Yes, I have the same mindset. That’s why I posted, but I haven’t had that much focus on my past or programming script.
I don’t know how many years I’ve run around in cities doing approaches with massive stress, with the same result more or less, like many other guys. Many give up it seems, settle for the beta life. “Exposure therapy” has this compelling idea that hard work yields results, but in my case it was just hitting my head against the wall.
I thought I’ve fixed much of the past as you refer to, but considering I missed a come-on this night like I usually do, I’ll have a look at this now.
Not all relationships and notches, but this is what I find tainting:
- I had a girlfriend at 17-18.5 or so. It was the classic teenage “first” relationship. She was promiscuous, I was a beta simp, I had just moved from home, she had a depression and divorcing parents. She made out with a friend of mine, I broke up, and this young boy explained it all with that they’re irresponsible teenagers. Was better than it sounds. Generally I feel at peace and past this.
- In the age 22-25 I in a panic manner fell in love with a little Natalie Portman. We dated, I missed at least two several come-ons, later tried to seduce her as simping beta. BPD-ish, it was pretty much a mess, charmed by all this attitude. I was painfully in love, the Disney thingy, and it took years to get passed this. But I am now. I fully understand why she was repelled, and I think I’ve fixed that now.
- Had a relationship/affair at 25 with a delicious milf. She was confident, she saw something alpha-ish in me initially, and emotionally I was more interested in her than her in me. We were dance partners, and seeing her dance with others combined with long nights wore me out. My frame imploded, and I become an unstable puppy. Again, I understand why she ended it, and I think I am a better, stronger man now.
- At 27 I had a mistress in same age. It was good, I was not “in love” so I was aloof, which she of course loved. She felt complete after me, and entered a LTR with some beta provider. I am honoured.
- Massive amounts of gaming/approaches/nigh life with little results.
The question is why I miss come-on/openings, why I at best number close. If I try to condense the above, I would say:
- I haven’t really had that “I have the girl I want and I am happy” and I haven’t played house. Sometimes I get a bit sentimental about this, but no. What concerns me more is being maybe emotionally damaged by never having had that feeling of comfort, safety, rest.
- All the dancing. You have chest contact with someone for ten minutes, then you move on to the next. I’ve been dancing a lot, so you get semi-attached on a period basis and it is stress as described with the milf.
- I think @SW15 wrote that game is draining and can lead to PTSD. I’ve had a lot of night life/game experience (though crappy results), and I have this long stream of women rejecting, rolling their eyes, being pissed, etc., etc. Much of this because of being a crappy gamer, but there is despite that the element of uncertainty. It’s not specific “traumatic” experiences, it’s just a long stream of rejections and failures that I don’t even have specific memories off.
- But. There was a come on when I was 17 that I missed, and I had the same feeling then as I do now. I just looked shamefully in the floor, as if I can't have that. Common theme.
So, with the obvious opening last night and the girl waiting outside gazing me down, I quickly said goodbye and walked away. Wtf. I realised the absurd after twenty meters, but even then I didn’t walk back. The intellectualisation I did leading up was that it will be the usual post-bar tumult with people yelling, confused, etc, and I couldn’t be bothered. Though she had clearly signalled saying “see you later this evening” before that. I find scenario preparation/analysis a good thing, but not if it prevents improvisation.
I have so much emotional control that I barely feel anything, I’m not the kinda guy who gets “enthusiastic” with a girl on the dance floor. I find it hard to bridge the courting with the sex, I don’t “feel” it, I just realise afterwards what it could have led to.
Anyhow, I cannot get closer than this. I’m not emotional about these things, it’s not hard to write this. It’s very inert, like a rock. The stress and anxiety is largely gone during game though, I’m kinda present, I just shy away from the close/lead up to intimacy.
