The sins of the Father....

[ManFromTartarus]

"The Gods visit the sins of the fathers upon the children" - Euripides

This is a concept I've had to wrestle with for a very long time. It's referenced in the Bible, and in modern culture as in the lyrics of Everclear's 1997 hit "Father of mine", a song and music video that is so close to my own experience that I still cannot sit through it.

Over time I have come to grips with it and have been able to put it in check, stash it away somewhere, and carry on through life, but I do admit that growing up without a strong father figure has put me at a disadvantage in life and with my relationships with women.

I had to learn a lot of things the hard way, and much of it from the urban streets, a tough teacher and not always the best one. If I hadn't gone into the service (US Army) I doubt that I'd be still here to even talk about it.

So my question is, how do you feel your father figure (or lack thereof) has affected your success and relationships with women?

 

[The Duke]

I learned a lot from observing how my dad handled my mom.

He was never rattled by much. Took my mom's emotional b.s. in stride.

He always made time for his hobbies. Never gave them up to satisfy her.

He chose his battles. He wasn't afraid to put my mom in her place when needed.

He always kept his focus in life. His career was always important then came his hobbies and family.

Most of these things didn't resonate with me until I was in my 40's.

 

[RazorRambo24]

My pops was a very strong father figure-- when he was present. He passed away when I was still young at the time alot of my transition from a kid to adulthood happened. I was heavily involved in the streets and he was my last healthy coping mechanism.. because when I was goin thru **** and felt horrible, going to him and talking to him adn learning about life and history or w.e else made me forget everything else.

He was just never there at a time I needed him the most.. just had to go based off the sht he taught me growing up plus what I learned from the streets and hip hop culture.. My dad was a bigtime player before he married my mom.. My mom was also a huge player and manipulator of men.. She used every dude to her advantage.. to the point that even late in life, we would get phone calls on her landline and it would be some dude she used to mess with like 20 years ago still stuck on her.. Even after marrying my dad, she would meet with random dudes when he wasn't around or he was gone for a bit, which left me really confused as a child... Later in life it manifested as me not trusting women.. Before that though i never cared about or even thought about "trust" because I never caught feelings for women period..

I always thought of women as less.. because I was raised on very masculine (what some feminists would call Mysognistic) ideals due to my pops and family beliefs, the culture in Brooklyn, NYC, etc.. I literally grew up thinking that women were dumber than men.. and that's why they didn't do the same jobs or thats why they didn't play video games, etc.. Which really made it easy to acquire women because I'd bypass all the nonsense and in my mind i could make a girl do whatever I wanted with no doubt.

Overall, if my pops taught me anything it was to always be kind and respectful to women while also having little remorse for them.. Advice I didn' take till my later years-- and which had been profound on my success with keeping women in life, something i had trouble with for a large majority of my dating life.

My fathers impact on my mom was so great that, after he passed, she never re-married, nor did she date any man, or even speak to any man besides his brothers to this very date.. even though people urged her to re-marry and told her about guys out there who were successful who wanted to talk to her. My dad was the prototype of a man who could tame the Jezebel.. and The Jezebel was def my mom. Thus, I became the same way growing up... I'd meet alot of some of the most confident, most wicked promiscuous women.. some of which had an ex in their past who killed himself.. and at one point I asked God to send me more of these women so I can put them in their place.. Thats how big my ego was lol..

My father was a Leo (astrologically) and he very much exhibited that Lion in every single way possible.. he looked it too, and he was not afraid of any authority and the only man in life I've ever met that didn't care what anyone thought of him.. His popularity in this world amongst people he knew was great.. I mean to this day, we have people visit us that were my dads friends who relish in stories about him, and whatnot. He had friends from all walks of life/diff races.. and I mean both women and men.. who still visit us to this day.. some of which my mom befriended.

edit: had to fix some typos

 

[manfrombelow]

In my case, my father was physically present but mentally and emotionally absent in most of my upbringing. The guy's basically a loser and a clown. As a result, my mother (and her feminine energy to be exact) became the dominent force in the household, which fvcked me up badly in terms of a male.

Now, at the age of 33, I'm still struggling in terms of seducing women, and handling myself emotionally and mentally.

To sum it up: Lacking a real father figure or having a bad father figure 100% fvcks a child up, sooner or later, in one way or another, whether it's on purpose or not.

 

[RazorRambo24]

In my case, my father was physically present but mentally and emotionally absent in most of my upbringing. The guy's basically a loser and a clown. As a result, my mother (and her feminine energy to be exact) became the dominent force in the household, which fvcked me up badly in terms of a male.

Now, at the age of 33, I'm still struggling in terms of seducing women, and handling myself emotionally and mentally.

To sum it up: Lacking a real father figure or having a bad father figure 100% fvcks a child up.

I feel you man. My father was there when I would find him, otherwise he wasn't around and he barely took us anywhere growing up or spent real quality time with us.. But, he taught me some things that lasted a lifetime and I found myself growing up to be more like him in some regards.

I think that in every mans life, if he doesn't become more like his father, he becomes in some ways like his mother..

 

[manfrombelow]

I think that in every mans life, if he doesn't become more like his father, he becomes in some ways like his mother..

You remind me of this quote from the Deadpool movie:

"Men are destined to become their fathers"

And this scares me sh~tless actually, because my father is the one thing that I'd rather die than become like him.

 

[ManFromTartarus]

Wow!! I'm a little overwhelmed by the candidness and depth of these replies, hat's off fellas. I feel I owe my elaboration.

My Pop was good looking Greek man, part time musician, and a bit of a womanizer, who made the mistake of starting a family and not giving up his former ways. The thing that caused the split with my mom was just that, fooling around and getting caught, then showing little remorse or concern over his brood.

Growing up in da hood as a young Greek kid raised by a single mom with emotional damage and phobias from the broken marriage was crippling to my growth (God Bless her, she did the best she could). Combined with a father that never took his visitation rights very seriously and dealt with it more as a undesirable chore than a privilege or right left me with a sense that the streets were the only big brother or mentor that would toughen me up for the trials of life. Thank god I choose the military when I realized the path I was on would end me up in prison or the cemetery.

When I came out of the service I still had traces of his legacy in my own behavior and treated women like toilet paper, not in an efficient or effective manner like a true player or mack, but in a reckless way treating some good women very poorly.

It wasn't until my late 20's that I was able to refine myself to the point where I was at least a gentleman about my conduct with women. Unfortunately after that I made the mistake of investing my life in the wrong person, a decision that I feel I could have made better had I the right guidance and examples set for me.

All in the past, we try to overcome these hurdles in life, but we all know we are products of our environment. Good to know I'm not alone with this skeleton in our closets.

All your input on this subject is appreciated.

 

[Giovanni SouthSide]

My father was never a masculine alpha figure for me.
Straight up domesticated, disrespected and hit by my mother.
Looking back it disgusts me till this day how he never put my mom in her place
My mother was the one who beat me down to a pulp with that tough love for the smallest sh1t. In some way that disciplined me to some degree.
My dad never put a hand on me.
I would have divorced my mother if I was in his shoes in a quickness no matter if children were involved.

In his finances and emotional well being my dad was crippled. I learned from my own parents to never ever have joint bank accounts with a woman.
My pops never bothered to teach me how to breath properly in a fight nonetheless awaken my third eye when it came to female nature and masculinity.
He was always working to be that provider for my disrespectful mother.
They eventually divorced.
The ink on the divorce papers wasn’t even dried yet and my dad quickly settled with another woman he worked with and he seems more calm now in his older years.
14 years strong with the same woman. They even got a 7 year old boy.
My mom is still single as I am.
I definitely got that stoic attitude and aggressive alpha traits from my own mother and 1-2 uncles from both sides who are certified money making players.

I turned to the streets for that masculine void in my younger days. I started hanging with the cutthroat older fellas from my area and eventually I got jumped in to my neighborhood back when I was 15.
Full fledged gang member for 10 years.

I don’t condone the gang warpath anymore but that life of rough masculinity challenges with other men , comradery and girls carved me into the resilient and desensitized growing man I am today at 32.

I have always had game since middle school so getting girls wasn’t a factor. In 6th grade I made out with my first girl ever.

But for some reason I can land em but I can’t keep em.

Maybe I’m just traumatized from what I saw as a kid with my parents and I
have 0 patience for disrespectful women now.

I still respect and love my dad.
And always try to visit him and help him out in any way I could.

as a father figure illumination though, I will never want to follow his footsteps.

 

[Stanley]

My dad is one of the most morally upstanding and kind people I know. He has this aura about him that attracts people of every way of life and he is the kind of person that is just magnetic.

My parents were largely absent in my childhood and I was free to do just about whatever as result. This was great until adolescence where I had not received some formative parenting on topics like women. My dad not once, ever talked to me about women or sex or anything of that nature. His parenting style was moreso "sit in your **** and figure it out for yourself" which I actually quite like. It just took me a long time to figure some things out.

Now that I've gotten a bit older my dad has opened up to me more in this regard. My dad was 100% a chad player back in the 70/80's and he landed my mom who was was the female equivalent. I think he for the most part regretted some of the actions he made and debauchery he did in his youth so he kept it from my brother and I. Ironically my brother became a player in the same fashion as my dad and then found a woman worth committing too and tapped out of the game early. He too regrets spending a period of his life chasing tail.

My dad taught me alot by doing very little and it was only when I came to him after trying and failing did he impart some wisdom. I do at times wish my father and mother were more forthcoming and blunt with me as a kid like they were with my older siblings, but I can't change the past and can only learn from it. I developed in some ways faster than my peers while simulatouesly being a late bloomer in other aspects of life. I am in many ways like my father, but also a drastically different person at the same time. I'm quite a bit bolder and blunt, but i'm certain i'll mellow with age.

The gaps in parenting in my life led me to pursue things by my own accord that interested me. I understood by my mid teens the value of mentorship found through forging connections with musicians and quality teachers. I'm sure as a musician yourself you understand the value of mentorship and learning from others @ManFromTartarus. I found father figures of all backgrounds through that world which helped me grow

 

[ManFromTartarus]

I'm sure as a musician yourself you understand the value of mentorship and learning from others @ManFromTartarus. I found father figures of all backgrounds through that world which helped me grow

Interesting you say that cause early on I did have a couple people help get me started in music, but I was one of those DIY kind of learners that excelled quickly in the early periods and was performing on stage only a few months after picking up guitar. It was after that when I would hit a plateau at times in my learning curve because I learned mostly from recordings by ear and couldn't go hang out with Carlos Santana, George Benson or Jeff Beck for playing tips.

As for the rest of life and relationships, I confide that I deeply regret having to learn a lot of those lessons the hard way and might have made some better decisions along the way.

Just water under that bridge.

 

[SargeMaximus]

My dad was a psychopath who literally wanted to kill us so… yeah

 

[ManFromTartarus]

Being born in Cuba ( later moved to Puerto Rico), we didn't have no freedom at all, dad was afraid of everything, police, confrontation with people, neighbors, fights, co workers, a total fvcking puzzy, I vividly remember my brother was gonna get into a fight with an older guy and he didn't do anything to help him, extremally needy, whenever was trouble in home, he would always yell, scream, couldn't handle confrontation very well, I couldn't say what was bothering me, cause "I was disrespecting him" and the moment that happens "he would've take a rope and hang himself", he was a very hard working person thought, the perfect provider, he built two fvcking houses from scratch with help from friends, he thought me to work hard to which I'm very proud of that.

Mom on the other hand was extremely co dependent (perfect for each other), her dad hang himself when she was 10, imagine the trauma, she took the masculine role, mom was authority, mom was smart, mom knew best, mom was the star, the caring for others, dad didn't help her with the house chores, I was the emotional tampon, I was the guy fixing thing for her, therefore for everyone, I associated that with being a good boy, always being the good boi, any naughty trait I had she remained me to be like my older brother even book smarter than me. Whenever there as a huge fight, she treated with taking pills and killing herself, imagine what psychological damage a boy will have knowing if he said the wrong things their parents will end it, I was a monk. And putting women on a pedestal

Had a several lays & several gfs, focused myself in developing a great career to leave home, I knew inside I had to leave, something was telling me. Cherry on top was my brother lost his job due to having psychotic episodes due to much studying I guess Bachelors and Masters in Engineering with a Thesis and a Patent, she took him to several docs with no clear diagnose, parents lost everything financially to try to help them, even I had to go to another state to help him.

Two years ago, found the red pill, got unplugged, read No More Mr Nice Guy like 20 times, among other books, went to therapy, got everything out. Now I'm well established, mom with no money wanted to live with me while trying to find housing from sec 8 since they are retired but financially ruined, that was when I lost respect for them. I told my mom a hard no, kicked out of my house back to PR with my dad, got a vasectomy, told them if I didn't wanna have kids, I wasn't gonna be their care giver, they don't know the language, so I had to take care of them while losing my life. Told them everything I had inside since a kid, how they were emotionally manipulating me with the suicide bull$hit, I got diagnosed with low T at 32 while having injections for a herniated disc to which I overcame

A year ago started gear, kept approaching women, I left my previous job since I was being disrespected, got a better job more money doing what I love, future is fvcking bright, half of the battle is knowing.

Heavy duty stuff hermano, good to see you turned it all around.
... and remember, whenever you feel at a loss in your game with women, you always have one of the best fallbacks ..... you can dance the Salsa.

Bailar Salsero!!

 

[Stanley]

My dad was a psychopath who literally wanted to kill us so… yeah

I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you found a positive masculine influence in your life

 

[Peaks&Valleys]

I learned a lot from observing how my dad handled my mom.

He was never rattled by much. Took my mom's emotional b.s. in stride.

He always made time for his hobbies. Never gave them up to satisfy her.

He chose his battles. He wasn't afraid to put my mom in her place when needed.

He always kept his focus in life. His career was always important then came his hobbies and family.

Most of these things didn't resonate with me until I was in my 40's.

By this post, sounds like a great Dad.

 

[Murk]

Now ain't nobody tell us it was fair
No love from my daddy cause the coward wasn't there
He passed away and I didn't cry, cause my anger
Wouldn't let me feel for a stranger
They say I'm wrong and I'm heartless, but all along
I was looking for a father he was gone

 

[Who Dares Win]

"The Gods visit the sins of the fathers upon the children" - Euripides

This is a concept I've had to wrestle with for a very long time. It's referenced in the Bible, and in modern culture as in the lyrics of Everclear's 1997 hit "Father of mine", a song and music video that is so close to my own experience that I still cannot sit through it.

Over time I have come to grips with it and have been able to put it in check, stash it away somewhere, and carry on through life, but I do admit that growing up without a strong father figure has put me at a disadvantage in life and with my relationships with women.

I had to learn a lot of things the hard way, and much of it from the urban streets, a tough teacher and not always the best one. If I hadn't gone into the service (US Army) I doubt that I'd be still here to even talk about it.

So my question is, how do you feel your father figure (or lack thereof) has affected your success and relationships with women?

My father was a great professional that got success and money out of it but was a pathetic excuse of a man awfully.

He was not there for me since his only satisfaction was working but it's not with women that such thing damaged me the most.

I recall I had serious gap in knowledge and familiarity to deal with other young men when I was a kid and a teen.

I managed to get some basic only attending the bad guys in my area and school, guess that "toxic masculinity" was the example I needed.

Regarding women I dont believe it's a thing by itself, our ability to get them is a conseguence of our overall value and mental stability.

One thing for sure is that the lack of a decent father figure is a strong predictor for drug abuse, depression, anger and antisocial behaviour.

Most men nowadays are broken cause they missed a positive male role model while being over exposed to toxic femininity at home and school.