GF says she has doubts

[SchizopilledSigmaRoider]

So my gf texted me basically saying she has doubts about our relationship. Maybe something about that Im not committed enough (which i am, so just bs)
What should I do? I want to keep this relationship

 

[EyeOnThePrize]

So my gf texted me basically saying she has doubts about our relationship. Maybe something about that Im not committed enough (which i am, so just bs)
What should I do? I want to keep this relationship

Be straight up with her that you're committed, willing to work on it, and want her to be happy, even if that means leaving you.

Always keep yourself in good shape and practice your charm. A break up should never devastate you, and the prospect of a break up shouldn't scare you. If it does, work on yourself until it doesn't.

If she's not able to communicate the issue and talk it out then it's in both your best interest to split. Always be prepared to enjoy new freedom and options.

You control your thoughts and actions, not the fruit they bear. Don't overthink things and ground yourself.

Personally a girl I'm seeing would never say some crap like that to me. She'll bring up exactly what bothers her and she'll have a possible solution to talk about. Anything short of that and I'll dare her to leave with my actions (working out lots, socializing with old friends, going to new social events to network and develop more friend groups). She'll either open up to talk about solutions to grow together, or I stop wasting my time and dodge a bullet. Win win.

You should never have to fight to keep a woman. Create the conditions for women to pounce on you and lead those that worship you.

 

[Dash Riprock]

If you really want to keep the relationship, call a preemptive "time out" before she can or she dumps you.

Tell her it would be good if we took some time apart to see if this is what we really want. 99% chance it piques her interest in you but then you need to go through with it. Stay apart for a few weeks with minimal or no communication and let her make the first move on reconciling. If she does, she'll come back 10x stronger and if she doesn't then you know she was not all that into to you and you can move on.

Good luck.

 

[rjc149]

This sounds like typical rattling the cage, stirring up the ol' pot. Women do this when they feel bored or complacent, or when they want reassurance in the emotional connection.

Ask her what her doubts are. If she gives specific feedback, listen to her. Re-word what she said to you back to her, to show you are comprehending and hearing her. Maybe she has emotional needs that you are not meeting and her reservations are legitimate.

If her "doubts" are a bunch of nonsense or she prevaricates with "I dunno, I just have doubts" then respond "I don't share those doubts. But if you need some space to figure things out, take that space. I'll respect whatever decision you make. I want you to be happy."

If she was just trying to manufacture drama to test the connection, she will usually squeal "what does that mean? You want to break up?" Because she thinks this is when you're supposed to start "fighting for her" and "showing how much you care," but now you took the upper hand. Simply respond "I have no doubts about us. You do. If you need to work that out, I'll give you the space you need."

What you don't want to do is react coldly like the PUA's and red pill dating gurus tell you "fine, you have doubts? Don't let the door hit you on the way out sweetheart, and say hi to the line waiting outside."

When women try to induce reactions from you in an attempt to feel closer to you, don't give in to that frame, but don't be cold or mean either.

In any scenario, when the conversation is over, you go absolute, 100% no contact until she reaches out with an olive branch.

 

[bat soup]

So my gf texted me basically saying she has doubts about our relationship. Maybe something about that Im not committed enough (which i am, so just bs)
What should I do? I want to keep this relationship

Start looking for her replacement

 

[zinc4]

So my gf texted me basically saying she has doubts about our relationship. Maybe something about that Im not committed enough (which i am, so just bs)
What should I do? I want to keep this relationship

Call her on her bluff. Tell her that it is not true and she knows it. Tell her it if she really feels that way though then it's best to just take a break. Tell her thus is surprising to you and you want someone who you can trust.... not this kind of flaky behavior. Don't be scared of losing her.

 

[RickTheToad]

So my gf texted me basically saying she has doubts about our relationship. Maybe something about that Im not committed enough (which i am, so just bs)
What should I do? I want to keep this relationship

You run after her, she will just move farther away. Whatever you are thinking of doing, do the opposite.

 

[Modern Man Advice]

So my gf texted me basically saying she has doubts about our relationship. Maybe something about that Im not committed enough (which i am, so just bs)
What should I do? I want to keep this relationship

Sounds like she is trying to win the upper hand and set the frame.

My advice: Be honest and tell her you are committed but if she doesn't feel that from you and has doubts then you are not on the same page you thought you were. Then show her the door.

Hope it works out.

PS: Keep us updated


Modern Man Advice

 

[rjc149]

To add, I once dated a woman who attempted to "break up" with me because I failed to text her the next day after a weekend together. She said "I don't think this is good for me, I think we should stop."

My response was "okay."

"Okay? Okay? That's your response?"

We argued for a bit after that, with me telling her "I'm not playing your fvcking games, if you want to go, then go."

She texted me the text day with an essay apologizing to me, then was quite lovey-dovey for the next few days.

However, this poisoned the relationship. She resented me. She needed to be in control of her relationships, and her failure to gain the upper hand and remain submissive to me in the relationship made her quietly seethe (she had daddy issues).

A few months later, when she admitted to fvcking some other dude for the last 2 weeks or so of our relationship, I was understandably upset. Her response was "Okay. Okay. Okay." Long-awaited retribution for not letting her manipulate me.

Women who frequently use this tactic to gain control over the relationship are usually toxic, and the relationship will (and should) end. Don't give in to it, but also don't tolerate it if it's a recurring issue. At a certain point, you need to have boundaries of behavior that cannot continue to be violated.

 

[Alvafe]

I would say

"how nice of you bringing this up I have some doubts too" then go from that

you can be straight with her but my experience yells it will not go well if you dimiss her doubts, so chances are start to check on what she does then annoys you and start from that, trying to flip the whole script on her would be better for the long run, but I would start to look for a replacement

 

[Macadellic]

something about that Im not committed enough (which i am, so just bs)

Communicate that you understand her.
This will let her know that you listen, she has been heard and understood.

Then, communicate authentically that you are committed. Only you know how to communicate this commitment of yours because you are the one in the relationship.

Next, communicate that a problem shouldn’t be created where their isn’t one. If she persists then this is HER problem. And if this fabricated “problem” continues then she needs to do some work on herself.

Lastly OP, since you said you want to keep this relationship then you can suggest to do this work on herself together.

But she will have to WANT to find the deep rooted unresolved issue within herself.

People with trauma will find ways to recreate it in order to solve past trauma.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

To add, I once dated a woman who attempted to "break up" with me because I failed to text her the next day after a weekend together. She said "I don't think this is good for me, I think we should stop."

My response was "okay."

"Okay? Okay? That's your response?"

We argued for a bit after that, with me telling her "I'm not playing your fvcking games, if you want to go, then go."

She texted me the text day with an essay apologizing to me, then was quite lovey-dovey for the next few days.

However, this poisoned the relationship. She resented me. She needed to be in control of her relationships, and her failure to gain the upper hand and remain submissive to me in the relationship made her quietly seethe (she had daddy issues).

A few months later, when she admitted to fvcking some other dude for the last 2 weeks or so of our relationship, I was understandably upset. Her response was "Okay. Okay. Okay." Long-awaited retribution for not letting her manipulate me.

Women who frequently use this tactic to gain control over the relationship are usually toxic, and the relationship will (and should) end. Don't give in to it, but also don't tolerate it if it's a recurring issue. At a certain point, you need to have boundaries of behavior that cannot continue to be violated.

Completely agree with all this and have experienced the exact same issue from a girl I recently dated (except she did not cheat on me that I am aware of but you never know with these women). Bottom line, the stronger-willed the girl is, the more likely it is that she will constantly fight to wear the pants. It doesn't come from inner-strength when a women does this, it comes from insecurity usually caused by daddy issues. They are insecure and feel safer wearing the pants because they think it will mean you won't leave them - and in most cases (with blue-pilled men) it works for them. From my observations, these women ultimately end up with a REALLY beta guy who is several leagues below them in looks - it's a very safe choice for them because they know they will never have to face abandonment (even if the face of the conflicts their insecurities keep bringing into the relationship). These are also the women who are more likely to cheat on the side with alpha guys here and there because they aren't getting that from their pushover BF.

So yes, I agree, if a women starts playing this game with me, I might keep sleeping with her but won't take it any further, and I recommend just avoiding them completely because these are the kinds of women who can turn into stalkers and make your life a living h3ll.

 

[Bokanovsky]

The only way to "win" in this situation is by being prepared to move on and not being afraid to lose her. Assume that it's already over and act accordingly. Start spinning plates, open an OLD account. Have a date or two lined up for this coming weekend. If she decides to backtrack, consider whether YOU want her back.

 

[zinc4]

Sounds like she is trying to win the upper hand and set the frame.

My advice: Be honest and tell her you are committed but if she doesn't feel that from you and has doubts then you are not on the same page you thought you were. Then show her the door.

Hope it works out.

PS: Keep us updated


Modern Man Advice

Yep. Classic frame control attempt. If he falls for it she will either string him along for months or even longer or start going distant immediately. Neither outcome is good for OP. Have to be willing to lose every woman you meet if you want them to really fall for you.

 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

You can't impede her path to the carousel, if she wants to ride, she's gonna ride and it sounds like she's got one leg over the porcelain horse already

 

[joesbigship]

She's done with you. Any other girls in the pipeline?

 

[Barrister]

@Dash Riprock already told you the spot on advice for this situation. It is very difficult, but your only play is to "agree and amplify." Agree that you are unsure of things and need some space. Then follow through. Maybe it works out for you and she comes back - but be ready to move on. Start the mental preparation NOW.

 

[TheProspect]

So my gf texted me basically saying she has doubts about our relationship. Maybe something about that Im not committed enough (which i am, so just bs)
What should I do? I want to keep this relationship

I'm going to go against some of the knee jerk responses here...

What I think you need to do is communicate with your girlfriend.

You said her doubts are "maybe" about that you're not committed enough? Maybe? Well why don't you talk to her and get clarification.

Her reasons why she feels that way probably be rational, but then again you're talking about a woman's feelings, which rarely make any sense to us men.

Understand that women react to how they feel. You will only uncover why she feels the ways he does by having a conversation with her where you use your empathetic listening skills so she feels her feelings are being acknowledged, and thus can have a dialogue with you.

Ask her why she feels you're not committed enough, and then listen. Don't defend yourself – LISTEN. Listen until you can repeat how she feels (and why) back to her to the point she goes "Uh huh, that's exactly how I feel!". You don't need to agree with her or think that the way she feels is justified, she just need to make her feel heard.

Once she feels understood, then you can work with her towards a solution. In other words, what does committed enough mean to her and how can you show it in a way that she sees and feels. That doesn't mean you default to whatever she wants, but it means you continue to communicate until both of you are comfortable with a mutually agreed upon solution going forward. And hey, that might mean you two realize that y'all aren't compatible with one another. So be it, but have that conversation.


Proper communication is underrated on this forum, but proper communication is an indispensable cornerstone of a healthy LTR. Given the knee jerk responses here, I'm not surprised why many posters exacerbate their problems with their plates and girlfriends.

 

[TheProspect]

I'll add that while some of the techniques here proposed by others may work temporarily in increasing interest & attraction, or making the girl chase, they aren't ultimately long-term solutions. They merely act as a band-aid for an underlying problem – lack of communication.

At the end of the day, it depends on what stage of the dating process you're in (first date, plate, LTR, wife, etc), and what your intentions/goals are, as to whether these techniques can serve as an adequate substitute for lack of communication.

 

[Barrister]

I'm going to go against some of the knee jerk responses here...

What I think you need to do is communicate with your girlfriend.

You said her doubts are "maybe" about that you're not committed enough? Maybe? Well why don't you talk to her and get clarification.

Her reasons why she feels that way probably be rational, but then again you're talking about a woman's feelings, which rarely make any sense to us men.

Understand that women react to how they feel. You will only uncover why she feels the ways he does by having a conversation with her where you use your empathetic listening skills so she feels her feelings are being acknowledged, and thus can have a dialogue with you.

Ask her why she feels you're not committed enough, and then listen. Don't defend yourself – LISTEN. Listen until you can repeat how she feels (and why) back to her to the point she goes "Uh huh, that's exactly how I feel!". You don't need to agree with her or think that the way she feels is justified, she just need to make her feel heard.

Once she feels understood, then you can work with her towards a solution. In other words, what does committed enough mean to her and how can you show it in a way that she sees and feels. That doesn't mean you default to whatever she wants, but it means you continue to communicate until both of you are comfortable with a mutually agreed upon solution going forward. And hey, that might mean you two realize that y'all aren't compatible with one another. So be it, but have that conversation.


Proper communication is underrated on this forum, but proper communication is an indispensable cornerstone of a healthy LTR. Given the knee jerk responses here, I'm not surprised why many posters exacerbate their problems with their plates and girlfriends.

Communication is important in a healthy relationship no doubt. This one, however, is on life support. The only play here is agree and amplify then S&D. Over-communicating here is only going to drive her further away. They likely have talked it to death already.