Got Married After Following My Own Advice

[Bokanovsky]

I agree that path number #1 That I mentioned would have been more ideal than the path #2 that I took. But otherwise I’m in no way settling. We will have to agree to disagree on that.

Let's talk turkey.

You are settling in EVERY way imaginable. A woman who is not just past her prime but waaaaay past her prime? Check. Is older than you? Check. Has a long history of making poor life choices? Check. A party girl who took an extra decade to get the partying out of her system? Yikes. A woman who you previously dumped for "being a disrespectful cvnt"?? A woman with kids and financial problems??? This...is the woman you decided to marry?

Short of a convicted felon, it's had to imagine a woman who is a worse marriage prospect. The only logical explanation for being with someone like that (let alone marrying her) is a complete and utter lack of other options. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but that's how I see it.

 

[DonJuanjr]

And I have shyt tested the crap out of her to make sure she’s matured from the way she used to be .

Care to elaborate?

 

[logicallefty]

Let's talk turkey.

You are settling in EVERY way imaginable. A woman who is not just past her prime but waaaaay past her prime? Check. Is older than you? Check. Has a long history of making poor life choices? Check. A party girl who took an extra decade to get the partying out of her system? Yikes. A woman who you previously dumped for "being a disrespectful cvnt"?? A woman with kids and financial problems??? This...is the woman you decided to marry?

Short of a convicted felon, it's had to imagine a woman who is a worse marriage prospect. The only logical explanation for being with someone like that (let alone marrying her) is a complete and utter lack of other options. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but that's how I see it.

Thanks for the comment. We will have to agree to disagree on the settling part. Far from it.

 

[DEEZEDBRAH]

Women 28-32 aren’t mature enough to be along term partner. Good to fvck and have for a FWB but that’s it. This might be hard to understand but trust me when you get into your 40s it will make more sense.

Always pursue younger. I can't fathom older. It's like shopping for cars at a junk yard. Sure. You can but why?

I agree with you on pursuing and acquiring her best years. Not when the milk goes bad.

 

[bat soup]

Let's talk turkey.

In Turkey people get married by the age of 21 and their parents have to approve.

 

[SW15]

The FIRST age path I have talked about would be to get with a woman when she is in her teens or early 20s, and build attraction and respect that borders on her being scared of you. If that is strong enough, then you have a chance at making through her crazy 30s when the risk if her cheating or divorcing you is highest, IMO.

The SECOND age path I have talked about, the one I used, is to wait until a woman is past 40 and has all of her CC riding and crazy 30s shyt behind her.

Interesting framework on two paths. I’m in my late 30s and have seen people get married following both paths. Based on my age and social circle, I’ve seen more of the first age path you describe than the second. I’ve also seen marriages occur when the man met the woman while she was between 25-39. I think the path where the man meets a 25-39 year old woman, then marries her, is the most common, especially when a man meets a 25-34 year old woman.

The elephant in the room is that this is not the ideal situation and you are settling, probably forced to by life circumstances (including the overall state of the dating market) at some level. I'm not judging at all because the older I get the more obvious this becomes in my personal situation as well. I am just saying this for the benefit of the forum. I regret squandering my best years on work and education in that regard, but then again I'm not certain settling down early would have made me happy either.

Most men between 33-50 are vagina beggars who end up settling for a woman near their own age. We know that women initiate most divorces. Non-marital breakups are about equally likely to be initiated by either a woman or a man.

https://www.asanet.org/sites/default/files/savvy/documents/press/pdfs/AM_2015_Rosenfeld_News_Release_FINAL.pdf

The typical man now between 33-50 is scouring swipe apps looking for vagina, which gives women an advantage. The typical 37 year old male on a swipe app only gets matches from women 33-37. It’s difficult to get a big age gap difference on a swipe app because women get more of what they want to it. If a guy wants more than a 5 year age difference after age 33, he’s better off doing real world approaching.

Even in real world approaching, attracting someone 5+ years younger and then retaining them long enough for an extended relationship is challenging too.

There are not a lot of 40 year old men who only arrange dates from real world approaching with girlfriends under 30.

Women 28-32 aren’t mature enough to be along term partner. Good to fvck and have for a FWB but that’s it.

I disagree. I think you can get an extended, committed relationship out of one (2-5 years). That’s more than a fucck and FWB.

It is a depressing situation overall between women and men. Especially all of the millions of men who do not understand how dangerous women are in their 30s. And the psychology behind why they are. As men we are all here to try and learn from each other and make the best of it.

To me, the most dangerous thing about starting a relationship with a woman 30-39 is her raging biological clock. Dating her won’t be as fun as dating a woman who is 20-27.

Now, there are certain beta males who probably would have an easier time dating a 35 year old childless woman (assuming she’s not fat) than a 25 year old childless woman. A 35 year old childless woman might give a boring, provider type with a decent white collar job a longer look and might give him some vag as compared to the 25 year old.

It’s not exactly that she is too old for it but more so that she has it out of her system. At 49 my wife could still go ride around if she wanted to. Wouldn’t have as many options as she had before but believe me she would still have plenty. Every woman has an inner slvt.

The wall is softer than we think it is. Plenty of women between 45-52 are able to have a lot of sex with multiple partners. This is mainly achieved using swipe apps and dating websites.

Guys who marry women before their 30s but don’t have a rocksolid frame and attraction built are the ones who get divorced or cheated on. Or both. The 30s is the danger zone. I don’t think there is any way it could be more risky to a man than being lawfully married to a woman in her 30s. IMO 30s women are the really dangerous heavy hitters for cheating, divorcing, and ruining men’s lives.

The more I think about it, the more this makes sense to me.

My wife is 49 and I am 48. She's 5'6, 130lbs. Blonde. Looks maybe 35. Kids are grown. I've known her since high school, since 1991. And known her ex husband longer than that. He’s told me some stuff he went through with her. And I have shyt tested the crap out of her to make sure she’s matured from the way she used to be .

This situation wouldn’t be applicable to a lot of men. This is a social circle meeting. This is not a cold approach meeting. This is not a swipe app/dating website meeting. A large percentage of men in their 30s and 40s don’t live in the same city that they lived in while in high school.

 

[logicallefty]

Care to elaborate?

Sure.

-When we dated in the past: we could go out to a bar, and she would end up talking to nearly every other dude in the room while I sat there and watched. A few times I actually left the bar and it took her 20 minutes to notice I was gone.
-In the present: I made sure this was as thing in the past. She talks to other people but her focus is always on me. I get up and walk away now, she follows me no matter what or asks me immediately where I'm going. I've even tested her a little bit by going outside while she was in the bathroom. She is immediately texting me when she comes out wondering where I'm at.

-When we dated in the past: I mentioned that in theory, if I was to ever get married again, I would not share a bank account with my spouse. In the past she got furious about that, and she even at one point said "Why get married if you aren't going to share accounts"
-In the present: Before we got married we talked about this again and she said she prefers it this way.

-When we dated in the past: I also talked about beneficiaries in the past and she said "Your wife should be taken care of if you die".
-In the Present: She said my daughter should come first.

-When we dated in the past: She would call me every 20 minutes if I was out with my friends or doing anything that didn't involve her. If I didn't answer she would get all pizzy. I would say "Don't call, text". But to try to show her dominance, she would call anyway..
-In the Present: She texts. If I don't answer, she doesn't care. If it's urgent, she tells me in a TEXT what it's about, she doesn't try calling and let the phone ring 50 times until I answer, as she used to do.

Like I said in my original post, after I dumped her before it sent her life down a very bad path. She tried to give the whole "I'm the alpha queen and a gift to every man" thing one last try, and life severely kicked her azz. People can change. Especially after trauma/crisis. There seems to be a lot of people on this site who thinks that if a person does something once, that's how they will always be. Before my life trauma/crisis in 2012 I used to drink 9 x beers on a weeknight and up to 20 on Saturday. By the way some people on this site think, I'm a life long alcoholic, because I did it before. Even though it's been YEARS since I drank 20 beers in a sitting. Life happens. People change. That's been my whole logic around marrying her. I've known her a long time. I saw her go through several phases of life from high school to being married to a guy I know before me, to dating me ten years ago and being a completely typical 30s female, to now. Now where I think she has matured and finally figured out how to be a good human being and partner to a man. Figured it out, and, learned her boundaries of how NOT to be.

 

[SW15]

-When we dated in the past: She would call me every 20 minutes if I was out with my friends or doing anything that didn't involve her. If I didn't answer she would get all pizzy. I would say "Don't call, text". But to try to show her dominance, she would call anyway..
-In the Present: She texts. If I don't answer, she doesn't care. If it's urgent, she tells me in a TEXT what it's about, she doesn't try calling and let the phone ring 50 times until I answer, as she used to do.

I dislike that a lot of communication has transfered from voice to text based messaging. I would rather have more voice conversations than text-based conversations.

In the last 12 years or so, people have gotten lazy and gutless. They can't handle voice conversation.

I would like to have more conversations with both my male friends and with girlfriends. I've seen way too many people from both sexes who are phone conversation averse and I do not like it.

In @logicallefty's situation, that woman was calling too much. It might be a generational thing. I'm in early Millennial and have been dealing with women mainly born in the mid to late 1980s. There's never been a time where women born in the mid to late 1980s would ever call with that level of frequency.

To me, the most dangerous thing about starting a relationship with a woman 30-39 is her raging biological clock. Dating her won’t be as fun as dating a woman who is 20-27.

Childless women in their 30s who don't want kids have the potential to be decent dating options. The problem with the childless women in their 30s who don't want kids is that there are a lot of cat women in that group. If she's in her 30s, childless, petless, and doesn't want kids, that could be good. Finding a woman who meets that description is often quite difficult.

 

[logicallefty]

I dislike that a lot of communication has transfered from voice to text based messaging. I would rather have more voice conversations than text-based conversations.

In the last 12 years or so, people have gotten lazy and gutless. They can't handle voice conversation.

I would like to have more conversations with both my male friends and with girlfriends. I've seen way too many people from both sexes who are phone conversation averse and I do not like it.

In @logicallefty's situation, that woman was calling too much. It might be a generational thing. I'm in early Millennial and have been dealing with women mainly born in the mid to late 1980s. There's never been a time where women born in the mid to late 1980s would ever call with that level of frequency.



Childless women in their 30s who don't want kids have the potential to be decent dating options. The problem with the childless women in their 30s who don't want kids is that there are a lot of cat women in that group. If she's in her 30s, childless, petless, and doesn't want kids, that could be good. Finding a woman who meets that description is often quite difficult.

I'm not a millennial, I'm gen-X, but I HIGHLY prefer TEXT 90% of the time. OK, no, 97% of the time.

 

[RickTheToad]

Whatever floats your boat dude. Marrying someone older.. Hmm, I guess if she stays in shape and continues acting like you want, then it could work. Females, in general, age faster than dudes. I've dated and was in an LTR with older, never worked out. However, maybe you found the needle in the haystack.

 

[RickTheToad]

They can be. But so can men, to be fair. I´d say you have to be very sure about a woman before you get married. You should be with someone for at least 5 years and intend to stay with them forever before even considering it. And in the USA, you need a prenup.

Prenup should be required for any marriage these days... Goes to saying, anything the government gets their hands in they fvck up... They've fvcked up the institution of marriage very handsomely; and the scum sucking lawyers love it.

 

[SW15]

I'm not a millennial, I'm gen-X, but I HIGHLY prefer TEXT 90% of the time. OK, no, 97% of the time.

The first 2/3rds of Gen X actually uses phones for calls at times.

I do more texting than I want to do simply because that's the way that my age cohort does things, along with the 1990s born people. I had a tough adjustment in the early 2010s with that. In 2011, I moved to a new city and needed to make new friends and date, since I moved with a blank slate socially.

 

[logicallefty]

The first 2/3rds of Gen X actually uses phones for calls at times.

I do more texting than I want to do simply because that's the way that my age cohort does things, along with the 1990s born people. I had a tough adjustment in the early 2010s with that. In 2011, I moved to a new city and needed to make new friends and date, since I moved with a blank slate socially.

I like texting because I can multitask much easier with a text. There aren't too many minutes of a given day where I'm not working on more than one thing at a time. Talking on the phone is too distracting against what I'm trying to do. I also like texting because of the people in the world who have "selective memory loss". You talk verbally. They say "I never said that" or "I never agreed to do that" and I say "Yes you did, see Exhibit A. It's here in a text from you".. I'm too busy to play the he-said she-said games. You agree to something with me I expect you to do it. Or if we talk about something, I expect you to remember the conversation the same way I did. Texting makes this is a non issue.

 

[SW15]

I like texting because I can multitask much easier with a text. There aren't too many minutes of a given day where I'm not working on more than one thing at a time. Talking on the phone is too distracting against what I'm trying to do. I also like texting because of the people in the world who have "selective memory loss". You talk verbally. They say "I never said that" or "I never agreed to do that" and I say "Yes you did, see Exhibit A. It's here in a text from you".. I'm too busy to play the he-said she-said games. You agree to something with me I expect you to do it. Or if we talk about something, I expect you to remember the conversation the same way I did. Texting makes this is a non issue.

It's the way that the world is moving. See Exhibit A is a good thing. There are advantages with texts.

I really do enjoy having phone conversations with people. In certain things with women, there is an advantage with using the phone vs. using text messages. With women, I like handling logistics and simple stuff via text. More complex matters with an emotional component are often better via the phone. You don't get tonality and other vocal cues via text message.

X'ers had to date in an era before text messages. The earliest Millennials like myself caught the tail end of that but I would say that we could avoid phone communication even in the pre-smartphone era. AOL Instant Messanger was a thing for us before texting got really big.

 

[logicallefty]

Whatever floats your boat dude. Marrying someone older.. Hmm, I guess if she stays in shape and continues acting like you want, then it could work. Females, in general, age faster than dudes. I've dated and was in an LTR with older, never worked out. However, maybe you found the needle in the haystack.

Thanks man. I think she will be fine. She has a joint disorder where if she gets above about 145 lbs her joins hurt like hell and she can't function.. If she stays under 140 she's generally fine. So she will very likely never gain weight. Because when she does its exponentially worse to her, even just a few pounds, than it is for a normal person.

 

[DonJuanjr]

Thanks man. I think she will be fine. She has a joint disorder where if she gets above about 145 lbs her joins hurt like hell and she can't function.. If she stays under 140 she's generally fine. So she will very likely never gain weight. Because when she does its exponentially worse to her, even just a few pounds, than it is for a normal person.

I think @logicallefty found the secret to prevent a ltr prospect from becoming fat.

 

[logicallefty]

I think @logicallefty found the secret to prevent a ltr prospect from becoming fat.

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

Firstly congratulations. Pleased you are happy & doing well.

There are several things that stand out to me in your thread Lefty. The first is the tendency that men often want something solid and stable in the relationship department. Marriage, LTR, live in situation. Something solid with someone who has substance to them. This is a natural human desire & need. Around here often the mantra is “Slay, slay slay” and all the advice about seduction that appropriately derives from there but Ok. Once a man learns to get laid ad nauseum then what? People tend to start seeking something meaningful. And people start recognizing that the endless meaningless hook ups are just that. Full stop.

So a turning point appears. Now what? Meaningfulness becomes more important than endless emptiness. It’s fun to have a person you genuinely dig who you can laugh with, be silly with, have sex with, be supportive of and hang on to in tough times. A life partner who sticks it out no matter what. That’s a big deal. Obviously mileage may vary with women as they age…but let’s face it. Men tend toward beer bellies and balding often enough too. Maturity brings the world and life into more objective focus. We come to know we are not invincible forces of nature anymore and if we are wise we accept this and find the joy in the journey. The meaning that lies there.

I agree with your plan A and plan B scenarios too. Right now I am watching both my 19 year old son and my 17 year old daughter try to walk Path A in their youth. My son is in a 2+ year LTR with his high school sweetheart and they could perhaps marry. She has had a heavy crush on my son since she was 14 or 15 and he is the master of that relationship. She defers and he leads. He is planning on a career as a military officer and she seems “all in” with him. He knows women are capricious. He’s seen me lose my cool before and he gets it. He knows leadership gets no days off. They might have lifelong potential. We shall see.

My daughter is dating her first BF. Like my son’s relationship my daughter and her man seem to have a long term lens. He graduates this next weekend and is moving away for school. He’s a tall lanky drummer with a cool vibe and wants to teach. She’s artsy and also wants to teach. Will their relationship survive long distance next fall? Hard to say. But he is respectful and she defers to him. And that’s saying something as she can be headstrong.

As for me I agree with Lefty about Path B when you’re older. My guy is younger and has had all the bat shjt crazy stripper types he can stomach. He wants sexy but stable. I like that he’s over the whole playboy thing (been there done that got the T/shirt) and is long term minded. We live together too…and the only other man I cohabitated with was my ex-husband/father of my kids.

My guy handles his business as a man and is never placating or pedestalizing me. He takes no crap and expects me to defer and submit (which makes me happy to do.).

One of the biggest life lessons for me along the way as a perennially attractive woman was to learn to select men more closely aligned to my father’s way of being. In other words men who do not tolerate BS, because beautiful women are used to getting away with a lot but in the long run that’s no bueno.

As a man you’ll always have to manage your self and your relationship. Years ago somebody, maybe Danger, maybe Colossus talked about the biggest shjt test of them all…that is being day in and day out in a marriage or LTR. And I think that’s true.

But if you are fortunate you’ll end up with a ride or die woman who is looking after you too.

Congrats and Cheers

 

[EyeBRollin]

The elephant in the room is that this is not the ideal situation and you are settling, probably forced to by life circumstances (including the overall state of the dating market) at some level.

We all have to “settle” for a decent, less than ideal woman. Unicorns don’t exist. They are pure delusion.

 

[EyeBRollin]

You should be with someone for at least 5 years and intend to stay with them forever before even considering it. And in the USA, you need a prenup.

Nonsense. If I have a daughter, I’ll suggest she dumps boyfriends after 1 year of dating with no proposal. Five years is a huge waste of a woman’s fertility window. The women that stay that long either are idiots or already have children.