Anxiety in a relationship

[Designer Man]

I've been in a relationship for around 18 months and it's had its ups and certainly had its downs. I've debated leaving, we've fell out numerous times but we work it out. Something happened a couple of months ago and I was racked with anxiety whilst she was out having a few drinks. I woke up the next morning and had a really bad urge to check her phone. I shouldn't have done it because it shows I don't trust her and that I have doubts but my heart was racing and I just acted in the moment. I looked at messages to her friend and seen something from a couple of weeks prior that I didn't like. Basically she was asking her mate for coke. Seeing it hurt me, I'm anti drug and i always thought she was. It was never something I thought she would do as she doesn't go out that often and is usually home before midnight when she does. I confronted her about it and she was shocked, she then said "how do you know it was for me?" I said of course it was, it's right there. She said she was asked by someone she knew to try and get it for them but she wouldn't tell me who this person was. Ever since, I've always thought back to times she was out with this friend and wondered if she was taking it when in her company. I don't know the signs as I've never took it so I don't know what to look out for. I've been very anxious since this happened and every time she mentions about going out I feel horrible inside. I just couldn't believe she would do this to me. She knows my feelings and she has said I have nothing to worry about and she would never do anything to hurt me and in all honesty she doesn't go out drinking that much at all. I'm struggling because it's on my mind every day and I struggle to sleep. She lives a healthy lifestyle and looks after herself but the thought is always in my head. I don't want her to be around this friend and she has said herself she doesn't like going out with her. I'm trying my best to believe she would never do it again but it's always going to be in my mind.

My question is, how do I control my anxiety when situations of her going out arises? She's going to go on nights out with friends and I can't be sat here racking my brains. My answer is to go out myself and try to forget about it and spend time with my friends. My mind can be my worst nightmare and it's only started happening since I found out what she done.

 

[EyeBRollin]

The answer: do not commit to girls that “go out” drinking.

Men, you have to screen better. Most girls in the west are not LTR material. She did not just recently pick up this habit of going out drinking; it’s what she does. OP’s anxiety is justified. A kept woman is supposed to make her man feel peace, not cause him anxiety.

OP, next time she goes out drinking, end the relationship as she’s walking out the door:

“Sweetheart if you go out drinking we are no longer in a relationship.”

“I’m going anyway.”

“Cool.” (Go no contact)

 

[Designer Man]

The answer: do not commit to girls that “go out” drinking.

Men, you have to screen better. Most girls in the west are not LTR material. She did not just recently pick up this habit of going out drinking; it’s what she does. OP’s anxiety is justified. A kept woman is supposed to make her feel peace, not cause anxiety.

I appreciate your reply. When we got together she portrayed an image of being into fitness like me and we clicked on that basis. She wasn't going out that much and was only now and again. She would have a few drinks and come home after a few hours, nothing major. It was only a few months back when she came home at 5am and she said she fell asleep at the friend's who I don't like. I was trying to call her at 1, 2am but she ignored me. This is the night I think she was using.

 

[EyeBRollin]

She would have a few drinks and come home after a few hours, nothing major.

Dude, that is major. Women that have “a few drinks” is a red flag on its own.

 

[EyeOnThePrize]

I've been in a relationship for around 18 months and it's had its ups and certainly had its downs. I've debated leaving, we've fell out numerous times but we work it out. Something happened a couple of months ago and I was racked with anxiety whilst she was out having a few drinks. I woke up the next morning and had a really bad urge to check her phone. I shouldn't have done it because it shows I don't trust her and that I have doubts but my heart was racing and I just acted in the moment. I looked at messages to her friend and seen something from a couple of weeks prior that I didn't like. Basically she was asking her mate for coke. Seeing it hurt me, I'm anti drug and i always thought she was. It was never something I thought she would do as she doesn't go out that often and is usually home before midnight when she does. I confronted her about it and she was shocked, she then said "how do you know it was for me?" I said of course it was, it's right there. She said she was asked by someone she knew to try and get it for them but she wouldn't tell me who this person was. Ever since, I've always thought back to times she was out with this friend and wondered if she was taking it when in her company. I don't know the signs as I've never took it so I don't know what to look out for. I've been very anxious since this happened and every time she mentions about going out I feel horrible inside. I just couldn't believe she would do this to me. She knows my feelings and she has said I have nothing to worry about and she would never do anything to hurt me and in all honesty she doesn't go out drinking that much at all. I'm struggling because it's on my mind every day and I struggle to sleep. She lives a healthy lifestyle and looks after herself but the thought is always in my head. I don't want her to be around this friend and she has said herself she doesn't like going out with her. I'm trying my best to believe she would never do it again but it's always going to be in my mind.

My question is, how do I control my anxiety when situations of her going out arises? She's going to go on nights out with friends and I can't be sat here racking my brains. My answer is to go out myself and try to forget about it and spend time with my friends. My mind can be my worst nightmare and it's only started happening since I found out what she done.

Your instincts are leaning in the right direction regarding going out and having your own fun.

You can't control what she does, so simply give her enough rope and see if she hangs herself. By this i mean focus on leveling up your inner game. Workout, network, make new friends, try new things, grow. Use this anxiety with her as a barometer for your success. The less important her mistakes are to you, the more you've grown. Eventually you will start to feel that you've outgrown her, and will naturally start looking for better prospects with the confidence that you're a catch, rather than worrying and complaining to someone that isn't interested.

What usually happens during this time of inner game focus is your girl will see that you're prepping for a jump back out into the sexual marketplace at any moment, and will get her own shiit together to keep you. This is just the first test in keeping you.

The second test is how she tries to keep you. Does she guilt trip you? Ignore you? Yell? Or does she invite you to events? Start blowing you all the time? Start being your hype woman?

This is the natural filtering process high value men use, it's a no brainer to a man focused on his goals. You continue a positive trajectory in your personal life, and if she can't keep up, that's not really your problem unless she is incredibly sweet, devout, and you can see she's doing her best. And even then you may still outgrow her and choose someone else or the single life.

The anxious mind is born from scarcity and is rooted in lack. Focus on what is in your direct control, namely your body, mental health, and reserve of skills. Hone yourself and your compatible other will make herself known. It may be this woman, it may be another, it makes little difference in the end.

 

[Kotaix]

I guarantee that if you allow this to continue then your relationship will crash and burn, not just this one, any of them where this becomes an issue. Either you trust her, or you get out and find someone who you think you can trust.

Anxiety = insecurity and is a total turn-off to women. I suggest you learn to control it.

 

[Designer Man]

Your instincts are leaning in the right direction regarding going out and having your own fun.

You can't control what she does, so simply give her enough rope and see if she hangs herself. By this i mean focus on leveling up your inner game. Workout, network, make new friends, try new things, grow. Use this anxiety with her as a barometer for your success. The less important her mistakes are to you, the more you've grown. Eventually you will start to feel that you've outgrown her, and will naturally start looking for better prospects with the confidence that you're a catch, rather than worrying and complaining to someone that isn't interested.

What usually happens during this time of inner game focus is your girl will see that you're prepping for a jump back out into the sexual marketplace at any moment, and will get her own shiit together to keep you. This is just the first test in keeping you.

The second test is how she tries to keep you. Does she guilt trip you? Ignore you? Yell? Or does she invite you to events? Start blowing you all the time? Start being your hype woman?

This is the natural filtering process high value men use, it's a no brainer to a man focused on his goals. You continue a positive trajectory in your personal life, and if she can't keep up, that's not really your problem unless she is incredibly sweet, devout, and you can see she's doing her best. And even then you may still outgrow her and choose someone else or the single life.

The anxious mind is born from scarcity and is rooted in lack. Focus on what is in your direct control, namely your body, mental health, and reserve of skills. Hone yourself and your compatible other will make herself known. It may be this woman, it may be another, it makes little difference in the end.

You're completely right and she will choose her own path as she is in control of her destiny as I am with mine. I've made the first step in leaving, I've got a friend who is willing to rent me his spare room until I can find a place of my own. Having that power and knowing I am going to walk away will cause her more problems than it will me.

 

[Designer Man]

I guarantee that if you allow this to continue then your relationship will crash and burn, not just this one, any of them where this becomes an issue. Either you trust her, or you get out and find someone who you think you can trust.

Anxiety = insecurity and is a total turn-off to women. I suggest you learn to control it.

Yes spot on. I've tried to open up to her about my anxiety and how I'm feeling and she is simply not interested. She is concerned with how she is feeling and her own misery. If we carry on this will always happen. I'm going to walk away calm, I'm going to wish her well in the most genuine way possible and once I close that door behind me I am not going to enter into conversation with her again. No matter what she says, once I walk I'm gone forever. I'm not wasting time running backwards.

 

[EyeBRollin]

Yes spot on. I've tried to open up to her about my anxiety and how I'm feeling and she is simply not interested. She is concerned with how she is feeling and her own misery.

That’s how they are. Women do not care about your feelings; they care about your utility. Never forget it. The second you become useless her shot clock begins to find a more suitable replacement.

 

[Kotaix]

That’s how they are. Women do not care about your feelings; they care about your utility. Never forget it. The second you become useless her shot clock begins to find a more suitable replacement.

Women think it's hot when men do manly things, even if they're a staunch feminist. There is such a thing as forearm porn for women. "When a guy rolls up his sleeves, sh!t is getting done!" is a direct quote.

If you don't like the bolded statement above, or you b!tch about it, you assume female energy and you lose.

Yes spot on. I've tried to open up to her about my anxiety and how I'm feeling and she is simply not interested. She is concerned with how she is feeling and her own misery. If we carry on this will always happen. I'm going to walk away calm, I'm going to wish her well in the most genuine way possible and once I close that door behind me I am not going to enter into conversation with her again. No matter what she says, once I walk I'm gone forever. I'm not wasting time running backwards.

You need to realize that this isn't necessarily solving anything, nor is it you growing.

She either is or isn't trustworthy. And this isn't a matter of opinion, reality doesn't care about your opinion. IF she was telling you the truth, and that coke wasn't for her, then you walking away is a self-own.

 

[Dr.Suave]

This relationship is over. Time to monkey branch to a younger and hotter girl.

 

[EyeBRollin]

somehow I get the feeling that whatever you're doing is right and whatever you're not doing is wrong...

I don’t understand. What do you mean?

 

[EyeBRollin]

you're defining the ideal based on the woman you married. Any deviation is somehow the wrong thing to do, including virtually universal ones like having a few drinks once in a while. There are a lot of people that define good and bad this way: self-referential.

That is a fair point. However, I do think most guys actually prefer for LTR a woman that doesn’t “go out drinking” with her friends. A lot of men “accept” this behavior now only because of scarcity. It is directly causing the OP anxiety that his woman is out drinking with people other than him. This is a natural concern in my opinion.

 

[MtmVaott]

Yes spot on. I've tried to open up to her about my anxiety and how I'm feeling and she is simply not interested. She is concerned with how she is feeling and her own misery. If we carry on this will always happen. I'm going to walk away calm, I'm going to wish her well in the most genuine way possible and once I close that door behind me I am not going to enter into conversation with her again. No matter what she says, once I walk I'm gone forever. I'm not wasting time running backwards.

Of course she isn't open to it, she is not your mother. Talk to a male friend or friends as long as you figured out what is really going on.
She is a woman, she already knows what she feels. You should go in the conversation with her with everything figured out, so she isn't 10 steps ahead of you.
Also you say you are anxious. So what do you not want to happen?

 

[EyeOnThePrize]

That is a fair point. However, I do think most guys actually prefer for LTR a woman that doesn’t “go out drinking” with her friends. A lot of men “accept” this behavior now only because of scarcity. It is directly causing the OP anxiety that his woman is out drinking with people other than him. This is a natural concern in my opinion.

I disagree, healthy couples have no problem with this. I have no issue with women I'm seeing going out and having drinks without me, that doesn't mean I'm coming from scarcity.

In fact I'd argue the opposite, that worrying about whatever happens to her while she's out is the scarcity mentality. I want her to be happy, if that means she goes out and ends up meeting the love of her life so be it, I'll encourage her to go after what she wants. In the meantime I trust she will make the right decisions to keep me happy and the relationship healthy, just like she trusts me to do the same. That trust is foundational to a stable and happy partnership.

Paranoia is overcome with self confidence, which is cultivated by having a rich personal life.

 

[EyeBRollin]

I disagree, healthy couples have no problem with this. I have no issue with women I'm seeing going out and having drinks without me, that doesn't mean I'm coming from scarcity.

In fact I'd argue the opposite, that worrying about whatever happens to her while she's out is the scarcity mentality.

To be clear - you think it’s healthy or ideal for a wife or long term serious girlfriend to go out drinking?

I think this can go two ways - a group of long time girlfriends who are all in healthy committed relationships going out to a nice dinner for a birthday is not the same as your wife / girlfriend going out to a bar or “girls trip” with single girlfriends.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Sounds like you two aren't really a good fit and you are staying together out of convenience more than her being someone you plan on being with long-term.

Is this someone you really want to be with for the next 5 years? If not then why are you with her right now?

 

[EyeOnThePrize]

To be clear - you think it’s healthy or ideal for a wife or long term serious girlfriend to go out drinking?

I think this can go two ways - a group of long time girlfriends who are all in healthy committed relationships going out to a nice dinner for a birthday is not the same as your wife / girlfriend going out to a bar or “girls trip” with single girlfriends.

If it's something my wife does responsibly and it doesn't interfere with our relationship or even enhances it, why would I have an issue with it?

Whether her friends are single or not is telling of who she likes, but there's tons of other variables and it's not a deal breaker on its own by any means. If she's coming home at 4am she'd better not wake me unless it's with a blowwjob.

If she can rage until 4am and still meet my relationship expectations, then more power to her. If anything that would inspire me to push harder and start going out with her or my own group, lol

 

[EyeBRollin]

Whether her friends are single or not is telling of who she likes, but there's tons of other variables and it's not a deal breaker on its own by any means. If she's coming home at 4am she'd better not wake me unless it's with a blowwjob.

If she can rage until 4am and still meet my relationship expectations, then more power to her. If anything that would inspire me to push harder and start going out with her or my own group, lol

You are a better man than me. If my woman were out drinking until 4 am with a bunch of single women her shvt would be packed in suitcases by the time she got back.

 

[Designer Man]

There has to be trust and I have no issue with her going out with friends. She went away for a few days in the summer and I enjoyed having time on my own just chilling and getting to train late if I wanted. There was never any doubt. The doubt came when she stayed out and was ignoring my texts and calls. She literally said she was only going out for a few hours, it was a Sunday and she had work the next day.

What adds to my anxiety, is these girls she associates with have issues. She tells me that they are people she does not want to be around, they bring trouble and drama to their own lives and one of them is ADD with a drug problem. So my natural reaction is to worry and wonder what the hell is going on at the time they're out and whether my gf is influenced. The text messages in the phone tells me she lied to me. She was not honest with me about the messages and kept things from me. If the coke texts were innocent, why not just tell me if we are to be in this clear and trustful relationship?

My gf's argument is, "my friends can do what they want, it doesn't mean I'm going to, I make my own choices and I'm 40 years old, I know what I'm doing." She is completely right, she is entitled to her own choice and to choose who she hangs out with. Personally, I would rather she hung out with friends who had morals and respect for themselves. She will ultimately choose her own destiny and that will be through no influence of mine. If she wants me and wants to choose a life with me then she knows what to do. If she chooses the other, that's the path she goes down and her life will change.

She hasn't been out with this group of girls for a couple of months. We've just found out one of her married friends was cheating with a friend of her husband. My gf is outraged as she hates cheating and I think she's cut her off.