Hey everyone! A long-time lurker, first-time poster here.
I discovered this forum a couple of years ago after the break-up with my GF and I’m eternally grateful for all the information I got here. Now it’s my turn to give back and, hopefully, I'll not only analyze the situation I’m in but help others who may experience something similar. I won’t be posting the whole story, one could write a book about it, lol. I’ll only post particular conclusions and the context they were made at. It’s about dealing with a girl who has serious issues, i.e. low-quality material. I don’t pretend to be ideal myself but there are people with really huge mental problems. I think it was a valuable life lesson for me. I also don’t pretend I’m writing something new, I’m just trying to look closer at what I’ve been through.
So, let’s roll. Most of these are probably already well-known, so any additions and criticism are very welcome, I'm not immune from being wrong.
To name the most important thing I’ve learned: Think about yourself first. Be an a-hole, be indifferent, whatever helps you put yourself on a pedestal. It's one of the things they tell you constantly about in the DJ Bible and I forgot about it at some point.
Also I can't say this relationship was all about negativity, there were many positive moments and the best of them is it being a life lesson.
I discovered this forum a couple of years ago after the break-up with my GF and I’m eternally grateful for all the information I got here. Now it’s my turn to give back and, hopefully, I'll not only analyze the situation I’m in but help others who may experience something similar. I won’t be posting the whole story, one could write a book about it, lol. I’ll only post particular conclusions and the context they were made at. It’s about dealing with a girl who has serious issues, i.e. low-quality material. I don’t pretend to be ideal myself but there are people with really huge mental problems. I think it was a valuable life lesson for me. I also don’t pretend I’m writing something new, I’m just trying to look closer at what I’ve been through.
So, let’s roll. Most of these are probably already well-known, so any additions and criticism are very welcome, I'm not immune from being wrong.
- Be careful when you have a girl with lots of red flags as a FWB. Never have a person with serious issues for LTR. This particular girl has quite a bright personality which goes with LOTS, no, not LOTS but TONS of red flags. It’s easier to name the RFs she doesn’t have but I’ll do it for fun (in no particular order): an obvious cluster B (narcissist, unstable etc), friends with EXs + lots of male “friends” she regularly visits, claims to have had lots of men (she’s 27) and is proud of that, heavy drug user (smoking/sniffing types), always partying, attention hoe, posting nude pics online for everybody to see, has a couple of tattoos (but I personally don’t consider it a RF since it’s rather in vogue today to have a tattoo), was abused by a BF (or even several of them) she used to live with in another city, was sexually abused as a child by her mom’s BF (to the degree she hates fingering), grew up without a father for the most part, had only a stepdad for some time. I can list even more. Also, some of the people we both know warned me about this girl. The sex was fantastic and this was what made me keep seeing her. And we “dated” for about 5 months!
- They like it when you are rude to them and don’t ever put up with their shyt. I also didn’t take her out once, didn’t buy her any flowers etc. All we did was fckng, hanging out at my place, going to a supermarket nearby to buy something to eat and that’s pretty much it.
- If she says she doesn’t want to see you anymore (for whatever reason, it maybe LJBF and “positive” stuff like this) just reply “OK whatever”, act indifferently and wait until she is all over you again when you impress her in a social situation. Or she will not be all over you, so indifference is the key. She told me she didn't want to continue the second time we were supposed to fck (she flaked), a couple of days later I've impressed her at my gig (I'm a musician) and in several days she was back at my place fckng.
- Discuss the status of your relationship. If it’s FWB, tell her so, both of you will be happier as a result.
I didn’t and now I can’t say what it was: just a FWB or a girlfriend? She slept with another dude eventually but I can’t even say she cheated because we’ve never discussed what our relationship was. - She’ll always be complaining to you about stuff. No example needed, it’s a universal trait among women.
- But you are not allowed to complain to her! I started to do that when I began to become a wimp later in the relationship and now I regret it.
- If you keep her for sex only, hold your ground and make rules (most importantly, for yourself). In my situation, I was getting softer and softer because I allowed one girl to visit my place several times a week. Even though we had sex, I started to lose the perspective and to become used to her almost constant presence.
- Still hold your ground even when something unexpected happens. She suddenly felt pain when we were fcking. Turned out she had some serious problems with her locomotor system, had to undergo some expensive treatment and the doctors told her not to fck. We tried to do it from time to time anyway, it was painful but she still was happy to give me BJs. I started to care about her because of all that and treat her like a GF, like a person who was really important for me and who I must support in such a hard period of their life. I started to become more and more of a wimp, sending her messages asking how she’s feeling etc.
I was in a similar situation with another GF who I met just before I discovered SoSuave. She told me about her serious health problem of the past, several days later she felt sick with similar symptoms she had had previously (turned out to be nothing serious), I went balls to the wall to take care of her, several days later she dumped me. She also had a couple of red flags but it’s nothing in comparison to this one. But this FWB of mine also told me she had had some serious health issues in the past, so maybe it’s some common trait within certain women, I’ve got no idea.
Somebody mentioned stoic philosophy on this forum and it really does help you look at situations objectively. It's important to remember that in stoicism, there are things out of our control which mustn't influence our actions in any way. She got sick and it was out of my control, me writing lots of "How are you today" messages wouldn't help her feel better anyway, me becoming a wimp either. - Don’t give a fck about what she’s doing, where and with who she is now. She’s just a FWB with serious issues and you’d go crazy otherwise. If she's your GF, God help you.
- Be prepared for the most cynical moment(s) of your life. This girl couldn’t properly fck for two months (only BJs), I was caring about her, she was treating me like a BF as well etc. Everything was pretty obvious even though we hadn't discussed the status of our relationship and I couldn’t even think of dumping her because it would have been low by my standards. At some point, she told me she “was with another guy previous week”. And guess what - she says it was physically painful for her to have sex with him and she regrets it! Such people will do everything to cheat even on their deathbed. But again, look at #4, I can’t really say she cheated.
- Don’t believe all those “I wanna meet and discuss it” (the cheating, it is), “I can’t meet today, let’s do it tomorrow” (and the same phrase tomorrow and so on). I put up with this stuff for almost a month, can’t believe I did that. Started ignoring her eventually, I don’t read her messages, don’t answer her calls. She thought we remained friends, lol, and the minute she understood what I was onto she made posts in her social networks asking anybody to take her out on a date. Some girl commented under her post “Who is the guy who made you post this?” but my “GF” deleted this comment soon afterwards. It’s good to know she didn’t have a new branch by that time and I caught her off guard.
To name the most important thing I’ve learned: Think about yourself first. Be an a-hole, be indifferent, whatever helps you put yourself on a pedestal. It's one of the things they tell you constantly about in the DJ Bible and I forgot about it at some point.
Also I can't say this relationship was all about negativity, there were many positive moments and the best of them is it being a life lesson.
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