The Psychology of Ignoring Women

[We_ArE_VeNOM]

Anyway, when I saw him on line at the market, I immediately found him attractive but had he chose to ignore me, nothing would have happened. We would have gone separate ways and that's that.

Exactly. Some women just simply REFUSES to approach a guy, regardless of her attraction level towards him.

My wife told me that had I not approached her that night, that nothing would have ever transpired between us, because she sure as hell wasn't about to approach me...despite her high attraction to me.

But since her choosing signals was so strong, why would I not approach her?

No need to ignore when you are getting choosing signals.

 

[BeExcellent]

Think of push/pull in the context of sexual tension. Think of it like a string between a man and a woman. For maximum attraction the string must be taunt. If both people approach each other the tension is removed, if one person drops their end the tension is removed.

In marriage or a LTR the string is much shorter because the people are going to have much greater proximity, and this proximity creates familiarity and comfort. But you still cannot drop the string or collapse toward one another or all sexual tension is removed and you get a dead bedroom or a best friends situation. Boring.

This is why some level of intrigue is required to keep familiar relationships hot sexually. If your wife quit keeping up her looks? Not only does her attractiveness to you drop but her attractiveness to other men also drops. You worry less about other men paying attention to her. One way women do well to maintain their appeal is by keeping up their appearance. Men can do it by staying in shape & dressing well.

In a marriage or relationship in my opinion it becomes MORE important, not less, to keep up looks as a woman. Why? Because men inherently like “strange” or the idea of the conquest with new women. This never ever entirely goes away. So keeping up looks and figure (I did it through 3 pregnancies & despite being older now) keeps pulling tension on the string as does the knowledge that someone else might find the long term partner sexually appealing. It keeps the relationship on level footing. Push relieves tension, Pull creates tension as long as both people hang on to the string.

It’s the anxiety of wondering about someone’s interest level and the dopamine hit of that object of affection rewarding that desire, the rebuilding of mystery or intrigue in the interaction and the cycle repeats. And it’s by degrees of course. Every interaction has its own tension & rhythm. Some are the toxic love bombing/toxic fighting cycle, some are much less extreme and thereby more stable.

My fiancé finds me very sexually attractive. He knows that so too do many other men. He wonders what I do all day (when I am not calling him or interacting with him)….last night he came home 2 hours earlier than normal from the office without calling me first as is his normal habit. Kinda to check on me. The night before we went out for taco Tuesday and ran into a VERY handsome man randomly who is an acquaintance of mine, never anything more…but the guy is one of the serious playboys I know socially….my man kept asking if we had ever been involved (of course not, don’t be ridiculous)…but it reinforced my SMV. The guy lit up to see me, the pleasantries were exchanged, I introduced my man & the guy & showed off the ring. No biggie.

That interaction however random & brief got my man thinking yesterday that

Gee. I have a hot woman at home, is she running into social things like that when I’m not around? Maybe I’ll show up early & unannounced at home to see what is going on…in other words he is drawn back, pulled back by whatever is spinning around in his head, and I don’t have the issue of him working late all the time. I let the tension in the string build naturally by not being all up in his business all the time.

You need mystery to maintain attraction; you need to be occupying mental real estate in your partners mind. This mindset creates the optimal sexual tension in a long term relationship and it must be the correct balance between boring & toxic.

That balance is produced by self assurance & keeping ones SMV high.

 

[Divorced w 3]

Great question.

Bro, my marriage has a long, turbulent history.

Perhaps soon, I will shed some insight on it so that you guys can be aware of certain things.

But long story short, I will say this; it is because of my marriage (and my wife) that I turned into the Alpha that I am today.

To answer your question; it depends.

I am not out there on the hunt like I once was, because me and her are reconciling after I put my foot down and let her know that, from here on out, I have a zero tolerance policy for bs.

However, when I go out...it is always nice to still get choosing signals...and it HURTS to not be able to pursue.

But that is where self-control and discipline comes in to play.

Although tough, I am managing.

Ok, so you’re here as a divorced guy getting back in the game and you’ve figured it out for all of us and this is in NO WAY a substitute for therapy.

 

[We_ArE_VeNOM]

Ok, so you’re here as a divorced guy getting back in the game and you’ve figured it out for all of us and this is in NO WAY a substitute for therapy.

I have eyes, I see things.

You are entitled to your opinion (as wrong as it may be).

The strategy is what it is...accept it, or reject it.

Either way, I'm gonna continue sticking to what has been working for me.

You do what works for you.

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

He got to bang her though so kudos to him for that I guess.

So did half of the male population of the US. Yuck

What do you call a lock that can be opened by many keys? Worthless

What do you call a key that can open many locks? A master key.

 

[BeExcellent]

Agree.

Esther Perel discusses this in one of her TED talks videos - The Secret to Desire in a Long Term Relationship.

About our need for both security and surprise and how to balance distance and togetherness to create as @BeExcellent quotes above the optimal sexual tension. If a couple doesn't understand this need and balance, their relationship or marriage is gonna dry up.

Hubs and I understand this, we've got it down! It actually comes easy for us, our natures just click and we are always surprising each other in different ways. Never a dull moment in our house! lol

Perhaps for this reason, we will be one of the few who actually make it.

The secret to desire in a long-term relationship

In long-term relationships, we often expect our beloved to be both best friend and erotic partner. But as Esther Perel argues, good and committed sex draws on two conflicting needs: our need for security and our need for surprise. So how do you sustain desire? With wit and eloquence, Perel lets...

www.ted.com

I’ve seen that presentation before and yes, she hits the nail on the head. Her Mating in Captivity material is also quite good & worth viewing or reading.

The truly happy marrieds manage to find that balance and it makes for a rich relationship.

So pleased y’all are doing well!

 

[We_ArE_VeNOM]

I recently read that the reason why Kim Kardashian fell for Pete Davidson was because he ignored her. She was like " WTF, who the hell is he ignoring me!! Me? Doesn't he know who I am"? lol

Pretty much sums up the the entire thread.

Thanks for sharing this, I did not know.

And if it worked on KK, it can work on just about any woman.

Wow.

I know wtf I am talking about.

 

[BillyPilgrim]

As an aside, It kinda goes without saying but if you're dealing with a woman from an app and it's before you met, there's limited applicability in ignoring. You have to pursue and attempt to build some kind of connection in most cases, but you can still make a point to not appear thirsty or gush over her looks.

OP is going to work for any organic or social situation where you come in contact in-person first.

 

[BillyPilgrim]

It was successful practice to me.

All I know is, I implemented a plan and got the desired results.

I had a plan going in, and the plan paid dividends.

If you do not believe the plan is sufficient, then we will have to agree/disagree.

*shrugs*

Because not only did it work for me, I live it.



Yeah, you missed my other postings on the thread.

I clearly stated that based on the circumstances (every circumstance is different), I opted not to pursue.

When you are a man of options, you get to turn down puzzy...because sometimes, it may not be worth it.

The point is, the plan worked enough to let me know, that the plan worked.

Second, it isn't necessarily all about sex or dates. Like I said in my cold signals thread, sometimes, just the thought or feeling of a woman pursuing you or seeking you out...can be enough validation for a man.

Or, are women the only ones that can get validated or sought after?

No, not over here.

I also have value and I am the prize.

Either recognize the G in me and seek me out, or I am ignoring you until you do.

I will be good, regardless...because I am still getting mines.



Different strokes for different folks.



Good for them.



That is funny. Do you see what just happened here??

You just said "most men do not register on my radar screen".

But when I advise men to not have certain women on their radar screen, it is a problem??

Hmm.

If it is good for you, then it should be good for me (men).



If this doesn't apply to you, then it doesn't apply.

All I know is, it worked for me.

Lol, have you tried ignoring beexcellent?

 

[We_ArE_VeNOM]

Lol, have you tried ignoring beexcellent?

I did...and you saw it drew her to me, didn't you?

 

[LTG71]

Agree.

Esther Perel discusses this in one of her TED talks videos - The Secret to Desire in a Long Term Relationship.

About our need for both security and surprise and how to balance distance and togetherness to create as @BeExcellent quotes above the optimal sexual tension. If a couple doesn't understand this need and balance, their relationship or marriage is gonna dry up.

Hubs and I understand this, we've got it down! It actually comes easy for us, our natures just click and we are always surprising each other in different ways. Never a dull moment in our house! lol

Perhaps for this reason, we will be one of the few who actually make it.

The secret to desire in a long-term relationship

In long-term relationships, we often expect our beloved to be both best friend and erotic partner. But as Esther Perel argues, good and committed sex draws on two conflicting needs: our need for security and our need for surprise. So how do you sustain desire? With wit and eloquence, Perel lets...

www.ted.com

All of this “ignoring” only works if the other person has some level of interest. Ignoring the beautiful girl that didn’t even notice you in the first place is laughable. There requires some level of familiarity for this interaction to work. The OP worked with these women so the opportunity was there. Ignoring strangers seems ridiculous to me. They are strangers, what am I gaining by ignoring them? There is no connection to apply this game.

We all have a certain level of narcissism and someone not chasing us triggers curiosity. Someone mentioned Kim Kardashian being ignored by Pete Davidson. She wanted the guy who didn’t want her, LOL. Such a fvcked up world we live in. They hooked up and shortly moved on. Seems very shallow and egotistical. Once she had him, the desire fizzled.

Esther Perel has some great observations but they are painfully hard to apply after your wife reaches menopause and has retired her desire for intimacy. I never imagined I’d be living in such a frigid existence when I said my vows. There needs to be some level of scarcity for this desire to remain. The number of pandemic divorces is a good reflection of this desire dynamic as ppl got tired of being trapped with their partners. Separation is actually a good thing.

 

[Gamisch]

If you're looking at the thread from a helicopter view you'll see these conclusion so far :
To gain attraction:
A-Ignoring women does work
B-Ignoring woman does NOT work
C-Ignoring women only works when she is attracted to you.
(I would like to add a 4th possible conclusion
D- She didn't even knew she liked you


As usual, the truth is somewhere in the middle. Let's turn everything around for once:
Scenario-
You go to the gym and there is this hot tight woman. You see her for the first time. She has earbuds in and she is doing her thing. You might say hi she says hi back. You dont chase every woman you ever see even though you would blow her back out giving the change, so you just go about your way and focus on your work out.

This goes on for a few weeks. Until one day she suddenly starts talking to you. She also loves (whatever activity/hobby) ,and thus you suggest to do that together and exchange numbers and go from there.

In this scenario, would you think SHE is a creep? Or write her off because the first day she didn't immediately jumped on your D?

Ofcourse not! In fact, you might be pleasantly surprised she finally acknowledged you and unconsciously she might've went UP in value. Now, tbh it's a slippery slope to compare men and women using the exact same scenario , but you get the picture I guess.

 

[Gamisch]

If you're looking at the thread from a helicopter view you'll see these conclusion so far :
To gain attraction:
A-Ignoring women does work
B-Ignoring woman does NOT work
C-Ignoring women only works when she is attracted to you.
(I would like to add a 4th possible conclusion
D- She didn't even knew she liked you


As usual, the truth is somewhere in the middle. Let's turn everything around for once:
Scenario-
You go to the gym and there is this hot tight woman. You see her for the first time. She has earbuds in and she is doing her thing. You might say hi she says hi back. You dont chase every woman you ever see even though you would blow her back out giving the change, so you just go about your way and focus on your work out.

This goes on for a few weeks. Until one day she suddenly starts talking to you. She also loves (whatever activity/hobby) ,and thus you suggest to do that together and exchange numbers and go from there.

In this scenario, would you think SHE is a creep? Or write her off because the first day she didn't immediately jumped on your D?

Ofcourse not! In fact, you might be pleasantly surprised she finally acknowledged you and unconsciously she might've went UP in value. Now, tbh it's a slippery slope to compare men and women using the exact same scenario , but you get the picture I guess.

This is how a (desirable) woman will play the game. She wont show her cards right away, even when she might be interested. She has options, so she can play it according to her own desired tempo. She is not desperate for you.You might be "just another dude" to her. Women are MASTERS at ignoring desire, what actually makes them go UP in the eyes of many men. Think about the mythical aura that surrounds a vrigin.


So why cant this be the other way around?

As others mentioned before, this is all closely related to no contact. And the family branch goes further: no contact, ignoring, push pull, aloofness, abundance mindset, its ALL related. Also approach, small talk , flirting belong to this family. All are elements that must be used with proper timing, like boxing techniques in a actual fight.

 

[We_ArE_VeNOM]

All of this “ignoring” only works if the other person has some level of interest.

And by ignoring her, the truth will reveal itself as to whether or not there is some level of interest.

Ignoring the beautiful girl that didn’t even notice you in the first place is laughable.

Ignoring a "beautiful" girl is where the method will probably work the best.

There requires some level of familiarity for this interaction to work. The OP worked with these women so the opportunity was there. Ignoring strangers seems ridiculous to me. They are strangers, what am I gaining by ignoring them? There is no connection to apply this game.

You know, sometimes I wonder whether or not you guys are reading the ENTIRE post, or do most of you guys have some serious reading comprehension issues.

Because if you read the OP, I am clearly not talking about ignoring complete strangers.

Or was that part not clear?

Obviously, ignoring a stranger that you will probably NEVER come into contact with again wont work, because the strategy DEPENDS on you having frequent contact with them in order for them to feel the effect of you ignoring them.

Obviously.

Cmon now, people.

Stay with me here.

 

[pipeman84]

Talking about ignoring women, I suggest ignoring Esther Perel
She's an apologist for cheaters, wrote a book 'The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity' ... as far as I'm concerned any man who stays with a woman who cheated on him is an uber beta...why would any self respecting guy listen to a word this woman says is beyond me.

 

[ManlyMan]

This advice is certainly better than being needy and has some merit and is effective. Generally a good mindset and technique. But I am a biggerfan of "You miss a 100 percent of the shots you don't take". So I would just shoot. I am a big fan of being non outcome independent and there are too many women in this world to worry about what one does. I feel this is a very not needy mindset as well and works to your benefit in much the same way. There are many ways to pickup women. And they all work.

 

[BeExcellent]

You can keep intimacy hot through and beyond menopause. Just saying.

If a man doesn’t have the gonads to shoot his shot? He’s never going to be able to lead an interaction.

The first filter I always apply after the do I think he’s sexy filter is whether or not he takes initiative. If he doesn’t he’s either not interested in me or he’s some variety of timid or intimated, which means HE thinks I’m out of his league on some level, which means he’s going to pedestalize etc and that will all get really old really fast.

If he’s not interested? So what. Secure self assured women choose from the men who choose (approach) them. Why waste time otherwise.

I like chill guys that can relate human to human. Yeah we’re hot. So what. Interacting with another person day in & day out takes much more than that.

I do agree the ignore strategy is better than the pester strategy. Lots of men pester, and that’s just plain annoying.

 

[We_ArE_VeNOM]

If a man doesn’t have the gonads to shoot his shot? He’s never going to be able to lead an interaction.

Alphas lead.

The first filter I always apply after the do I think he’s sexy filter is whether or not he takes initiative. If he doesn’t he’s either not interested in me or he’s some variety of timid or intimated, which means HE thinks I’m out of his league on some level, which means he’s going to pedestalize etc and that will all get really old really fast.

Some men are afraid to approach women and suffer from approach anxiety.

If he’s not interested? So what.

Same thing applies to men.

If she's not interested? So what.

Secure self assured women choose from the men who choose (approach) them. Why waste time otherwise.

I approach with little time wasted.

 

[BeExcellent]

Alphas lead.



Some men are afraid to approach women and suffer from approach anxiety.



Same thing applies to men.

If she's not interested? So what.



I approach with little time wasted.

Yes. Including your wife who said if you had not approached she would not have spoken to you. This is feminine and receptive, how women suited to dominant men are best suited.

So you have just refuted your own theory. You are espousing ignore, yet you approach.

Frankly you as a man are supposed to approach. Approach anxiety men need not apply where self assured women are concerned. I don’t have time to coddle a guy who is a big fat fraidy cat. How is that guy going to make me feel safe. He’s probably scared of spiders too and that’s just not good enough for a high self esteem woman…

https://www.google.com/search?q=namby+pamby+drill+sageant&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-us&client=safari#fpstate=ive&vld=cid:2189029e,vid:fa3ReOF0OoA

So really you don’t even follow your own advice OP. Anybody else see the irony here?

Now. I do think it’s a useful discussion to have because many men really are THAT clueless. But those men have lots of internal chiseling to do before the SMP is going to reward them.

 

[We_ArE_VeNOM]

Lol, I think that's precisely the point. Why ignore? Why not talk to her, engage her,

Because..there is a certain situational awareness that one must have...

Workplace environments: Suppose you are a guy that most women do not find attractive or high value?

Lets say Steve is a guy that women do not find attractive or high value.

And at Steve's workplace, there are 3 women that he works with/around, of whom he finds attractive.

So, Steve frequents this forum, and he sees your advice about talking to the women, and engaging her.

So what does he do?

He takes your advice, and engages the women.

So, suppose at work Steve asks girl 1 out for a date, and she politely declines.

After X amount of time, Steve asks girl 2 out for a date. She politely declines.

Lastly, Steve asks girl 3 out for a date, and she also polite declines.

Do you know what will happen?

Girl 1: Oh girl, let me tell you what happened. Do you know Steve from shipping?

Girl 2: Yeah I know him, what about him?

Girl 1: He asked me out for a date the other day.

Girl 2: What? He asked me out too.

Girl 3 (happened to be nearby): He asked me, too!!!

And from that point, there will may be a negative stigma towards Steve from those women, and also from whichever other women/people that they tell the story to.

That is why I mentioned in my Choosing Signals/Experiences threads, that I always analyzed the situation and found out which method will work best for each women.

------------

Now, that being said...suppose this is not a workplace situation?

Why would you ignore the woman that works out at the gym, or the librarian at the library that you frequent and see them?

Another analogy, lets say there is a library that Steve frequents 3 or 4 days out of the week, and there is a librarian who works there of whom Steve finds attractive.

Steve cold approaches her (although it can be considered a warm approach, since she isn't a complete stranger to him, but still).

He approaches her, and after small talk he asks her for her number with the possibility of a date.

The librarian declines.

Now, whether Steve or the librarian likes it or not, there will be a case of awkwardness every time they see each other when Steve visits the library.

And the same thing applies to the gym or any other arbitrary place that the rejection would have taken place.

HOWEVER, if Steve in both situations had implemented the ignoring method, he would have been about to DRAW out which women (if any) liked him...thus alleviating himself any awkwardness or stigma that comes with the potential rejections.

Remember, we are basing the ignoring method on one premise..

1. If she is attracted to you, she will give you signs that she is.

And by ignoring her, it will draw out those signs.