Need dread game advice.

[RyanSez]

Apparently my focus and drive to be a better man has triggered dread in my LT girlfriend, especially when it comes to me working out at the gym.
After a heated discussion (on her end) regarding these changes I've been making, she covertly accused me of bettering myself to attract younger women. In the next breath, she attempted to subtly shame me by insinuating that I was having a "mid-life crisis".

Had I not read Rollos book, I'd have been clueless as to what was happening. Thank you, St. Rollo of Tomassi!

As it stands, I'm not changing a thing. But I'd like advice from you experienced DJs out there. How can I best use her dread to my advantage when it comes to my self-improvement and are there any pitfalls or landmines I need to be aware of with dread game? We've been together for almost 10 years and have a 9 year old son together.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

You don't need to worry about instilling dread in her (she's doing that on her own in response to your working out), what you need to concern yourself with is handling her insecurity properly. You do this by setting boundaries - telling her you aren't doing anything wrong by improving your fitness, and that you won't accept her insulting you by saying you are having a midlife crisis or that you are trying to attract younger women. That insecurity is hers and she has to own it. You need to tell her that and if she can't let it go then you are going to distance yourself (silence and distance), and if she keeps it up, you'll eventually put enough distance between you that you fade away completely. You have to be willing to walk away from the relationship if she repeatedly crosses your boundaries.

 

[Serenity]

I don't like "dread game", but a set of reasonable boundaries and consequences for overstepping them must be in place. She can dread them, sure, but it's preferable that she just respects them.

If my wife accused me of improving my physical health for the purpose of attracting younger women and possibly cheating, I would amplify it. I would have told her "I may very well leave you for another woman if you continue to have a problem with me improving my physical health, not for her age or looks, but to have a woman who supports what's healthy for me".

That should push some buttons, that's all I can say. There's no way to counter that without being a sh!t person, directly painting her as being bad for your health if she takes issue with it.

Anyways, the fact that she acts this way to begin with is an indication of general trust issues and that probably didn't arise recently. She's the insecure one. I totally agree with @oldmanofthesea, if she persists in this matter after having tried our advice then you must be willing to walk away. If you're not willing to do that if it comes down to it then you will be stuck with a life of pain

 

[PRW63]

You don't need dread game as if it is some kind of "thing".

All it means is that your woman knows that you are desirable to other women and if she dumps you then you would have no trouble finding another.

But it has a tipping point...

Don't forget the #1 thing women want above all else,...Security & Safety. It comes from their natural maternal instinct for maintaining children. If she doesn't feel secure and thinks you are going to run off with another woman at the drop of a hat, then she will start to look for a "backup" guy to cover for you "just in case". Then at the first sign of trouble she will leave you for him.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

"I may very well leave you for another woman if you continue to have a problem with me improving my physical health, not for her age or looks, but to have a woman who supports what's healthy for me".

Damn that's good.

 

[Serenity]

Damn that's good.

Thanks. That's the subtle absurdity I see in this situation, assuming her suspicions are false, he has no ulterior motive and it's just about being fit and healthy. Not that being considered attractive by others is even wrong just by itself, it isn't.

Another one I might have pulled would be something equally absurd in the other direction like "what do you want? A fat, unhealthy and unattractive man? I don't intend to be that, you can have me or leave to find your dream slob". I probably would have given both of those replies and more to really emphasize how utterly absurd what she's saying really is in her role as a supposedly supportive life partner.

I always reply in this manner when someone communicates such absurd things. I do so calmly and rationally while I look at them like they're idiots for working against their own self-interest (who wouldn't want an attractive partner?).

 

[oldmanofthesea]

I've tried that approach and while satisfying, when dealing with the type of woman who is so insecure that she would lob the two accusations at you as described by the OP, it's never been of any use (in my own experience). But having said that.... I do find it makes it even easier to walk away from the relationship knowing that I laid things out quite clearly for her in a way that any reasonable person could see how ridiculous they were being, yet she still chose to ignore it and keep on with her accusations/complaints, so I know I did all I could.

 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

If her insecurity is manifesting in this way, that means she is far along in it and she has been stewing for a while more than likely.

In the great words of Patrice O'Neal, the best relationship for a man is when a woman is just a little bit uncomfortable; however you have to be careful when she is very uncomfortable, because it leads to searching for validation elsewhere.

 

[2Rocky]

I don't think you need to do anything more to amplify the dread. She just needs to be more constructive expressing her feelings. And you have to give her the tools to do that.

Listen you have not given her the ultimate commitment of a ring while raising your child together for 9 years. The way she sees it is you have one foot out the door already. If you are going to use the excuse of "Divorce rape", I'll remind you that right now she could leave you and the child support you would pay would be JUST AS MUCH as if you were married. You have had 9 years to gather some assets. They are immune to community property division.

Your child deserves married parents. Not dread game.

 

[ThisIsSparta]

Don't forget the #1 thing women want above all else,...Security & Safety. It comes from their natural maternal instinct for maintaining children. If she doesn't feel secure and thinks you are going to run off with another woman at the drop of a hat, then she will start to look for a "backup" guy to cover for you "just in case". Then at the first sign of trouble she will leave you for him.

The road to family courts is plastered with the souls of men that made their women feel "secure and safe", like they know they got you no matter what.

To keep a woman in line there is no substitute for competition anxiety/dread game.
If she gets a backup guy just because he gets in shape, she needs to hit the road anyway.

Some of you guys are way to insecure about yourself being the best man she can get.
Being scared that she could leave with another man, is the opposite of dread game, meaning you let your woman work dread game on YOU.

Listen you have not given her the ultimate commitment of a ring while raising your child together for 9 years. The way she sees it is you have one foot out the door already. If you are going to use the excuse of "Divorce rape", I'll remind you that right now she could leave you and the child support you would pay would be JUST AS MUCH as if you were married. You have had 9 years to gather some assets. They are immune to community property division.

Your child deserves married parents. Not dread game.

Sometimes your freedom and HEALTH is worth paying child support and lets be real, in most relationships, the man pays most bills allready in the family, so there wont be a lot of difference.

What the child deserves is a rolemodel father that is physically fit and isnt bossed and bullied around by his wife and her insecurities. There are lines in the sand and making drama about him hitting the gym is one of them. God knows what else she tells him not to do and he complys for the sake of keeping the peace.

 

[Aristippus]

Your "problem" is very easy to solve. It's not really a problem. If a woman acts jealous or says " I don't want you cheating on me. " or "You just exercise to get in shape for other women." the chances are pretty high that the both of you will be getting physical (kissing, sex,etc) that day or later that night.

All you have to do is tell her not to worry. That you won't cheat on her. Then kiss her hand or give her a hug and kiss. A few minutes or hours later when you walk by her at home, walk past her a little bit too close and brush by her or put your hand on her waist. Kiss her again. Men usually over-react to women's insecurities. Instead, if my wife says something or acts jealous I know the sex is pretty much guaranteed that day.

 

[manfrombelow]

Apparently my focus and drive to be a better man has triggered dread in my LT girlfriend, especially when it comes to me working out at the gym.
After a heated discussion (on her end) regarding these changes I've been making, she covertly accused me of bettering myself to attract younger women. In the next breath, she attempted to subtly shame me by insinuating that I was having a "mid-life crisis".

Had I not read Rollos book, I'd have been clueless as to what was happening. Thank you, St. Rollo of Tomassi!

As it stands, I'm not changing a thing. But I'd like advice from you experienced DJs out there. How can I best use her dread to my advantage when it comes to my self-improvement and are there any pitfalls or landmines I need to be aware of with dread game? We've been together for almost 10 years and have a 9 year old son together.

At 48, if you devote your energy, time, and effort into making yourself the better version of yourself - instead of trying to please your woman, of course she's gonna be pissed like the crazy and full of drama horsesh!t that she is.

 

[PRW63]

The road to family courts is plastered with the souls of men that made their women feel "secure and safe", like they know they got you no matter what.

It is plastered with men who ate a couple of meals a day and pooped at least once. It doesn't mean that eating and pooping put them in family court or that the solution is no eating or pooping ever again. They didn't end up in court for making the woman feel safe & secure,...it was for the dozens of other things they were doing wrong. A woman is not going to stay around because she feel unsafe and in danger of being abandoned,...or if she does that is one h*ll of an unhealthy relationship.

 

[ThisIsSparta]

It is plastered with men who ate a couple of meals a day and pooped at least once. It doesn't mean that eating and pooping put them in family court or that the solution is no eating or pooping ever again. They didn't end up in court for making the woman feel safe & secure,...it was for the dozens of other things they were doing wrong. A woman is not going to stay around because she feel unsafe and in danger of being abandoned,...or if she does that is one h*ll of an unhealthy relationship.

Off course they ended up there that way. They told their women that they love them to the moon and back and that they will never leave them because they are the most magnificent beings on this planet. The women felt super safe and were cheating and monkey branching happy ever after.

A woman has to know that her man has options (is attractive to other women) & is not afraid to walk away if she decides to act up.
However, this does NOT mean he will do it for no reason.

This off course does only work when you are of high enough value to her. If you are not, become a higher value man or find a woman that actually thinks you are of high value and is afraid to lose you.

 

[PRW63]

They told their women that they love them to the moon and back and that they will never leave them because they are the most magnificent beings on this planet.

That would not make them feel safe and secure. It would make them feel smothered and choked by some sappy guy who is not incontrol of his emotions. He would eventually as annoying, maybe a little disgusting. Being a SIMP isn't what making them feel safe and secure means.

 

[PRW63]

I disagree. To a point yes.
They also love
Chaos
Uncertainty
Danger
Mystery
Anxiety

The term security to a man means something very different to a woman. Anxiety is a good thing. Secure sex is boring sex to her.

Rollos says they also have a need for Indignation. I guess that means they always have to have something to complain to the GFs about.
Then let's not forget PMS and Menopause.