LTR - Not sure how to handle this issue.....

[Free_Agent]

Hey guys - Been lurking for a while and decided to sign up to get some advice handling this situation. I'll keep it short

Been in an LTR for about 2.5 years. She's 36 I'm 46. Been pretty good other than the typical **** tests.

Had a moment about a month ago where we didn't talk for about 4 weeks. Back together.

Issue - She tells me she's going to Puerto Rico with her "gay" friend from childhood for 5 days / 4 nights during the San Sebastian Street Festival - from what I've read it's pretty crazy. Haven't asked anything other than dates shell be gone.

Should I just confront her and tell her that it's unacceptable and say I don't date women who go off to party islands with other men and see if she falls into line or just demote and keep as plate?

Thanks

 

[ThisIsSparta]

Should I just confront her and tell her that it's unacceptable and say I don't date women who go off to party islands with other men and see if she falls into line or just demote and keep as plate?

Hell yes, set the frame and do it NOW.

Tell her if she wants you to take her serious she needs to behave like a woman in a LTR, otherwise you will not give her LTR status anymore and book a flight (for 1 person) to Thailand for starters.

 

[The Duke]

You aren't going to demote a 2.5yo LTR girl to a plate. You might be happy with that, but she won't go for that.

Is this gay guy a solid friend of hers? Have you hung out with him?

Has she asked you to go? What if you hinted that you wanted to go, would she be ok with that?

You have to determine if this gay guy is just like another one of her female friends. If yes, then I don't see any issue.

If you don't trust her, then you don't have a relationship.

 

[Dr.Suave]

She´s going to a party destination whit another man. Some may find that acceptable and some may not. You have to decide which one are you.

My guess is, deep down you are not ok with this. If you were you would have not created this thread. You should enforce your boundary or break up.

 

[Free_Agent]

You aren't going to demote a 2.5yo LTR girl to a plate. You might be happy with that, but she won't go for that.

Is this gay guy a solid friend of hers? Have you hung out with him?

Has she asked you to go? What if you hinted that you wanted to go, would she be ok with that?

You have to determine if this gay guy is just like another one of her female friends. If yes, then I don't see any issue.

If you don't trust her, then you don't have a relationship.

Thanks

She’s a hard read. I swear I’m dealing with a red pilled woman. Everything I’ve ready here and elsewhere she’s gaming me with. Plate…it’s funny we joked about it yesterday . She wants commitment from me. I wouldn’t mind it but I also don’t like other men ****ing my woman .

Trust has been compromised.

To complicate this more is one of the red flags she’s displayed is keeping the ex on the back burner. About 8 months in I found her lying to me and going out to dinner with him. About a year later caught her still txting him and deleting txt history. During our hiatus - she went away with this guy - paid for her, her sister and sisters BF to go to Bahamas for 4 days.

I’m torn thinking this guy alpha widowed her or he’s beta duck who she’s using him. We’re both successful entrepreneurs. Successful. Made. I have almost unlimited freedom outside of when I have my kids. She and I fly business anywhere we want when we want so she’s treated well.

Sex is almost always initiated by her and she’s willing to do mostly anything. I **** her2-5x a week on average and she organisms multiple times so I don’t think I’m falling short there

Gay friend I’ve heard her mention Him a few times . Never met him. She says she knows him from HS / Church. Lately I’ve been wondering if she’s going away with the ex.

Man I’m a mess

 

[Dr.Suave]

Thanks

She’s a hard read. I swear I’m dealing with a red pilled woman. Everything I’ve ready here and elsewhere she’s gaming me with. Plate…it’s funny we joked about it yesterday . She wants commitment from me. I wouldn’t mind it but I also don’t like other men ****ing my woman .

Trust has been compromised.

To complicate this more is one of the red flags she’s displayed is keeping the ex on the back burner. About 8 months in I found her lying to me and going out to dinner with him. About a year later caught her still txting him and deleting txt history. During our hiatus - she went away with this guy - paid for her, her sister and sisters BF to go to Bahamas for 4 days.

I’m torn thinking this guy alpha widowed her or he’s beta duck who she’s using him. We’re both successful entrepreneurs. Successful. Made. I have almost unlimited freedom outside of when I have my kids. She and I fly business anywhere we want when we want so she’s treated well.

Sex is almost always initiated by her and she’s willing to do mostly anything. I **** her2-5x a week on average and she organisms multiple times so I don’t think I’m falling short there

Gay friend I’ve heard her mention Him a few times . Never met him. She says she knows him from HS / Church. Lately I’ve been wondering if she’s going away with the ex.

Man I’m a mess

Sounds like the sex is good but she is not giving you mental peace. I think your mental health should be more important than good sex.

 

[Gamisch]

Thanks

She’s a hard read. I swear I’m dealing with a red pilled woman. Everything I’ve ready here and elsewhere she’s gaming me with. Plate…it’s funny we joked about it yesterday . She wants commitment from me. I wouldn’t mind it but I also don’t like other men ****ing my woman .

Trust has been compromised.

To complicate this more is one of the red flags she’s displayed is keeping the ex on the back burner. About 8 months in I found her lying to me and going out to dinner with him. About a year later caught her still txting him and deleting txt history. During our hiatus - she went away with this guy - paid for her, her sister and sisters BF to go to Bahamas for 4 days.

I’m torn thinking this guy alpha widowed her or he’s beta duck who she’s using him. We’re both successful entrepreneurs. Successful. Made. I have almost unlimited freedom outside of when I have my kids. She and I fly business anywhere we want when we want so she’s treated well.

Sex is almost always initiated by her and she’s willing to do mostly anything. I **** her2-5x a week on average and she organisms multiple times so I don’t think I’m falling short there

Gay friend I’ve heard her mention Him a few times . Never met him. She says she knows him from HS / Church. Lately I’ve been wondering if she’s going away with the ex.

Man I’m a mess

I understand you are a mess. Its a messy situation to be in.

Ofcourse everyone will tell you to dumb her. With this additional information the OP suddenly sounds wat worse than before.

You gotta make a statement NOW. You allowed her to stay in contact with her baller ex, and she that alone you lost tons of frame. Is he a beta buxx or a baller? Or a combination of these two? Doesnt even matter.

I know it's hard. But you gotta look in the mirror and wonder WHY do you allow this to happen. Sounds like a combo of scarcity, insecurity and not being aware of your own worth and capability.

 

[Free_Agent]

Sounds like the sex is good but she is not giving you mental peace. I think your mental health should be more important than good sex.

Thats a true observation and one I’m aware of but need to accept.

 

[Free_Agent]

I understand you are a mess. Its a messy situation to be in.

Ofcourse everyone will tell you to dumb her. With this additional information the OP suddenly sounds wat worse than before.

You gotta make a statement NOW. You allowed her to stay in contact with her baller ex, and she that alone you lost tons of frame. Is he a beta buxx or a baller? Or a combination of these two? Doesnt even matter.

I know it's hard. But you gotta look in the mirror and wonder WHY do you allow this to happen. Sounds like a combo of scarcity, insecurity and not being aware of your own worth and capability.

You’re right. Scarcity, insecurity and not being aware of your own worth and capability, oneitis etc.

My problem is I’m busy and don’t want to spend the time cultivating new women.

With this one ….when things are going well they’re great. I learned a lot from my marriage .

I’m just going to lay it out to her next week. She can do as she pleases but if she wants to come along with me in life I will not tolerate what I see as blatant disrespect such as maintaining exes and most definitely any kind of trip like this.

 

[CyrusTheGreat]

I’m torn thinking this guy alpha widowed her or he’s beta duck who she’s using him. We’re both successful entrepreneurs. Successful. Made. I have almost unlimited freedom outside of when I have my kids. She and I fly business anywhere we want when we want so she’s treated well.

You just said you have almost unlimited freedom outside when you have your kids

My problem is I’m busy and don’t want to spend the time cultivating new women.

and yet you can't cultivate new women?

Brother, you are clearly being lazy and have scarcity mentality. It isn't that you can't cultivate new women. It's just that you're too used to receiving easy pu$$y, and you don't want to face the challenge of going out there and getting rejected, even though in the long run that will give you much better prospects than your current woman. If she respected you, she wouldn't have been keeping in contact with her ex or go travelling without you. I very much recommend you read the DJ Bible, The Rational Male, and The Unplugged Alpha. The last one is the easiest of them all to read.

Regarding your current case, I suggest you calmly explain to her that this trip is a breach of your boundary and you are not ok with it. My money is on that she won't comply or she will reluctantly comply for the time-being, but sooner or later she will fall back to her old ways. So meanwhile you better work on your game, go approach women, and install dating apps.

 

[CyrusTheGreat]

From another thread...

 

[Stanley]

Catsmeow said it best, this is disrespectful and untrustworthy duplicitous behavior on your girls part. The gay friend thing is whatever if he's actually gay, but given the additional info in relation to the ex I would drop her, would've dropped her the second I found out about the ex. Take your self respect and get out. She won't be your plate, that demotion won't go over. No confrontation needed, leave it at we're done and go. This girl is a damn liar

 

[Free_Agent]

You just said you have almost unlimited freedom outside when you have your kids


and yet you can't cultivate new women?

Brother, you are clearly being lazy and have scarcity mentality. It isn't that you can't cultivate new women. It's just that you're too used to receiving easy pu$$y, and you don't want to face the challenge of going out there and getting rejected, even though in the long run that will give you much better prospects than your current woman. If she respected you, she wouldn't have been keeping in contact with her ex or go travelling without you. I very much recommend you read the DJ Bible, The Rational Male, and The Unplugged Alpha. The last one is the easiest of them all to read.

Regarding your current case, I suggest you calmly explain to her that this trip is a breach of your boundary and you are not ok with it. My money is on that she won't comply or she will reluctantly comply for the time-being, but sooner or later she will fall back to her old ways. So meanwhile you better work on your game, go approach women, and install dating apps.

Yeah. I've been lazy. It's just a mess out there ( look at this one ) I'm not really motivated to. But I do need to cultivate other relationships for sure. I understand I'm creating a lot of issues for myself by not doing so. Ben at my age of 46 I'm in great shape and fairly good looking. My weaknesses is I'm 5'8" and clean shaven bald.

She was actually pretty compliant during the first 2.5 years. She went away with her sisters to the place where they grew up maybe 2-3 times and I'll never stop her from spending time with her family. She did throw the common **** test "girls trip to Vegas" a few times and I just said I don't date/marry women that do that and that was that.

Thanks for the advice. I appreciate it.

 

[pipeman84]

I’m torn thinking this guy alpha widowed her or he’s beta duck who she’s using him. We’re both successful entrepreneurs. Successful. Made. I have almost unlimited freedom outside of when I have my kids. She and I fly business anywhere we want when we want so she’s treated well.

Sex is almost always initiated by her and she’s willing to do mostly anything. I **** her2-5x a week on average and she organisms multiple times so I don’t think I’m falling short there

Man, at your age and with your financial means you should be enjoying life, not be at the whims of a post wall hoe. Jesus Christ man, have some self respect.

This woman has shown her dishonesty plenty times, has no respect for you, yet when it comes to orgasms, she's honest. No 2 ways about.

 

[Barrister]

OP,

You have red flags all over the place with this one. It is time to accept your time on the ride is over.

First with the trip - your problem isn't even the "gay" friend. The problem is she is going to a party destination where your girlfriend is going to be looking to hook up with other men and the "gay" friend is going to be her wingman and will cover for her when it comes to you. She is clearly going down there with the anticipation of getting banged by a man or men and it "staying" down there.

Second, and honestly probably your biggest problem, is that she is being deceptive towards you - and in regards to an ex which makes it almost worse. It hints at what is to come with this trip and your relationship in general.

Cut ties now. She is not going to be a plate for you and you are going to need a clean slate. Expect a lot of promises about things being better if you give her a chance - don't believe them. This relationship has run its course and it is time for you to move on.

 

[SW15]

You have red flags all over the place with this one. It is time to accept your time on the ride is over.

First with the trip - your problem isn't even the "gay" friend. The problem is she is going to a party destination where your girlfriend is going to be looking to hook up with other men and the "gay" friend is going to be her wingman and will cover for her when it comes to you. She is clearly going down there with the anticipation of getting banged by a man or men and it "staying" down there.

Second, and honestly probably your biggest problem, is that she is being deceptive towards you - and in regards to an ex which makes it almost worse. It hints at what is to come with this trip and your relationship in general.

Cut ties now. She is not going to be a plate for you and you are going to need a clean slate. Expect a lot of promises about things being better if you give her a chance - don't believe them. This relationship has run its course and it is time for you to move on.

This is perfect analysis. I don't have much to add.

@Free_Agent -- Check out the thread below too. In the USA, Miami, Las Vegas, New Orleans, and Phoenix are common destinations for women to go when they want to take a leisure trip and have an affair. Caribbean-type islands like Puerto Rico are no different than going to Miami, which is also Caribbean in nature.

If your girlfriend or wife takes a trip to Miami, bad news.

I cannot say this of other major cities, not even NYC, but it seems like women come to Miami solely to cheat on their husbands or boyfriends.

www.sosuave.net

 

[Free_Agent]

Hey @Free_Agent , allow me to chime in with my perspective as a woman. For context, I have been in several LTRs and got married last July. I am 32, my hubs is 45.

Anyway, not sure if other posters missed this^ but this is plain ole not acceptable behavior when in a serious LTR. Not only is it apparent she has unfinished business with her EX, she's liar. Lies about having dinner with him and deletes their texting history.

As if that's not bad enough, you temporarily break up and she's off to the Bahamas with him for four days? Fully paid. Nice lil couples retreat with her sister and her sister's boyfriend, whom he also paid for. Lord!!

As a woman, I would never tolerate that behavior from a long term serious boyfriend, no one should. May I ask why you did? Nor would I ever behave that way myself.

You need stronger boundaries mate. It may be too late for this relationship but going forward in your next.

There is no other way to say this other than at this point, I doubt she has a whole lot of respect for you, sorry. Sounds like she enjoys all the perks you offer, but hell she's cavorting around with her ex behind your back, having dinner, exchanging texts and lying about it, deleting history and traveling with him. That's just plain insulting to you, as a man AND as her long term boyfriend.

My spiny sense is also telling me she's NOT traveling with her "gay" friend, she's traveling with her EX. All indicators point to that. And since she's been proven to be a liar, there is no reason to believe otherwise.

JMO but if me I would not bother confronting her about any of this. Simply leave them to it, wish her well and walk.

I see nothing good or positive here.

Again, I'm truly sorry.

Hey Cat - Appreciate this. I really appreciate you taking the time to help a stranger. I know I'm dealing with a terrible case of oneitis here and I can't break it. I've been reading / watching a lot of material and I understanding it all but I'm still not able to walk away. And it boils down to putting myself in a situation where I have no options and the all too common from what it seems scarcity mindset. I have low confidence when I should have high.

I agree with you on all this. The ex and this trip. When I caught her going to dinner with the ex I explicitly told her it was unacceptable to me for someone I'm with to maintain contact with exes and people they've slept with. She usually gaslights me and has all kinds of excuses - you weren't divorced yet ( I had a long and protracted divorce and custody battle with my ex wife ).

When we discussed the Bahamas trip her response was " We weren't together - did you expect me to stay home and be miserable? I needed to go on with my life and live it" . Very telling that 2 weeks after we break up she does this.

I've come to th realization that this woman I'm dealing with is my problem. Listening to Rick Coopers Unplugged Alpha where he lays out 20 red flags, I count 8 SOLID ones and 2 partial ones. Thats a lot and then we have all her actions here laid out. It's quite funny because she has confided to me in the past that her parents, whose marriage was a wreck, her mother was continually online seeking out other men. Her dad was an alcoholic and was present but absent. Mother has serious untreated psychological problems.

All the writing is on the wall I'm just to damn oblivious to it all. Fear of being alone. Fear of not having a companion. Fear of not having a lover I enjoy. Having to deal with the dating marketplace - I've basically been out of it for almost 20 years.

I've spent too much time worrying about it. Stressing. Reading and watching videos. It has affected my sleep.

 

[Free_Agent]

You just said you have almost unlimited freedom outside when you have your kids


and yet you can't cultivate new women?

Brother, you are clearly being lazy and have scarcity mentality. It isn't that you can't cultivate new women. It's just that you're too used to receiving easy pu$$y, and you don't want to face the challenge of going out there and getting rejected, even though in the long run that will give you much better prospects than your current woman. If she respected you, she wouldn't have been keeping in contact with her ex or go travelling without you. I very much recommend you read the DJ Bible, The Rational Male, and The Unplugged Alpha. The last one is the easiest of them all to read.

Regarding your current case, I suggest you calmly explain to her that this trip is a breach of your boundary and you are not ok with it. My money is on that she won't comply or she will reluctantly comply for the time-being, but sooner or later she will fall back to her old ways. So meanwhile you better work on your game, go approach women, and install dating apps.

Thanks for the advice. I really appreciate it.

If you read some of my other quotes you'll see where i'm at. I also wanted to say thanks for the recommendation of Unplugged Alpha - Been listening to it and it's a great read. Just did the chapter of 20 red flags.

I'm leaning towards what you suggest and see what she does.

 

[Free_Agent]

Thanks everyone for the help. I need to work on myself quite a bit. I'm in sad shape when I should't be. I've never been like this in my life.

I guess these are my options....

1. Like Cyrus mentioned - Explain to her that this trip is a breach of my boundary and I'm are not ok with it. Leave it at that and see what she does. If she goes I can decide to tell her have a nice life or mentally detach and continue sleeping with her while I cultivate new prospects. I'd like to maintain at least a sexual partner while I improve but I know that it may be damn near impossible given my personal issues here. Basically plate her and see if she accepts it.

2. Just openly tell her that the relationship will not work out and wish her the best. This is the best option given myself and the improvements I need to make coupled with the person I'm dealing with.

I know 2 is what I probably should do for my mental sanity but I know I'll probably wind up doing 1 due to what I said there.

Thanks everyone

 

[ThisIsSparta]

Thanks everyone for the help. I need to work on myself quite a bit. I'm in sad shape when I should't be. I've never been like this in my life.

I guess these are my options....

1. Like Cyrus mentioned - Explain to her that this trip is a breach of my boundary and I'm are not ok with it. Leave it at that and see what she does. If she goes I can decide to tell her have a nice life or mentally detach and continue sleeping with her while I cultivate new prospects. I'd like to maintain at least a sexual partner while I improve but I know that it may be damn near impossible given my personal issues here. Basically plate her and see if she accepts it.

2. Just openly tell her that the relationship will not work out and wish her the best. This is the best option given myself and the improvements I need to make coupled with the person I'm dealing with.

I know 2 is what I probably should do for my mental sanity but I know I'll probably wind up doing 1 due to what I said there.

Thanks everyone

Keep in mind that option 1 will potentially open up a whole new set of issues for you.

If you tell her not to leave and not offer any immediate(!) consequenzes she will lose (even more?) respect for you.

Also, you will openly have to settle with being a cuck. You know, she knows, "gay" friend knows and god knows who else.

If you dont have a clear cut, this will eat up your soul.