jamesfromhouston
Senior Don Juan
Hey gents.
Had this great epiphany on Monday night when I was just done f'cking a plate of mine that I had been quickly developing oneitis for.
As we laid there in her bed, I was experiencing serious post-nut clarity. I mean I had just f'cked her and I've been really wanting to f'ck her badly. But the deed was done. And I realised that as much as I had been pedestalising her in my head, she is really not as great as I had imagined. In a way, that pedestal version of her was a version that she could never really live up to. I then start to think back to our night; I realised that I did not enjoy her company as much as I thought I would. I was actively trying to extend her 'olive branches' in the interaction so that she could at least resemble that pedestal version of her so that there wasn't cognitive dissonance for me. But all in all she was actually very much an entitled b!tch and I had just been playing ignorant to the red flags of her behaviour.
This got me thinking about all the oneitis-es I've experienced in my life. And after a hard think, I've realised these truths:
Anyway those are just some of my thoughts, maybe its nothing new, but I thought I'd share it.
Feel free to add your thoughts/realisations too.
-James
Had this great epiphany on Monday night when I was just done f'cking a plate of mine that I had been quickly developing oneitis for.
As we laid there in her bed, I was experiencing serious post-nut clarity. I mean I had just f'cked her and I've been really wanting to f'ck her badly. But the deed was done. And I realised that as much as I had been pedestalising her in my head, she is really not as great as I had imagined. In a way, that pedestal version of her was a version that she could never really live up to. I then start to think back to our night; I realised that I did not enjoy her company as much as I thought I would. I was actively trying to extend her 'olive branches' in the interaction so that she could at least resemble that pedestal version of her so that there wasn't cognitive dissonance for me. But all in all she was actually very much an entitled b!tch and I had just been playing ignorant to the red flags of her behaviour.
This got me thinking about all the oneitis-es I've experienced in my life. And after a hard think, I've realised these truths:
- Oneitis is self-induced. Sounds obvious. But it wasn't to me. For most of these girls, there was truly nothing special about them. They did not objectively exude a special aura (aka 'oneitis') or have an inherent special quality to them. Often times especially in retrospect after being destroyed by oneitis, I realise that any feeling of specialty ultimately came from me. Objectively speaking, if someone were to look at our interaction/relationship; they might conclude that the girl is pretty ordinary. The feeling of 'love' that I felt was me interpreting the ordinary girl in a very extraordinary way. She was never the goddess, I turned her into the goddess. And ultimately, after the end of things, I realised it has always been me.
- Oneitis is self-perpetuating and festers without intervention. Oneitis has always creeped up on me. It starts with subtle and silent moves. I never notice it immediately because its gradual but often times its also very inviting and makes me feel really good. It feels good to think you have met that special someone and it feels good to be in that state. But slowly but surely, that feeling starts to consume me and before you know it, it comes in waves and torrents. I start to delude myself and intepret the girl to fit the special character that she has become; every little thing feeds into the flame and before I know it I am faced with this giant monstrosity; a full fledged beast that I must fight but at this point, it has grown in strength; it has festered long enough and it is at the point, I often tell myself in regret, I should have nipped this in the bud much earlier in the beginning stages, I should not have let myself go.
- The truth is inevitably more boring than fiction. None of the girls that I've developed oneitis for ultimately matched the caricature that I have created for them in my head. The pedestal version of them is truly just that, a pedestal version of them. In reality, they are usually far from being that perfect 'goddess' that I had in my mind. Often times for me, it was not immediately clear, when under its influence, my mind will unconsciously and desperately find things about her to build the facade of how special she is. Again, maybe it does this to avoid cognitive dissonance. But usually in hindsight, I realise that the girls were never as special as they really were in person. For example, if I told myself she was the hottest girl I've ever met, after experiencing the breakup/end/after sex, I realise she was ok, she wasn't the hottest. Or if I told myself only she got me on an emotional level of connection, then after I realised, most of them when we were talking, she didn't seem to get what I was saying. Or she has all these special qualities that made her that special snowflake that I will never meet again, then much later, I meet my next oneitis that is proven wrong.
- Oneitis leads to blindness. This probably goes to the heart of SS and RP teachings but when it happens, oneitis consumes me so much that I stop to see the red flags about the girl. With an ordinary plate, I will be rational minded and analyse the girl to see whether she fits the bill. But when oneitis develops, suddenly, I am no longer acting rationally, I start acting emotionally and neglect all the signs that the girl is bad news. This usually ends up diminishing me because I put myself at such great risk from all the red flags and warnings that are actually there. An example of this was this super sexy college girl I saw that was in art school; she super horny all the time, feminine and just full of youthful energy. I grew to really really fall for her and developed serious oneitis. I focused on the qualities I really liked about her and started to really obsess over them that I started to see less and less, all the bad qualities about her, the immaturity, the validation wh0re she was, the unstable life she led and the disrespectful nature she possessed.
- Oneitis is mostly about not getting what I want. Its about control. For me, one of the roots of oneitis and what really fuels its growth when I have it for people is 'control'. I realised many of the girls that I've developed oneitis for, tend to be girls that put me on the edge because they seem to not behave in the way I'd like them to behave and certainly in the way I expect. As an analogy, it'd be a wild horse. I want to tame that horse and make it fall under my command and yet I neglect how that may not be possible due to their nature. I start to invest time, mental energy and resources to make it happen; all the while backward rationalising how amazing they really are. Ultimately the battle is one of me trying to 'control' life and its more chaotic forces and its really about me neglecting rather than accepting some of the inherent chaoses of life.
- Oneitis leads to loss of frame/loss of power; maybe even loss of masculinity. Once oneitis truly develops for me, it starts to go down hill. Without being fully aware of it at the beginning, I start to lose myself. I treat her differently and cater to her at my disadvantage. I start to give in to her. I start to accept intrusions and violations on her part. All because I have told myself she is special. Gradually it snowballs more and more until I am often left wondering the man I have become. I become a shell of a person that I was yesterday. This leads me to the conclusion ultimately that oneitis is definitely and inevitably a horrible thing. What is the point of 'oneitis' when you are ultimately going to be f'cked by it at the end. And it makes me question why I accepted its development and not fought it when it is ultimately so destructive to me as a man.
- The test of oneitis is an eternal test and it will present itself again. Here's the greatest kicker for me. Every time I think I have learnt my lesson. I think I will never develop oneitis again, but yet time and time again. Oneitis raises its ugly head, again sneakily at first. And before I know it, I am at that crossroad again, do I accept it or do I fight it. And you would think, for sure, you will fight it or reject it but when that test appears again, it is often as challenging as it was the first time it happened. Because ultimately, oneitis is a self-test, a test about you; whether you want to get complacent in life or continue forward to see how tenacious and self sufficient you can be as a man and that is an eternal test.
Anyway those are just some of my thoughts, maybe its nothing new, but I thought I'd share it.
Feel free to add your thoughts/realisations too.
-James
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