Girlfriends ex ****buddy? How to react

[FJA]

It´s already a bad sign that she 1) wants to meet her (ex-)f***buddy again and 2) she needs you to set boundaries........wtf. She behaves like a child. In your case I would tell her that the she can contact you again when she can prove that she´s not a child anymore. In the meanwhile you start dating other girls, so it can be that you are not interested in her anymore.

 

[Atom Smasher]

This sh!t shouldn't even be happening at age 35. This is high school drama.

The very fact that she thought it was OK to see this guy is appalling. A total deal-breaker. She should at least suffer the consequences of a temporary breakup because of this. This girl needs to be dealt with with a strong hand.

These women get away with this disrespectful behavior because they're allowed to by us men.

The fact that she needed to hear you ask how she would feel if you wanted to see your ex, in order to understand your point of view, is astoundingly troubling. This is not self-evident to this woman? On what planet is it proper to propose going out on a date with an ex while in a committed relationship?

We men are charged with guiding women out of their innate stupidity with guidance and discipline. But they rarely get that from men. A man's authority and his expectations need to be clearly set very early on.

That is what works, fellas. That is what eliminates drama and disrespectful behavior.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

I don't see how this is the case when she has "cover" to go and hang with exes whenever she wants.

Terrible and will cheat. In these situations it's straught HOLLYWOOD. You need enough action of your own that over powers hers. Like sime celebrity.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Stop L Y I N G, and pretending you're "cool" with everything she does....until you have her locked down. Don't be a f ucking hypocrite! I'm not telling you to be cool with it. I'm saying to STOP PRETENDING to be cool with it. There are double-standards for men and women; boo-fvckin-hoo! Stop pretending to be a male feminist, and then turning into Mike Pence, once you decide to be exclusive.

Look. I f ucked around with a lot of girls of questionable character, when I was young and f ucking around...but I NEVER would've even considered becoming exclusive, shacking up, making babies with, or Heaven forbid...marrying those girls! Anytime they brought it up, I would just laugh it off like they were joking. If you want to find a girl to marry, stop messing around with slvts. If you just wanna have fun, don't get confused!

It's a whole lot easier to lay down the law, when you never let her think it was ok for girls to act like guys!

Men are forced to keep a stiff upper lip. Tho some men like prettyboydee cheat so much they could care less what a female do. I understand.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

You don't have to "cheat" if you were never exclusive...and when you're looking for someone to be exclusive with, some chick who was cheating on her fiance with YOU isn't it.

You know what i mean have enough action that her exploits don't matter

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

@LARaiders85 @Danger

You two arguing about whether to set boundaries or not is one such thing that falls in the grey area. On the one side, you have people who say to set boundaries so that they know not to cross them and know where you limit is, and so as to not test that limit. On the other side though, you have people who say not to set boundaries because then she’ll either think you’re needy and lose attraction for you, or she’ll be more secretive about what she does and just start hiding suspicious behavior from you. Both sides hold merit.

But like most things in life, nothing is really black and white. There’s a grey area, and lots of it, with many different shades in between. And when things are in these grey areas, that’s where the fine intricacies really start to matter. When in these situations, how you do something tends to be much more important than what you do.

In which case, I’ll refer the both of you to this thread here:

The Importance of the Philosophical Conversation

I see a lot of posters lamenting how their girlfriend has gained weight, or is misbehaving in any number of ways. Perhaps she is flirting with other men; perhaps she is sloppy around her house; maybe she feels she has a "right" to speak disrespectfully to you when she is in a bad mood or...

www.sosuave.net

It incorporates how to properly set boundaries without coming off as needy, and without ‘showing your hand’, as you said previously LARaiders85. Doing it this way ingrains the relationship boundaries into her subconscious without making her feel like you’re watching her for things she shouldn’t do (since doing it this way sets the boundaries indirectly).

 

[Maxinulm]

Update on the topic:
She cancelled the trip to her "ex ****buddy" after i told her what i thought about it.

Yes she cheated! With at least one other guy. You were right.
Has daddy issues and and a severe attention (=c*ck)seaker! A new male friend appeared mysteriously and the first time a saw how they interacted at a party i knew 100% they were/have been ****ing. It was a boat party and she floated on a matress, he swam to her, got on the matress and kind of "bend over her" and whispered something in her ear (the way you do it if you say something like "i f*cking enjoyed licking you wet p*ssy yesterday..."). Thats when i used my IT skills to get more info. She and a female friend both ****ed a pilot each while on vacation at the very beginning of our relationship. And they met again for a hotel stay over two months after that in another city. And she told me she that she was on advanced training for a job there.
Found out last summer and dumped her.
Had some fun an travelled here in europe while it was still possible.
After that a saw her again, but we didnt have a relationship. This was conveniant because of the lockdown. She tried hard to force me back into a realtionship and seemed to really want to make it work. But when she opens her mouth she is lying all the time.
She even pulled the "i am pregnant" card. After i totally cut contact. When i suggusted that i bring over a pregnancy test and we do it immediately, she tried to gaslight "You are such a controlling psycho...". At this moment i knew she was lying...
And i am pretty sure, she hast got some drug issues as well. Cocaine...

So many lies. You wouldnt believe it.


So what do I learn of all this:
Always trust your gut!
Believe actions, not words.
Girls with daddy issues = good for a short ball drain, but nothing more

Anythin else you would add? I want to learn and become better


BTW: ATM i have a fling with a 23 year old brazilian Au pair. Never had such a hot girl. I think she is using me to make her friend with benefits jealous. But i already ****ed her. And she sent me a voice message that this summer she wants to go on my sailing boat with me and make photos for her insta... She totally uses me for my resources (=boat), but i can totally live with that. Simple exchange of resources...
Really strange. Was never able to attract as hot females as now. And I am mid 30s...
BTW I am not rich. Only above average salary and bought a decent old boat together with two male friends. Renovated it... Status definitely seems to work.

Asked my male friends if they ever got ***** because of their BMWs or Mercedess. Everyone of them stated that it never worked. Somehow with a 50 year old renovated wooden sailing boat, it works. So choose wise how you invest your "showing off" money

 

[RangerMIke]

You react by not reacting.

If it bothers you then walk away. If it doesn't bother you then forget about it.

Periodically we get into these 'boundary' debates, the simple truth is that if you are wondering what to do about a chick that is already pushing you past your comfort level you are already losing. You are already with a chick that isn't going to be right for you. If a woman's past (BTW they ALL have a past) is something you can not get over then YOU are the problem, and until you can get to the point where you just do not give a fvck about what chicks do when they aren't with you, then you are better off not dating.

If a chick wants to keep dudes she used to fvck orbiting around her, she is going to do it. If you confront her about it... she might stop for awhile... but eventually... bit by bit she will slip back into this behavior... and you'll have to deal with it down the line. These chicks are fine to date and have fun with, but trying to make a 'relationship' work with one of these creatures is just added stress and stupidity to your life.

Bottom line, if a woman REALLY wants you... you are not going to have to 'set boundaries' she will self police her behavior. Look... women are not stupid. She knows that being around dudes she used to fvck bothers you, trust me... if you don't like it... she knows. The fact that she is doing this anyway will tell you everything about where she sees you in her life.

When you confront her about this... she'll say, "Wow, I didn't know this bothered you... okay I'll stop." But inside what she is thinking is "HA! Now I have some leverage over this chump! How can I use this to my advantage!" This is if she really likes you. If she's sort of on the fence about you, which BTW is the most likely scenario she with think to herself that you are on your way out.

To a chick, jealousy is a double edged sword. If she wants you, it's a tool to control you... if she isn't sure, or doesn't really see you as anything long term, it becomes a reason to dump you. That's why they do this sh!t, it helps them figure out how they feel about you. Women by and large (there are always exceptions) are emotionally driven... she isn't really sure about anything until she feels it. You have to let her figure this out emotionally.

The best way to do this is to give her space and let her feel what she is thinking. If she's still friends with causal hook-ups... and you don't like it... put some distance between you two... if she likes you she'll self correct... if she doesn't... well she'll just let you drift off and start fvcking these dudes again. Mirror her behavior and see what happens... keep female friends around you, if she asks, just tell her they are quality 'back-ups'... let her tell you she wants exclusivity... then you can start to negotiate. It has to be her idea or it's not going to work.

 

[Maxinulm]

You react by not reacting.

If it bothers you then walk away. If it doesn't bother you then forget about it.

Periodically we get into these 'boundary' debates, the simple truth is that if you are wondering what to do about a chick that is already pushing you past your comfort level you are already losing. You are already with a chick that isn't going to be right for you. If a woman's past (BTW they ALL have a past) is something you can not get over then YOU are the problem, and until you can get to the point where you just do not give a fvck about what chicks do when they aren't with you, then you are better off not dating.

If a chick wants to keep dudes she used to fvck orbiting around her, she is going to do it. If you confront her about it... she might stop for awhile... but eventually... bit by bit she will slip back into this behavior... and you'll have to deal with it down the line. These chicks are fine to date and have fun with, but trying to make a 'relationship' work with one of these creatures is just added stress and stupidity to your life.

Bottom line, if a woman REALLY wants you... you are not going to have to 'set boundaries' she will self police her behavior. Look... women are not stupid. She knows that being around dudes she used to fvck bothers you, trust me... if you don't like it... she knows. The fact that she is doing this anyway will tell you everything about where she sees you in her life.

When you confront her about this... she'll say, "Wow, I didn't know this bothered you... okay I'll stop." But inside what she is thinking is "HA! Now I have some leverage over this chump! How can I use this to my advantage!" This is if she really likes you. If she's sort of on the fence about you, which BTW is the most likely scenario she with think to herself that you are on your way out.

To a chick, jealousy is a double edged sword. If she wants you, it's a tool to control you... if she isn't sure, or doesn't really see you as anything long term, it becomes a reason to dump you. That's why they do this sh!t, it helps them figure out how they feel about you. Women by and large (there are always exceptions) are emotionally driven... she isn't really sure about anything until she feels it. You have to let her figure this out emotionally.

The best way to do this is to give her space and let her feel what she is thinking. If she's still friends with causal hook-ups... and you don't like it... put some distance between you two... if she likes you she'll self correct... if she doesn't... well she'll just let you drift off and start fvcking these dudes again. Mirror her behavior and see what happens... keep female friends around you, if she asks, just tell her they are quality 'back-ups'... let her tell you she wants exclusivity... then you can start to negotiate. It has to be her idea or it's not going to work.

Thank you for your reply.
But the funny thing is, the one "dude from the past" is the only thing i am pretty sure she handled in kind of a good way after i told her how i felt about it. Problem were the other dudes i didnt know about. She definitely ****ed some at the beginning of our relationship and maybe even more after that.

But you are right that i should have acted according to my gutfeeling and draw back when she even asked me about the dude from the past. Nonetheless she was the one who wanted to be exclusive at the beginning and asked. But for her it was kind of oneway

 

[RangerMIke]

But you are right that i should have acted according to my gutfeeling and draw back when she even asked me about the dude from the past. Nonetheless she was the one who wanted to be exclusive at the beginning and asked. But for her it was kind of oneway

Good. She has to ask, and when she does, that is really the only time you should lay down conditions. It should be the only time you set conditions. If you didn't do that... and you want to make things work with this chick... well.... under normal circumstances I wouldn't say do this, but at this point WTF, I suppose it won't hurt. Go back to her and say "Look we really didn't have this discussion when we agreed to exclusivity, but if this is going to work I need to tell you what I need, and give you a chance to let me know what you need. If neither of us can work within this then we should just go back to causal dating."

Then see what she does... if she likes you she'll be receptive, she might even appreciate it. But you can not go to her with the attitude that you are laying down the law or you are walking... it's a negotiation. You can not act like a bvtt hurt little b!tch, and start saying "I don't like this, I don't like that." Make it about what you need, and communicate emotionally.... NEVER put things in such a way that you are demanding that she do certain things... you let her know what you need, then let her come to the conclusion that she is willing to do this. It's the difference between saying "I don't want you having anything to do with dudes you've fvcked in the past." and saying "In my experience, 'relationships' do not work with exes floating around in the background, this happened to me once....." then tell her a story. Story telling is a great way to communicate emotionally with women.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

At the end of the day if this woman respects you and respects the relationship with you she won't do anything with this guy.

If she doesn't there is literally nothing you can do that will prevent her from doing it. No amount of talking, guilt tripping, putting the same scenario back on her, etc is going to make any difference in the end, it may only delay it.

I know this type of guy. He views it as a game that he has to "win" by getting her to cheat on you and have you two break up. That is his end goal, nothing else. He doesn't give a crap about her. He gets his sense of satisfaction and self-worth by showing he has the power to make women cheat on their boyfriends with him and it is a huge ego boost for him.

I hate to say it but this is has a high probability of not ending the way you'd hope. At the very least you have to be on your A+ game while he is making these attempts.

Also...be very aware that she may do things behind your back and not tell you and not want to break up with you...kind of a "have her cake and eat it too" thing. Just be vigilant and if your gut tells you something is off, listen and pay close attention.

Best of luck brother. Please keep us updated on how this plays out.

 

[Jake_Gyllenhaal69]

If she respected you she would've ghosted him. How many times has this happened to you or you've seen it on here where everything was going fine and the girl becomes wishy washy and flakey. Next her behind lol.

 

[Barrister]

This should be a non-issue. The fact it isn’t means the relationship’s days are numbered. I would eject now to maintain your dignity and also raise your SMV by dumping a hot chick.

 

[Maxinulm]

I think you are getting something wrong here: As stated in my previous post I already ended the relationship last summer because of her f*ckery. Only met her pretty often the last few months and it kind of could have become more again. But she ****ed up because of several small lies. And she even stole from me. That was the point where i went ne contact and blocked...

Also...be very aware that she may do things behind your back and not tell you and not want to break up with you...kind of a "have her cake and eat it too" thing. Just be vigilant and if your gut tells you something is off, listen and pay close attention.

Best of luck brother. Please keep us updated on how this plays out.

Yes, she is that kind of girl! 100%.