Overcoming / Dealing with Loneliness

[European-DJ]

I recently cut contact with both of my LTRs simultaneously: my long distance and very long-term LTR and the girl that I have been with and lived with for the past two years.

Having moved far from home, my social circle is limited. I have a few very good friends that I have been very lucky to acquire, but generally I feel lonely and to some degree jealous on my LTRs. At all times they would have 40-45 unread messages on WhatsApp and at least the same amount on messenger and Instagram. I, in the meantime, am not on social media and do not participate in the constant meme sharing and tagging. I would rarely get messages from more than 10 individuals in a day and usually go many days without meeting up with friends as a result of my work (high finance -> long hours).

I am a natural introvert and prefer having few but close friendships, which probably explains why I often find myself committing to relationships, as there is a deeper connection and these individuals end up becoming very close friends as well.

However, more recently, the envy of other people with multiple friends in multiple friend groups is really getting to me. I am extremely envious of their phones always buzzing with someone on the other end wanting to be in contact with them. They ignore most of these people, while I make effort to be there for my friends when they need me.

it’s a strange position to find myself in and likely driven by some deep-rooted insecurities, but I could really use some advise on how other “mature” late 20s / early 30s deal with the feeling of loneliness…

 

[CaptFinnBad]

At 37 I broke up with and came out of a 7 year long term relationship.

After the breakup I moved back to my home country. I found all my old friends had different lives and I had no social circle.

Only think I had was family and my dog (which I brought with me).

I'm quite charming and do okay in social situations but a total introvert.

I'm a little bit of a loner. First thing I did was focus hard on weight lifting. I've trained a long time but the first time in a long time I could make it 100 % my priority.

next step was join a dog club.

So that's basically a place I can socialise a little each and every week. It's reliable, stable and a fun hobby (who doesn't like dog protection sports).

Next step was women. Started online dating. I love women, dating and sex. So that scratched an itch for me.

Next up was fishing. Before I had women in my life it felt lonely AF fishing on my own (something I've always been comfortable with previously ), so I avoided it.

Soon as I was back out dating, I adored being alone fishing again. Although I ended up meeting fishing friends which I sometimes go out with.

Also been focusing on money.



If I'm brutally honest having success with women made life not so feel lonely and I started to feel super happy doing things alone again .

Although I'm in a relationship at the moment, for me I know for a fact I can really easily pick up women without much effort and that knowledge kills all feelings loneliness for me.

I know for a fact I have lots of options regarding women. That makes doing stuff alone a choice for me and not a lonely experience.

 

[MatureDJ]

I presume that this general loneliness, and not much more romantic loneliness. For my first "real job", I moved far away from home - to SoCal. It was definitely a shock to the system, but I helped to get it out my system my doing outdoors activities there that I couldn't do at my old home. Of course, SoCal housing prices were so high that I knew that I would be starting over somewhere else after my 1-year was up, so I couldn't get into the community; I think that nowadays with the internet, I'd be able to tap into that better. Of course, the Surfer/BeachChads mogged the utter sheet out of me, so my idea of frolicking with beach babes was quickly erased. I did consider being a part-time lifeguard, as I had been a pool lifeguard in my teenager years, but since I considered myself as having 1 foot out of the door, I didn't do it. I only got the nerve to TijuanaMax once.

I ended up getting a job in my field in my old home, and that was a big boost, and of course, all my success was due to a combination of being through friends, and as well the fact that white men in my town tend are shorter than in SoCal. Of course, when the combination of being able to take well-paid contract jobs on the road, and the internet-enabled explosion in being able to GeoMax, I again spent a lot of my time away. I think that because I had my permanent home, I could consider myself as being at home, just temporarily on the road. And I haven't looked back since.

 

[Mike32ct]

What about family? Siblings are super helpful if you have them. My brother lives in a different state, but we talk on the phone almost daily.

The next best thing is a childhood friend from your home area. They also know your past and can understand you better. (If you have one you are still in contact with.)

Introverts don’t typically have large circles of friends. It’s nothing to be envious about. It’s just a different style of relating to people.

 

[Modern Man Advice]

I recently cut contact with both of my LTRs simultaneously: my long distance and very long-term LTR and the girl that I have been with and lived with for the past two years.

Having moved far from home, my social circle is limited. I have a few very good friends that I have been very lucky to acquire, but generally I feel lonely and to some degree jealous on my LTRs. At all times they would have 40-45 unread messages on WhatsApp and at least the same amount on messenger and Instagram. I, in the meantime, am not on social media and do not participate in the constant meme sharing and tagging. I would rarely get messages from more than 10 individuals in a day and usually go many days without meeting up with friends as a result of my work (high finance -> long hours).

I am a natural introvert and prefer having few but close friendships, which probably explains why I often find myself committing to relationships, as there is a deeper connection and these individuals end up becoming very close friends as well.

However, more recently, the envy of other people with multiple friends in multiple friend groups is really getting to me. I am extremely envious of their phones always buzzing with someone on the other end wanting to be in contact with them. They ignore most of these people, while I make effort to be there for my friends when they need me.

it’s a strange position to find myself in and likely driven by some deep-rooted insecurities, but I could really use some advise on how other “mature” late 20s / early 30s deal with the feeling of loneliness…

We are exactly in the same boat, however, I do not allow envy or jealousy to overtake my thoughts. Would it be nice to have that type of social life? Hm maybe. But I do know people can drain me. And more importantly, I've learned through traveling and focusing on myself that I really do enjoy my own company.

I think your problem stems from a lack of the latter. You must learn to enjoy your own company and love yourself. Make yourself laugh, take yourself on adventures, etc. You'd be surprised how freeing that is and how actually having people to tend to regularly only steals away from that. People, unfortunately, are temporary. They come and go. You have yourself for the rest of your life.

Hope this helps.


Modern Man Advice

 

[Kotaix]

I recently cut contact with both of my LTRs simultaneously: my long distance and very long-term LTR and the girl that I have been with and lived with for the past two years.

Having moved far from home, my social circle is limited. I have a few very good friends that I have been very lucky to acquire, but generally I feel lonely and to some degree jealous on my LTRs. At all times they would have 40-45 unread messages on WhatsApp and at least the same amount on messenger and Instagram. I, in the meantime, am not on social media and do not participate in the constant meme sharing and tagging. I would rarely get messages from more than 10 individuals in a day and usually go many days without meeting up with friends as a result of my work (high finance -> long hours).

I am a natural introvert and prefer having few but close friendships, which probably explains why I often find myself committing to relationships, as there is a deeper connection and these individuals end up becoming very close friends as well.

However, more recently, the envy of other people with multiple friends in multiple friend groups is really getting to me. I am extremely envious of their phones always buzzing with someone on the other end wanting to be in contact with them. They ignore most of these people, while I make effort to be there for my friends when they need me.

it’s a strange position to find myself in and likely driven by some deep-rooted insecurities, but I could really use some advise on how other “mature” late 20s / early 30s deal with the feeling of loneliness…

I've struggled with this problem myself over time. I've had to forge new friend groups multiple times over my lifetime as I've moved around the world. I'm smack in the middle of being an introvert and an extrovert. Groups of people don't drain me, but large crowds do. And I do like being alone at least part of the time.

It's normal to lose your friends over time, and you're just at the stage where the process starts. It doesn't help that today's "friendships" are all about empty validation via social media, but not actually about hanging out together and having a real friends experience. These empty friendships will have little to no value to you, but this is almost the new normal after COVID.

If you feel like you're missing out then you MUST go out and make new friends and move past this feeling. If you don't, you will push out your existing friends. Sitting around wallowing in your misery will just make you bitter and less fun to be around.

 

[jaymbrs]

I've been going through bouts of loneliness too which is why I find myself reaching out to my ex more times than I should. Even though she's someone I can talk to about just about anything, she's still a nutcase and a bit toxic so it's not good to keep her around.

But I've been down this loneliness road before and what I've realized that has made me appreciate being "alone" is I get to improve on myself. By a lot. Learn to take advantage of it. Tell yourself you're going to give yourself some "me" time and then hit it. Whatever it is you need/want to work on. You'll look back on these days as a good thing.

 

[jimwho]

I think your problem stems from a lack of the latter. You must learn to enjoy your own company and love yourself. Make yourself laugh, take yourself on adventures, etc. You'd be surprised how freeing that is and how actually having people to tend to regularly only steals away from that. People, unfortunately, are temporary. They come and go. You have yourself for the rest of your life.

This ^^^Bravo MMA.. Just moved to the Midwest. I know (nobody). My dingbat sister tells my Daughter she thinks I'm lonely. I work sew fish fix 5 mtn bikes reload dualsport cook clean workout. Without a baby sitter. Watch TV, play on forums, TO THE OP look in the mirror & snap out of it. In due time someone will come along to annoy the sht out of you. Embrace your quality time.

 

[SW15]

This is normal. Almost all men who find themselves single after age 30 will have loneliness issues. Social circles become established couple dominant around age 30 and established couples generally don't want to be around unattached men or men who tend to have shorter relationships (2 years or less).

Forming new social circles that would be capable of arranging dates for you would be time consuming and debatable if even possible after age 30.

The men who do social circle best are men who tend to be geographically fixed. They had the good fortune of their parents not moving between birth and high school graduation and they settled in the same area where they grew up as adults. At most, they went away for 4 years of college.

Men who live in mid-size or bigger cities who didn't grow up there, are unattached in their late 20s or later, and rely primarily upon swipe apps or stranger approaching to find dates are going to deal with periods of loneliness.

 

[2Rocky]

You gotta get comfortable doing stuff solo. Stuff you want to do. No point in waiting for someone to do it with. This was my 30s. I started training for long distance running and met new people along the way. But if I’d have waited for someone to do it with me I’d have never done it. Same goes for epic solo trips. People are drawn to that when you go after what you want. Travel and adventure specifically make fire good stories when you introduce yourself in social situations