If only I liked the ones who like me (and vice versa)

[MrEkko]

On this day 3 years ago I broke up with my ex-gf of 5 years. I had limited experiences with women until then, but after this and thanks to a few different factors (reading this forum being one of them) I got better at it and I wanted to enjoy my life as a single guy after a long time.

During the past 3 years I have slept with ~40 women, gone on plenty more dates, dated a couple of them for a bit. All in all, it's been pretty good sex-wise.

In my time on SS, I have created 4 new threads, asking the wise DJs for advice on how to handle 4 different situations. Two were the common themes of these 4 situations: First: they were the 4 girls I have probably liked the most out of all the girls I've gone out/slept with and wanted to potentially pursue something long term with. Second: I blew it with all 4 of them (ok the jury is still out on the last one on this thread but I am not optimistic).

To quickly summarise:

1. Went out with this girl for 1.5 months or so, I started coming off needy at some point and turned her off. I realise what was my mistake here, should've stayed more aloof and IDGAF but I did the opposite.
2. We went out on a Friday evening and ended up spending most of the weekend together and had a great time (no sex though). Things were looking great but I never saw her again - I later found out I lost to the competition as she went for another guy that she eventually got engaged to.
3. We went out on a few good dates in the course of <1 month when she suddently went a bit distant and eventually hit me with the "you're a great guy but..." text. I don't know what went wrong here, perhaps competition again or the grass is always greener mentality on her behalf.
4. Great first date but I couldn't seal the deal due to whisky d!ck. As mentioned, this happened very recently, we still talk and are supposed to set up date 2 but my instinct, which is usually right about these things, tells me it's not looking good. I know it was just one date but we know from the get go when we meet someone we want to be involved with, don't we?

As much as I want to say it is unfair or blame the universe, I am the common factor in these cases so I must be doing something wrong here. Especially considering how at least 10 of the other girls have been in the same position against me, with them wanting something more and me not interested. I have to say it doesn't feel good when the shoe is on the other foot.

How common is this with you? Have you found that it's just going to be the case sometimes and accept your fate? I've always been spinning plates and continue to do so but it just sucks when someone I am really interested in doesn't reciprocate, and frankly having sex with someone else to drown my sorrow doesn't really help, I have found. Also, I don't know wtf is wrong with me that I tend to get in this frame and mentality after I've got intimate with them - I thought it was women who got that.

 

[2Rocky]

Build a life where the time you have to devote to women is limited, and a pool of women greater than your time for them and you will find the best ones will make themselves evident. Sometimes I think my time in a marriage allowed me to truly observe single women and over time see the flaws that I would have overlooked if I was single and needy.

 

[Black Widow Void]

You've got one thing going for you that most here do not - self accountability and a willingness to work on yourself.

During my younger days, I encountered this same situation. Back then, it didn't seem to make sense. Now it does.

Women typically want what they can't have. Your plates provide a good example. Not sure about you, but when I'd find a girl of interest, I'd strip away the mask and become more real. Logic would dictate that they'd appreciate a man showing some legitimate interest and investment. However, this seemed to backfire every time.

In retrospect, I figured out that they were attracted to the person (me) that they could never fully attain. And when I attempted to validate them with some genuine sincerity, the challenge was no longer there. As luck would have it... when I began to look at them this way, my interest in them became less... and as a result, their interest began to increase.

This "dance" is usually more common with women in their 20's (or at least, that was my experience).

 

[MrEkko]

You've got one thing going for you that most here do not - self accountability and a willingness to work on yourself.

During my younger days, I encountered this same situation. Back then, it didn't seem to make sense. Now it does.

Women typically want what they can't have. Your plates provide a good example. Not sure about you, but when I'd find a girl of interest, I'd strip away the mask and become more real. Logic would dictate that they'd appreciate a man showing some legitimate interest and investment. However, this seemed to backfire every time.

In retrospect, I figured out that they were attracted to the person (me) that they could never fully attain. And when I attempted to validate them with some genuine sincerity, the challenge was no longer there. As luck would have it... when I began to look at them this way, my interest in them became less... and as a result, their interest began to increase.

This "dance" is usually more common with women in their 20's (or at least, that was my experience).

This is true. I also let my guard down and become more “real” with the ones I really like and quite early on too. It’s ironic because we’re supposed to be like that and it feels damn better too but I guess you need to wait and play along until you can do that.

 

[Bingo-Player]

How common is this with you? Have you found that it's just going to be the case sometimes and accept your fate? I've always been spinning plates and continue to do so but it just sucks when someone I am really interested in doesn't reciprocate, and frankly having sex with someone else to drown my sorrow doesn't really help, I have found. Also, I don't know wtf is wrong with me that I tend to get in this frame and mentality after I've got intimate with them - I thought it was women who got that.

I would stop emotionally investing in women because you will keep experiencing pain

Women are naturally unpredictable , indecisive and flaky there is little you can do to negate this other than understanding everything about them is a numbers game and luck

Most pain in life comes from "wanting" , stop wanting things stop being in pain

 

[metalwater]

you seem very aware from your summary of what is up. and also it sounds like you know the solutions, and just need to do it/them.

I can relate to your idea. I have at least one girl in the past that was very into me and I blew her off for another that I was into. well, it did not work out for me.

we talk about all sorts of ideas and strategies and what to do. probably the truest fact is that for any relationship with a woman, the whole thing is dependant on HER interest level. lots of tricks and traps to spike and cheat her interest level for short time, but not for a long time. good pickup men can get almost any woman for a short time if given a bit of time to set her up. for a long term; no.

for those women that really make your dyk hard and all the blood leave your brain, you can get them as you know for short time by doing a few behaviors and actions that you have learned. for the long-term thing, it is her organic interest level that is key.

you have learned how to identify the high-interest woman it sounds like, pick from that list if you want her to follow you longer term. as you increase your value (money, status, resolve, masculinity) that pool of ones willing to follow you long-term will get hotter and hotter. As that happens your eyes will go to the ones that are just a little bit hotter yet. It's up to you if you want to keep chasing or stop and let one chasing you; catch you.

 

[MrEkko]

I would stop emotionally investing in women because you will keep experiencing pain

Women are naturally unpredictable , indecisive and flaky there is little you can do to negate this other than understanding everything about them is a numbers game and luck

Most pain in life comes from "wanting" , stop wanting things stop being in pain

That would be ideal but it sounds easier said than done though.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

It's simple cat string theory and it works both ways - on men and women. Most of us want what we can't have, or what is a challenge for us to obtain. What has worked for me is working on my mental game to always value myself above the women I'm dating, reminding myself that while a single given woman might be great in many ways, she is never to be put on a pedestal, she can and will make her own decisions, and another hot woman will be along soon if she decides to leave. Part of they key in all that is that the mindset you adopt from that will eliminate neediness you are either consciously or subconsciously conveying to her. Women want to feel your masculine energy and they test and evaluate you all the time. If you can't truly be ok with walking away from a relationship, you will convey neediness in some of these tests and that will doom you.

I've gotten to the point where I actually enjoy dismissing women. It's very empowering and its now entertaining to me to see the effect it has on most of them. At this point in my life, when I get the vibe that a woman is pulling back, acting strange, or making some false accusation or whatever, instead of giving me anxiety and worrying that I will "lose" her, it turns me the fvck off, as it should, and I respond accordingly - generally by distancing myself from her and backing off on my investment. And guess what happens? She comes running back in full force.

As for not being into women who really like you, I think many of us struggle with that. At some point, you have to make a decision, exactly like metalwater said:

It's up to you if you want to keep chasing or stop and let one chasing you; catch you.

I'm currently facing that with the girl I'm seeing now.

 

[Modern Man Advice]

Build a life where the time you have to devote to women is limited, and a pool of women greater than your time for them and you will find the best ones will make themselves evident. Sometimes I think my time in a marriage allowed me to truly observe single women and over time see the flaws that I would have overlooked if I was single and needy.

It's simple cat string theory and it works both ways - on men and women. Most of us want what we can't have, or what is a challenge for us to obtain. What has worked for me is working on my mental game to always value myself above the women I'm dating, reminding myself that while a single given woman might be great in many ways, she is never to be put on a pedestal, she can and will make her own decisions, and another hot woman will be along soon if she decides to leave. Part of they key in all that is that the mindset you adopt from that will eliminate neediness you are either consciously or subconsciously conveying to her. Women want to feel your masculine energy and they test and evaluate you all the time. If you can't truly be ok with walking away from a relationship, you will convey neediness in some of these tests and that will doom you.

I've gotten to the point where I actually enjoy dismissing women. It's very empowering and its now entertaining to me to see the effect it has on most of them. At this point in my life, when I get the vibe that a woman is pulling back, acting strange, or making some false accusation or whatever, instead of giving me anxiety and worrying that I will "lose" her, it turns me the fvck off, as it should, and I respond accordingly - generally by distancing myself from her and backing off on my investment. And guess what happens? She comes running back in full force.

As for not being into women who really like you, I think many of us struggle with that. At some point, you have to make a decision, exactly like metalwater said:


I'm currently facing that with the girl I'm seeing now.

This ^ and this ^ @MrEkko

That is all you need to know to move forward.


Modern Man Advice

 

[mrgoodstuff]

On this day 3 years ago I broke up with my ex-gf of 5 years. I had limited experiences with women until then, but after this and thanks to a few different factors (reading this forum being one of them) I got better at it and I wanted to enjoy my life as a single guy after a long time.

During the past 3 years I have slept with ~40 women, gone on plenty more dates, dated a couple of them for a bit. All in all, it's been pretty good sex-wise.

In my time on SS, I have created 4 new threads, asking the wise DJs for advice on how to handle 4 different situations. Two were the common themes of these 4 situations: First: they were the 4 girls I have probably liked the most out of all the girls I've gone out/slept with and wanted to potentially pursue something long term with. Second: I blew it with all 4 of them (ok the jury is still out on the last one on this thread but I am not optimistic).

To quickly summarise:

1. Went out with this girl for 1.5 months or so, I started coming off needy at some point and turned her off. I realise what was my mistake here, should've stayed more aloof and IDGAF but I did the opposite.
2. We went out on a Friday evening and ended up spending most of the weekend together and had a great time (no sex though). Things were looking great but I never saw her again - I later found out I lost to the competition as she went for another guy that she eventually got engaged to.
3. We went out on a few good dates in the course of <1 month when she suddently went a bit distant and eventually hit me with the "you're a great guy but..." text. I don't know what went wrong here, perhaps competition again or the grass is always greener mentality on her behalf.
4. Great first date but I couldn't seal the deal due to whisky d!ck. As mentioned, this happened very recently, we still talk and are supposed to set up date 2 but my instinct, which is usually right about these things, tells me it's not looking good. I know it was just one date but we know from the get go when we meet someone we want to be involved with, don't we?

As much as I want to say it is unfair or blame the universe, I am the common factor in these cases so I must be doing something wrong here. Especially considering how at least 10 of the other girls have been in the same position against me, with them wanting something more and me not interested. I have to say it doesn't feel good when the shoe is on the other foot.

How common is this with you? Have you found that it's just going to be the case sometimes and accept your fate? I've always been spinning plates and continue to do so but it just sucks when someone I am really interested in doesn't reciprocate, and frankly having sex with someone else to drown my sorrow doesn't really help, I have found. Also, I don't know wtf is wrong with me that I tend to get in this frame and mentality after I've got intimate with them - I thought it was women who got that.

It doesn't make you feel "better" at all, and then open up your opportunities with others?

 

[jimwho]

I've gotten to the point where I actually enjoy dismissing women. It's very empowering and its now entertaining to me to see the effect it has on most of them. At this point in my life, when I get the vibe that a woman is pulling back, acting strange, or making some false accusation or whatever, instead of giving me anxiety and worrying that I will "lose" her, it turns me the fvck off, as it should, and I respond accordingly - generally by distancing myself from her and backing off on my investment. And guess what happens? She comes running back in full force.

This is good stuff Oldman, I will remember this and tweek it from (Turns me the fvck off - and respond accordingly) to
dismissing empowering entertainment. Anyway it's Gold IMO bravo..

 

[MrEkko]

It doesn't make you feel "better" at all, and then open up your opportunities with others?

When it's the ones that I am not that keen on who distance themselves and take a step back, absolutely, it saves me the trouble. But when it's someone that I could see more prospects with then no, that's the opposite of the desired outcome.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

When it's the ones that I am not that keen on who distance themselves and take a step back, absolutely, it saves me the trouble. But when it's someone that I could see more prospects with then no, that's the opposite of the desired outcome.

As single men we should not worry about outcome other than good times and sex. Needing or wanting a relationship has been a fail and to the woman that desires make us less attractive since they know they can have us.

 

[MrEkko]

As single men we should not worry about outcome other than good times and sex. Needing or wanting a relationship has been a fail and to the woman that desires make us less attractive since they know they can have us.

That's true but when I say "potential for more" I mean that I enjoy going on dates and having sex with her and I'd like that to carry on and see how it goes, not that I would want a relationship right off the bat. So in those cases it sucks if it's very short lived.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

That's true but when I say "potential for more" I mean that I enjoy going on dates and having sex with her and I'd like that to carry on and see how it goes, not that I would want a relationship right off the bat. So in those cases it sucks if it's very short lived.

Short lived is the nature of it. Being too picky causes men to slip into incel status. From the woman viewpoint the man fvcking every one is the most desirable. So might as well.

 

[2Rocky]

The psychological reasons why we want what we can't have — and why we chase someone who pulls away

'Too often, the thing you want most is the one thing you can't have,' says dating coach Erika Ettin. And it can feel like the more someone pulls away, the more you end up wanting them.

www.businessinsider.com

 

[Bokanovsky]

As much as I want to say it is unfair or blame the universe, I am the common factor in these cases so I must be doing something wrong here. Especially considering how at least 10 of the other girls have been in the same position against me, with them wanting something more and me not interested. I have to say it doesn't feel good when the shoe is on the other foot.

Whiskey d!ck and neediness are certainly on you. The other two (losing out to the competition) may or may not partially be your fault. As for women you don't like being attracted to you, there is a simple explanation there too. I bet they are average or below average looks-wise and thus have lower standards. So I'm not sure that this is a case of wanting what you can't have. More of a case of screwing it up with desirable women because of personal issues.

 

[Stoic]

[QUOTE="Bingo-Player, post: 2899617, member: 124901"

Most pain in life comes from "wanting" , stop wanting things stop being in pain
[/QUOTE]

Good point. I think Buddhism says suffering comes from expectations and desires.

I don't think it's good to give up desires but best to manage them.

 

[Zimbabwe]

If there is a girl who is showing you a lot of affection, much more than average, you will wonder why she’s so desperate, or whether there’s something wrong with her. Not only will you be hesitant to pursue her, but it’s also more likely that you’ll treat her poorly. You will skip out on replyingto some of her texts, be slower to please her with stories or jokes, and be quicker to say no.