Another Sexless LTR - How to stay?

[MrPwr]

G'day!
I recently dropped a red, and it hit bloody hard.

I have been in an LTR with a bird for 4+ years.
For years I have, like a good little AFC, accepted her rejections for sex and her reasoning as fair and that her needs (though frustrating) came before mine, even being a good little worker slave, built her a new kitchen and got a "thanks."
Late last year I proposed. Not sure if I subconsciously thought that she was not-intimate because I wasn't showing enough commitment, or for some other silly reason.

Dropped a giant rock on her dainty hand, well more than I could afford.
I got a "yes" and a pash and that was it. But I was still blue pilled, so I didn't put up a fight.

But after a few months it was unbearable.
With few other options and the social conditioning of "talking will make it better" I reverted to overtly communicating my dissatisfaction with her lack of interest/attraction/sex.
I have never, in any relationship, had to beg for it. But I did, and felt so gross that It turned me off.
This was my lowest point and I went looking for answers and found the manosphere.

I read "laws of attraction" and a colleague put me on to "the rational male" which were my red pill.

I am an undergrad, still with 2yrs to complete.
I have a good job/employer but I also can't work much due to studies. The more I work, the less study I get done. and the sooner I graduate, the sooner I can make BANK.

Right now I am ENTIRELY living in her frame. She currently earns a lot, has her house with equity and is the provider in our relationship. It wasn't always the case, when we met I was in the early stages of my career working full time and completely independent.

She is 33 (im 30) and wants kids, and we agreed that if kids were on the table for us that my degree would happen now or never, and better for the kids for it to happen. So we agreed that she would work and I would live rent free with her to get my degree asap so her eggs don't shrivel up.

Then the sex stopped like someone flipped a switch. She was never highly sexual, but when we lived apart I was at least getting it a few times a month. Which even back then I was dissatisfied with but our vastly different schedules were mostly to blame.

How do I get out of her frame, and get her into mine, is it salvageable?
Or am I better off splitting now, while she still has a chance to have kids with someone else/on her own? << This is a big issue for me. I don't want to **** her over. She is still very important to me.
We might as well be housemates. Actually I have had housemates that I ****ed more.
I would rather stay, and fix it. We have literally no other issues than her lack of attraction for me at present.

TLDR:
She is the breadwinner - I am in her frame
I'm nearing my peak SMV - she is on her way down
She is not ****ing - I want the sexytime

Thanks for making it through that novel!

 

[mrgoodstuff]

G'day!
I recently dropped a red, and it hit bloody hard.
I just turned 30, and I have never had any issues wrangling shielas.
Im a 6'3", pretty, blue eyed brunnette, athletic f**ker, who is also incredibly modest.
At one point I was told "You could literally have any girl you want" and it wasn't my mum saying that!

I have been in an LTR with a bird who is very much a "good girl" for 4+ years and a blue pill toss the whole time.
For years I have, like a good little AFC, accepted her rejections for sex and her reasoning as fair and that her needs (though frustrating) came before mine, even being a good little worker slave, built her a new kitchen and got a "thanks."
Late last year I proposed. Not sure if I subconsciously thought that she was withholding sex because I wasn't showing enough commitment, or for some other silly reason.

Dropped a giant rock on her dainty hand, well more than I could afford.
I got a "yes" and a pash and that was it. But I was still blue pilled, so I didn't put up a fight.

But after a few months it was unbearable.
With few other options and the social conditioning of "talking will make it better" I reverted to overtly communicating my dissatisfaction with her lack of interest/attraction/sex.
I have never, in any relationship, had to beg for it. But I did, and felt so gross that It turned me off.
This was my lowest point and I went looking for answers and found the manosphere.

I read "laws of attraction" and a colleague put me on to "the rational male" which were my red pill.

I am an engineering undergrad, still with 2yrs to complete.
I have a good job/employer who can't get enough of me (engineering firm) but I also can't work much due to studies. The more I work, the less study I get done. and the sooner I graduate, the sooner I can make BANK.

I have a massive earning potential (mining in australia is pretty lucrative)... but right now I am ENTIRELY living in her frame. She currently earns a lot, has her house with equity and is the provider in our relationship. It wasn't always the case, when we met I was in the early stages of my career working full time and completely independent.

She is 33 and wants kids, and we agreed that if kids were on the table for us that my degree would happen now or never, and better for the kids for it to happen. So we agreed that she would work and I would live rent free with her to get my degree asap so her eggs don't shrivel up.
Then the sex stopped like someone flipped a switch. She was never highly sexual, but when we lived apart I was at least getting it a few times a month. Which even back then I was dissatisfied with but our vastly different schedules were mostly to blame.

How do I get out of her frame, and get her into mine, is it salvageable?
Or am I better off splitting now, while she still has a chance to have kids with someone else/on her own? << This is a big issue for me. I don't want to **** her over. She is still very important to me.
I know that If I leave I would have zero issues "doing better" than my current. Like she is fine as hell, but we might as well be housemates. Actually I have had housemates that I ****ed more.
I would rather stay, and fix it. We have literally no other issues than her lack of attraction for me at present.

TLDR:
She is the breadwinner - I am in her frame
I'm nearing my peak SMV - she is on her way down
She is withholding sex - I want the sexytime

Thanks for making it through that novel!

We don't like "withholding" around here. The real reason its done is pretty bad. She can do it if she wants but chooses not to. She doesn't think you will go anywhere and you can't make her.

 

[RickTheToad]

G'day!
I recently dropped a red, and it hit bloody hard.
I just turned 30, and I have never had any issues wrangling shielas.
Im a 6'3", pretty, blue eyed brunnette, athletic f**ker, who is also incredibly modest.
At one point I was told "You could literally have any girl you want" and it wasn't my mum saying that!

I have been in an LTR with a bird who is very much a "good girl" for 4+ years and a blue pill toss the whole time.
For years I have, like a good little AFC, accepted her rejections for sex and her reasoning as fair and that her needs (though frustrating) came before mine, even being a good little worker slave, built her a new kitchen and got a "thanks."
Late last year I proposed. Not sure if I subconsciously thought that she was withholding sex because I wasn't showing enough commitment, or for some other silly reason.

Dropped a giant rock on her dainty hand, well more than I could afford.
I got a "yes" and a pash and that was it. But I was still blue pilled, so I didn't put up a fight.

But after a few months it was unbearable.
With few other options and the social conditioning of "talking will make it better" I reverted to overtly communicating my dissatisfaction with her lack of interest/attraction/sex.
I have never, in any relationship, had to beg for it. But I did, and felt so gross that It turned me off.
This was my lowest point and I went looking for answers and found the manosphere.

I read "laws of attraction" and a colleague put me on to "the rational male" which were my red pill.

I am an engineering undergrad, still with 2yrs to complete.
I have a good job/employer who can't get enough of me (engineering firm) but I also can't work much due to studies. The more I work, the less study I get done. and the sooner I graduate, the sooner I can make BANK.

I have a massive earning potential (mining in australia is pretty lucrative)... but right now I am ENTIRELY living in her frame. She currently earns a lot, has her house with equity and is the provider in our relationship. It wasn't always the case, when we met I was in the early stages of my career working full time and completely independent.

She is 33 and wants kids, and we agreed that if kids were on the table for us that my degree would happen now or never, and better for the kids for it to happen. So we agreed that she would work and I would live rent free with her to get my degree asap so her eggs don't shrivel up.
Then the sex stopped like someone flipped a switch. She was never highly sexual, but when we lived apart I was at least getting it a few times a month. Which even back then I was dissatisfied with but our vastly different schedules were mostly to blame.

How do I get out of her frame, and get her into mine, is it salvageable?
Or am I better off splitting now, while she still has a chance to have kids with someone else/on her own? << This is a big issue for me. I don't want to **** her over. She is still very important to me.
I know that If I leave I would have zero issues "doing better" than my current. Like she is fine as hell, but we might as well be housemates. Actually I have had housemates that I ****ed more.
I would rather stay, and fix it. We have literally no other issues than her lack of attraction for me at present.

TLDR:
She is the breadwinner - I am in her frame
I'm nearing my peak SMV - she is on her way down
She is withholding sex - I want the sexytime

Thanks for making it through that novel!

Yet, you call yourself pretty. There's your first issue. They way you project yourself on to others; and I found that out by just reading the 1st few words of your post.

 

[MrPwr]

Yet, you call yourself pretty. There's your first issue. They way you project yourself on to others; and I found that out by just reading the 1st few words of your post.

And here I thought that context might be useful, rather than paint me as an arrogant jerk.

 

[MrPwr]

We don't like "withholding" around here. The real reason its done is pretty bad. She can do it if she wants but chooses not to. She doesn't think you will go anywhere and you can't make her.

What is the appropriate vernacular?

 

[RickTheToad]

And here I thought that context might be useful, rather than paint me as an arrogant jerk.

If you re-read it without an emotional response, then you'd find it useful. It wasn't an attack on you. It's the way you see yourself and project yourself on to others. Obviously, something changed where she's no longer interested in having sex with you. You need to look inside yourself and review your actions and projections to see what issues that you are doing arise. Of course, she could just be depressed, upset with her position in life and taking it out on you. However, no one really knows how or whys she's acting like she is. Heck, I doubt highly if she knows. But, chances are, something changed from you that may have not helped the situation.

 

[MrPwr]

....Or you could dump her. If she has more money/assets than you and you've been in a living-together defacto relationship for more than 2 years, then you're entitled to half of what's hers (I assume you're living in Australia).

While that is an option (dumping) I detest the idea of taking any of what she has worked for. I know that sentiment isn't shared by the wider female population but those are my personal principles.
As for the dumping I would prefer to try repair.
If I could figure out how establish myself as... frame bearer? despite my current situation, even once and maintain it even for just a short time then I know it could be done.

 

[Barrister]

Then you need to study Married RedPill and start using the steps of LTR Dread Game. It's a lot of effort though, and the end point is dumping her if the Dread Game doesn't work.

Dread game gets so exhausting- I’m not sure how people do it very long. I used it to keep my last ltr in like for an extra 7-8 months but I just got tired of it. Finally decided enough was enough and ended it.

 

[MrPwr]

If you re-read it without an emotional response, then you'd find it useful. It wasn't an attack on you. It's the way you see yourself and project yourself on to others. Obviously, something changed where she's no longer interested in having sex with you. You need to look inside yourself and review your actions and projections to see what issues that you are doing arise. Of course, she could just be depressed, upset with her position in life and taking it out on you. However, no one really knows how or whys she's acting like she is. Heck, I doubt highly if she knows. But, chances are, something changed from you that may have not helped the situation.

I will have to have a long hard think about this one.
I can put a watch to the time the sex stopped, however, and It seems more likely that I didn't change personally, but by becoming an almost fulltime student correlates with her lack of attraction.

 

[MrPwr]

Then you need to study Married RedPill and start using the steps of LTR Dread Game. It's a lot of effort though, and the end point is dumping her if the Dread Game doesn't work.

Thanks I am reading up now!
Before redpill I was considering leaving her, because we broke up one time on holiday in Europe. Got cold shoulder the whole time and then when we get back, she is a sobbing mess when I'm packing my things. So I figured that might be the way to garner a response.

If dread game doesn't work then I wont be sticking around. I'll give her an LJBF because right now we are. She doesn't even wear the damn ring.

 

[RickTheToad]

I will have to have a long hard think about this one.
I can put a watch to the time the sex stopped, however, and It seems more likely that I didn't change personally, but by becoming an almost fulltime student correlates with her lack of attraction.

Very possible. Was she working and paying all/most of the bills while you went full time @ school?

 

[MrPwr]

Very possible. Was she working and paying all/most of the bills while you went full time @ school?

Despite only working a day or two a week I do well enough to cover my own shizz, our tech/healthcare/half the utilities but I don't pay rent to her which would have been the biggest bill (housing market here is ludicrous) So she pays her own mortgage and I live under her roof. For about 2 years after we moved in together I was paying the standard rate I would pay anywhere else I would be renting, only changing once study went full time.

 

[MrPwr]

My experience too. If you're having to consciously use Dread Game, even though it can be very effective, your relationship is in trouble. Dread Game is on-going and once you take your foot off the gas, the relationship starts sliding again. You can never relax.

It's also a pride thing. Once your woman starts to see herself as "better than" you, she never really unsees it, even if you re-Game her and spike her attraction again.

The art of permanently hooking a woman is making sure she never sees herself as above you. If she ever does, then it's tattooed in her mind, despite you trying to recalibrate the power dynamic.

My advice to OP is to dump her. In the medium-long term, this relationship is history.

After reading Blue pill professor's subreddit - The 12 Steps Plan of dread I realised I have been doing up to step 5 already, even before red pilling. I was always fit but got a bit softer during the course of this LTR. Nothing major, just a loss of definition mostly, which I curbed after an increase in exercise.

She noticed immediately and started negging me with "you look anorexic now" on several occasions claiming I have "body dysmorphia or something like you're addicted to gains" (most certainly an exaggeration)
I also started dressing up for work, instead of wearing the company polo/jeans which she also picked up on.

There have been some **** tests where the appropriate response was "No" and I stood my ground, even after she got her peers to chime in. I flat out stood my ground. She recently asked "what happened to the nice guy I used to know"

 

[GrowingPains]

Then the sex stopped like someone flipped a switch. She was never highly sexual, but when we lived apart I was at least getting it a few times a month. Which even back then I was dissatisfied with but our vastly different schedules were mostly to blame.

How do I get out of her frame, and get her into mine, is it salvageable?

You value sex. She clearly does not value it as much as you.
-Someone posted something the other day about a list of things they do when they're evaluating a relationship. One of the points is whether they value their partner for who they are or who they could be and if it's not the former then the potential partner fails the test. My question to you is do you side with the former or the latter?

You've spoken to her about it. But things haven't changed.
-If your partner isn't willing to work with you on things that meet your needs, how are they a 'partner' at all? You seem to bend over backwards for her. She isn't willing to do the same for you. It seems you think its your difference in status that causes this. So if it changes when you graduate that maybe it'll switch. I think this part of the discussion is actually the most insightful to how you get out of her "frame" (quotes because nowadays I think this is a silly concept that you need to control a frame. Just do you and follow your gut with a healthy dose of reason, that's frame). The way you are speaking now suggests you will always be in her frame. Right now you're in it because you're trying to figure out how to get out of it. But even if you start making more money and shifting the power dynamic, you will still be in her frame. Because your mind is a prisoner to her regardless. Even if you up your status, it was for her. You will be worried that if it shifts again she will be in control of you again. As long as you maintain this mindset, you will be in her "frame".

note: before reading this I want you to read every 'YOU' with an emphasis on yourself and not what you think other people would answer.

Here's how you get out: start defining what it means to YOU to be a man. Once you've identified what it means for MrPwr to be a man... answer: do YOU currently feel that you are that? Why not? Is the relationship contributing to it? If she gives you sex, does that change it? What do YOU want that she isn't giving you? How can YOU grow with a partner who does not nurture YOU?

You're both in your 30s, what's the likelihood she changes? What's the likelihood her sex drive increases?

 

[RickTheToad]

After reading Blue pill professor's subreddit - The 12 Steps Plan of dread I realised I have been doing up to step 5 already, even before red pilling. I was always fit but got a bit softer during the course of this LTR. Nothing major, just a loss of definition mostly, which I curbed after an increase in exercise.

She noticed immediately and started negging me with "you look anorexic now" on several occasions claiming I have "body dysmorphia or something like you're addicted to gains" (most certainly an exaggeration)
I also started dressing up for work, instead of wearing the company polo/jeans which she also picked up on.

There have been some **** tests where the appropriate response was "No" and I stood my ground, even after she got her peers to chime in. I flat out stood my ground. She recently asked "what happened to the nice guy I used to know"

The best way to respond to sh!t tests is to not respond at all. Next time she says something like, "what happened to the nice guy I used to know", you just smile and either change the subject or leave the room. Continue to work on you and she will either come around or you show her the door. One thing you must master is not allowing her to push or pull you out of your comfort zone. Do not allow her to draw an emotional response out of you. Stay logical and do not show a negative reaction. THIS is the NEW you. This is where @MrPwr is the BOSS. First comes you, then her. You can even say that to her in a nonchalant way when an opportunity arises during your conversations with her. Eventually, with enough practice, it will become second nature. You can do this also by not acting or being perceived as a d!ck (not saying you are). You just put you first, everyone else comes next. You can even say, if she says, well, that's kinda selfish. Your response would be, no, not really. I come first, because if I cannot take care of myself, how can I be there for anyone else? Even in an LTR or marriage (heaven forbid), DUDE COMES 1ST, then the partner, then the kids or pets. Now, for the female, it's a bit different. In this situation, you come first, then her, then the kids. Traditionally speaking, this has been the most successful way a family is been stable and long lasting. Remember, females need to be trained. Seems yours need to be retrained by you just working on you. She will either come around or you can give her a 1st class ticket to the front door.

 

[jimwho]

You must ask yourself. Is this woman the type to do a permanent 180, turn things around and be a great match
For a LTR? Only two answers. My guess is NO. She disrespects you, its been over for a long time. IMHO

 

[metalwater]

Thanks I am reading up now!
Before redpill I was considering leaving her, because we broke up one time on holiday in Europe. Got cold shoulder the whole time and then when we get back, she is a sobbing mess when I'm packing my things. So I figured that might be the way to garner a response.

If dread game doesn't work then I wont be sticking around. I'll give her an LJBF because right now we are. She doesn't even wear the damn ring.

If you follow all of the steps completely in Married Red Pill, dumping her will be easy because if she does not come around to what you want you simply will not want her. You might want the memory of her, but you will not want the current version of her; if you follow it completely. It's worth your time, the rest of the improvements can be usefull.

 

[EyeBRollin]

Eject. This has been over for months. Tell her face to face you’ve fallen out of love and can’t do it. Pick up your stuff and leave.

 

[MrPwr]

Eject. This has been over for months. Tell her face to face you’ve fallen out of love and can’t do it. Pick up your stuff and leave.

Not currently an option.
I have made choices in my employment and education that would be shooting myself in the foot massively if I renegged on. Give it 5months and those will be done and I can go in any direction

 

[metalwater]

Then the sex stopped like someone flipped a switch. She was never highly sexual, but when we lived apart I was at least getting it a few times a month. Which even back then I was dissatisfied with but our vastly different schedules were mostly to blame.

As crude, as it might sound, this is a really objective gauge of what is. If your engaged do NOT get married until this is fixed.

Two problems with this.

1. she is not excited/interested to have sex with you.
2. she does not care/admire/respect/care about you enough to comply.

When if this problem is solved, you are only about halfway fixed for the big picture. She will have sex with you at a lower interest level than you need for a permanent LTR. But it is in the right direction.

I HATE to be the first one to add, but in this level of interest, she is emotionally available for advances from other men. I have personally watched low sex drive women become high sex drive with a different dude. Not saying this is happening, but if she is not hooked to you in this way that channel is open. For your well-being, it is useful to have a mate that is eager for you. Do not accept less than that.