Oneitis and lockdown is destroying my life

[SayWhat]

Last year I met a girl, we hit it off, but never got to anything due to covid lockdown. I kinda ruined it after a few months because I got too needy (I always have this with people I'm interested in).

I've always been very weak socially, especially with girls I'm truly interested in, so I felt amazing that it was going so well. And then I fell into a depression because I ruined it. Due to strict lockdown in my country plus the fact I started living on my own half a year ago, my life has not been going so well. I'm in a downward spiral and I fear I'm ruining my career as well because all of this.

I used to have a nice body because I went to the gym every day and payed attention to my food. But the gyms have been basically closed for over a year and my physique is all gone. I go crazy at home, can't stop thinking about her, why I don't hear from her anymore. I tend to look for reasons why she does this, just to realize later I'm just fooling myself and I feel even worse. There this one girl (not that particularly hot, but not ugly) who I could invite over and she would fvck me, but I have no interest (even though I haven't got laid for such a long time I don't even dare to admit it here).

I sought professional help, but to no avail. I don't know what to do anymore.

I also don't know how to make this thread coherent, there is so much going on that I don't know where to start to explain.

 

[FlexpertHamilton]

What country are you in? If the restrictions are as bad as you say I can sympathize. Forgot women for the time being.

Learn to be content with what you have and take care of yourself. Lockdowns are no excuse to let yourself go, you can still eat right and do some basic exercises at home.

I'd consider looking into Stoicism, i have some book recommendations if you'd like. Also I'd suggest writing down specific goals and plans/routines for attaining them. I've been very reclusive for much of the lockdown especially when everything was closed down, but I kept my sanity by still maintaining some semblance of structure in my life.

 

[Kotaix]

This is another case of compulsive thinking. I was in the same situation a few years ago and was slowly driving myself crazy, but I was able to find a solution.

Your mind is your own worst enemy right now, all you need to do is learn to quiet your mind and the problem will stop. Stoicism, buddhism and zen are really good fields of study to help with this. You can't rationalize your way out of your problem because your mind is the problem. You're punishing yourself with reasons why you screwed up and reliving a one-itis fantasy world in your head. None of these things are real.

read/listen to The power of Now by eckhart tolle, zen mind beginner's mind by shunryu suzuki and listen to lectures by alan watts.

I can tell you from experience that the problem can and does go away very suddenly when you manage to quiet your mind

 

[corrector]

Try Jesus.

 

[SirBigBell]

The very nucleus of your issues here is neediness. You become needy and put the woman on a pedestal. The woman senses this and immediately thinks you are not equals since you need her more than she needs you. Women like to look up to strong men, to feel like they have to earn being desired, to feel like they are the weaker sex and you’re there to protect and stabilise them. When you display neediness you immediately ruin this expected power structure in their minds and they continue their search for someone who can deliver.

Women like to feel looked after because mentally they are children really. When you act needy, you display a child-like vulnerability that forces them into a “parental” position. They dont like the burden of being the stronger one in the relationship.

Cut out the neediness, and pretend if you have to, and everything will slot into place for you.

 

[Realthangpoon]

Get your focus off the girl.
- start eating right
- get a fixed hour for sleeping and getting up
- do the physical exercises you can at home. Get resistance bands, a pull up bar and some dips bar. 100 euros/dollars will get you set
- indeed start reading into buddhism/stoicism like mentioned above
- meditate
- go for walks when you can

u can get out of this brah, but you have to want to.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

No. You are simply using this as an excuse for you not doing things and being lazy. Plenty of ways to stay in shape without the gym. Heavy resistance bands and bodyweight exercises are one easy one. Plenty of ways to do cardio without the gym. A single stair can be used very effectively going one foot up followed by the other and then back down again. Do 3 sets of 10 minutes and you will be gasping for air after you are done. Then start adding in sets of BW squats, burpees, mountain climbers, planks, etc after each 10 minute set.

Noone is forcing you to eat pizza, take out, processed foods and bags of chips. You can start eating healthy and invest in yourself. If you are busy during the week spend Sunday and make big batches of food to eat during the week. It will take about 2 hours. Or do easy things like chicken, rice and veggies...oatmeal, berries and protein powder with some olive or flaxseed oil...salads with a bunch of veggies and grilled chicken with pumpkin seeds and olive oil...etc etc etc...

You need to refocus your energy and to start actually doing these things FOR YOU because as I am seeing it you are doing those things for someone else and since there is nobody else right now you aren't doing them.

Shift your mindset and stop looking for excuses to use.

YOU are ruining your own life not lockdown or COVID. YOU have the ability to reverse course.

You are not helpless in all of this. Stop playing the role of the victim and take control of your life.

 

[Modern Man Advice]

No. You are simply using this as an excuse for you not doing things and being lazy. Plenty of ways to stay in shape without the gym. Heavy resistance bands and bodyweight exercises are one easy one. Plenty of ways to do cardio without the gym. A single stair can be used very effectively going one foot up followed by the other and then back down again. Do 3 sets of 10 minutes and you will be gasping for air after you are done. Then start adding in sets of BW squats, burpees, mountain climbers, planks, etc after each 10 minute set.

You need to refocus your energy and to start actually doing these things FOR YOU because as I am seeing it you are doing those things for someone else and since there is nobody else right now you aren't doing them.

Shift your mindset and stop looking for excuses to use.

YOU are ruining your own life not lockdown or COVID. YOU have the ability to reverse course. You are not helpless in all of this.

This is the best advice here. @SayWhat forget everything else said here and focus on this advice.

Modern Man Advice

 

[oldmanofthesea]

What do you think is on the other side of the mountain of your wildest dreams that specifically involves women? Have you really thought about it in detail?

Imagine you meet the hottest woman you've ever seen. And you have sex with her. And you date her. And you get into a relationship with her. How do you imagine that to be? I would be that you have never really sat down and tried to imagine exactly what that would look like... have you? Or maybe you have, but not intentionally and not with a lot of critical and realistic though. You just have little images - snapshots like photos that float through your mind about how wonderful it would be. I'm telling you to REALLY think about it now - Just how amazing and wonderful do you think it could be? Do you think it's going to be the cure to all your ills? The key to the happiness that is escaping you? Have you ever heard from a man who was depressed and unmotivated that getting with an amazing woman fixed all that for him? No you haven't heard that because it has literally never happened in the history of mankind. You get a woman and things become harder. You get some great benefits of being in a relationship, sure, but net-net, the only men who can survive a relationship are men who are already strong, happy, and satisfied. Women will test you constantly with their uncontrollable emotions that make no sense to you. You have to learn to deal with them and understand how they think and more importantly how their emotions compel them and as a result, how best to respond to them to maintain harmony while ultimately being able and willing to walk away knowing that it may mean leaving a 9 behind and being single for a while because it's better for your mental health. You can't do ANY that if you are insecure, have no life, have no friends, have no passions, and are depressed.

I'm 45 now. I've had my way with more really hot and fit early 20's women in the last three or four years than I had in all of my 20's and 30's combined. And I'm telling you, it's nice, but it doesn't solve any problems for you and it doesn't bring you happiness. If you got with the hottest girl you'd ever met and miraculously things worked out for months, it would go to sh*t because you aren't right in your own mind. Women do not bring happiness. Period. Your problem isn't women. Your problem is happiness and getting your mind right. Until you do, you'll never be truly happy and you'll never have a woman.

I'm happy to help you take the steps to dig yourself out of the hole, by giving you some specific direction and things to try, but you have to truly want to take action and do it, and not sit around and make excuses and feel sorry for yourself. Trust me, I was in your position, but worse - after a divorce. You can do it. You just have to want to, and be willing to take action.

 

[DEEZEDBRAH]

Last year I met a girl, we hit it off, but never got to anything due to covid lockdown. I kinda ruined it after a few months because I got too needy (I always have this with people I'm interested in).

I've always been very weak socially, especially with girls I'm truly interested in, so I felt amazing that it was going so well. And then I fell into a depression because I ruined it. Due to strict lockdown in my country plus the fact I started living on my own half a year ago, my life has not been going so well. I'm in a downward spiral and I fear I'm ruining my career as well because all of this.

I used to have a nice body because I went to the gym every day and payed attention to my food. But the gyms have been basically closed for over a year and my physique is all gone. I go crazy at home, can't stop thinking about her, why I don't hear from her anymore. I tend to look for reasons why she does this, just to realize later I'm just fooling myself and I feel even worse. There this one girl (not that particularly hot, but not ugly) who I could invite over and she would fvck me, but I have no interest (even though I haven't got laid for such a long time I don't even dare to admit it here).

I sought professional help, but to no avail. I don't know what to do anymore.

I also don't know how to make this thread coherent, there is so much going on that I don't know where to start to explain.

Needy is low T. Stop that and or get T checked.

You aren't the only 1 where options ran dry or prospects went cold cause of lock down. Started several but lock down embedded separation killing momentum. It's life.

Volume is key. Shoot your shot off rip. Options are gold.

Girl eye ****ed me at hot tub and pool at my gym. She had a man despite giving her digits. They are NEVER what you think. Never try to assume that you know her or what she's about.