How Important Is Communication In A LTR?

[Barrister]

She isn't bringing the issue up... She is carrying on like nothing happened. Feels stupid of me to point it out to her..

For now I am thinking simply silence and limited replies and distance. If she asks what is up, than simply lay out what my expectations are in regards to letting each other know when home.

But to be honest I will struggle to trust her and next time she goes out.

I would bring it up -- but wait until you two are together alone. I would bring it up by saying you were worried about her being OK the next day when you saw she never sent anything to you the previous night and tell her you appreciate her letting you know where she is at the end of the night when you two aren't together. If she pushes back, you have a problem. You will need to decide if you set a firm boundary and try to move forward or if it hints at a bigger problem that you are better off not dealing with at all and decide "on to the next." You simply don't know enough right now to call her out -- even though it smells bad on the surface.

 

[soulforge]

For a man - silence and distance is generally always the best option. Getting angry, upset (emotional) is generally going to register as insecure behavior in the mind of a woman and is going to begin the process of her feeling detached. You likely have experienced this yourself. There is nothing wrong with OP being secure in his information before deciding what needs to happen - it certainly doesn't make him a cuck or anything else. Again, knee-jerk, emotional reactions will generally be seen as weakness.

I kinda feel like letting her know what she did wrong, but probably better if she brings the issue up and not me.

I suppose the only thing I can do now is reply back with a limited text and pull back.

 

[soulforge]

Yes I have and his silence spoke louder than confronting, getting angry and "calling me out."



Totally agree.

And I've experienced both.

How does silence let her know what she did wrong though?

 

[soulforge]

Why do you have to reply at all?

That's not what going silent and distant is or means.

Let her think about the consequences of her actions and ask you why you're silent.

Then tell her and discuss.

If I ignore her completely, then she might start calling me and try to talk to me over the phone? I will have to then tell her where she FD up

 

[soulforge]

Why do you have to reply at all?

That's not what going silent and distant is or means.

Let her think about the consequences of her actions and ask you why you're silent.

Then tell her and discuss calmly and rationally. .

So what you are saying is, she needs to ring me or ask me what is wrong?

 

[soulforge]

I would bring it up -- but wait until you two are together alone. I would bring it up by saying you were worried about her being OK the next day when you saw she never sent anything to you the previous night and tell her you appreciate her letting you know where she is at the end of the night when you two aren't together. If she pushes back, you have a problem. You will need to decide if you set a firm boundary and try to move forward or if it hints at a bigger problem that you are better off not dealing with at all and decide "on to the next." You simply don't know enough right now to call her out -- even though it smells bad on the surface.

We live a distance away like 50 minutes. Can't be alone till next weekend.

The only way the discussion can happen is by text or by phone call

 

[soulforge]

Women aren't stupid @soulforge nor are men when they screw up.

She KNOWS she should have texted you, don't kid yourself about that.

So when you go silent, you are conveying the message (silently) that you are not happy with her behavior, she has an opportunity to think about it and the consequences, and IF she cares will reach out asking and wanting to discuss.

So do I ignore her text messages and wait for her to call? Or if she asks what is wrong by text, then I reply back to her and tell her

 

[ThisIsSparta]

Can't be alone till next weekend.

This might be part of the larger problem.....

 

[soulforge]

I am getting the sense that you want to respond because you fear going silent.

Fear is your enemy in any relationship or dating experience and women can sniff it out no matter how hard you try to hide.

Do not be afraid to lose this relationship, if necessary.

That's your greatest strength, imo.

This is true. And I am willing to lose it, than have these issues over my head all of the time.

Simple question... If she texts and wants to know what's going on? Do I respond or expect her to call me

 

[Dr.Suave]

If she texts and wants to know what's going on? Do I respond or expect her to call me

This girl still in your head bro? Focus your energy on finding a better girl.

 

[soulforge]

Damn, this girl has got YOUR hamster wheels spinning! lol
You need to flip the script @soulforge if you want her to continue respecting you.

Be the stronger partner, a bit of distance is often times a good thing.

But people are so afraid to utilize it for fear of losing the RL which often times results in the exact opposite happening. You will come off insecure, needy and whiny.

Just go do your thing for awhile, again let her wonder and think about the consequences of her actions.

I understand what you are saying and I will do exactly that. But you are not answering my question?

If she asks me what is going on by text, do I Reply back and calmly let her know my expectations or wait for her to ring?

 

[soulforge]

Tell her you will talk about it the next time you're together, in person.

That is very unlikely to happen to be honest.. we live a little distance from each other.

Personally I think If she calls, then I could simply let her know

 

[EyeBRollin]

Well I am definitely pulling back. No more good mornings or goodnights.

Why the fvck were you doing that to begin with?

 

[soulforge]

Why the fvck were you doing that to begin with?

I NEVER initiate a good morning or goodnight... She does the good morning every single time and I simply reply back.

On the very odd occasion I have initiated a goodnight simply to get rid of her, so I can sleep. 99% of all initiation has been done by her

 

[soulforge]

So leave it until the weekend then. I am not a shrink but again I sense fear in your posts.

What are you afraid might happen if you leave it until you see her in person over the weekend?

This sounds like a very serious issue for you, one in which you are considering ending the RL.

Let her FEEL that from you. Flip it around and let HER fear losing you.

That's how you earn or maintain a woman's respect when they break a boundary or otherwise screw up.

I am sorry to say this @soulforge but you are sounding a bit weak here.

I honestly don't mind letting it fall apart... I'm simply looking at what realistically is possible to do.

I mean if she calls me, and wants to talk, then I don't see the harm in letting her know what is up.

I could potentially take her call and simply state we will talk in person on Friday, but that still let's her know that I am talking to her and willing to meet her to talk... How does that make her feel like she is losing me? It doesn't really.

It simply tells her that I want to talk and resolve things at the weekend

 

[soulforge]

Yeah it does because it gets her wondering (hamster wheels spinning) whether or not you are going to break up with her on Friday. Otherwise, why wouldn't you want to talk about it now? Because typically when in a LTR, breaks ups happen in person.

But do what you want, what YOU feel is best. If you want to try and resolve by phone, do that and let chips fall where they may.

Good luck and keep us posted!!

I do prefer to resolve things in person, however by telling we will talk in person, it does signify that I am open to conversation and discussion. These days people rarely break up in person, they mostly Ghost or send a text haha.

But I do understand the point you are making.

It can't be too easy for her, she needs to FEEL the consequences.

She needs to feel like I am willing to ignore her when boundaries are crossed and walk away.

That being said what if she had a reason not to text me, like she fell asleep etc.

However that doesn't make sense to me, as I know she went online on her phone after the movie finished and then later that night a few times up til about 11pm...

She could have easily messaged me in that time frame... Or atleast in the morning, a simple message stating that she got home ok and sorry she didn't let me know.

I won't be contacting her, up until she starts the conversation...

 

[soulforge]

It's a lame excuse however IF that were the case, then the very first text from her this morning would have been "I'm sorry I didn't text you last night, I was exhausted and fell asleep"!

Right?

Best to not make excuses for poor behavior when she breaks a boundary. IMO there was no reason why she could not have shot off a quick text to you last night when she got home. Especially since you guys are long distance which tends to make communication more difficult anyway.

Gotta run @soulforge I actually have Covid and feel like utter crap.

Do what's best for you. I hope it works out for y'all.

Exactly she could have let me know first thing in the morning. But not even a good morning message like she normally sends me.

This all testing and games I am sensing from her..

She just sent me a text asking is everything ok?

Anyway wish you a quick recovery and will keep you on base

 

[Modern Man Advice]

You might be a tweak or two away from a healthy committed long-term relationship.

DO NOT commit unless there is mutual trust and respect. And then you continue building on that.

Sending each other videos to prove you are telling the truth is not only unhealthy but you will not build trust like that.

Rethink your relationship with this girl. It shouldn't feel like mental torture if you constantly feel suspicious.

 

[soulforge]

You might be a tweak or two away from a healthy committed long-term relationship.

DO NOT commit unless there is mutual trust and respect. And then you continue building on that.

Sending each other videos to prove you are telling the truth is not only unhealthy but you will not build trust like that.

Rethink your relationship with this girl. It shouldn't feel like mental torture if you constantly feel suspicious.

Thanks mate. The video wasn't sent as proof, she usually just sends things like that.

However the trust situation is becoming a problem. If she goes out, the minimum should be just letting me know she got back ok.. not only that, she didn't even text me like she normally does in the morning.

Something is very off there.. First no message to let me know she got home ok, then no good morning text or a text to let me know why she didn't text last night.

And now she has messaged me, asking how my day has been, like as if nothing has happened.

Clearly these are shvt tests to see if I lose my cool over her pulling away like that .

Do you think I should communicate and let her know what is up? As she sent me a text asking if everything is ok and why I am not replying.

Clearly she knows what is up, but she won't say it.

 

[Stanley]

Soul weren't you spinning some plates? Did you go exclusive after you dropped that girl you weren't into anymore?