Help? no contact won't work.

[bennny05]

i have a problem.
what should i do when no contact with bpd ex gf who i broke up with, isn't possible?

as much as id like to shut my bpd ex gf out of my life entirely, i can't. not because im a sucker, but because we have a lot of mutual friends, including my band mates and friends from college. she is going to appear at my band's shows and at parties. last show, i asked her not to come before it and she complied until a mutual friend asked if she could show up after the show and i was drunk and said no problem. she showed up at 12am and by 2am i was crying. yea its weak, but something about seeing her makes me feel that way and while i had the strength to dump her and go no contact as much as possible, i need advice regarding when its not possible to go no contact... another example:

last week, after the show where she showed up and after re-cutting off contact, i got several calls and emails from her after a few days of nothing. i immediately deleted the calls and the emails. then i got an email from one of the guys in my band saying she was just trying to get in touch with me regarding a group gift idea for our mutual friends engagement. good thing = my band knows this girl is crazy and they are 'staying out of it.'

she planned the gift out. she had about 30 other people already in on it. i joined the group gift and saw her briefly at the bar and then left. but this was definitely not 'no contact' because i saw her, said hello, had a beer with my pals and left. ive already started going to the gym, seeing other women, focusing on ME. but to know that every time i see her i could just send her a txt and get a hot bj or sex in an hour AND to have all the bad memories resurface every time i see her, IS MY PROBLEM. I know that after several no contact attempts, i have failed because i can't actually go 'no contact for 75 days'. I BROKE UP WITH HER 3-4x already and end up getting hoovered back in because even tho i want to go no contact i still have to see her or otherwise drop out of my band which is probably my favorite hobby and the guys im in the badn with ive been friends with for 8 years. i was with the bpd ex for 1 year.

since she is close friends with my band mates [band is one of my favorite outlets and hobbies and have been playing with the guys for 8 years now], and some of my college pals, I'm stuck with a modified 'no contact' as in i don't respond personally to her communications with me but end up seeing her out and about. i won't quit the band. i want to quit her.

what should i do when no contact with her isn't possible?

 

[Wolfgang D]

but to know that every time i see her i could just send her a txt and get a hot bj or sex in an hour AND to have all the bad memories resurface every time i see her, IS MY PROBLEM.

I have been in that same situation, where you could call the girl and get sex any week you want, but you know it will all start over again then. It is tempting sometimes.

You see her often, so you are tempted even more. But you already know the answer, you shouldn't deal with her. Be a rock against which the waves of temptation break in vain.

Think like this:

1. You have already done her. Anything from then on won't be as good.
2. Every day you go without falling to temptation is a victory that builds character. Character is what you need for a lot of things. Congratulate yourself!
3. You are a man, whatever you do you should make it count. Getting back to a girl only for a rerun that won't lead anywhere, doesn't count. It doesn't add quality to your life. It doesn't help build the life you want to live.
4. Do something physical, like going for a walk. Physical things, especially exercise, help you get perspective on things and make you feel that you are back in the real world, where you know what matters and what doesn't. Getting out of the house is always a good way to deal with temptation. Temptation builds up in small rooms but evaporates out in the open.

 

[bennny05]

solid advice

very good advice. how long do u think its going to take before the temptation subsides? the worst part about it is that i think she knows that every time i bump into her at things or see her at events, that she gets to me. that i think is like having contact and is enough for her to know she 'won.'

im just looking to actually feel 'indifferent' about the situation. i know i don't want to continue, just hard not to.

 

[bennny05]

I have been in that same situation, where you could call the girl and get sex any week you want, but you know it will all start over again then. It is tempting sometimes.

You see her often, so you are tempted even more. But you already know the answer, you shouldn't deal with her. Be a rock against which the waves of temptation break in vain.

Think like this:

1. You have already done her. Anything from then on won't be as good.
2. Every day you go without falling to temptation is a victory that builds character. Character is what you need for a lot of things. Congratulate yourself!
3. You are a man, whatever you do you should make it count. Getting back to a girl only for a rerun that won't lead anywhere, doesn't count. It doesn't add quality to your life. It doesn't help build the life you want to live.
4. Do something physical, like going for a walk. Physical things, especially exercise, help you get perspective on things and make you feel that you are back in the real world, where you know what matters and what doesn't. Getting out of the house is always a good way to deal with temptation. Temptation builds up in small rooms but evaporates out in the open.

Thank you for your support. Your advice was rock solid. Took a few tries to get it in my head, but thank you.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

You're going to have a difficult time controlling your emotions as suggested if you continue drinking the way you have been describing. Alcohol makes it very difficult to be the rock.

Second, if your bandmates are truly your friends for 8+ years and they know she's nuts, I'd explain to them that you are trying to move on from her completely and that you'd appreciate if they wouldn't bring her up to you or act as her agent to help her get in touch with you.

No contact IS possible - you just don't communicate with her. If she is organizing a gift contribution thing, you don't participate. You don't acknowledge her when she shows up to things, you don't look at her, you don't give her the time of day and most importantly, you don't show her that it is having any effect on you. We are all human and there will be feelings that take time to heal after a year-long relationship. But those feelings are yours to work on and you need to do it privately, not for her to see and get satisfaction out of. Again, the drinking won't help you with that. Maybe this might be a good time to do a 30-day sobriety commitment to help get your mind right and keep your emotions in check while they are still raw.

It is very unfortunate that you have to keep seeing her like that. But you will get over it in time. Finding other girls you are into more than her will really help that. Also, even if you aren't going to leave the band, I suggest you expand your social circle out a bit and make an effort to make new friends and spend more time with them instead of the circles your ex runs in. I've found social circles have an expiration. I'm not saying yours is about to expire, but I am saying that one day it absolutely will so you can't get lazy about staying in the habit of making new friends and growing your circle.

 

[bennny05]

You're going to have a difficult time controlling your emotions as suggested if you continue drinking the way you have been describing. Alcohol makes it very difficult to be the rock.

Second, if your bandmates are truly your friends for 8+ years and they know she's nuts, I'd explain to them that you are trying to move on from her completely and that you'd appreciate if they wouldn't bring her up to you or act as her agent to help her get in touch with you.

No contact IS possible - you just don't communicate with her. If she is organizing a gift contribution thing, you don't participate. You don't acknowledge her when she shows up to things, you don't look at her, you don't give her the time of day and most importantly, you don't show her that it is having any effect on you. We are all human and there will be feelings that take time to heal after a year-long relationship. But those feelings are yours to work on and you need to do it privately, not for her to see and get satisfaction out of. Again, the drinking won't help you with that. Maybe this might be a good time to do a 30-day sobriety commitment to help get your mind right and keep your emotions in check while they are still raw.

It is very unfortunate that you have to keep seeing her like that. But you will get over it in time. Finding other girls you are into more than her will really help that. Also, even if you aren't going to leave the band, I suggest you expand your social circle out a bit and make an effort to make new friends and spend more time with them instead of the circles your ex runs in. I've found social circles have an expiration. I'm not saying yours is about to expire, but I am saying that one day it absolutely will so you can't get lazy about staying in the habit of making new friends and growing your circle.

That post was from 2011. 10 years later, my bandmates are still my close friends, and she's long gone. I did get over it in time, found other girls, took a few months off from the bars and the band when I was going through 'BPD ex detox'. Yoga, lifting, working my face off to get my job right, and taking time to heal were the right formula for me to move forward.


Literally, I can verify what you wrote is amazing advice. How? Because I took the steps you are outlining in 2011 - the help of a therapist and my bandmates and family was essential. This site, however, is an amazing tool. thank you for your kind response.

 

[Romanemp22]

That post was from 2011. 10 years later, my bandmates are still my close friends, and she's long gone. I did get over it in time, found other girls, took a few months off from the bars and the band when I was going through 'BPD ex detox'. Yoga, lifting, working my face off to get my job right, and taking time to heal were the right formula for me to move forward.


Literally, I can verify what you wrote is amazing advice. How? Because I took the steps you are outlining in 2011 - the help of a therapist and my bandmates and family was essential. This site, however, is an amazing tool. thank you for your kind response.

Depends on what effect did she put on aka how strong did it hit you but you can get over it in short span of time, at least I did when I dumped my BDP ex.

 

[deadmasterx]

First thing you gotta accept is that you can't control her. If she wants to stalk you and make hell on earth in your life, she will. If she wants to disappear or go to the same places you go, she will too. There's nothing you can do about that, maybe getting rid of your friends, but it doesn't sound quite like a good idea, right?

last week, after the show where she showed up and after re-cutting off contact, i got several calls and emails from her after a few days of nothing. i immediately deleted the calls and the emails. then i got an email from one of the guys in my band saying she was just trying to get in touch with me regarding a group gift idea for our mutual friends engagement. good thing = my band knows this girl is crazy and they are 'staying out of it.'

What I'd recommend, since No Contact doesn't seem to be a top option right now, is for you to keep things short with her. Doesn't matter if she's messaging you about something else or about you and her, keep it short. If she get lovey talkey wanting to get back, cut the talk off.

but to know that every time i see her i could just send her a txt and get a hot bj or sex in an hour AND to have all the bad memories resurface every time i see her, IS MY PROBLEM.

Alright, the dumbest thing you can do is keep on having sex with a girl after the breakup. There's still, wanting or not, a connection between you two, and the chances of something weird sparkling again and you falling her trap are huge. If she's a troublesome girl and you want to get rid of her (keep in mind that it's okay to want to **** her, miss some moments, etc) just cut AFFECTION with her. If you can't avoid her, treat her as someone you don't know. How do you treat the people that you don't know? You're polite, but you don't open yourself, neither wants the other person to start opening themselves (because it would be weird).

Follow this affective distance policy and you'll be more than fine.

And, if you want to **** her, give it some time until you're sure there little to no emotional bond with her, so you can keep things purely physical, with no "getting back together" stuff.