Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems like the vast majority of people look back fondly at young adulthood (18-30) as the best time of their lives particularly woman-wise. I'm sure the majority of people here spent their young adulthood in a haze of glorious hedonism. Having a wild 20s is the norm for most men and women in the Western world.
A man that slept with 300 women in college may look back and regret not paying more attention in class, or he may look back fondly. The only thing youth provides is some structured events where you have the opportunity to mingle with the opposite sex (classes, extra-curriculum, sports teams, etc), whether you actually do is completely up to you. Once out of school you're simply responsible for setting up those events rather than having them setup for you, the opportunities to mingle will be there forever.
My 20s were spent in a state of anxiety and chronic depression. An almost teenage angst defined those years; I spent countless hours trying to answer existential questions about life that I can't answer. I drank quite a lot and went out regularly with one or two friends but we were beta losers who mostly just played pool, watched soccer, and admired women from afar.
I love contemplating deep existential ideas, feel free to DM me and we can dive down some rabbit holes together. You're aware that you drank a lot, which is valuable feedback, and you surely had good times playing pool and watching football with your friends. Had you chosen to have more friends the relationships may have not been as deep. Had you chosen to chase girls you may have had no friends at all. We can't be multiple places at once, own the path you chose, love who you became and your ability to recognize what you want to change/improve.
I got dumped by text message from my first relationship when I was 21, after over 3 years together, and I immediately became depressed. I felt like I'd lost my only ever shot at One True Love™. Only 2 years later, aged 23, I entered into a toxic relationship with a woman abroad that lasted 9 whole years (I'm now 32). My self-esteem was crippled and I latched on to the next woman that showed interest without caring if I even liked her. That's pretty much all of my youth taken up by relationships in which happiness was not the norm, particularly in the latter case.
Sounds like these were powerful lessons for you and I'm delighted to read how mindful you are of your past missteps. I've also had toxic partners, everyone has, and success is built on a series of failures. The best thing we can do is try something different and use our new wisdom effectively.
I didn't enjoy college at all; I spent 4 lonely years majoring in a subject that I only chose for the potential monetary benefits without considering if I cared about or liked the field. 99% of college students spend 4 years partying, befriending new people, and ****ing with the often end result of a corporate career at which they excel. My experience wasn't like that.
College isn't easy for some subjects. Sure it's a good place to network, but some people are natural autodidacts, find college a complete bore, and drop out. Others graduate with the highest honors. It does set them down different paths, but whether one is better than the other depends on the goal, which is decided entirely by the person going through the motions.
I've never even had roommates. My college campus was close to where I lived, and I come from a quite poor background so I wouldn't have even been able to afford a dorm (I only got into college due to a government grant). The majority of twentysomethings have at least one Friends-esque roommate experience where they live with great people and have fun all the time.
Speaking from experience not having roomies can be a blessing, it again depends largely on what you want. Roomies can cause crazy drama or you might click, it can be such a roll of the dice.
I spent the remainder of my 20s after college frittering around not really achieving anything of note. I drank too much. I tried freelance writing and failed. I started a food blog and it failed. I travelled to and lived abroad, but I was lonely there so my experiences don't count. My days abroad were either spent with my gf (the toxic 9 year relationship) or completely alone.
I was so unhappy and so isolated during those years that I literally feel unique among the world's population in how I squandered that time. I see successful players like Tom Torero killing themselves and I can't help but wonder how I'm still alive. I've slept with 3 women in total and I'm 32...it doesn't get any worse than that.
I guess I'm just reaching out for advice from this community because I don't know where else to turn to.
There is a lot to what you say, and I think everyone and their dog can relate to it. You seem pretty hard on yourself, which is a very powerful quality if you learn to hone it. I can sense you're capable of a lot, but may be bogging yourself down with guilt, unable to accept how much power you have over your life.
You really need to own who you are and how you grew up. Be emotionally accountable for how you feel and accept the past. What you feel is simply feedback and if your life was full of interesting stimuli you'd probably never think about your past or be grateful for it.
You're aware of these regrets, now step back again and ask why these feelings are happening NOW? What is it about your current life that seems unfulfilling? Try something new, something different, reflect again, gauge your feelings, try something new again with that new information. Novelty is the spice of life and will open your mind to the possibilities.
And the main reason people suggest cardio or physical activity is because the pain you subject yourself to will put other problems in perspective. Do you think your regrets will bother you when your body is collapsing from a sprint or big lift? When your muscles are on fire? What you'll be more focused on is getting a burger or taking an ice bath or shower. The pain from presence will temporarily pull you from this rut of self defeat, and over time (if you're consistent) show you how resilient and adaptable you really are.
It's easy to create some negative narrative of the mind and believe it to the point that you identify with it. That's what I sense with you, that you believe a narrative where you don't have the control or power to change your life. Remember that these narratives you tell yourself are imaginary, not reality, they can just as easily be positive. You ultimately decide what has gravity in your mind, the story of the three stone cutters is a powerful example of this.
The important thing is no one can make you do anything or pull you out of any rut you feel you're in. You have to do it, and the first step is believing you can.
And unlike what others have suggusted, I'm a testament to how rich this forum is with wisdom. When I first found SS I ended up reading the entire post history of some users whose writings really resonated with me. Tens of thousands of posts, I read so far back that I began to see the progression of when
they had first come to the forum with their own issues, and who resonated with
them. I ended up making a list of what I considered valuable users and began reading through
all of their post history. By the time I was through only a few users (several thousand more posts) I saw a pattern of principles that became so clear to me that the posts became repetitive; I sensed diminishing returns and moved on to other things. SS has been one of the most profound findings of my life. Welcome, and hopefully you find some value here as well.
