the whole situation will be on the table. My friend convinced me a couple of months ago that informing her about my near end to my divorce was going to give her a chance to prepare for the way things would change in our logistics etc. She ended up taking that as a sign I was laying the ground to break up. We went out a couple weeks later into the city and I carved out about six drinks in an hour while she was getting her hair done and then I drank maybe 6 more over the next couple of hours and I basically was going off on the prior conversation and saying that my life was different I was going to be w free man etc… not my best afternoon.

just take that in context. Appreciate your reply

I believe that a lot of men(myself included) have HUGE trouble letting go of specific women in our life .

All the while we KNOW that its best to move on. Due to the need for validation, companionship, sex and love we get into difficult relationships that were always destined to fail.

If anything I try to be a "voice of reason " and hold up a mirror for you. The amputation always hurt, but leads to a better quality of life in the long run.

 

[Divorced w 3]

I believe that a lot of men(myself included) have HUGE trouble letting go of specific women in our life .

All the while we KNOW that its best to move on. Due to the need for validation, companionship, sex and love we get into difficult relationships that were always destined to fail.

If anything I try to be a "voice of reason " and hold up a mirror for you. The amputation always hurt, but leads to a better quality of life in the long run.

Appreciate you man. I think the chat the other day was helpful, talking about the new normal and logistics. I think I also owe her a couple of months to get an idea how she would be able to make this work to be more equitable. Let’s say we did six months the old way, I would typically suggest 90 days for some actionable ideas on next steps but that would land on her birthday which would not be nice. So let’s say thanksgiving is our little timeline where we have something on her end that is in the right direction. I need to work out something for the weekdays though, in the interim.

 

[Murk]

Taking a pay cut and moving jobs for a guy she met 7 months ago, seems a bit off to me.

I wouldn't say to break up or anything like that, but I wonder if she plans on having kids, if she has her own already, if moving to a lower-paying job just to be closer to a train station/you - when you say she's planning to drive soon, is necessary. I just find career moves on a whim a bit weird, she will actually be finding work further away from her, inconveniencing herself, which people never usually do. It shows she likes you a lot, but also shows an irrational side or maybe she has no solid career goals. This is just my perspective.

1 hour isn't too long a distance, I made it work for 1 year with an ex gf but I would go to work in the city from her house and meet up after work - I'd rarely travel from my place to her place.

What is the rush here? Aren't weekends and 1 day weekday enough time with her?

 

[EyeBRollin]

Sounds like metro-NYC. 1 hour is normal here, not long distance.

Bottom line OP you have to suck it up and eat more than half of the costs and traveling if you want this girl. That is all you can do until you are ready for the next steps.

If I were advising a sister or daughter, no way i would ever endorse moving for a man that hasn’t yet put an engagement ring of significant value on her finger.

 

[Divorced w 3]

Sounds like metro-NYC. 1 hour is normal here, not long distance.

Bottom line OP you have to suck it up and eat more than half of the costs and traveling if you want this girl. That is all you can do until you are ready for the next steps.

If I were advising a sister or daughter, no way i would ever endorse moving for a man that hasn’t yet put an engagement ring of significant value on her finger.

You guys are both right. I live in the burbs, work in the city, she works and lives in the boroughs, the only wrinkle is we see each other every other weekend bc I am not ready to intro kids. The kids I didn’t wanna intro until I was super super confident. So like Eyes said, I put in more than half the time esp during the week when I am in the city anyway.

 

[The Duke]

I know nothing about Brooklyn, but there are a lot of people I know that have 1-hour commute times. Seems a lot easier than uprooting a life, changing jobs, and finding somewhere new to live, at least for the short term.

I think there will eventually be some resentment set in when she figures out she has less money at the end of the month. Then she'll want to move in with you. You'll be expected to play some provider role at some point.

You need to sit down with her and see if this is a long term, forever deal. And what exactly does that entail. Have you had that conversation? You have kids she has never met, at some point down the road I think I would introduce my kids and see how that goes before you have her move closer.

I've been in similiar situations twice so I can relate well. It never gets better when they move in with you!

 

[BackInTheGame78]

This sounds like a rebound that is going to run its course within a few more months. Just my honest opinion.

 

[EyeBRollin]

Do NOT let her move in unless you are sure this is a long-term “forever” thing. Men, do not live with women unless she is to be your wife. No exceptions.

 

[Divorced w 3]

This sounds like a rebound that is going to run its course within a few more months. Just my honest opinion.

I would have said that a couple of months ago. Not lately.

 

[Gamisch]

I would have said that a couple of months ago. Not lately.

Apparently every thread should be treated as new. Its "not cool" to remember previous threads, do the math and conclude that opening poster of said thread should "simply" leave said woman.

After what has happened regarding her disrespectful behavior you should AT LEAST drastically change her position and role to "plate status only " ,but (like me!!) You might have a hard time to distinguish between an actual relationship and this socalled plate status, thus getting a new woman is the most sensible thing to do .She basically showed enough to determine she's NOT the right woman for you.

Yet here we are talking about taking even more risks, instead of less. About meeting her half way, while it should be ALL YOU.

Jump me all y'all want, I'm just being honest. One day OP, or likeminded members who're beefing with me, will thank me .

 

[Divorced w 3]

I know nothing about Brooklyn, but there are a lot of people I know that have 1-hour commute times. Seems a lot easier than uprooting a life, changing jobs, and finding somewhere new to live, at least for the short term.

I think there will eventually be some resentment set in when she figures out she has less money at the end of the month. Then she'll want to move in with you. You'll be expected to play some provider role at some point.

You need to sit down with her and see if this is a long term, forever deal. And what exactly does that entail. Have you had that conversation? You have kids she has never met, at some point down the road I think I would introduce my kids and see how that goes before you have her move closer.

I've been in similiar situations twice so I can relate well. It never gets better when they move in with you!

I think meeting the kids is the move. Planned on doing that and then I got all heady but a quick trip to the zoo in the next month may be a good litmus test with my ‘friend’. See from there.

 

[johnrambo]

I believe that a lot of men(myself included) have HUGE trouble letting go of specific women in our life .

All the while we KNOW that its best to move on. Due to the need for validation, companionship, sex and love we get into difficult relationships that were always destined to fail.

If anything I try to be a "voice of reason " and hold up a mirror for you. The amputation always hurt, but leads to a better quality of life in the long run.

Great insight...

 

[The Duke]

I think meeting the kids is the move. Planned on doing that and then I got all heady but a quick trip to the zoo in the next month may be a good litmus test with my ‘friend’. See from there.

It wasn't too long ago you raised the question of introducing your kids. Take your time. Whenever there is uncertainty, just give it time. Sometimes "time" provides clarity and guides us down the right path in decision making. Sometimes, it answers the questions for us and all we have to do is be patient.

 

[Divorced w 3]

It wasn't too long ago you raised the question of introducing your kids. Take your time. Whenever there is uncertainty, just give it time. Sometimes "time" provides clarity and guides us down the right path in decision making. Sometimes, it answers the questions for us and all we have to do is be patient.

Absolutely. I am in no rush. I think next month would be appropriate. Summer is over, nice weather, 9 months into the relationship and most importantly everything continues tracking really well.

 

[FinallyAlpha]

I'm still stuck on the incident at the wedding. You rationalised and talked your way out of that one. That level of disrespect and disregard should have been a red line.

Now you're meditating on how to integrate this woman into your life further.

You have a penchant for trying to think this relationship from something shaky into something solid.

I understand that you're 38 (you're 5 years older than me) and you want an LTR but, from my vantage point, you're setting yourself up for disappointment.

 

[Gamisch]

I'm still stuck on the incident at the wedding. You rationalised and talked your way out of that one. That level of disrespect and disregard should have been a red line.

Now you're meditating on how to integrate this woman into your life further.

You have a penchant for trying to think this relationship from something shaky into something solid.

I understand that you're 38 (you're 5 years older than me) and you want an LTR but, from my vantage point, you're setting yourself up for disappointment.

This.

If OP wants vanilla Disney dream advice R/relationships is a great echo chamber where both men and women will rationalize such behavior, and even attack and ban men who tell the uncut raw truth.

Overhere I ASSUME we ain't playing those silly games. We wanna level up, and tbh a disrespectful woman who has no boundaries shouldn't even be a topic. A bad fitting woman will take 50% of your mental energy.

Op is a good guy, and that's also the problem. Such a woman is fun and loyal untill she's NOT. These situations hardly ever end well.

 

[RangerMIke]

The OP is too soon out of a long serious relationship. The long distance dating isn't really the problem... the problem is that he's going too fast.

I know what I am talking about, and I know how he feels. When I was divorced, I felt like I'd been let out of a cage... my emotions were all over the place. It was REALLY tempting to jump back into dating... but I rationally knew that I wasn't ready. I do not know the situation with the OP, but I needed to build back my wealth.... which took me 7 years.... my daughters were minors, and they have a bat sh1t crazy mother. I needed to worry about them. My health wasn't where it should be... during the separation I had drifted into a bad habit of drinking too much... and not getting enough exercise. I was an emotional wreak. He might not have financial issues; his ex might be a normal sane woman who he has no worries about how she is going to treat his kids.

Coming out of a LTR that involves kids, a man's priorities must be:
(1) His personal health and mental well-being.
(2) His kid's health, safety and mental well-being.
(3) His personal finances and professional development.
(4) Rebuilding his tribe of friends and family that were alienated by the relationship.
(5) Dating.

Chicks are last. If you are fine, your kids are fine, your finances are in good shape, your family and friends are connected.... then okay... start dating. For me it took 2 years... seriously TWO YEARS before I was mentally ready to start dealing with the emotional machinations of chicks.

OR you can be like my dumb@ss brother, who jumped into relationships with women before the ink dried on his divorce papers TWICE. He was already a fvcking mess... and all he did was take on MORE chaos... which did and is currently causing him no end of problems. His most recent wife he is struggling to keep her happy by buying a new house (he could not afford), and is spending like a drunken sailor on his new stepson. Meanwhile he has turned his back on his 5 kids and 10 grandchildren. He has two of his sons who are a mess that really could use his help to get them back on their feet... but he has abandoned them... because he is focused on this new wife and her kid. He tossed out our mother because she didn't want her around anymore. He is headed full speed into a telephone poll... just like the last time.

Okay... now on LDRs... these seldom work out, I could provide COUNTLESS examples of how this goes sideways. It's expensive in terms of time and money. Think of it this way... in this case, the distance is an hour away... best case that's $30 in gas and mileage on the car.... then the cost of the date... so a minimum of $100 per date. But more important, that is two hours of time that can better be spent in the gym.

I've had FWB situations with women who are dating men long distance. I don't do this anymore because it takes too much distracting emotional energy. But if you are in a LDR with a woman you just don't fvcking know what is going on with the chick you are seeing. These men have more money than brains. One, RS (her initials) is engaged now to a guy that spends a sh1t load of money on her, private planes, awesome vacations, and before they actually got engaged hooked up with me regularly. One CW, has been married for a year, this guy spent a **** pot of money moving her to Houston, a couple of months ago she came into town on business and wanted to stay with me when she was here, naturally I passed, but there are men that would have jumped on that without any thought of ramifications. I just got a call yesterday from a woman SD, who is dating a wealthy dude in Columbia, another guy spending a lot of money on her, and wanted me to come over to her place (that this guy is paying for) Saturday. Yeah like I'm stupid enough to re-start something with a chick that is dating a rich man from COLUMBIA, you know.... where most of the nation's cocaine supply comes from... but I am certain that after getting off the phone with me, she hit up the next dude in her cell phone contacts who is thinking with the wrong head that will smash that and possibly end up 'missing'.

Men can make a LDR work: women can't.... sorry that is the truth. These situations are a nightmare for men, the OP's chick is an hour away so it's not too bad, but my advice is that there are too many women that live near him to try and make something work with a chick that you have to drive a long way to connect with.