Has anyone else here dealt with sexual addiction?

[RazorRambo24]

edited: I ended up writing a lot more than I thought.. and decided to change the Title from "My battle with Sex Addiction"..and cut the long ass novel and make things more simple

If anyone else is on the same boat, what helped you out?

When I used to meet people that told me that they were sexually addicted or dealt with sex addiction, I thought it was absurd.. but years later I find myself sexually addicted and realizing I'm really in need of change.. I've lost groups of friends to my lustful nature, messed up good relationships, lost my job recently and got outed as being a womanizer.. etc

Last night I went out and did some questionable sh.t that I'm not proud of..

woke up today hungover and just realizing I need to change if I ever want to really settle down

 

[Plinco]

I think a lot of men have some kind of sexual addiction.

Something that has shown to help is intermittent fasting. If you are in a fasted state, your dopamine levels out faster. Just try it and see if it works for you.

 

[SW15]

I need to change if I ever want to really settle down

It's a common feeling for me. It doesn't seem like settling down can be the same as it once was. It doesn't offer the same advantages as it once did. @RazorRambo24 and I are both Millennials. Most Millennials had Boomer parents who had a better chance of making settling down work. The last generation to actually make it work with settling down was the GI Generation that fought World War II. The Silent Generation was the first generation to use birth control in the 1960s as most Boomers were still too young to be sexually active in the first half of the 1960s. The Silents were the first wave to divorce when no fault divorce happened in the early 1970s too.

 

[RazorRambo24]

I think a lot of men have some kind of sexual addiction.

Something that has shown to help is intermittent fasting. If you are in a fasted state, your dopamine levels out faster. Just try it and see if it works for you.

I can try.. I mean I used to do some intermittent fasting in the past but I can't remember if it helped my behaviors or anything. Probably did.

It's a common feeling for me. It doesn't seem like settling down can be the same as it once was. It doesn't offer the same advantages as it once did. @RazorRambo24 and I are both Millennials. Most Millennials had Boomer parents who had a better chance of making settling down work. The last generation to actually make it work with settling down was the GI Generation that fought World War II. The Silent Generation was the first generation to use birth control in the 1960s as most Boomers were still too young to be sexually active in the first half of the 1960s. The Silents were the first wave to divorce when no fault divorce happened in the early 1970s too.

For me, I enjoy spinning plates (it doesnt ever get old) but there's something about commitment that feels better. With my plates, I understand they're probably seeing other guys at times too, but I nkow that they sleep with me consistently enough that I'm most definitely their primary guy..Regardless, I don't worry or even think about what else they got going on aside from what they end up talking about and telling me. But theres one girl who I really like and I know shes getting more invested in me and who I want to make my girlfriend and see how that goes. With her, I would hate if she had other guys she slept with because I kinda have feelings for her. In the past, I'd get obsessed over one girl and endup messing it up by f-cking a bunch of other girls. Now that I got super consistent plates who I've been seeing for a long time till th point where I'm really comfortable with all of them and they'd probably really have my back in some dire situations.. I don't feel as obsessed over the one girl. I do want to see her more often but I like the balance i have now and she's cool enoguh to never ask me about what else I have going on and vice versa.

Vday is coming up and I wanted to something nice for her.. but after going out last night and boning some chick I just feel disgusted with myself.. Not only because I've consciously been trying to go away from the lifestyle because of my age and wanting to start a family, but also because I ended up sleeping with the friend of the girl who I picked up and created all this rapport with and made her think we're goin to get it in.. just to get to her place and sleep whit her friend instead. Feels awful and embarassing/awkward.. The best I cold do was text the poor girl like "hey sorry about last night, u were mad cool" as if that is going to do anything. Some would say why do u care about some random slut from the club ? idk i just feel like i end up doing **** like taht often..

 

[Bible_Belt]

I can try.. I mean I used to do some intermittent fasting in the past but I can't remember if it helped my behaviors or anything. Probably did.




For me, I enjoy spinning plates (it doesnt ever get old) but there's something about commitment that feels better. With my plates, I understand they're probably seeing other guys at times too, but I nkow that they sleep with me consistently enough that I'm most definitely their primary guy..Regardless, I don't worry or even think about what else they got going on aside from what they end up talking about and telling me. But theres one girl who I really like and I know shes getting more invested in me and who I want to make my girlfriend and see how that goes. With her, I would hate if she had other guys she slept with because I kinda have feelings for her. In the past, I'd get obsessed over one girl and endup messing it up by f-cking a bunch of other girls. Now that I got super consistent plates who I've been seeing for a long time till th point where I'm really comfortable with all of them and they'd probably really have my back in some dire situations.. I don't feel as obsessed over the one girl. I do want to see her more often but I like the balance i have now and she's cool enoguh to never ask me about what else I have going on and vice versa.

Vday is coming up and I wanted to something nice for her.. but after going out last night and boning some chick I just feel disgusted with myself.. Not only because I've consciously been trying to go away from the lifestyle because of my age and wanting to start a family, but also because I ended up sleeping with the friend of the girl who I picked up and created all this rapport with and made her think we're goin to get it in.. just to get to her place and sleep whit her friend instead. Feels awful and embarassing/awkward.. The best I cold do was text the poor girl like "hey sorry about last night, u were mad cool" as if that is going to do anything. Some would say why do u care about some random slut from the club ? idk i just feel like i end up doing **** like taht often..

I have been you, lol. Notch count doesn't equal happiness. There are a lot of other ways to find meaning in life. I wish you the best, my friend.

 

[Stanley]

Have you considered taking a break and being with your thoughts and reflecting? Focusing solely on your wellbeing, goals/ambitions, health/fitness, career and so on?

Not to get all 'hoohah' on you, but it sounds like you've got a lot brewing up there, which I think is good. It sounds like you know what you want, but don't know if you can achieve it or maintain it?? If you want a committed relationship then why not pursue something with this girl? You've recognized your self sabotaging behavior from the past as well as the inclination towards oneitis, but you aren't the same person from the past. You are aware of your behaviors and have learned from them so why not take the leap and go after what you want? If you want to change your lifestyle then you've gotta take it a step at a time.

Therapy is awesome if you find the right therapist.

 

[member160292]

I have 10 years ago. Quantity over quality. Self-reflection is a b!tch, but it will speed up your recovery. Be well, my friend.

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

I’ve often wondered if I was afflicted by this. So much so I sought the diagnosis of a professional. The diagnosis was negative.

SA’s put themselves and others in real danger, I’ve never done that to satisfy my needs. Have I done stuff that would be considered “morally questionable”? Possibly, but nothing 80% of women do on the regular.

If you’re smooth and can convince a woman that you’re a cool cat, that you don’t judge (yeah right), and that she’s found a guy that she can talk to about anything; you’d be amazed the things they will admit to. Even the most unsuspecting ones…

Mind blowing.

 

[member160292]

If you’re smooth and can convince a woman that you’re a cool cat, that you don’t judge (yeah right), and that she’s found a guy that she can talk to about anything; you’d be amazed the things they will admit to. Even the most unsuspecting ones…

Mind blowing.

LOL! That’s my Achilles heel, some sh!t you don’t need to know

 

[lost_blackbird]

Complete sexual avoidance is more of a issue for me.

 

[ThisIsSparta]

My wife is a sex addict, shes getting quite unbearable if she doesnt get her fix at least every second day.

All my attempts to get her clean failed.

 

[Modern Man Advice]

There are two parts to this:

1) What is addiction? Another member briefly mentioned this but what most men would consider sex addiction is just a normal sex drive for a man. Men naturally have high sex drives and given the opportunity, we will have sex, even if the woman barely or doesn't even meet our standards.
2) What drives your sex drive? That would give you an idea of whether you have a problem. Is it mental vs physical release? Is it pride? Is it "happiness/fulfillment"? Is it social status? Etc, etc.

It is a good conversation to discuss. I believe it's so subjective with so many grey areas. I am against labels and arbitrary diagnosis. Just like many children are wrongfully diagnosed with ADHD, etc.

It's so easy to say you fall into this category/diagnosis and off you go with an array of pills with labels "M, T, W, T, F, S, S" and you can almost hear the cash register sound effect as you walk out the "Drs" office.

 

[Barrister]

OP,

I have gone through phases where I have felt like I can't fvck enough different women. So I get the drive.

That said, your problem isn't a sex addiction so much as it is what means you are using to fulfill it. You stated you did something last night you aren't proud of - I assume to get sex. Having sex is a good thing for your health - but the circumstances of how you get there can certainly be problematic.

I think @Modern Man Advice gave you some good questions to ask yourself - but I would be careful of trying to over-analyze this. There was a period of time following my divorce 5 years ago where I took a lot of risks. A lot of drinking and a lot of sex with different women, and like you, I did some things that looking back were very risky for myself and my career that gave me a rush at the time but were downright stupid. I am guessing there is something occurring in your life, completely unrelated to sex, that is causing you to use sex as an outlet. You need to identify what that is.

Good luck, brother.

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

Everything in life pretty much is driven by dopamine. How you have habituated your reward centers. Dopamine is as addictive as cocaine and opiates - why? Because those drugs are dopamine agonists- it means their chemical properties allow them to attach themselves to the same binding points on cell walls as that of dopamine.

Our culture, upbringing, environment all are factors in how we associate the production of dopamine to an activity.

Different strokes for different folks. Some men want money - that drives them, even more so than the rewards of sex, some people it’s food, alcohol, drugs, fast cars the result is a dopamine release.

In the case of high sex drive individuals they have simply trained their dopamine releases to occur more significantly as the result of sex, even in sex there are subcategories: the hunt, some folks like the act more than the orgasm, some crave knowing a woman wants them, for some it is culmination.

In my case there are NO optional activities that take precedence over sex and knowing that a woman I’m having sex with is thoroughly satisfied to the point at which they borderline crash, after a train load of mind blowing O’s. That’s my drug and what activates my reward centers (dopamine release).

Men here who say “I’d rather hang with my buds than bang a chick into a quivering mass of orgasmic fluids” simply don’t receive the rewards I do from sex.

There is no right or wrong here, everyone has their own way of approaching life.

The one place where having a high sex drive is a problem for those who don’t is if their woman has a higher libido than they do, then, in the purest of terms (all else being the same), I constitute a threat because not only am I able to deliver, I WANT TO. Likewise if a woman values money and material wealth (security) more than sex, the guy that accumulates wealth is a threat to me.

Now, sex addiction is when you allow your need for sex to put you or other people in danger. That is the overriding rule out for it.

 

[Pandora]

edited: I ended up writing a lot more than I thought.. and decided to change the Title from "My battle with Sex Addiction"..and cut the long ass novel and make things more simple

If anyone else is on the same boat, what helped you out?

When I used to meet people that told me that they were sexually addicted or dealt with sex addiction, I thought it was absurd.. but years later I find myself sexually addicted and realizing I'm really in need of change.. I've lost groups of friends to my lustful nature, messed up good relationships, lost my job recently and got outed as being a womanizer.. etc

Last night I went out and did some questionable sh.t that I'm not proud of..

woke up today hungover and just realizing I need to change if I ever want to really settle down

Try psychedelics like psylocibin therapy. Addiction is a result of unhealed trauma. It is a coping mechanism. Get to the root cause of the trauma. Plants medicines will do a lot to cure this.

 

[Pandora]

Sexual addiction is a myth. You’re a normal male with normal drives. Nothing to apologize for.

When it starts to effect your job and destroy your life then its time to worry. Then it becomes a real addiction. But I agree that in most cases its just normal male testosterone.

 

[RazorRambo24]

Have you considered taking a break and being with your thoughts and reflecting? Focusing solely on your wellbeing, goals/ambitions, health/fitness, career and so on?

Not to get all 'hoohah' on you, but it sounds like you've got a lot brewing up there, which I think is good. It sounds like you know what you want, but don't know if you can achieve it or maintain it?? If you want a committed relationship then why not pursue something with this girl? You've recognized your self sabotaging behavior from the past as well as the inclination towards oneitis, but you aren't the same person from the past. You are aware of your behaviors and have learned from them so why not take the leap and go after what you want? If you want to change your lifestyle then you've gotta take it a step at a time.

Therapy is awesome if you find the right therapist.

Yeah Idk i go from being really grateful and thinking like "man i really love my life right now" to just feeling like trash.. Like I don't feel fulfilled outside of the realm of social/sexual gratification at times.. like I should be doing more.. My mind always thinks back to all these friends I lost because of stupid sh.t i've done or how i messed up good opportunities because of my lustful nature/having sex with the wrong people.. then being inconsiderate of their feelings.. Its really weird because theres girls out there you can have sex with and its nota big deal and life goes on and if u see them, its all cool and they dont care if you don't "choose" them or pursue them.. and then theres others who will really try to throw dirt on your name because they feel or felt that you having sex/romance with them/talking to them a bit makes u obligated to them or idk. The double standards these days are crazy.

The inclination to settle down comes from many things.. My mom is getting old and wants to have grand children, I have a guilty conscious like something bad is going to happen or im going to lose the girl I like.. just because I never opened upto tell her yo you know im seeing other girls right..a nd i never bother to ask her.. but it feels like some move has to be made or something will go wrong.. like walking on a balance beam kinda thing. I guess it stems from one of the only girls i ever truly fell in love with just leaving me because of mistakes i made.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you say you aren't the same person from the past.. But that statement is like a double edged sword. Theres parts of me in the past who I feel were better, less lustful than I am now. And then theres parts of me from the past that feel like things are going to go wrong due to past circumstances... Its almost like I need to just relax. I think my life goes from just like low peaks to just highly gratifying sexual experiences in such a weird manner.. like if it were drawn on a graph it would be like a bunch of spikes instead of curves.. if that makes sense. I think that is what makes me crave it all the time. Luckily I dont have a problem with drugs or alcohol right now... dont have really any other vice besides sex and porn.

Sexual addiction is a myth. You’re a normal male with normal drives. Nothing to apologize for.

Thisis my coping mechanism haha.. See, I'm not as bad when I have more work and stuff to do.. when I'm in work / business mode, I can even avoid seeing my plates for a week or two. But theres times where im literally just thinking about having sex with women anywhere I go.. I think its not the sex itself thts causing the issue. I think the sex is causing lots of dopamine spikes rather than consistent waves of having sex with 1 partner.. but i think its the addition of watching porn that is causin more sexual themes and desires to pop up in my mind. If sex is like heroin porn is like cocaine, im basically speedballin' through life.

There are two parts to this:

1) What is addiction? Another member briefly mentioned this but what most men would consider sex addiction is just a normal sex drive for a man. Men naturally have high sex drives and given the opportunity, we will have sex, even if the woman barely or doesn't even meet our standards.
2) What drives your sex drive? That would give you an idea of whether you have a problem. Is it mental vs physical release? Is it pride? Is it "happiness/fulfillment"? Is it social status? Etc, etc.

It is a good conversation to discuss. I believe it's so subjective with so many grey areas. I am against labels and arbitrary diagnosis. Just like many children are wrongfully diagnosed with ADHD, etc.

It's so easy to say you fall into this category/diagnosis and off you go with an array of pills with labels "M, T, W, T, F, S, S" and you can almost hear the cash register sound effect as you walk out the "Drs" office.

See the one thing i don't do, is i don't just bang anyone. I think i am spoiled in that sense that i dont need to just go bang a random whale or something to get off.. But, to me the sexual addiction is this: having sex 3-4 times a week consistently throughout the year, yet not being satisfied, thus craving more sex when they are not around, yet not pushing for it, so instead watching porn and masturbating, and occasionally going out and scooping something from the bar/club or Tinder and then 2 days later seeing one of my plates who I have a great connection with and feeling like im hiding something and having to act normal.. then a day or two after that seeing another plate and acting like everythings normal.. when part of my consciousness just feels like its not.. like Ideally, i think I would feel real emancipated if I could be totally open with the women I'm seeing about whats going on with me. Now that i dont have too many male friends.. (have about 3 that i see maybe every 2 weeks, besides my brother who i hang with maybe 2 times a week), my plates are some of my closest friends in a way.. but they dont share things that i wouldnt want to hear and vice versa.

I do have a super high sex drive though. I can have sex 4 times a day if i wanted to. My recharge time can vary from like 10 minutes to 20-30 minutes.. I think ive had times where i busted and maybe 5-10 mins later i was able to go again. its wild. I take alot of supplements to just feel like im replenishing whatever vital nutrients im losing lol

You posed a great question though.. what drives my sex drive... I think its just pure pleasure in all honesty.. I lost the need for validation or feeling cool/feeling like a player long ago .. I've gotten all the ego validation I needed.. I think as I mentioned, that the pleasure spikes from having/anticipating sex are so high, the experience feels great.. and the fact that im getting variety makes me feel like its all novelty.. like i cant get tired of it.

The last 2 years have been interesting because I was in a process of finally "chilling out" and trying to get ready to settle down, stopped going out as much, but instead, what ended up happening is I encountered more sexual interactions in would be ordinary situations and that just like blew the lid for me and made me

I know 100% if i settled down with 1 person, id get more of a streamlined waves of dopamine rather than these spikes.. but it wouldn't be as fun.

I think my best approach right now would be to just continue things as they are, but cut out the porn, and probably delete Tinder as well.. I wasnt watching porn for a few years and thats really what allowed me to be more tame and have better discipline for a while. I think porn just makes us more fiendish for sex.. because it creates more themes in our head that just constantly remind us of sex, and wanting to have more and more novel encounters.

Try psychedelics like psylocibin therapy. Addiction is a result of unhealed trauma. It is a coping mechanism. Get to the root cause of the trauma. Plants medicines will do a lot to cure this.

I can try again. i messed with shrooms a bit, but my last trip was real strange/messed up. I think my serotonin system is wonky.. last ime i did shrooms and last time i did lsd both were not fun experiences.. felt like i could barely control myself. .. might have to try microdosing

 

[RazorRambo24]

OP,

I have gone through phases where I have felt like I can't fvck enough different women. So I get the drive.

That said, your problem isn't a sex addiction so much as it is what means you are using to fulfill it. You stated you did something last night you aren't proud of - I assume to get sex. Having sex is a good thing for your health - but the circumstances of how you get there can certainly be problematic.

I think @Modern Man Advice gave you some good questions to ask yourself - but I would be careful of trying to over-analyze this. There was a period of time following my divorce 5 years ago where I took a lot of risks. A lot of drinking and a lot of sex with different women, and like you, I did some things that looking back were very risky for myself and my career that gave me a rush at the time but were downright stupid. I am guessing there is something occurring in your life, completely unrelated to sex, that is causing you to use sex as an outlet. You need to identify what that is.

Good luck, brother.

For me its not the sex i wasnt proud of.. Its the fact that i spoke to girl A and flirted with her while her friend Girl B was there talking to random dudes, but after going home with Girl A, i ended up sleeping with her friend Girl B (her roommate) instead of her because Girl B just ended up being more sexy and charming. It just made me feel scummy because i have a history of meeting one girl and then sleepign with another girl, making the 1st girl feel like sh.t and I dont mean to.. but its kinda like the 1st girl ends up being a launching pad for the night to end up finding/boosting me enough to get a hotter chick..

To be fair I might have drank a bit more than I am used to in this current state since I dont go out as much as I used to.. but idk still feels bad. Like i said, I got alot of guilty conscience ...

 

[Modern Man Advice]

Yeah Idk i go from being really grateful and thinking like "man i really love my life right now" to just feeling like trash.. Like I don't feel fulfilled outside of the realm of social/sexual gratification at times.. like I should be doing more.. My mind always thinks back to all these friends I lost because of stupid sh.t i've done or how i messed up good opportunities because of my lustful nature/having sex with the wrong people.. then being inconsiderate of their feelings.. Its really weird because theres girls out there you can have sex with and its nota big deal and life goes on and if u see them, its all cool and they dont care if you don't "choose" them or pursue them.. and then theres others who will really try to throw dirt on your name because they feel or felt that you having sex/romance with them/talking to them a bit makes u obligated to them or idk. The double standards these days are crazy.

The inclination to settle down comes from many things.. My mom is getting old and wants to have grand children, I have a guilty conscious like something bad is going to happen or im going to lose the girl I like.. just because I never opened upto tell her yo you know im seeing other girls right..a nd i never bother to ask her.. but it feels like some move has to be made or something will go wrong.. like walking on a balance beam kinda thing. I guess it stems from one of the only girls i ever truly fell in love with just leaving me because of mistakes i made.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you say you aren't the same person from the past.. But that statement is like a double edged sword. Theres parts of me in the past who I feel were better, less lustful than I am now. And then theres parts of me from the past that feel like things are going to go wrong due to past circumstances... Its almost like I need to just relax. I think my life goes from just like low peaks to just highly gratifying sexual experiences in such a weird manner.. like if it were drawn on a graph it would be like a bunch of spikes instead of curves.. if that makes sense. I think that is what makes me crave it all the time. Luckily I dont have a problem with drugs or alcohol right now... dont have really any other vice besides sex and porn.


Thisis my coping mechanism haha.. See, I'm not as bad when I have more work and stuff to do.. when I'm in work / business mode, I can even avoid seeing my plates for a week or two. But theres times where im literally just thinking about having sex with women anywhere I go.. I think its not the sex itself thts causing the issue. I think the sex is causing lots of dopamine spikes rather than consistent waves of having sex with 1 partner.. but i think its the addition of watching porn that is causin more sexual themes and desires to pop up in my mind. If sex is like heroin porn is like cocaine, im basically speedballin' through life.



See the one thing i don't do, is i don't just bang anyone. I think i am spoiled in that sense that i dont need to just go bang a random whale or something to get off.. But, to me the sexual addiction is this: having sex 3-4 times a week consistently throughout the year, yet not being satisfied, thus craving more sex when they are not around, yet not pushing for it, so instead watching porn and masturbating, and occasionally going out and scooping something from the bar/club or Tinder and then 2 days later seeing one of my plates who I have a great connection with and feeling like im hiding something and having to act normal.. then a day or two after that seeing another plate and acting like everythings normal.. when part of my consciousness just feels like its not.. like Ideally, i think I would feel real emancipated if I could be totally open with the women I'm seeing about whats going on with me. Now that i dont have too many male friends.. (have about 3 that i see maybe every 2 weeks, besides my brother who i hang with maybe 2 times a week), my plates are some of my closest friends in a way.. but they dont share things that i wouldnt want to hear and vice versa.

I do have a super high sex drive though. I can have sex 4 times a day if i wanted to. My recharge time can vary from like 10 minutes to 20-30 minutes.. I think ive had times where i busted and maybe 5-10 mins later i was able to go again. its wild. I take alot of supplements to just feel like im replenishing whatever vital nutrients im losing lol

You posed a great question though.. what drives my sex drive... I think its just pure pleasure in all honesty.. I lost the need for validation or feeling cool/feeling like a player long ago .. I've gotten all the ego validation I needed.. I think as I mentioned, that the pleasure spikes from having/anticipating sex are so high, the experience feels great.. and the fact that im getting variety makes me feel like its all novelty.. like i cant get tired of it.

The last 2 years have been interesting because I was in a process of finally "chilling out" and trying to get ready to settle down, stopped going out as much, but instead, what ended up happening is I encountered more sexual interactions in would be ordinary situations and that just like blew the lid for me and made me

I know 100% if i settled down with 1 person, id get more of a streamlined waves of dopamine rather than these spikes.. but it wouldn't be as fun.

I think my best approach right now would be to just continue things as they are, but cut out the porn, and probably delete Tinder as well.. I wasnt watching porn for a few years and thats really what allowed me to be more tame and have better discipline for a while. I think porn just makes us more fiendish for sex.. because it creates more themes in our head that just constantly remind us of sex, and wanting to have more and more novel encounters.




I can try again. i messed with shrooms a bit, but my last trip was real strange/messed up. I think my serotonin system is wonky.. last ime i did shrooms and last time i did lsd both were not fun experiences.. felt like i could barely control myself. .. might have to try microdosing

Yeah, def cutout porn. That will hinder the neuroplasticity in your brain and is the reason why sex never feels satisfactory.

But what it does sounds like is just a high sex drive, not addiction. If you were lowering your standards, seeking validation or social status, "selling" yourself for it effectively disrespecting yourself, etc then it might not be a healthy part of your life but it sounds like you just enjoy it as much as many of us here do and are lucky to do it 3-4 a week. Cheers to you, man.

The only thing I would recommend is just maybe practicing some self-control, and self-restraint for short periods of time every now and then just to strengthen your self-discipline aka mind over matter.

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

Op: the amount of sex you describe is not out of the question for a well adjusted and healthy guy. That in no way makes you an addict.

I’m two decades older than you and I’m getting laid more than you describe.

I enjoy sex immensely. Always have.

Now if you have issues related to spinning plates then simply stop doing it and see if you can.