Ask Amy: I haven’t had sex with my wife in more than 20 years

[MatureDJ]

https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2023/01/11/ask-amy-marriage-no-intimacy/

my opinion: It's OVER for Married2DecadeDroughtCels.

Dear Amy: My wife and I have been married for 48 years. In one sense, we are very much committed to each other, however, we have not had sex in more than 20 years and have been intimate only once or twice in that time.

I have on several occasions expressed a desire for affection and intimacy, but the interest doesn’t seem to be there. We never had a great sex life, but affection and sex have completely disappeared over the course of our marriage, and it isn’t something that my wife wishes to discuss.

We can easily discuss any number of topics related to politics, education or the arts, but we are rarely able to have a conversation about our relationship. At one time I proposed counseling, but it went nowhere because my wife had no desire to expose herself to a stranger.

I once asked for guidance in terms of being a better husband, and she remarked that she wasn’t going to give me a “grocery list” of what I should do or how I should behave.

We enjoy doing things together — hiking, biking, going out to dinner, being with friends and family, going to concerts — but in the end our marriage isn’t very satisfying for me on a personal level. I am 72 years old. How do I find contentment in my remaining years?
— Looking for Love

Looking: It sounds as if you already have contentment. Passion may be what you are lacking. I am impressed by your extreme patience during your impressively long marriage.
According to you, you proposed counseling one time and were shot down. You asked about being a “better husband” one time and were shot down. You don’t seem to have been very persistent regarding your desire for affection and intimacy, or in terms of pursuing what you want (and deserve) to have in your marriage.

Intimacy can start with a conversation about intimacy. Or maybe even a fight about intimacy. The very act of wading into that territory where your wife is afraid to go might expose some really tough realities for you both, and yet I hope you will be brave enough to pursue this with more vigor: Is she happy? Are you? Do you want to risk leaving this marriage to try to find someone else? Do you want to risk staying in this marriage while trying to find someone else?

When you invite your partner into therapy and they decline, you should go by yourself, because the very act of wanting someone else to change means that you need to change, too. It is not too late for either of you to change.

 

[SW15]

That's a sexless marriage. Not sure why that guy didn't leave 20 years ago.

If no sex, it's better to live alone than have some biatch in the home.

 

[CollegeMan22]

How can you deal with women without sex? How can you live with their eternal attention- seeking when you want to read or fish in peace? If there is no reward for suffering, then why suffer?

This man has made a mistake. But I’m sure the fEmInIsTs would applaud him for “manning up”. I’m glad at least some of us have learned to assert our wills for our own interests, instead of being the slave of some deranged female.

 

[corsica]

At 72, pay for prostitutes now and then. As for the wife, take her to dine outside few times a week. More often if you can afford.

 

[SW15]

How can you deal with women without sex?

There's no point in interacting with a woman unless you are having sex with her.

 

[2Rocky]

1) It is hubbies fault for letting it get to that point. The same way its an obese persons' fault for letting their weight get out of control.
2) this was 20 years in the making and it won't be solved overnight. The "Metabolism " of the Dead bedroom has been created and is going to have to make small, effective changes overtime to be worthwhile.
3) At this point it's "cheaper to keep her", so if physical intimacy is off the table his best bet is to negotiate a compromise so he can have his physical needs met.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Might as well just call her a roommate.

 

[MatureDJ]

There's no point in interacting with a woman unless you are having sex with her.

Obviously at earlier stages of life this applies; however, at some advanced age, a wife as caretaker would be worth it.

 

[SW15]

Obviously at earlier stages of life this applies; however, at some advanced age, a wife as caretaker would be worth it.

Where woud you guess that advanced age occurs? 60?

Men can directly pay for sex. Men can also pay for someone to serve as a caregiver for them. I'm not sure caregiving potential in advanced age serves as a reason to have a wife.

 

[pipeman84]

We never had a great sex life

I think that's the key part. The marriage was built on a wrong foundation to begin with. If there's no chemistry, no mutual attraction (which is not a conscious choice, it's either there or it isn't), then this is the result.