BeExcellent, what advice would you give your daughters?

[DoubleBarrel]

@BeExcellent,

I don't know if you have any daughters, but if you did or do, what advice would you give them in selecting a man?

When women are young, they usually don't yet have the knowledge to contrast the high from the low value. They can't yet differentiate the alpha from the beta, a lot of the time until they've picked up enough experience through trial and error to make the distinctions. And on top of that, even if they do identify an alpha, he may not be long-term material.

The goal for every woman is to find and keep a Cool Guy; a guy who's masculine and alpha, but is also loyal and isn't an untrustworthy cheating scumbag who's just in it to use them for the sex.

What would you advise young women in their search for a high quality man to form a long-term relationship with?

How can a young woman learn to determine the wheat from the chaff from a young age? What are the signs to look for? And what are the red-flags that should prompt avoidance?

 

[BeExcellent]

By example. That is the short answer. Children astutely observe their parents. That’s how they learn. It’s not what the parent says. It how the parent behaves.

Finishing dinner with a girlfriend. More shortly….

 

[DoubleBarrel]

Looking forward to it! I hope you go very much in detail.

 

[DoubleBarrel]

@BeExcellent - How do you demonstrate to your daughters how it looks to be a feminine lady? That's the question at the top of my mind.

EDIT: My reason for asking is that's the first thing I want to look for in a woman; what kind of example would she model for my daughter. I refuse to sleep with women who haven't passed this test, and I'm hoping you can better educate me in what I should be focusing my attention on.

 

[BeExcellent]

Yes I have daughters. The older one is 17 and the younger one is 13. My daughters live with me and my fiancé (who has never been married to date and has no children of his own.)

My 17 year old daughter who is finishing her junior year in high school has a high school sweetheart (her first boyfriend). He is a well mannered young man who comes from a good family. He is respectful to my fiancé and me. According to my daughter they are not sexually active, but I am well aware that this could change at any time. My daughter is well aware that there are physical and emotional risks with sexual activity and I am open and transparent in my conversations with her. I would consider their interaction as a LTR and they are talking about going to the same area for higher education, he to be a teacher & she a career in the arts. I have discussed with her that things may not work out as they are young, but then again I know a number of married couples who were high school sweethearts who remain together and happy marrieds.

As far as factors influencing good behavior in young women I think it is observation of the parents (ideally the parents are in a solid marriage where love, affection and respect is displayed) as well as the influence of the father figure (or lack thereof) in the family of origin. The father is best if he is a masculine leader of his marriage and family, yet loving and warm to his wife & children. Cold unemotional neglectful parents who are uninterested in their children are also problematic. This type of father often is behind attention seeking behaviors and promiscuity much as an absent altogether father figures.

 

[EyeBRollin]

This is great dialogue. Thank you OP & @BeExcellent

 

[BeExcellent]

Ah. What to look for. You want a young lady who is interested in pleasing you as her man. But you do not want a doormat. You want a woman who respects you and who respects herself.

Here is what I do to model this (and train my daughters)

I demonstrate the following character traits:

1. Listen
2. Patience
3. Kindness
4. Honesty (even if it isn’t what he wants to hear)
5. Trustworthiness
6. Loyalty (whether or not he is present…my daughters have seen other men show interest in me. I always immediately make it clear that I am not available.)
7. Respect
8. A loving nature
9. A sense of humor
10. Self respect (if he is out of line or unreasonable I stand up for myself unequivocally in some cases.)
11. Reliability
12. Forgive

I do the following things:

1. Show sexual desire & interest in my fiancé.
2. Maintain a tidy home and pleasant surroundings.
3. Cook meals
4. Assist him with personal things like travel plans or running errands or making appointments.
5. Contribute financially at times when we go out or travel together.
6. Support his pursuits and interests by attending his events & getting to know people in his sport.
7. Require my girls to be respectful at home (keep rooms clean, do laundry, do dishes, help me cook, keep quiet if it is very early or very late).
8. Require manners, etiquette and good taste at home in both speech and behavior.
9. Encourage open conversation and sharing of ideas and opinions.
10. Defer to him as much as possible; please him.

It is important to me that I set a good example so my girls learn how to function in an adult relationship. I take this responsibility very seriously. They aren’t going to learn it otherwise.

 

[BeExcellent]

I will also say that my fiancé is a “Cool Guy” to use your vernacular. My girls see me as a very capable and independent woman. For that reason it is extremely important that they observe the respect and deference I give my man. They see that he is THE MAN at our house. And he likes that very much. A man should feel like a king in his castle and he should appreciate and treasure his woman as his queen. But for this dynamic to function there must be maturity and mutual respect. Else it cannot work.

This is in short why my marriage failed. Over time I could no longer respect my ex-husband. But he is a good father and a loving father. My girls know they are loved and treasured by their dad. That’s a big deal. But they can see what a solid adult relationship is supposed to look like from what they observe in the home now.

And my fiancé knows the girls have a caring father and that my fiancé is not expected to fill that role. We refer to our household as a tribe rather than a family as a nod to the fact that the girls have a good dad and that my fiancé is not their father but rather my chosen life partner.

My fiancé has met my ex husband a number of times and they get on well. My fiancé adores my college aged son.

All these things factor in especially given that the girls come from divorced parents. It comes to how those divorced parents together raise shared children. I believe my ex husband and I are doing that remarkably well.

 

[BadBoy89]

Yes I have daughters. The older one is 17 and the younger one is 13. My daughters live with me and my fiancé (who has never been married to date and has no children of his own.)

Props to your fiancé, I couldnt live with a woman who was divorced or had kids of her own while I didn’t have any and was never married.

I‘m seeing a woman now, she said ”a man is not a man unless he gets married and has kids.”

 

[BeExcellent]

Props to your fiancé, I couldnt live with a woman who was divorced or had kids of her own while I didn’t have any and was never married.

I‘m seeing a woman now, she said ”a man is not a man unless he gets married and has kids.”

Agreed on the props to my fiancé. He did not expect to marry a woman with children, especially children still in the home.

But he also has said many times that he’s waited 30 years to find a woman like me. So he’s adjusted his stance on the kids thing since it’s a non-negotiable.

Additionally I should make clear that I put my fiancé first. Not my kids. My girls understand this and they understand WHY this is. That is part of the deference that I show my man.

I believe strongly that a married woman should have the following priorities:

1. Lover to her husband
2. Partner/friend to her husband
3. Parent

 

[DoubleBarrel]

@BeExcellent - I want to continue this important discussion. I am going respond when more sober. Please forgive me. Wine is not for kings, as The Proverbs so accurately stated.

 

[BeExcellent]

As far as advice I share with my daughters in choosing a man I advocate for the following:

1. Choose a man for whom you have sexual desire.
2. Choose a man who respects himself and respects you.
3. Choose a man with ambition/plans for his life.
4. Choose a man you enjoy spending time with.
5. Choose a man who is loyal, trustworthy and kind.
6. Choose a man who makes you laugh.
7. Choose a man who looks after his health (this falls under him having self respect but it’s important)
8. Choose a man who appreciates you.
9. Do NOT choose a man with an addiction problem or tendencies (again this falls under him respecting himself). You’ll always come second to that.
10. Real men do not need fixing or rescuing. You want a man not a project.

That’s basically it.

 

[DoubleBarrel]

As far as advice I share with my daughters in choosing a man I advocate for the following:

1. Choose a man for whom you have sexual desire.
2. Choose a man who respects himself and respects you.
3. Choose a man with ambition/plans for his life.
4. Choose a man you enjoy spending time with.
5. Choose a man who is loyal, trustworthy and kind.
6. Choose a man who makes you laugh.
7. Choose a man who looks after his health (this falls under him having self respect but it’s important)
8. Choose a man who appreciates you.
9. Do NOT choose a man with an addiction problem or tendencies (again this falls under him respecting himself). You’ll always come second to that.
10. Real men do not need fixing or rescuing. You want a man not a project.

That’s basically it.

#9, my most glaring fault. I guess I gotta stop with the booze if I want to meet a woman who's going to commit to partnering with me in my mission, huh? But I so love a good beer buzz.

 

[BeExcellent]

Thank you for your kind words @catsmeow. I’m not perfect but I’m genuine and open. I do my level best.

Listen @DoubleBarrel … Addiction is not the same thing as having the occasional good time. It’s Friday night of course. If you regularly over indulge to the point of sloppiness or indiscretion then you might consider evaluating who you are and why you behave in this way because it absolutely will limit the range and quality of choices in picking a woman. I’m a fan of moderation. Except for sex, lol. Unless it’s a sex or porn addiction….Moderation generally is your friend.

My best gal pal was married to an alcoholic. It’s why they divorced. I will not date heavy drinkers, smokers of any sort, men with a cannabis habit or drug habit. I have held that stance for 35 years and it has served me well. I in fact refused to date at all (as in go out on a first date or anything) men who I knew had addiction type habits, pot habits, drug habits. I ended up friends with a couple of otherwise extremely handsome very desirable men who I refused to date for reasons along those lines. And I never explained *why* because it would have felt to them as though I was criticizing or judging their lifestyle. So it wasn’t worth creating upset. I simply left it as I didn’t like them “that way”…and drove on and was cool.

My last LTR was a serious binge drinker. Truly a binge alcoholic. Although I didn’t realize this at the outset of the relationship I continued to see him after coming to understand the situation. It ended badly while he was ridiculously drunk and I left him cold, never to communicate with him further. Never again.

I get to select who I wish to spend time with or become involved with based on my standards, just as we all do. Something like smoking pot might not be a big deal to many women. But it’s a deal breaker for me. No need to judge someone based on my standard…just realize that a guy doesn’t meet my standard & move on. He can find a girl who has different criteria. No need to criticize.

 

[DoubleBarrel]

@BeExcellent - You got me thinking. I want a woman who can nurture my strengths, but isn't at least half of that reality up to me? I smoke cigarettes daily, and I weed every couple weeks, and I drink 2 out of 8 days. She's going to ignore me as long as I continue, huh?

 

[BeExcellent]

@BeExcellent - You got me thinking. I want a woman who can nurture my strengths, but isn't at least half of that reality up to me? I smoke cigarettes daily, and I weed every couple weeks, and I drink 2 out of 8 days. She's going to ignore me as long as I continue, huh?

Depends on the girl. If a girl doesn’t want to date a smoker etc. then those girls aren’t going to be in your selection pool.

 

[DoubleBarrel]

Depends on the girl. If a girl doesn’t want to date a smoker etc. then those girls aren’t going to be in your selection pool.

There was this fine chick at a gas station I used to frequent. As soon as I asked for a pack of smokes, her body language changed from interest to disinterest. It was immediate, and hard to miss.

 

[BeExcellent]

We all make choices based on our value systems. You do, I do, everyone does. I don’t date casually. I’m a relationship chick. As such I always apply a long term filter to men who show interest in me and I have no illusions about habitual behaviors. Last LTR notwithstanding. In that interaction I decided “Oh this will be fun until it goes sideways…” and I got involved with a serious and serial player who also turned out to be a serious binge drinker too. In the end that interaction served to emphasize why my longstanding standards are what they are.

Don’t get involved with people who don’t meet your standard because then you risk becoming emotionally attached to the wrong person and that is disadvantageous for any number of reasons. Most of the men here have stories to back that up…you know the girl with 100 red flags who you got involved with anyways. Those stories never end well.

My fiancé himself was involved for 10 years off and on with a woman who had a drug addiction problem. She was crazy, unstable, great in bed, hot and he spent a decade trying to rescue her from herself and her bad habits. He has been in the music industry in LA and the nightlife, and those girls are a dime a dozen…and they are not relationship worthy.

His life has stabilized in the years since that relationship and he has realized what is truly important to him long term. Chicks like that don’t cut it anymore.

 

[DoubleBarrel]

@BeExcellent - It should be a government's obligation to teach our youths from the experience of those who have tried and erred. I want to see such, and I place my faith in Pook. What a president he'd make, though I fear The Manipulated Man corrupted his ideas of virtue. I'm forever a Pook fanatic, regardless.

 

[BeExcellent]

Pook is good stuff to be sure. His Woman ese always gives me a giggle.

Enjoy your Friday. Gotta cook supper.

Cheers