I want to be a father one day...

[bat soup]

... but my biggest concern in life is having a kid with the wrong woman. How do I handle this desire given my concern?

Choose a girl from the Maury show. One that is 1000% sure who the father is. I don't think you can get more sure than that.

 

[Mister_Skinny_Jeanz]

There only problem with that is that it way more fun to be a young dad than a old fart dad.
It's way more attractive both for yourself and your kid/kids. I was lucky to have young parents that got me and my bigger brother in their very early twenties and its something I personally appreciate a lot.

But people's mentality around the concept of a family and the environment from that time has changed a lot from back then and I do agree there the whole thing is a real issue and high risk these days and which is why I haven't done it so far.

whole thing is just not worth it fool, 9 times out of 10 your father had issues you never even knew about cause he sacrificed for you

 

[AureliusMaximus]

whole thing is just not worth it fool

There is no reason to be disrespectful dude. Keep the tone civil here in the forums.

 

[deBrito]

Helio Gracie did a Playboy interview back in 2001, this is just a part of it.


PLAYBOY: Going to a more agreeable subject, is jiu-jitsu favorable to sex?

HELIO: I can say that I've never had sex with a woman without the purpose of reproduction. I also taught that to my sons and various grand-sons. Never were fags When I was younger I could have had a big succession of women, I was considered a national celebrity, and all young girls were interested in me. I would give them a little kiss, a hug, go around with them but I wouldn't go too far. I always had will power.. When they wanted to get more heavy, I would quickly ask them if they wanted to have my children, because for me that was all I wanted were children. That stopped them right away [laughs].

 

[Mister_Skinny_Jeanz]

There is no reason to be disrespectful dude. Keep the tone civil here in the forums.

relax bro its just slang! no disrespect intended brother

 

[Lookatu]

most of those families you see
those guys are going through **** because they are sacrificing their own happiness for the health of their kids, which i respect. but its a good chance behind closed doors its not all good.

I have 3 kids 11,10,7 and I strongly believe both parents should be making sacrifices for the well being of the kids. If they are not, they are not good parents IMO. Kids are our investment and legacy.

The same thing can be said of both husband and wife. They both have duties and have to make certain sacrifices at times. If they don't, they are not good wives or husbands. Wives should be doing what's necessary to please the husband. The husband should be doing what is necessary to please the wife. Both should be doing what's necessary to make sure the kids have a good life.

In either a relationship or with family, you have to put your selfishness aside as it's not all about you no longer. People just don't get that these days.

What I find these days is people place more importance on self happiness and totally neglect the duty aspect of it. There needs to be a balance just like it has been in the past. My $.02

 

[TheProspect]

Bump.
Curious to hear the perspectives and experiences of the newer members on this topic.

I was 26 when I created this thread over 3 years ago. I'm turning 30 this year. Still no kids.

While I still want to be a father one day, I have less desire to do so. Perhaps due to a somewhat pessimistic view that I won't meet the ideal candidate to start a family with. Which leaves me pondering, should I just be willing to settle for "good enough"?

As I mentioned previously in the thread, I am ultimately good with or without becoming a father. I think it's important for every man to find meaning in his life outside of spreading his seed and raising kids. That being said, it would definitely bring a new kind of meaning to my life when I have a child of my own some day, a kind of meaning that I would welcome, and I guess somewhere deep down long for...

... but that longing gets extinguished when I think of the absolute hell it could be having kids with someone who turns out to be the wrong woman. The horror stories I've seen and read on SoSuave alone stir up a bit of fear in me in that regard I suppose... and fears often become self-fulfilling prophecies. How does one navigate that?

And just like that, I am back to the train of thought I was in when I originally posted this thread.

 

[2Rocky]

Being a Father (speaking as someone who has been one for 25 years) is the ultimate in being a leader. I think most fathers learn that on the job rather than having that skill as a prerequisite. But women who want to have a family with a man will recognize the potential in that man's actions.

As to how to find the right woman to create that family with , It is a matter of living the life you want your family to have, and women who are of the same mindset will be there and make themselves readily apparent. Lead by example and follow your dreams . Even if no one "follows" go do it on your own and you will be surprised who you will meet along the way. I think you will find that when that happens you will feel more ready, because you have demonstrated to yourself that you are capable.

 

[CBear]

Bump.
Curious to hear the perspectives and experiences of the newer members on this topic.

I was 26 when I created this thread over 3 years ago. I'm turning 30 this year. Still no kids.

While I still want to be a father one day, I have less desire to do so. Perhaps due to a somewhat pessimistic view that I won't meet the ideal candidate to start a family with. Which leaves me pondering, should I just be willing to settle for "good enough"?

As I mentioned previously in the thread, I am ultimately good with or without becoming a father. I think it's important for every man to find meaning in his life outside of spreading his seed and raising kids. That being said, it would definitely bring a new kind of meaning to my life when I have a child of my own some day, a kind of meaning that I would welcome, and I guess somewhere deep down long for...

... but that longing gets extinguished when I think of the absolute hell it could be having kids with someone who turns out to be the wrong woman. The horror stories I've seen and read on SoSuave alone stir up a bit of fear in me in that regard I suppose... and fears often become self-fulfilling prophecies. How does one navigate that?

And just like that, I am back to the train of thought I was in when I originally posted this thread.

I think the problem with the new generation is they're told and convinced that their 20s is for "fun" or "experimenting". This is wrong. Once you develop good judgement, as an example, if you find a good woman at age 23, don't throw that away. I hear guys who are in their 30s who have many regrets due to looking the other way because they thought that they'd have more time or options, like many women experience, nowadays. Others avoid women altogether because they think they'll come later. Plus having kids later in life can really screw up your relationship with your kids. Having said that, I think it's just as important to not dive in too deep too early (18-21). The big determinant is finding a woman that fits your standards. But my point is if you get that earlier, don't say no to it.

 

[ManFromTartarus]

I can only speak of my own experience and the mistake I made in choosing the wrong person to invest my life in. I've seen others that have had successful parenting lives in the world and here on SS, but my own was beyond difficult and had such an impact that the repercussions are with me to this day.

This is an excerpt from my first thread here:

"Years ago I was a good looking man with a decent job and a part time music career, no major hits but performed regularly and had no problems meeting women. I gave most of that up to marry beautiful woman and have a child, who turned out to be the wrong person to invest my life in. This led to divorce, 7 court battles, 3 states jurisdictions, child abduction, parental alienation, and ultimately estrangement. I spent the last 20 years, almost every penny I made, put all of my personal relationships as 2nd priority, fighting to be part of my child's life and ended up with less than nothing but emotional scars."


I don't want to throw fear tactics at you, but choosing the right person to invest your life in is one of the toughest decisions a man can make, and I'll admit I didn't do well with that decision.

I may be one of the extreme cases and not the norm, but it can at least point out what's at stake and how bad things can turn.

Best wishes on your path.

 

[CBear]

I can only speak of my own experience and the mistake I made in choosing the wrong person to invest my life in. I've seen others that have had successful parenting lives in the world and here on SS, but my own was beyond difficult and had such an impact that the repercussions are with me to this day.

This is an excerpt from my first thread here:

"Years ago I was a good looking man with a decent job and a part time music career, no major hits but performed regularly and had no problems meeting women. I gave most of that up to marry beautiful woman and have a child, who turned out to be the wrong person to invest my life in. This led to divorce, 7 court battles, 3 states jurisdictions, child abduction, parental alienation, and ultimately estrangement. I spent the last 20 years, almost every penny I made, put all of my personal relationships as 2nd priority, fighting to be part of my child's life and ended up with less than nothing but emotional scars."


I don't want to throw fear tactics at you, but choosing the right person to invest your life in is one of the toughest decisions a man can make, and I'll admit I didn't do well with that decision.

I may be one of the extreme cases and not the norm, but it can at least point out what's at stake and how bad things can turn.

Best wishes on your path.

Agreed. This is why I think it's absolutely vital to develop good judgement as a man. One has to look at all words, actions, details, family behaviors, past, etc of the woman. You can't just pick or settle for any one. Specificity is so important when looking for a long term partner

 

[2Rocky]

my own experience and the mistake I made in choosing the wrong person to invest my life in.

Oh I may have met the wrong person for a lifetime, but we made some pretty damn good kids. I'd say for the first 10 years she was the right partner but I grew and she didn't. Remember you can't rewrite the past but you can author the next chapter.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

You spend a lot of time vetting her and her friends and family.

Do not marry someone that you have a toxic relationship with where you constantly fight about stuff. Shouldn't even be in a relationship like that but apparently this is a large portion of people's default relationship.

Do not marry someone that brings a ton of debt to the marriage that you have to help pay off. Do not marry someone that loves spending money like water or is terrible financially. Finances are one of the biggest things people fight over in a marriage and the number one cause of divorce.

You don't always have to share the same views about things but there are certain things where sharing the same views are really non-negotiable or you are simply setting yourself up for failure.

These are finances, children(having and how to raise them), city of residency(ie, don't marry someone in the Midwest from Miami that wants to go back to Miami and you don't), and willingness to compromise on important matters that don't fall into the above categories.

If a person is unwilling to compromise they cannot be in a marriage that will last. There are too many situations and decisions that are never ending in a marriage that require compromise and if a person doesn't have the ability to do it, it will not end well...