Instagram post to sh1t test ?

[DarKnight]

Hi Everyone
So I have met a new girl. We have had about 6 dates. She has told me several times that she has bad experiences with jelious boyfrend and the other one cheated on her. But she is over all of that now. I really like this girl and plan a ltr with her if everything goes well.
She once asked me to tell her how I would describe her in two words. She wanted to open instagram account. On the next date I asked her if she had created an account. She said yes. And told me I can follow her there. I opened her profile there were only two photos from her visit to Paris. Her gff works there. She invited here there in may. And she had a vacation there for a week. It was her second visit there. And one photos from our previous date. Just a table and glasses of wine, not us.
So what happened today is she posted one more photo from Paris there is tea and sweets on the table and hands of a guy. It looks like a date. She wrote that she loves tea and drinks it only with closest people.

I think this might be a sh1t test to test my jeliousy. Because this is really strange to post a two months old photo with a guy and write those words. Looks looks like she is not over someone or again this really might be **** test.
Is it ok to ignore it ? Would not she think that I am afraid just to open the topic ? Is it ok just to playfully ask her why she is posting such weird things ? And tell her that looks like she is not over something

 

[oldmanofthesea]

A few things.

First is that I would not advise you to be focused on an LTR with someone you've only been on six dates with (let alone a girl who is doing what she's doing on IG).

Second, yes, it is odd. Even if the guy is just a good friend, she's not a moron and knows you're going going to see it and see it's a guy.

My rule on situations like this where you have to decide whether to confront or not is that it depends on how long you have known her and how directly disrespectful it is to you. This is disrespectful but it also isn't like flirting with a guy in front of you. Still, she knows what she is doing and it is game playing. Given the newness of your relationship and her game playing, it's a very bad sign because it means she is going to be like this as long as you know her. She is a girl who needs an extra form of validation beyond just enjoying your time, attention, and affection.... she needs to invoke jealousy in you and wants to stick the knife in and watch what your eyes do when she twists it. The games may start out small like this but then she will continue and they will get worse. This is manipulation.

Also manipulation is a woman who tells you, "Oh I've had issues with jealous boyfriends in the past." That is an absolute CLASSIC female manipulation tactic that women who need more attention than one man can give them employ to try to put you into their frame. What she is really saying is, "I don't like it when guys are jealous when I disrespect them by flirting with other guys or hanging around other guys, so I KNOW you aren't going to be like them are you? You're going to give me all the room in the world I need to do whatever I want with other guys right?" I've had this happen to me before and so have many men here.

You can confront her about it in order to set a strong frame with her on what YOU are willing to accept and what YOUR boundaries are, with the chance that she will accept your frame and act accordingly. The problem with this is that she has basically already communicated to you exactly how she is going to respond to it: She is going to then accuse you of being jealous and insecure. If you choose this path, then you have to be fully ready for that response and do NOT let her try to convince you that you are jealous or "like the other guys or whatever." If she goes that route my reaction would be, "Well it sounds to me like the other guys weren't jealous but simply expected you to respect and honor your relationship with them and you aren't able to do that so you accuse them of being disrespectful instead of taking accountability for your behavior. If you did things to them like you are doing with me on Instagram then it isn't them who had the issue, it's you." And if she pushes back on that I'd simply say, "Listen, I don't think we are compatible. I wouldn't post instagram photos of me with other women at dinner and caption it, 'I only do this with the closest people' and I expect the same respect from you. If that doesn't work for you, best of luck!" And you have to be 100% willing to walk away if she doesn't accept your frame. You also need to do this completely calmly and no matter what she does or says to try to rile you up, you must remain calm.

I would ONLY do that if you've already had the exclusivity talk and this if for sure a relationship and all signs from her point that way. But I'm getting the sense that isn't the case here. It sounds to me like you are more invested in her than she is with you, that you are seeing more to this relationship than she is seeing, and that she still wants to play the field a bit and see what else is out there - or she might even be dating other guys right now. Has she brought up exclusivity to you? If not, then honestly there's nothing to be jealous of here. It's likely just her telling you that she's dating other guys.

Your next option, which is what I would do, is just relegate to her to plate status. Enjoy sleeping with her but step back and treat her like a plate ONLY. No favors, no doing thoughtful things, no trips, just hang out and hook up and that's it. I'd slowly back off the communication so that about the only communication I had with her was to setup dates that would lead to sex. This will only work for you if you don't have strong feelings for her and you truly believe you can treat her as a plate and stop investing. If you aren't honest with yourself about that, you're sailing into a world of hurt. I'm getting the sense you are more invested than you should be though so again, be honest with yourself here.

Your last option, if you can't stop investing in her is to simply eject. If you choose this option do not tell her why and do not let her trick you into thinking she gives AF. If she acts like she cares, she's really just seeing if her plan to make you jealous was successful... THAT'S what she cares about, not you.

 

[DonJuanjr]

Edit: pointless post

 

[oldmanofthesea]

What would the proper reply be to stay framed. Something like, "Yeah, I believe it... I've had slutty acting girlfriends in the past"

Depending on the girl, the conversation, what I thought about her, and how I felt things were going, I would probably have a direct conversation about it where, in response to her making the jealous ex statement, I asked her, "Interesting. How were they jealous exactly?" and really dig into that topic. Ask for specific examples so you can get an idea of what SHE thinks is acceptable behavior on her end when she's with a guy. You just have to know that she may not be completely honest with her stories (she may downplay her actions and exaggerate her exe's actions). But it could give you something to go on. If she gave an example that would represent a boundary crossing for me, I'd flat out tell her, calmly and without emotion. Something along the lines of, "Well I don't see that as jealousy, I see that as a guy standing up for his self-respect, because if you are in a relationship with him and he's communicated to you that he doesn't think you should be hanging out 1:1 with other guys and you do it anyway or don't respect his request, then that's not jealousy and it isn't something I'd accept either."

 

[DarKnight]

Thanks a lot for detailed replies.
She actually told some detailes about her previous relationship. She said her boyfriend was too hursh on her. He was even beating him just for looking at other guys and didn't even let her to have a short haircut.
We have not talked about exclusivity yet, but hold hands and I hold her waist while we walk etc. She kinda hugs my leg when we sit. etc. She obviously knows that we are currently entering relationship. I think such post showing her attachment to the past kinda works against what we are doing and is really strange. If the post was with a new guy. I would just understand that she seeing someone else and just stop meeting her.

Considering that there is no exclusivity is it still ok just to ask what this strange post is about ? Does she still has attachment to her previous relatiobships ? Just in a calm manner.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

This is the type of silliness that guys waste their time with. Find something to do and be busy. Looking at her Instagram accounts isn't worth your time.

 

[jamesfromhouston]

Hi Everyone
So I have met a new girl. We have had about 6 dates. She has told me several times that she has bad experiences with jelious boyfrend and the other one cheated on her. But she is over all of that now. I really like this girl and plan a ltr with her if everything goes well.
She once asked me to tell her how I would describe her in two words. She wanted to open instagram account. On the next date I asked her if she had created an account. She said yes. And told me I can follow her there. I opened her profile there were only two photos from her visit to Paris. Her gff works there. She invited here there in may. And she had a vacation there for a week. It was her second visit there. And one photos from our previous date. Just a table and glasses of wine, not us.
So what happened today is she posted one more photo from Paris there is tea and sweets on the table and hands of a guy. It looks like a date. She wrote that she loves tea and drinks it only with closest people.

I think this might be a sh1t test to test my jeliousy. Because this is really strange to post a two months old photo with a guy and write those words. Looks looks like she is not over someone or again this really might be **** test.
Is it ok to ignore it ? Would not she think that I am afraid just to open the topic ? Is it ok just to playfully ask her why she is posting such weird things ? And tell her that looks like she is not over something

Sounds to me like she maybe trying to get the attention of that guy.

In any case, sounds like she doesn't put you too highly in her world. If she was infatuated with you, she wouldn't be doing anything to risk it.

 

[DarKnight]

Sounds to me like she maybe trying to get the attention of that guy.

In any case, sounds like she doesn't put you too highly in her world. If she was infatuated with you, she wouldn't be doing anything to risk it.

I kinda doubt that she tries to get attention of that guy. Because there is only a few followers of that IG profile. And that guy is not even following her. Plus the fact that this guy is thousand miles away now. There is no way that they are going to meet sooner than a year or so.

But I agree on the fact that if she was serious about me, she would not risk that much. But there is something strange (fishy) going on here. That fact that she asked me how to call her profile and posting that kind of **** makes me think that she tries to get attention or just sh1t testing. My natural gut tells me

1) to make screenshot of that post, send it to her on whatsapp and make fun of that post. Like how stupid is posting old picture with guy and drinking tea only with closet people ? seriously ? I mean would you refuse tea if someone suggests it to you in a business meeting telling them that you drink it only with closest people ? Really sounds stupid to me. But I don't want to sound passive aggressive while doing this. And may be add comments like looks like she has some attachment issues. But doing this in a fun way while moking her.

2) or just ignore it. But this can make her think that I am afraid to confront with such things. And she can try even harder to get my attention or do some **** even worse than that. i.e post some picture with a guy in present etc. I don't want to skip a move here.

Currently we are in the stage of exploring each other. Honestly this kind of **** makes me doubt that she is worse ltr. But want to be sure. Maybe if I play cards right she will stop do this kind of sh1t.

 

[jamesfromhouston]

I kinda doubt that she tries to get attention of that guy. Because there is only a few followers of that IG profile. And that guy is not even following her. Plus the fact that this guy is thousand miles away now. There is no way that they are going to meet sooner than a year or so.

But I agree on the fact that if she was serious about me, she would not risk that much. But there is something strange (fishy) going on here. That fact that she asked me how to call her profile and posting that kind of **** makes me think that she tries to get attention or just sh1t testing. My natural gut tells me

1) to make screenshot of that post, send it to her on whatsapp and make fun of that post. Like how stupid is posting old picture with guy and drinking tea only with closet people ? seriously ? I mean would you refuse tea if someone suggests it to you in a business meeting telling them that you drink it only with closest people ? Really sounds stupid to me. But I don't want to sound passive aggressive while doing this. And may be add comments like looks like she has some attachment issues. But doing this in a fun way while moking her.

2) or just ignore it. But this can make her think that I am afraid to confront with such things. And she can try even harder to get my attention or do some **** even worse than that. i.e post some picture with a guy in present etc. I don't want to skip a move here.

Currently we are in the stage of exploring each other. Honestly this kind of **** makes me doubt that she is worse ltr. But want to be sure. Maybe if I play cards right she will stop do this kind of sh1t.

Well I'm not expert but honestly, if you were to screenshot and send it to her. It sounds pesky and makes it seem like you care too much.

At most I would just start to ghost her or go distance. It might get her hamster wheels spinning as she notices changes in your behavior, and she might link it to her disgressions.

If she doesn't, she might reach out and ask you why, you can nonchalantly just say "oh I thought you weren't serious because of the pic"

 

[oldmanofthesea]

She actually told some detailes about her previous relationship. She said her boyfriend was too hursh on her. He was even beating him just for looking at other guys and didn't even let her to have a short haircut.

Or so she says. You have to judge women by their actions not their words. Women live in their emotions and they *create* their reality based on responses to the emotions they are *currently* feeling. Her statements about her ex could be completely fabricated but she could believe them 100% because of how she feels emotionally about him. So her description about her ex are words, and her posting photos of her with another guy and ensuring she keeps you out of her photos, while at the same time ensuring you would see this.... those are ACTIONS.

We have not talked about exclusivity yet, but hold hands and I hold her waist while we walk etc. She kinda hugs my leg when we sit. etc. She obviously knows that we are currently entering relationship.

Holding hands, holding her waist, her holding your leg - none of that says relationship. That is simply physical intimacy and it's the kind of thing people do whether they are in a relationship or not. How soon it happens and how much it happens depends on the type of girl. But I disagree with your assumption that "she obviously knows that we are currently entering a relationship." That sounds to me like you are projecting your desire for a relationship onto her - that you want a relationship with her so you are assuming she does too and you are looking for any signs you can to confirm your own bias. Yet when she does something that you simply cannot use as a confirmation bias (such as her Instagram behavior), here you are - confused.

Considering that there is no exclusivity is it still ok just to ask what this strange post is about ? Does she still has attachment to her previous relatiobships ? Just in a calm manner.

Given all you've said, no. I would not ask her. As I've already mentioned, this is a manipulation tactic from her. Let's paint a best case scenario here, which is that she really likes you and wants a relationship with you but she isn't sure if that's what you want so she is going to test you with jealousy to see if you really "care about her." While you might be flattered by that, you shouldn't be, because even if you might like the fact that she wants you, the simple truth remains that this is manipulation and is not healthy. A healthy woman would simply bring up exclusivity to you. A man should always wait for the woman to try to lock him down. Women are about relationships and exclusivity. All she has to do is tell you how she feels and that she would like to be exclusive and have a relationship with you etc etc. But instead, she tries to lock you down by manipulating you through jealousy? Again, she will do this more in the future. And all this is if her wanting to lock you down is even what her intention truly is. For all we know, she could be dating several people, might not be ready for a relationship and this is how she indirectly tries to communicate that to you.... or who knows.

I would only entertain the last two options in my previous post, based on the additional information you've shared.