I wasted my youth and I'm struggling to let my regrets go. Any tips or advice?

[Yam_Naem_Kluk]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems like the vast majority of people look back fondly at young adulthood (18-30) as the best time of their lives particularly woman-wise. I'm sure the majority of people here spent their young adulthood in a haze of glorious hedonism. Having a wild 20s is the norm for most men and women in the Western world.

My 20s were spent in a state of anxiety and chronic depression. An almost teenage angst defined those years; I spent countless hours trying to answer existential questions about life that I can't answer. I drank quite a lot and went out regularly with one or two friends but we were beta losers who mostly just played pool, watched soccer, and admired women from afar.

I got dumped by text message from my first relationship when I was 21, after over 3 years together, and I immediately became depressed. I felt like I'd lost my only ever shot at One True Love™. Only 2 years later, aged 23, I entered into a toxic relationship with a woman abroad that lasted 9 whole years (I'm now 32). My self-esteem was crippled and I latched on to the next woman that showed interest without caring if I even liked her. That's pretty much all of my youth taken up by relationships in which happiness was not the norm, particularly in the latter case.

I didn't enjoy college at all; I spent 4 lonely years majoring in a subject that I only chose for the potential monetary benefits without considering if I cared about or liked the field. 99% of college students spend 4 years partying, befriending new people, and ****ing with the often end result of a corporate career at which they excel. My experience wasn't like that.

I've never even had roommates. My college campus was close to where I lived, and I come from a quite poor background so I wouldn't have even been able to afford a dorm (I only got into college due to a government grant). The majority of twentysomethings have at least one Friends-esque roommate experience where they live with great people and have fun all the time.

I spent the remainder of my 20s after college frittering around not really achieving anything of note. I drank too much. I tried freelance writing and failed. I started a food blog and it failed. I travelled to and lived abroad, but I was lonely there so my experiences don't count. My days abroad were either spent with my gf (the toxic 9 year relationship) or completely alone.

I was so unhappy and so isolated during those years that I literally feel unique among the world's population in how I squandered that time. I see successful players like Tom Torero killing themselves and I can't help but wonder how I'm still alive. I've slept with 3 women in total and I'm 32...it doesn't get any worse than that.

I guess I'm just reaching out for advice from this community because I don't know where else to turn to.

 

[lost_blackbird]

Well, I wouldn't hold your breath for any actually useful help here. I've noticed that the answers will all be something like this.

"Read <insert name of self help book> and follow it's teachings"
"Stop caring about what women think/say/do because they are all intrinsically broken in some way."
"Go to the gym and lift stuff and they will be unable to control their desire for you."
"Be a 1/2/3% man and don't be a 90% man."
"Concentrate on your purpose and the women will simply land in your lap"
"Be Alpha™ and definitely don't be Beta"
"Something or other about 'game'...."
"men age like wine women age like milk" etc
oh and my personal favourite " Are you sure you aren't gay?"

 

[characternote]

Maybe Tom Torero (someone who presumably enjoyed a lot of sex with many young women) topping himself should tell you that getting laid isn't quite all it's cracked up to be.

You missed out on less than you think.

We romanticise what we missed out on to some extent, too. You probably imagine that if only you were a bit more social and stuff yuo'd have been banging all of the hot cheerleaders and stuff. But likely you'd have just had some hazy memories of partying with friends and stuff. Fun, but not worth getting depressed over.

I was not in a completely dissimilar situation in my 20's. I'd read guys online talking about how they'd slept with hundreds of women and i'd feel a jealousy that bordered on painful at teh time. I got into 'game' and read all I could and approached a tonne (ps - it's the approaching that gets results. Not the 'theory') and started getting laid a fair bit.

What was interesting is that it didn't take sleeping with many cute girls before I stopped being jealous of people who apparently had a crazy lay count. It really only took about 10 lays before I just was no longer envious of the guy with 500. I assumed i'd need many more to reach that point but I didn't. I used to have this belief that the guy online with an apparent 500 lay count walk up to my super hot crush and get her in bed which, but once I realised this wasn't the case and everyone is playing the same numbers game as me, I stopped caring or being jealous. (plus there's many plain liars and scammers etc when it comes to the seduction community)

I think I read the national average is like 7 sexual partners for men. Stop feeling so inadequate about banging 3 girls.

Happiness comes from other places. We've all wasted time. Some of us more than others. And none of us can get it back. Comparison is the thief of joy.

 

[metalwater]

 

[Yam_Naem_Kluk]

Maybe Tom Torero (someone who presumably enjoyed a lot of sex with many young women) topping himself should tell you that getting laid isn't quite all it's cracked up to be.

You missed out on less than you think.

We romanticise what we missed out on to some extent, too. You probably imagine that if only you were a bit more social and stuff yuo'd have been banging all of the hot cheerleaders and stuff. But likely you'd have just had some hazy memories of partying with friends and stuff. Fun, but not worth getting depressed over.

I was not in a completely dissimilar situation in my 20's. I'd read guys online talking about how they'd slept with hundreds of women and i'd feel a jealousy that bordered on painful at teh time. I got into 'game' and read all I could and approached a tonne (ps - it's the approaching that gets results. Not the 'theory') and started getting laid a fair bit.

What was interesting is that it didn't take sleeping with many cute girls before I stopped being jealous of people who apparently had a crazy lay count. It really only took about 10 lays before I just was no longer envious of the guy with 500. I assumed i'd need many more to reach that point but I didn't. I used to have this belief that the guy online with an apparent 500 lay count walk up to my super hot crush and get her in bed which, but once I realised this wasn't the case and everyone is playing the same numbers game as me, I stopped caring or being jealous. (plus there's many plain liars and scammers etc when it comes to the seduction community)

I think I read the national average is like 7 sexual partners for men. Stop feeling so inadequate about banging 3 girls.

Happiness comes from other places. We've all wasted time. Some of us more than others. And none of us can get it back. Comparison is the thief of joy.

Thanks for your reply man. You alluded to a lot of the thoughts that I've been having lately. Some days I wake up thinking that having some sort of wild stage with women will provide the meaning that my life lacks while helping make up for lost time. Other days, I try to be more rational and realize that, like you mentioned, a crazy lay count won't necessarily make me happy with my life. I definitely think I need to experience it though just so that i can find out for myself, like you did after 10 or so lays, whether the player lifestyle lives up to the hype. But then the worry is that if I've failed to derive meaning from relationships or from getting laid a lot, what's left for me to do?

Even if I wanted to get laid a lot, I struggle to move past these neurotic thoughts about my wasted youth. I know regrets about wasted time are common, even for those who've lived objectively cool lives, but the degree of negativity in my thinking is such that I feel unique on this earth for how badly I ****ed up my youth.

 

[lost_blackbird]

Hah! My youth was an utter car crash. I'm 48, 7 partners lifelong, only shagged 3 of those more than just the once.
Failed in my education, despite having the 'gifts' my autism gave me whether I wanted them or not.
Never had a 'good' job, usually bottom rung labouring, warehouse work or driving, this continues to the present.
Speaking of which, failed marriage has left me living in a city that isn't home to me and will never feel that way,
still working a crap warehouse job in a giant refrigerated warehouse, it's cold, dirty, laborious and highly repetitive
and gives me zero job satisfaction, plus it's a 40 mile round commute so my low wages are compounded by quite
a high fuel bill just so I can attend the place each day. When not at work I'm physically and emotionally so exhausted
that all I do with my down time is clean the house and wash my work clothes, do my grocery shopping, wash the car
occasionally and sit in my kitchen staring at my laptop, no hobbies, no friends, no sex for approaching 3 years, no
dates whatsoever since becoming single despite being on a couple of dating apps during that time. I sit here in my
house (which is the main proceeds of my divorce) alone and just wait and wait until it's time to go back to work so then
at least I have something to do. I see no end to any of this, Asperger's continues to reward me daily with little reminders
that my kind are not welcome anywhere and are perceived as perpetually broken by the majority and do you know what?
It's way easier to just accept that this is my fate than it to unsuccessfully try and blend in with masking the real me the
way I've tried throughout my life. I feel a lot of shame for my developmental disorder and it's gotten to a point where full
blown Anhedonia has set in which has definitely helped turn me into the recluse I have become.

In short, it could be worse. You could be me.

 

[Barrister]

Hah! My youth was an utter car crash. I'm 48, 7 partners lifelong, only shagged 3 of those more than just the once.
Failed in my education, despite having the 'gifts' my autism gave me whether I wanted them or not.
Never had a 'good' job, usually bottom rung labouring, warehouse work or driving, this continues to the present.
Speaking of which, failed marriage has left me living in a city that isn't home to me and will never feel that way,
still working a crap warehouse job in a giant refrigerated warehouse, it's cold, dirty, laborious and highly repetitive
and gives me zero job satisfaction, plus it's a 40 mile round commute so my low wages are compounded by quite
a high fuel bill just so I can attend the place each day. When not at work I'm physically and emotionally so exhausted
that all I do with my down time is clean the house and wash my work clothes, do my grocery shopping, wash the car
occasionally and sit in my kitchen staring at my laptop, no hobbies, no friends, no sex for approaching 3 years, no
dates whatsoever since becoming single despite being on a couple of dating apps during that time. I sit here in my
house (which is the main proceeds of my divorce) alone and just wait and wait until it's time to go back to work so then
at least I have something to do. I see no end to any of this, Asperger's continues to reward me daily with little reminders
that my kind are not welcome anywhere and are perceived as perpetually broken by the majority and do you know what?
It's way easier to just accept that this is my fate than it to unsuccessfully try and blend in with masking the real me the
way I've tried throughout my life. I feel a lot of shame for my developmental disorder and it's gotten to a point where full
blown Anhedonia has set in which has definitely helped turn me into the recluse I have become.

In short, it could be worse. You could be me.

You need professional help. I don’t say that flippantly but sincerely. And don’t try to bring others down just because of the way you feel. Telling a guy that this place is useless and yet you remain here is interesting.

 

[Barrister]

I had about 6 sexual partners prior to marriage. I was married by 26 and very blue pill. Once I divorced I discovered this place and I have banged about 30 different women since I was divorced 4 years ago. And it could have been a lot more. Some guys on here are true “notch” guys and try to bang as many as they can — that isn’t me as I am a quality over quantity guy. Maybe you are the latter too but I wouldn’t make that your end goal. My point is that I have slept with way more (and hotter) women in the last few years than I ever did in my 18-30 range. And women want me now much more than when I was younger.

My advice is to focus on making yourself the best version you can and becoming confident. This naturally will attract women - but this shouldn’t be your goal. I think you’ll find that the self-improvement is what ultimately will bring you satisfaction, not bagging more women. At least that’s been my experience.

Good luck, brother.

 

[lost_blackbird]

I'm here to learn and vent occasionally as there is nobody in my life but my mum who gives half
a toss about me and there's some stuff I won't talk to her about. Tbh, I've learned plenty, for
example the tired trope of responses to just about every problem people post on here, just nothing
that will help me.

It amuses me that you assume I haven't sought professional help, spent a year in therapy
after my split from my wife which SHE paid for. All that happened is that I masked throughout
and was sent on my way by the therapist after she said there was nothing wrong with me and I
seemed well grounded. That'll be the shame I mentioned earlier. I just sat there and said what she
wanted to hear so I could be on my way again. Just like the tired responses on here, I have tired
responses to being around other people and one of them is to mask so convincingly (nearly 50
years practice) that for a while I can appear, fun, happy, productive, confident etc but as it always
does, the mask will slip. Then I'll see other people pull 'that face' and I never hear from them again
which usually takes the form of a slow ghosting.

 

[Barrister]

I'm here to learn and vent occasionally as there is nobody in my life but my mum who gives half
a toss about me and there's some stuff I won't talk to her about. Tbh, I've learned plenty, for
example the tired trope of responses to just about every problem people post on here, just nothing
that will help me.

It amuses me that you assume I haven't sought professional help, spent a year in therapy
after my split from my wife which SHE paid for. All that happened is that I masked throughout
and was sent on my way by the therapist after she said there was nothing wrong with me and I
seemed well grounded. That'll be the shame I mentioned earlier. I just sat there and said what she
wanted to hear so I could be on my way again. Just like the tired responses on here, I have tired
responses to being around other people and one of them is to mask so convincingly (nearly 50
years practice) that for a while I can appear, fun, happy, productive, confident etc but as it always
does, the mask will slip. Then I'll see other people pull 'that face' and I never hear from them again
which usually takes the form of a slow ghosting.

I assume nothing about you. But telling a new poster that “you wouldn’t hold your breath for anything useful here” when he’s looking for help is pointless and silly. For one, the irony I already pointed out. For two, the fact that it isn’t true and there’s a lot of good stuff here.

I’m not going to derail this thread by any further replies to this though - so DM if you feel something more needs to be directly said.

 

[Yam_Naem_Kluk]

My advice is to focus on making yourself the best version you can and becoming confident. This naturally will attract women - but this shouldn’t be your goal. I think you’ll find that the self-improvement is what ultimately will bring you satisfaction, not bagging more women. At least that’s been my experience.

Good luck, brother.

Thanks for your advice man. I've read similar tips a few times about being the best version of yourself and naturally attracting more women but I'm unsure how that all plays out in practice. Like if I start lifting and get a great body, I don't envision a scenario where women come up and drop their panties for me. Similarly, if I start killing it financially, it's not like I'm walking around with a neon flashing light attached to my head that says "I have money".

 

[BackInTheGame78]

The first thing you need to do is simply accept reality for what it is and be OK with it. You can't go relive the past. You don't get any do overs in life. Part of the issue is in your own mind conjuring up what you think things should have been like back then which is likely 50x better than what they really would have been.

Nothing will change until you mentally do this.

You know the one thing you do have control of changing? Your present and your future. Focus on those, not the past.

Think about your life in terms of driving a car. Would you get in a car and drive down the road while constantly looking in the rear view mirror?

No.

Why?

Because you would end up crashing the car or ending up in a ditch or would miss a turn, etc...

Same goes for your life. You can't have a future if you are constantly looking in the rear view mirror. Leave the past in the past. Take what you need from it to learn, but don't constantly dwell on it. Focus on making every day better than the last realizing there will be speed bumps now and then.

I would highly recommend reading a book called The Alchemist by Paolo Coelho. It changed my life.

 

[BadBoy89]

Well, I wouldn't hold your breath for any actually useful help here. I've noticed that the answers will all be something like this.

"Read <insert name of self help book> and follow it's teachings"
"Stop caring about what women think/say/do because they are all intrinsically broken in some way."
"Go to the gym and lift stuff and they will be unable to control their desire for you."
"Be a 1/2/3% man and don't be a 90% man."
"Concentrate on your purpose and the women will simply land in your lap"
"Be Alpha™ and definitely don't be Beta"
"Something or other about 'game'...."
"men age like wine women age like milk" etc
oh and my personal favourite " Are you sure you aren't gay?"

+1. Decent list, lately a lot more are of:

‘Be authentic, be cool, be funny, be the man ladies want to be around.”
‘Get some new clothes and dress to impress. Ladies will notice”
‘Join dance class or yoga. Girls will notice you are improving yourself and love you for it.

The gym is a big one here. For some reason, if a man is having problems because a girl is giving mixed signals, or going back to her ex, or getting pregnant by another guy, or having sex with another guy, the “gym” will solve all these problems.

Sosuave also forgets to add the disclaimer: “for this improvement to work, you have be taller than average and have all your hair. Once you have that and you improve yourself to the max, you will get attention from the 30 year old non virgin.”

 

[Grounded eagle]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems like the vast majority of people look back fondly at young adulthood (18-30) as the best time of their lives particularly woman-wise. I'm sure the majority of people here spent their young adulthood in a haze of glorious hedonism. Having a wild 20s is the norm for most men and women in the Western world.

My 20s were spent in a state of anxiety and chronic depression. An almost teenage angst defined those years; I spent countless hours trying to answer existential questions about life that I can't answer. I drank quite a lot and went out regularly with one or two friends but we were beta losers who mostly just played pool, watched soccer, and admired women from afar.

I got dumped by text message from my first relationship when I was 21, after over 3 years together, and I immediately became depressed. I felt like I'd lost my only ever shot at One True Love™. Only 2 years later, aged 23, I entered into a toxic relationship with a woman abroad that lasted 9 whole years (I'm now 32). My self-esteem was crippled and I latched on to the next woman that showed interest without caring if I even liked her. That's pretty much all of my youth taken up by relationships in which happiness was not the norm, particularly in the latter case.

I didn't enjoy college at all; I spent 4 lonely years majoring in a subject that I only chose for the potential monetary benefits without considering if I cared about or liked the field. 99% of college students spend 4 years partying, befriending new people, and ****ing with the often end result of a corporate career at which they excel. My experience wasn't like that.

I've never even had roommates. My college campus was close to where I lived, and I come from a quite poor background so I wouldn't have even been able to afford a dorm (I only got into college due to a government grant). The majority of twentysomethings have at least one Friends-esque roommate experience where they live with great people and have fun all the time.

I spent the remainder of my 20s after college frittering around not really achieving anything of note. I drank too much. I tried freelance writing and failed. I started a food blog and it failed. I travelled to and lived abroad, but I was lonely there so my experiences don't count. My days abroad were either spent with my gf (the toxic 9 year relationship) or completely alone.

I was so unhappy and so isolated during those years that I literally feel unique among the world's population in how I squandered that time. I see successful players like Tom Torero killing themselves and I can't help but wonder how I'm still alive. I've slept with 3 women in total and I'm 32...it doesn't get any worse than that.

I guess I'm just reaching out for advice from this community because I don't know where else to turn to.

Thanks for sharing.You’ll be glad to know that you’re not alone.You’re not some freak who’s going through the motions of an unfulfilled life.There are plenty of guys who go through the depression,the ****ty relationships and the sexlessness.So don’t beat yourself up too much,because contrary to what you believe,most guys here are going or went through the same.That’s why they’re here lol.

While they’re not the same,I noticed a few striking similarities between what I went through in my teenage years and what you went through in your twenties. I can only tell you what I wish someone told me:No matter how much you hold onto the past,it’s already gone.There is nothing you can do to change it.

You have a choice,you can let what you did define who you are,or you can learn from it and make a better path for yourself.The fact that you can even acknowledge that you have a problem is a huge bonus,most people can’t or won’t.

You got one life.And when it’s done,it’s done. You can either let your story be about the girls that did you wrong,the time you wasted,the opportunities you let slip away or you can take charge and do something about it.You are 32,and it may seem weird coming from a 23 year old,but it’s not too late to turn your life around.Three years of laser focus can do you a universe of good.

Besides,I assure you it could be a lot worse.There is always someone somewhere who has it worse than you do.So just suck it up and get moving.Realize that your story isn’t special and you’re not special,and get moving.
It may be hard in the beginning but play your cards right and you’ll learn to love the challenge.

BTW,don’t listen to lost blackbird.Taking life advice from him is like asking a blind man if your shirt matches your shoes.There are a few others like him who don’t want to be helped and are only interested in spreading their pity party as much as possible.Even a newbie such as yourself should have no trouble spotting them.

 

[Grounded eagle]

I would highly recommend reading a book called The Alchemist by Paolo Coelho. It changed my life.

The Alchemist is a great read.One of my favourites.

 

[lost_blackbird]

BTW,don’t listen to lost blackbird.Taking life advice from him is like asking a blind man if your shirt matches your shoes.There are a few others like him who don’t want to be helped and are only interested in spreading their pity party as much as possible.Even a newbie such as yourself should have no trouble spotting them.

I didn't give any advice. You may want to have a re read of this thread. At least 4 off my list have been spouted already.

 

[Plinco]

My two cents:

You got two hands, two legs, two eyes, etc. As long as you are alive you can make any change you want. Just set the goals and take action and you will immediately feel better.

 

[SW15]

I had about 6 sexual partners prior to marriage. I was married by 26 and very blue pill. Once I divorced I discovered this place and I have banged about 30 different women since I was divorced 4 years ago. And it could have been a lot more. Some guys on here are true “notch” guys and try to bang as many as they can — that isn’t me as I am a quality over quantity guy. Maybe you are the latter too but I wouldn’t make that your end goal. My point is that I have slept with way more (and hotter) women in the last few years than I ever did in my 18-30 range. And women want me now much more than when I was younger.

My advice is to focus on making yourself the best version you can and becoming confident. This naturally will attract women - but this shouldn’t be your goal. I think you’ll find that the self-improvement is what ultimately will bring you satisfaction, not bagging more women. At least that’s been my experience.

Good luck, brother.

This is perfect advice.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems like the vast majority of people look back fondly at young adulthood (18-30) as the best time of their lives particularly woman-wise. I'm sure the majority of people here spent their young adulthood in a haze of glorious hedonism. Having a wild 20s is the norm for most men and women in the Western world.

My 20s were spent in a state of anxiety and chronic depression. An almost teenage angst defined those years; I spent countless hours trying to answer existential questions about life that I can't answer. I drank quite a lot and went out regularly with one or two friends but we were beta losers who mostly just played pool, watched soccer, and admired women from afar.

I got dumped by text message from my first relationship when I was 21, after over 3 years together, and I immediately became depressed. I felt like I'd lost my only ever shot at One True Love™. Only 2 years later, aged 23, I entered into a toxic relationship with a woman abroad that lasted 9 whole years (I'm now 32). I've slept with 3 women in total and I'm 32...it doesn't get any worse than that.

There are kissless virgins and incels at 32. 32 and a notch count of 3 isn't bad. You also had a 9 year long run relationship. Plenty of 40 year old men haven't ever had a 9 year long relationship. A 9 year long relationship is an accomplishment in theory. In your case, it was too toxic but relationships keep getting shorter.

 

[Yam_Naem_Kluk]

There are kissless virgins and incels at 32. 32 and a notch count of 3 isn't bad. You also had a 9 year long run relationship. Plenty of 40 year old men haven't ever had a 9 year long relationship. A 9 year long relationship is an accomplishment in theory. In your case, it was too toxic but relationships keep getting shorter.

I understand where you're coming from but those kissless 32-year-old virgins are even more at the tail end of what's normal in the distribution of an average 18-30-year-old's life. What is actually the normal/average life that 80% of young men lucky enough to be from the Western world live? From where I'm standing, the norm seems to be a wild time in college, great roommates both in college and afterward, plenty of social hobbies, a solid well-paying career, annual music festivals, regular trips abroad with friends, and general contentment with how they spent their youth.

 

[Black Widow Void]

Despite what you're thinking, this could be the best turning point in your life.
Although my era and age differs, I think that the outcome can occur no matter the age and era.
I'll explain.

Back in 7th grade, I used to wonder if god was using me as some experiment. It was like, I couldn't imagine anyone's life being more pathetic than mine. I finally got to the point that I just didn't care any more (and this included what others thought of me). It felt like a paradox, but suddenly, life turned around. It was weird. I recall thinking to myself that I had wished that this happened when I wasn't at the point of numbness.

Although I consider myself quite fortunate these days, I never forgot the low points that I experienced. I wouldn't want anyone else to feel this way.

The lesson I learned? When I quit being dependent on others for my happiness and self-approval, this is when life became happier.