Why so negative?

[Stephen89]

My father has and he is 65.

If I'm paying for everything, in England, £209 per week he is living comfortably because he pays for nothing. He doesn't even touch it. Yet complains so much about money. It hurts my head.

He has:

-Two major bank account savings
-Two private pensions coming in at £139, he will get government pension in July
-I give him £70 every week, totalling his weekly income to £200/£209

-He has has his mortgage paid off
-He has assets, resources
-In the last decade, he had 3, thousands of compensation payments

-He doesn't pay for petrol, car tax or food
_________

-He will get government pension
-My weekly contributions

-I will give half towards bills
______

I do chores, I do this, that, chase this that, take him places, look after him, give him companionship.

-------

He has two successful uni educated children, cars.

Since Jan 2020 until now he has been complaining and arguing. I've cleaned and chucked most of my stuff in the bedroom away.

He just complains and complains about money, paying bills when his electricity-gas bill is every 3 months, water bill every 6 months, tv licence every 6 months.

He has recently spent on a new bathroom and kitchen all totalled £5k.

Hang on a moment, he has £200 coming in every week and I pay half of the bills when it comes, why should he just complain every day?

He just complains about bills when money is put away for it.
------

An uncle I get on well with says to my father why doesn't he watch TV, go for a walk, go in the garden.

----

Now my sis is getting married, I told him thousands of times I'm approaching, doing this and that and going abroad

AND yet he says nothing to the relatives and community who then take the mick, take digs on me. Why not say the truth?

He doesn't say I'm working in office when they ask for my job and moreover I'm earning second income

So they too lie and belittle say I work in a factory.

Yet with with everything, everything catered for, his two children there for him, successful, he can live in peace, he is saying give all my money which he spent back to him and as I written, very negative and giving power away. In England he had child benefit money too for the first 18 years of my life every week.

I said I'm approaching and going abroad for women yet he says nothing.

Every father in his generation had to be a factory worker. He has everything, he says no money but he has a bit and I pay.

I don't understand this incredible negative behaviour.

 

[AureliusMaximus]

Bitter because life did not turn out as he imagined probably?

 

[Stephen89]

He doesn't listen.

I helped him so many times in past, took him to clinic, specialist.

He complains so much about money. He says never helped.

I said I'd get the police if anything happens. I've got proof against them and 40 times in a row he says where is proof.

Again he doesn't listen.

I said I'm meeting women and relatives, community with agenda will influence, manipulate him to get me married off to someone not satisfactory.

It's puts both of us in a powerless situation.

He says anything or maybe confidential stuff to family.

 

[Bigpapa]

My father has and he is 65.

If I'm paying for everything, in England, £209 per week he is living comfortably because he pays for nothing. He doesn't even touch it. Yet complains so much about money. It hurts my head.

He has:

-Two major bank account savings
-Two private pensions coming in at £139, he will get government pension in July
-I give him £70 every week, totalling his weekly income to £200/£209

-He has has his mortgage paid off
-He has assets, resources
-In the last decade, he had 3, thousands of compensation payments

-He doesn't pay for petrol, car tax or food
_________

-He will get government pension
-My weekly contributions

-I will give half towards bills
______

I do chores, I do this, that, chase this that, take him places, look after him, give him companionship.

-------

He has two successful uni educated children, cars.

Since Jan 2020 until now he has been complaining and arguing. I've cleaned and chucked most of my stuff in the bedroom away.

He just complains and complains about money, paying bills when his electricity-gas bill is every 3 months, water bill every 6 months, tv licence every 6 months.

He has recently spent on a new bathroom and kitchen all totalled £5k.

Hang on a moment, he has £200 coming in every week and I pay half of the bills when it comes, why should he just complain every day?

He just complains about bills when money is put away for it.
------

An uncle I get on well with says to my father why doesn't he watch TV, go for a walk, go in the garden.

----

Now my sis is getting married, I told him thousands of times I'm approaching, doing this and that and going abroad

AND yet he says nothing to the relatives and community who then take the mick, take digs on me. Why not say the truth?

He doesn't say I'm working in office when they ask for my job and moreover I'm earning second income

So they too lie and belittle say I work in a factory.

Yet with with everything, everything catered for, his two children there for him, successful, he can live in peace, he is saying give all my money which he spent back to him and as I written, very negative and giving power away. In England he had child benefit money too for the first 18 years of my life every week.

I said I'm approaching and going abroad for women yet he says nothing.

Every father in his generation had to be a factory worker. He has everything, he says no money but he has a bit and I pay.

I don't understand this incredible negative behaviour.

you have to be emphatic . Being 65 years old , single and having little to nothing to do and having an income of 800 pounds per month is not really something to be joyful about

you should learn from where you father made the mistakes and try to have a better life when you will end up in his place

 

[Stephen89]

you have to be emphatic . Being 65 years old , single and having little to nothing to do and having an income of 800 pounds per month is not really something to be joyful about

you should learn from where you father made the mistakes and try to have a better life when you will end up in his place

I do. I try my best. He doesn't want to live in peace. This complain, brutal behaviour has been happening for 2.5 years.

But he says everyone will blame him and do stuff to him.

He says he worries, I said I'm meeting women, I'm not worried.

He argued hard about paying bill when I've already put money to one side for next bill in June.

He will force me into things now.

He keeps saying he will be blamed for everything and people will do stuff.

He only cares about his reputation which is way way over the top.

 

[Bigpapa]

I do. I try my best. He doesn't want to live in peace. This complain, brutal behaviour has been happening for 2.5 years.

But he says everyone will blame him and do stuff to him.

He says he worries, I said I'm meeting women, I'm not worried.

He argued hard about paying bill when I've already put money to one side for next bill in June.

He will force me into things now.

He keeps saying he will be blamed for everything and people will do stuff.

He only cares about his reputation which is way way over the top.

move alone mate . Things will not change until you do not do it

 

[Stephen89]

move alone mate . Things will not change until you do not do it

Thank you. I am almost sacrificing for him..its very hard.

On the flip side I had speech problems for more than a decade and I've been lonely too.

I've got a good track record and I'm saving him. He is just literally a mindset of an animal.

He is spending his savings on keeping up a good image and for his pride.

He too should have compassion for me instead this extreme brutal, wrong ful egotistical behaviour. He doesn't listen.

 

[Bigpapa]

Thank you. I am almost sacrificing for him..its very hard.

On the flip side I had speech problems for more than a decade and I've been lonely too.

I've got a good track record and I'm saving him. He is just literally a mindset of an animal.

He is spending his savings on keeping up a good image and for his pride.

He too should have compassion for me instead this extreme brutal, wrong ful egotistical behaviour. He doesn't listen.

feel you man , but you also have to understand one thing : only people that want to be helped can be helped , otherwise you will not be able to help them no matter how much you want to do so

i also understand quite well your pain as my problem has quite serious mental problems and initially I was like you , only to realize later that I can not help him anymore without seriously harming myself

 

[Stephen89]

feel you man , but you also have to understand one thing : only people that want to be helped can be helped , otherwise you will not be able to help them no matter how much you want to do so

i also understand quite well your pain as my problem has quite serious mental problems and initially I was like you , only to realize later that I can not help him anymore without seriously harming myself

Thank you for your suggestions and insights my friend.

 

[Black Widow Void]

His behavior actually isn’t too uncommon for people as the age.

Here’s the psychology… In his younger days he was in control, people depended on him, looked up to him etc… And now, the roles to which he was accustomed are no longer there. Not only that, but the world that he knew has changed.

It’s my belief that when people behave as he has, the underlying factor is a struggle for a time that has gone by.

This isn’t to say that his behavior is excusable, but understanding the reasoning, might offer you a better peace of mind.

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

Agree with @Black Widow Void on this one. Your dad is mad and bitter because he has lost personal power in this world.

That is his problem. His attitude is also his problem and you cannot change it.

Quit giving away your personal power to him. You are not required to fund his life at the expense of your life, joy and happiness.

You are giving away your own personal power. Stop it.

Read that again. And again.

You see nobody is holding a gun to your head requiring you to give him money or help him. But you are allowing him to disrespect you, berate you and complain to you. This is negative vomit and you are taking it.

Stop. Step back & respect yourself. If you want to get better behavior out of him you must stop allowing him to treat you like crap. Hang out if he can be pleasant. The minute he starts complaining or running you down?

Gee dad. Gotta run get some stuff done. See ya later.

Then. You. Leave.

He will learn through his loneliness to knock it off after you consistently do that. Your actions teach him how to treat you. Right now you are allowing crap behavior. Stop it. Ignore the guilt trips (his power trips). He didn’t set his life up. That’s on him. He’s only 65 and should be relatively able to do for himself. Let him. You cannot sacrifice yourself on the altar of his decisions.

Respect yourself. Stop helping unless you truly have the extra to contribute. Live your own life else you end up just like him.

I know that’s tough to hear. It’s truth.

If you don’t respect you he never will.

 

[Stephen89]

Thank you very much for your suggestions and insights @Black Widow Void @BeExcellent

 

[zekko]

Sounds like there could be a deeper issue at play, like Black Widow Void says. Getting old is not for the faint of heart.
Also, some people simply don't know how to be happy. Do you know, or know someone who would know, if he was like this when he was younger, too? If not, when about did he start developing this attitude?

 

[Stephen89]

Thanks all for your responses.

I've been busy with my siblings wedding.

This attitude started in Jan 2020. He really has nothing, even nothing financially to worry about. I understand the loneliness and fear of maybe going out.

 

[Stephen89]

Also he keeps complaining about money, he gets far far more than the usual pension, my £70 a week and also I pay half for the bills.

He's hardly in a bad position. What's he complaining about, it's embarrassing he is just randomly talking to people in the supermarket about food prices..

It's a very poor attitude, the other guys will be saying what's he complaining about when tour son does everything for you, even finances and they may not even have any support.

I told him I'm approaching women, this and that and he just doesn't listen.

 

[Stephen89]

He still complains, good track record he goes what if out job.

He says buy gift for cousins wedding. He wants to please them and trust them despite? WTH!

He doesn't listen to my second income.

He gifts the power away. He's got everything and everything catered for and more.

I'll keep my distance now.

2.5 years of this, it was brutal for some time.