My LTR broke up with me. I'm devastated. And confused out of my mind...

[harrison9876]

Hey guys...

Past year has been absolutely amazing for me. I met a girl in class... And the attraction was pretty unbelievable.

I've never experienced a situation where both myself and a girl were so instantaneously drawn to each other.

Things happened fairly quickly... And at the very beginning she revealed to me that she was pansexual - having an attraction for not just men, but women and also trans men / trans women.

It didn't bother me... And I was totally cool with her having whatever she needed on the side.

Even though we considered the relationship open, we ended up moving in together. It was more of a business partnership because we really work well together (her and I are both actors). We were feeding off each other, helping each other out, really focusing on our careers.

One thing we discussed is that if she was going to incorporate someone else into our dynamic... Then I would really need to know about it first. I just wanted a quick heads up so nothing was done behind my back.

We also decided that we were not going to give ourselves the label. Not couple, not girlfriend boyfriend, not partners, nothing.

She said the first "I love you".. pretty quickly which was a bit of a surprise. I thought it hard to say back at the very beginning because I was trying to keep the relationship a bit casual I think. Eventually I warmed up to it and we really became inseparable.

After 2 months of living together she started calling me her boyfriend.

I followed her lead calling us boyfriend/girlfriend...

We basically had 8 months of what was absolute bliss. What was supposed to be open and casual turned into a really deep meaningful, sexually charged, amazing relationship.

We were quite truly in love with each other.

Then...January happened.

She didn't come home from an event one night. She spent the night with a friend she met there... And though she texted me throughout the evening, she did not tell me anything about who this person was, or what she was doing.

When she got home she revealed that she had her first girl experience. One night stand with someone she met at this event.

She thought I'd be happy for her.. But I was extremely angry because we agreed that we were discuss things together before she went out and did something. She started telling me how she wanted a pansensual relationship,.. how our relationship is going to change... etc. I just kept telling her I felt I was cheated on because she did this behind my back...

Her reasoning was she was "in the moment"...

The tension lasted for a while because I felt betrayed.. she broke the trust and the arrangement we had and I just really did not like it.

He also ended up coming out to her parents at this time.
.
That situation settled down..and then about 2 months later she comes home reeking of alcohol.

When I met her last year, she admitted that she was an alcoholic (had alcoholic tendencies)... At that time I told her It was a deal breaker.. But she confirmed that she would not be drinking anymore going forward.

So the entire time we've been together neither of us has touched a drink. Her, because she did not want to get back into alcoholism... And me, because I wanted to support her in that.

Again.. I got pissed. I didn't say much...until she came home every night in a row smelling like alcohol.

That turned into another argument. And I ended up hiring a relationship counselor.

The counselor's been helping... And for the past few months our relationship is gotten much better and healed from those two situations. She's drinking in moderation... And we came up with mutual agreement in regards to incorporating a woman into our relationship .

Everything's been absolutely fantastic. We even went away for the weekend a couple weeks ago and had an amazing time.

Then last week she comes home and tells me she's moving out and breaking up with me. Absolutely instantaneous.

She's spending a lot of time in town, found a really nice queer community, some queer friends, and she no longer wants to continue our relationship. She wants to be around them. She gave me all kinds of reasons, mainly blaming me for the downfall of our relationship.. The reason she came up with were just stuff that were in her head and not even real...

I practically lost it emotionally.

She said she wants to explore the attraction she has for women... And because she's in love with me... That prevents her from doing it. Moving out and terminating our relationship was the only thing she can think of that allows her to feel safe pursuing women and being with a girl in the moment.. without feeling like she's hurting me in the process.

There was a lot of arguing back and forth... But eventually it calmed down... And she told me she can only see me in her life as a friend with benefits...

I wanted her to move out immediately, but the place he's moving into is not available till the 12th. And she had nowhere to go. So I guess her plan was she was going to stay here until the 12th.

Two days later we sleep with each other... And for the next 4 days, her and I are acting like nothing is happening. Like we're not breaking up, like she's not moving out, like we're still madly in love with each other, like nothing different is happening.

Then she pulls away from me again... Tells me she's in love with me and can't do this anymore.

She's been trying to stay at various friends places in the meantime... Couchsurfing...etc. because she can't stay here with me due to how she feels about me.

I backed off completely and was so tired of the back and forth I just decided to put her in the friend zone. Basically supporting her with her decision to pursue women and the queer community, and just acting like a friend as opposed to a boyfriend. It's the only thing I could think of to keep My head on straight while she's living here off and on until she moves.

She has been messaging me everyday since... Just chit chat here and there, trying to catch up with me, find out what I'm doing, tell me about her day, etc.

A couple days ago she was supposed to come back... But she called me on video message and revealed that she won't be spending any more time here until the 12th... Because every time she comes back here and then she's leaves, it's like breaking up with me all over again.

Unfortunately I've not been able to keep my emotions in check and I have been an absolute wreck. All the back and forth, the confusion, just everything is messing me up completely.

I deleted her number, removed her from Instagram, TikTok, every social media following, every shared account like Netflix, anything that had her in my phone I've basically gotten rid of.

She has to come back to pick up her stuff over the next few days and I have no idea how the hell I'm supposed to act. Last time I saw her in person, she told me she was in love with me and was crying about it...

There's so much more details and what I've written above... But hopefully everyone here can get the gist of what's going on.

Thoughts, comments, advice?

TIA

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

I’m sorry for your loss. I have a lot of opinions about what you’ve described but brow beating you is not going to help.

The first thing on the agenda is finding a friend of yours you trust, preferably a female that will be at your place while she retrieves her crap.

You’re in a bad place and I get it, and while I do not understand why you got involved with that train wreck, the focus is on you, in the short term.

You dodged a bullet, she’s BPD or worse. Ke Texting to logistics of her gtfo, no chitchat or good morning/goodnight texts. Walk the frak away.

 

[LTG71]

I‘m sorry you got attached to this train wreck of a woman. Sex and love are powerful drugs but you can get over this addiction. Few words that jumped out:

”Pansexual” = confused. Even trans? Why not try some farm animals too while she’s exploring.
“In the moment” = zero accountability and selfish.
“Alcoholic” = self destructive behavior, bad coping skills
“I felt betrayed” = did not respect your boundaries, no respect for you
“bad and forth” = BPD with all the love bombing and push-pull

“I deleted her number, removed her from Instagram, TikTok, every social media following, every shared account like Netflix, anything that had her in my phone I've basically gotten rid of.”

This is the best part of the entire post. You need to get on the road to recovery and get as far way from this disaster as possible. Sure the sex might have been good but not at the expense of your mental health. You are trying to have a ”normal” relationship while this women is obviously confused and on a destructive path. Life is too short to waste your time with sh!t like this. You are 25 and should be enjoying life.

Here is a great book to read. Don’t put your life on hold thinking that you can help this women become someone she is not.

Codependent No More

Have you lost sight of yourself while addressing the needs of others? Is someone else's problem your problem? Fully revised and updated, with a new chapter on trauma and anxiety, this modern classic - that has already sold over 7 million copies across the globe - will help you heal and grow...

www.google.com

 

[Peaks&Valleys]

OP, it sounds to me like you knew what you were getting into but then got butt hurt when one of those glaring red flags came into fruition.

It didn't bother me...

Yes, it obviously did.

And I was totally cool with her having whatever she needed on the side.

Nah, you weren't.

 

[Stuffnu]

You had envisioned a fairy tale with a trash panda.
Leave her stuff by the door and good riddance.
Keep up with no contact and report here if you need to vent.
Time always heals and when you look back, you’ll slap yourself silly for engaging with this woman.

 

[Dr.Suave]

"She told me she can only see me in her life as a friend with benefits" So basically you can keep banging her without comitment/exclusivity/labels. This is supposed to be a good thing.

This is what most guys here (suposedly) want. Girls are suposedly the ones pushing for comitment/exclusivity/labels. Your world (frame) is backwards. You and her are upside down.


Anyway...
About a couple of years ago, my then LTR of 4years+ broke up with me, in a brutal way. I felt bad for a few days, of course.

But I got back out there. Started meeting girls.

Some of them didnt pass the boner test, some of them did. Some of the latter showed interest in LTR.

Even though they passed the boner test, I declined, because even though I liked them, I didnt like them as much as my ex girlfriends. If I was gonna LTR, it had to be with someone that I liked more than all my previous LTRs, othwerise I would have felt I was settling for less, going backwards in life instead of forward, instead of progressing.

Evetually I did meet someone I considered worthy of LTR. I hope this helps.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Tough to go through something like this, but we all have been there OP at some point. Keep your head up, you'll be alright.

She didn't want you the same way you wanted her. Not much else to discuss. She wants an open relationship because she lost attraction and/or respect for you over time or because you weren't what she was looking for to begin with, but thought she'd just go with it. And at the end of the day, eventually that wears off no matter how awesome it is. She still wants what she wants and no matter how many other things she loves about you, the baseline attraction was never enough to sustain it.

You are way too deep in it to accept a FWB situation, which you actually SHOULD accept happily. This is ideal, you can go find someone better while still fvcking her and getting your d!ck worked so you don't start getting desperate on dates.

This woman showed you want you wanted to see not who she actually is.The red flags were there all along, you just chose not to see them and ignore them. Can't ignore them anymore, she is done playing make believe with you.

There are of lessons for you to learn moving forward OP, the first one is that when someone tells you who they are, always believe them. She told you who she was right off the rip and you chose to think you could change her or that she didn't really mean it.

Nope, she just played along for a while until she got tired of it and showed who she was...which you already knew but didn't want to believe.

Likely this woman was cheating on from day one, she just tried to hide it. In the end she just stopped caring.

 

[MatureDJ]

You are only distressed because you have no alternative options. You need to harden your heart and up your game so that when a chick bails on you, you are able to regard her as low-value for not seeing your value, and then go on to give the next one a shot.

The current situation with women's hypergamy has made romance a nasty, brutish endeavor. I suppose this is the Yin to the Yang of male-population-decimating war that was in our fairly recent past, which left such a deficit of men that women could afford to be hypergamic.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

You're in a bad place but the only thing you can do is suck it up and wait it out.

Don't do anything foolish.

Don't try having conversations with her, it will only make it worse.

Whatever she says, she's not into you enough to be with you any more.

Cut things off cold and move on, that is the only choice.

This is like being run over a truck and waking up in the hospital with a bunch of broken bones and needing to be in traction.

Nothing to do but suck it up and wait for the pain to slowly recede.

Then, once you're ready, get back out and get back in the game.

This has happened to a kajillion guys before you and will happen to a kajillion guys after you.

Cut her off completely, tend to your wounds and get back in the game when you're ready.

 

[Bible_Belt]

It's not your fault you have a d1ck.

 

[FinallyAlpha]

Leave her stuff by the door and good riddance.

This^^ is your #1 priority. No more chit chat. Don't arrange anything with her. Pack her stuff up yourself, bring it somewhere far away from you and your home, and tell a mutual acquaintance that she can go find it there.

Cold. Fvcking. Turkey.

Then you can move on to figuring out why you did this to yourself, and how you can heal and get better.

You already have some high quality input from other members, above.

--------------
I was in a similar-ish situation ~4 years ago. Fell for a fvcked up young woman with whom I had strong sexual chemistry. You know what that was? A massive waste of my precious time. To get over that, I had to find a good, no-nonsense (male) therapist and he taught me about narcissism and sociopathy, and how to put my big boy boots on.
--------------

You are in a ratfvcked situation right now.

• Step 1: cold turkey and overcome the addiciton
• Step 2: learn from your mistakes, build your chronically low self-esteem, resolve to be a better, stronger, more integrated man

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

I cannot overemphasize how hard it is to overcome that first person with who you have that exquisite chemistry and attraction for, it happens to all of us. It’s like a spell, and it makes us do stupid shyte.

Typically, men who are willing to share a woman do so because they feel unable to keep her as a sexual partner on their own merits. This shreds a man’s ego.

Fleets have been launched by great men in the name of a woman, wars have been fought. Greater men have done far worse and suffered worse consequences than you have. Let this be your lesson.

No contact, get her shyte out of your place, do it NOW. Walk away - you’re relatively unscathed.

A sloot is gunna sloot.

 

[dude99]

Sorry you're going through all of this but as soon as you mentioned she was pan sexual it wasn't going to work.

"She told me she can only see me in her life as a friend with benefits"

This is how she she's everyone. Not just you.

You tried to have a relationship with a garbage quality girl. Bottom line you may not see it at the moment but this girl had nothing redeeming about her.
In typical fashion she tried to absolve herself of responsibility by blaming everything on you but all while pretending to still love you so she could walk away guilt free and leave you holding all the emotional baggage. And when you were sleeping with her and still acting like bf and gf after you broke up was her keeping you on a leash wanting to know she could have a safety net when things don't work out in her new situation.

She isn't loyal. She never will be. She admitted that in the beginning. Pan sexual just means "I will sleep with anything. I have zero standards."

When a woman admits they have no standards and basically efff anything with a pulse their "I love you" Is empty and meaningless. Sorry that is the bottom line.

When she goes out and doesn't come home, and admits to having a one night stand, or comes home drunk every night for a week, a effing the entire neighborhood she is garbage quality.

Your best bet is to focus on you. Move on date new women. When she reaches out ignore her on all fronts. Walk away.

 

[Bokanovsky]

You are confused that your relationship with a mentally unstable, alcoholic, “pansexual” actress didn’t work out?? Wait, why are you confused? Now I am confused.

 

[Snag87]

You are only distressed because you have no alternative options. You need to harden your heart and up your game so that when a chick bails on you, you are able to regard her as low-value for not seeing your value, and then go on to give the next one a shot.

The current situation with women's hypergamy has made romance a nasty, brutish endeavor. I suppose this is the Yin to the Yang of male-population-decimating war that was in our fairly recent past, which left such a deficit of men that women could afford to be hypergamic.

Correct. You have to be heartless and unfeeling or you'll get raked over the coals.

 

[Bigpapa]

You are confused that your relationship with a mentally unstable, alcoholic, “pansexual” actress didn’t work out?? Wait, why are you confused? Now I am confused.

White knight complex

Full of men like this

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Correct. You have to be heartless and unfeeling or you'll get raked over the coals.

Don't agree with this. You can't remove your humanity from relationships unless you want to be a robot.

Screen well and don't ignore red flags and you'll usually be OK.

Most men are not very good at either of these and need to work at improving at those.

 

[ThisIsSparta]

Jesus Christ OP.......





I wouldnt even know where to start....... wait, i do.

Against the opinion of some guys here that "we have all been there", i strongly disagree.

It didn't bother me... And I was totally cool with her having whatever she needed on the side.

Agreeing on being cucked is a surefire way to things blowing up right into your face.

Obviously you should have spent more time here since 2014.

What did you expect from a woman that was upfront admitting to being a hoe?

 

[SmoothHendrixPS2]

Don't ever move in with a girl, unless you share a child.

Don't believe her when she says "I love you".

Once a girl tells you that she is bi/pan/whatever tf she is, you don't act jealous, just realize you aren't all she wants. Express your interest in 3 somes. If she really "loved you" she'd share her ho*es with you!

Consider this heartbreak a blessing, kid. You learned a lot

 

[Macadellic]

By any chance OP is this girl Asian with freckles?