article: Twenty Rules for Dating

[MatureDJ]

Twenty Rules for Dating | National Review

A guide to the modern dating minefield.

www.nationalreview.com

Meeting in real life is good, and further advice

The year is 10,000 b.c. Your 450th great-grandfather has his eye on a girl a couple of caves over. Today, he tells himself, will be the day. And so he grasps in his sweaty palm the amulet he whittled out of ivory and sets out on a mission.
There she is. His heart skips a beat. Does she feel this way too? He extends a shaky hand and offers the token of his affection. Your 450th great-grandmother accepts it with a smile.

Most branches in your family tree likely started with some version of this story — just swap the ivory figurine for a Victorian locket or an ’80s mixtape. Human beings have always courted and pursued, rebuffed and rejected, loved and lusted. It was messy but also predictable — two people, face to face, one out on a limb, hoping his feelings are requited.
And yet here you are, on a bargain-bin Glostad sofa from Ikea, trying to decide whether Abby from Hinge photoshopped her profile picture.

What now? As you traverse the modern dating minefield, here are 20 guideposts to lead the way:

1. Most women want to meet people in real life.

Yes, it seems like just about everyone is on a dating app today. But most of us are sick of swiping. In fact, three in four singles are open to being approached in public.
In-person alternatives to dating apps are popping up in droves — from a resurgence of singles bars and speed dating to distinctive teal rings meant to advertise one’s status as single.
We all want that quintessential “meet-cute,” but in the post–MeToo era, shooting your shot can understandably feel more dangerous than ever.

2. We’re not all that TikTok gym girl.

This January, a viral TikTok sent a chill down every single man’s spine. A scantily clad weightlifter notices a man from across the gym merely glancing her way. She whispers into her microphone, “This stupid f***ing piece of **** behind me! Feral, feral, feral!” Then she posted the video, publicly shaming him before millions of viewers for the crime of having eyeballs in her vicinity.
The TikTok hit a nerve, sparking a debate over the trip wires of dating and sexuality today. The rules have yet to be rewritten, and yet it seems like just about nobody knows what’s acceptable anymore. In a survey of thousands of singles, 53 percent of men said the fear of being perceived as creepy made them less likely to approach women.
Listen, I get it. But I promise you that we are not all that TikTok gym girl. We won’t call you “feral.” We won’t bite your head off. It’s just a few bad apples who have ruined it for the rest of us.

3. Approaching someone in person is not creepy.

Male bad apples have ruined it for the guys, too. Four in five women say they regularly have creepy encounters. I’m certainly among them.
More likely than not, that’s thanks to a handful of prolifically creepy guys. If you’re polite and genuine, you won’t be sorted into the “creep” bin so long as you follow the next simple principle.

4. The “one no” rule is no-fail.

If you’re still worried about approaching women in person, here’s that surefire rule: Take the first “no” graciously, and then exit. As a woman, I can tell you that interaction only gets creepy when it starts feeling like “No” is not an option.

5. Ask Dad or Grandpa about rejection.

I’m of the opinion that my generation, Gen Z, is afraid of rejection. Let’s face it. We were coddled our whole lives, showered with gold stars and participation trophies. We’d much rather hide behind a phone screen and interact only with people we’ve already matched with on an app than experience face-to-face rejection.
But rejection is normal. And learning to deal with it is healthy. Ask your dad or your grandpa about his fumbles in the dating realm — they surely weathered a lot of noes before landing Mom or Grandma.
Put yourself out there. If they could do it, so can you.

6. Ask your friends to set you up (and return the favor).

If you’re not one for chatting a girl up at random but would still rather meet someone organically, ask your friends to set you up. And be sure to pass it along.

7. It’s not you; it’s the (dating) economy.

Let’s be real. Women are choosier. It’s in our DNA. That means online dating is stacked against men.
A South Korean study found that women tend to swipe right on only 30 percent of profiles, while data analysis from OkCupid found that women rate 80 percent of men “below average” in attractiveness. MIT researchers found that women get a match from 10 percent of the profiles they like — whereas men get a match from 0.6 percent.
It shouldn’t be any surprise, then, that in a world where a two-dimensional profile is your foot in the door, men are left with fewer matches.

8. Your profile matters.

If you’ve opted for online dating, it’s hard to overstate the importance of curating your profile.
The average woman takes 3.19 seconds to swipe right (indicating interest) and 6.91 seconds to swipe left (indicating uninterest) on a profile. (You guys aren’t much more deliberative, at 5.7 and 6.26 seconds.) That’s simply not enough time for your holistic charm to shine through. In fact, your first photo is probably going to make or break you.
Some ground rules for photos: No group shots, no sunglasses, and you should not be holding a fish or flaunting your hunting quarry.
When in doubt, ask a female friend for her honest analysis.

9. The first message matters, too.

So you got a match. Nice. But it’s not a sealed deal.
Many women on dating apps are paralyzed by choice — with a third of them saying they’re getting too many messages (five times the fraction of men who say the same).
“How’s your Tuesday?” just isn’t going to cut it. Keep your first message short and sweet, but make it substantive. A unique compliment or a specific question based on something in her profile will help you stand out in the sea of “Hey”s that she’s likely drowning in.

10. Plan.

You landed the first date. Now it’s time to work out the logistics. I speak for myself — and every woman I know — when I say it’s nice for a man to take the initiative. Make the plan. Suggest the time and place. Decisiveness is appreciated.

 

[MatureDJ]

11. Pay.

You should pay on the first date. Always. And call me old-fashioned, but you should also pay for the second. And probably the third.
It doesn’t have to be a lavish lobster dinner. Coffee and a walk in the park will do. It’s not the monetary value; it’s the gesture.
There’s nothing more attractive than a man who wants to provide but knows how to do so responsibly within his budgetary constraints. Even the girls I know who feel strongly about splitting bills and chipping in want to see at least some pushback when they insist. And most of their half-reaches for the bill are performative.

12. Put the next date on the calendar.

There’s nothing better than a date that concludes with a “What are you doing next weekend?”
If the evening is coming to an end and all has gone well, keep the ball rolling. Set up the next encounter and avoid the “have I waited long enough to text her?” nonsense altogether.

13. Call her.

Reacting to her Instagram story with a fire emoji won’t do. In the age of low-effort communication, there’s nothing more refreshing and meaningful than an actual phone call.
So, call her. It’s more efficient than playing text ping-pong all day.

14. The paradox of choice is real.

Even less lucky daters likely have more options today than ever before. The little rectangle in your pocket can connect you to dating prospects from any corner of the globe. The grass is always greener — or is it?
As Paradox of Choice author Barry Schwartz points out, we’re actually a whole lot happier shopping for mustard at Trader Joe’s, where there are two or three variations to choose from, than at a store with dozens of options.
The same is probably true in the dating realm. For most of human history, your dating pool was limited to your village. Today, it’s everywhere. The fact that there’s always someone prettier or wittier can make it harder to be happy with anyone. But the first step to breaking that paradox is recognizing it.

15. Situationships are avoidable.

The term “situationship” has popped into the popular lexicon to describe that gray zone between a hookup and a relationship that leads to the dreaded “What are we?” conversation.
The situationship epidemic is breaking the hearts of daters whose affection is unrequited. But it doesn’t have to be this way. Situationships arise only when expectations aren’t defined. So be up-front. If you know what you’re looking for, tell her what you’re looking for. If you don’t know what you’re looking for, tell her that you don’t know.

16. “It’s fine” means precisely the opposite.

Never take those words at face value.

17. Don’t hide your beliefs.

The old adage “Don’t discuss religion or politics in polite company” holds true in the short term. Don’t ask whether she’s pro-life or pro-choice on the first date.
But, when asked about your beliefs, don’t pretend to be anyone other than who you are. I have plenty of friends who stretch the truth or misrepresent their views to get girls — whether lying about whom they voted for or hiding books when she comes over. But while it’s true that tacking left might help you land the cute Bernie chick, the strategy is a losing formula. Don’t do it. It always backfires in the end.

18. Values, not politics.

As much as you might wish it to be true, there’s simply not one based Rogan-chick for every based Rogan-bro. The stats are bleak. Women are considerably less likely to lean right — just 37 percent say they do.
Political mismatches are inevitable. But they’re not an end-all, so long as you both share a respect for, and tolerance of, your differences. A relationship without shared politics can survive. A relationship without shared values cannot.

19. Secure masculinity is sexy.

Many of these tips are outgrowths of an even more basic principle: Secure masculinity is sexy. No well-adjusted woman wants a man who is going to “simp” all over her (truckle for her). Nor does she want a reactionary macho who takes tips from Andrew Tate.

20. We don’t know either.

These are the best tips that I can muster as a young woman navigating dating in 2023. But, believe me, this is the blind leading the blind. As much as you men might feel like dating today is impossible, we feel the same. We’re all guinea pigs looking for love in a completely warped digital age.
Put simply: We don’t know either. But we’re all in this together.

 

[Robert28]

Oh look, a woman giving dating advice that doesn’t work. That’s never happened before.lol

 

[SW15]

Wow, there's a lot to that.

1. Most women want to meet people in real life.

Yes, it seems like just about everyone is on a dating app today. But most of us are sick of swiping. In fact, three in four singles are open to being approached in public.
In-person alternatives to dating apps are popping up in droves — from a resurgence of singles bars and speed dating to distinctive teal rings meant to advertise one’s status as single.
We all want that quintessential “meet-cute,” but in the post–MeToo era, shooting your shot can understandably feel more dangerous than ever.

Women may say that they want this, but a lot of their behavior indicates otherwise. So many women wear earbuds in parks/on walking paths and on the general gym floor. This discourages approaches.

MIT researchers found that women get a match from 10 percent of the profiles they like — whereas men get a match from 0.6 percent.

I'm not at all shocked that men get a match from only 0.6% (less than 1 percent) of right swipes. That was true for men when I used swipe apps.

 

[Robert28]

What’s funny is women have all this choice and they’re still perpetually single. They’ll be off and on the apps, can’t keep a man past a month or few months and eight back on there. If I have an abundance of choice of something im going to eventually pick some thing after doing alot if research about what I want and stick with it. Majority of these women who are single it’s their own fault.

 

[BadWatermelon]

Hard to do 17 if you assume 18 is true.

 

[forcerecon01]

It's not the women it's the society men have to deal with

 

[The Diver]

11. Pay.

You should pay on the first date. Always. ,,, you should also pay for the second. And probably the third.

In other words: "Put me on a pedestal and say "thank you" I'm dating you, and if you want to bask in my presence, pay for my time,"

There’s nothing more attractive than a man who wants to provide

What a bullcrap ^
Conditioning men to believe that spending money on a date ( without reciprocating in kind) is an attractive men's trait.

 

[CornbreadFed]

The year is 10,000 b.c. Your 450th great-grandfather has his eye on a girl a couple of caves over. Today, he tells himself, will be the day. And so he grasps in his sweaty palm the amulet he whittled out of ivory and sets out on a mission.

Stopped reading at this. I fvcking hate paleo analogies.