In deep trouble emotionally

[SayWhat]

Very long story, will try to keep it as short as possible

- for whole my life I struggled with low self-esteem
- many girls found me attractive and fun, but I never was able to take it further because of the above
- when I find someone attractive, I tend to close up, not being able to talk to her
- met a girl at work 2 years ago, we hit it off, but not in real life, but with texting, it really went well, but with the lockdown and my low self-esteem, I couldn't make it to work in real life. As you can guess she just gave up about a year ago, we grew apart, even though I kept trying
- comes the beginning of October of this year, I suddenly crashed, I was out with friends and I don't know what happened, I started drinking and couldn't stop. After that day my life has been a battle, every minute is a struggle. It later was clear I kept bottling up so many things and it just was too much
- I realise now I wasted so many opportunities in my life because of my low self-esteem, my inability to create true friendships, to connect with people
- I've had like only three relationships in my life (I am currently 34). And only one of those I could call a true relationship
- I'm struggling right now with the fact of those lost opportunities, the mistakes I made. That girl from work is currently a really hard oneitis case, cause she ticked so many boxes
- I've had professional help before from a psychologist and mental coach, but tbh, it just doesnt' work, I keep on going down a negative spiral
- I honestly don't know anymore how to continue, my life was kinda good, albeit I missed my ability to get girlfriends, but it is hitting me so hard now that I don't see a way out anymore. I used to go the gym everyday, had a nice physique, now I only leave my home to visit my mom and go to work.
- just try to meet new people is currently really not a solution, I'm not happy with myself, don't like the way my physique is right now, etc...

I dont' know how to go from here anymore, this has been going for over a year now and like I said, it got 10 times worse since the beginning of October. I'm so tired of this.

 

[Konada]

Thanks for sharing.

I get that you are in a tough spot emotionally but all those lost opportunities and mistakes are lessons for a better you in the future - only if you learn from those.

I too suffered from low self esteem so I roughly know what you are going through. I suggest finding an anonymous support group where you are able to air how you feel authentically and get support.

Your issue is not girls/women, your issue is self-acceptance and courage to express yourself authentically.

I suggest doing some self-work to reconcile the emotional baggage you have not let go. Once you have come to phase of self-acceptance, the next step is to express your views and self to others, understand not everyone will like you and that's a fact of life.

Start working out and doing the things you normally do, when things get rough, you need an anchor in your life.

Work those out and everything will fall into place in due time. Good luck.

 

[bat soup]

I'll try to take it point by point:

- for whole my life I struggled with low self-esteem
Many guys have, you're not alone.

- many girls found me attractive and fun, but I never was able to take it further because of the above
- when I find someone attractive, I tend to close up, not being able to talk to her
This also happened to me when I was younger. Fortunately, I eventually got past that. I think one thing that helps is to find a way to meet a lot of women, especially attractive ones, and force yourself to have conversations with them even if it doesn't lead anywhere. This will get you used to them so that you don't freeze up anymore. Another thing you can do is try to make a move anyway and even if you get rejected, just take it as a learning experience. Don't put so much pressure on yourself. At the end of the day if you go out tomorrow and talk to 10 hot girls and they all reject you what did you lose? You most likely gained experience and lost nothing.

- met a girl at work 2 years ago, we hit it off, but not in real life, but with texting, it really went well, but with the lockdown and my low self-esteem, I couldn't make it to work in real life. As you can guess she just gave up about a year ago, we grew apart, even though I kept trying
Texting is total BS. You need to meet up in real life and escalate. Anything a woman says over text could be a lie. She could tell you she loves you and wants to marry you and it means absolutely nothing unless she meets you in real life and lets you escalate.

- comes the beginning of October of this year, I suddenly crashed, I was out with friends and I don't know what happened, I started drinking and couldn't stop. After that day my life has been a battle, every minute is a struggle. It later was clear I kept bottling up so many things and it just was too much
This is a dangerous path to go down. It's good that you admit to yourself that you're not happy if it motivates you to do what is necessary to change your situation, but don't wallow in despair. Just make the decision to do the best that you can to change and overcome your problems.

- I realise now I wasted so many opportunities in my life because of my low self-esteem, my inability to create true friendships, to connect with people
I also wasted many, many opportunities when I was younger. Just last night I clicked on a folder in my email from 2004 and saw a message from a Japanese girl saying "I really want to see you again. Tell me when you will be in Japan". I thought she was just being friendly and I never went to see her. There are so many examples. These days I can spot signs of high interest a mile away but it takes time to develop those skills.

- I've had like only three relationships in my life (I am currently 34). And only one of those I could call a true relationship
There's more to life than relationships. And actually, being single has many advantages for a man. It's only women that need a man like a fish needs a bicycle.

- I'm struggling right now with the fact of those lost opportunities, the mistakes I made. That girl from work is currently a really hard oneitis case, cause she ticked so many boxes
The most important box is whether or not she's DTF. If she's not then she's garbage.

- I've had professional help before from a psychologist and mental coach, but tbh, it just doesnt' work, I keep on going down a negative spiral
Don't worry. Doctor Skankypoon is here to help

- I honestly don't know anymore how to continue, my life was kinda good, albeit I missed my ability to get girlfriends, but it is hitting me so hard now that I don't see a way out anymore. I used to go the gym everyday, had a nice physique, now I only leave my home to visit my mom and go to work.
- just try to meet new people is currently really not a solution, I'm not happy with myself, don't like the way my physique is right now, etc...
Just try to improve in small steps. Take one action at a time.

 

[KindredSpiritzz]

a quote that always stuck in my head by Jennifer Aniston-" Everything you ever wanted in life is just outside your comfort zone."
Let me tell ya, if you dont break out of that mentality now and change how you approach life you're gonna be over 50 with a lifetime of regrets for the things you didnt do or take chances on. Not a day goes by i dont wish i could have the last 25 yrs back to do differently. Dude, its your life, make it what you want, take chances, who cares what anyone else thinks. That negative spiral is all in your head.
Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it. React better!!

 

[bat soup]

a quote that always stuck in my head by Jennifer Aniston-" Everything you ever wanted in life is just outside your comfort zone."

I like that quote. I'm sure she probably stole it from somewhere else. But anyway, it's good to always be pushing yourself and always going a little bit further than you're comfortable with. I like to always be just a little bit inappropriate. Appropriately inappropriate. Don't let yourself get boxed in by convention.