To know or not?

[mrgoodstuff]

In my heart of hearts, I just don't believe monogamy is compatible with nature. That goes double for "marriage." I can't prove that, and maybe it's solipsism on my part. I get that women are incentivized to be more selective....that's about it, though. And IMO wanting to go back to some medieval clampdown on women is just a coping method for men who won't learn how to handle women or, more importantly, themselves. The female sex drive is more powerful than a lot of guys realize.

That's another way of saying I don't judge so much as I decide what's best for me. All we can really do is make the best decisions for ourselves with the info we have, and this site helps men in that decision making.

So you believe uncivilized masculinity was sharing the object of his affection?

 

[Lookatu]

Her past shows her habits and norms. At least what they have done or normally has done. You can't predict future at 100% using this info.

This can definitely be true and I agree on one hand. But on the other hand, who knows what she says is 100% factual? Then you have the fact that her past could've been dictated or motivated by the types of people she hung out with or the environment that she was in. There's too many variables IMO. I mean if she had any bad habits or norms apart from those aspects, they probably would've already manifested itself in any relationship already.

 

[Modern Man Advice]

This is a question for the more experienced board of the forum.
So you get in a relationship and you sit with your woman alone . She starts talking about her past with exes and people she’s been with .
Here is the question. Is it a good idea to listen about her past?

In one way you will know more about her but on the other way a feeling of paranoia starts and you lose the trust you have for her and make things worse . So is it better for your own peace of mind to not know everything about her past and build an impression of her considering only the present and how she treats you ? Or listen about her past and add to the already existing impression even if it makes it much worse?

Good question indeed. I guess it depends on the context and true intent. Is she telling (or you asking) from a place of really understanding this person and her behaviors (habits, MO, traumas, fears, anxiety, hurt, etc), or is it just curiosity and to some extend morbid curiosity? If the ladder, then it is not constructive to know such things as it will most likely create bitterness/resentfulness/prejudice to some degree. Unless you have a very solid and strong mentality.

Generally speaking, as @King Lion pointed out, via the Confucious quote, true knowledge is understanding how much you do not know. So yes, find out at the surface level her history to understand her present.

Modern Man Advice

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Come again? I don't understand the question.

I

This can definitely be true and I agree on one hand. But on the other hand, who knows what she says is 100% factual? Then you have the fact that her past could've been dictated or motivated by the types of people she hung out with or the environment that she was in. There's too many variables IMO. I mean if she had any bad habits or norms apart from those aspects, they probably would've already manifested itself in any relationship already.

That's why you find out what the "before" is.

 

[Lookatu]

I
That's why you find out what the "before" is.

So what will that exactly accomplish?

I see it like driving a Ferrari that you really like and enjoy. Everything is good up to the point that you pull that Car-Fax and see it's been in a previous accident. Then you start enjoying it less knowing that it's been damaged. Then you start looking for anything to pick apart like any little rust spots or stitching coming loose from the seats, noises, etc. and start getting paranoid and have it eat at you and self sabotage the enjoyment you once had.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

So what will that exactly accomplish?

I see it like driving a Ferrari that you really like and enjoy. Everything is good up to the point that you pull that Car-Fax and see it's been in a previous accident. Then you start enjoying it less knowing that it's been damaged. Then you start looking for anything to pick apart like any little rust spots or stitching coming loose from the seats, noises, etc. and start getting paranoid and have it eat at you and self sabotage the enjoyment you once had.

Yeah but that rear half that was welded on incorrectly and it'll tear loose and end up killing whosoever driving.

 

[Lookatu]

Yeah but that rear half that was welded on incorrectly and it'll tear loose and end up killing whosoever driving.

Maybe, or maybe it was professionally repaired better than before. Glass half full vs glass half empty. It's going to vary person to person...

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Maybe, or maybe it was professionally repaired better than before. Glass half full vs glass half empty. It's going to vary person to person...

You noticed it wasn't your imagination on the test drive. But maybe it is welded better than before. The seller can show you the welds and how they added reinforcing plates.

 

[2Rocky]

I don't ask anything I'm not willing to divulge about myself. I think you find women will show their hand without having to ask.

You don't look at a sports model car and think it has neve been driven over the speed limit...

 

[ThisIsSparta]

“If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.”

 

[Reyaj]

In my heart of hearts, I just don't believe monogamy is compatible with nature. That goes double for "marriage." I can't prove that, and maybe it's solipsism on my part. I get that women are incentivized to be more selective....that's about it, though. And IMO wanting to go back to some medieval clampdown on women is just a coping method for men who won't learn how to handle women or, more importantly, themselves. The female sex drive is more powerful than a lot of guys realize.

That's another way of saying I don't judge so much as I decide what's best for me. All we can really do is make the best decisions for ourselves with the info we have, and this site helps men in that decision making.

Yeah this definitely could be a deep topic... Variety is the spice of life as they say and I do agree with you at least from a sexual standpoint. I do feel that it is more incompatible with male nature than female nature but maybe that's solipsism on my part However I certainly have also found the female sex drive to be quite powerful, even more so than men when they fully feel it can be unleashed. In my experience they do prefer to have it with a single partner though but I'm sure there's emotional variables there...

The world has been civilized in such a manner that open relationships/marriages aren't conditioned to be righteous in the "nuclear household". While the concept of this household may have waned a bit since the 1960s per say... it seems like most of the referenced theory here says a girl growing up in such a stable household increases her probability of being a good partner.

You're absolutely right that we all have to figure out what's important to us and build the life we want to within the parameters around us.

 

[MoMoses]

This is a question for the more experienced board of the forum.
So you get in a relationship and you sit with your woman alone . She starts talking about her past with exes and people she’s been with .
Here is the question. Is it a good idea to listen about her past?

This is one of the best questions on this forum and the diverse way in which people are responding to this question proves it!

It all depends I guess. If you're inexperienced yourself and you hear your gf had twice or even 3 times as many sex partners you might get insecure about it. I know I was when I was much younger.

Nowadays I don't care. Had so many women myself I don't care if a woman had a lot of partners aswell. This often is a good thing 'cause this means she's probably good in bed (yes, there are exceptions).

It's been years since I had this conversation with a girlfriend. Most don't ask me this question. Maybe because they know they wouldn't like the answer? Or people past a certain age don't do this anymore?

 

[NSX-R]

So what will that exactly accomplish?

I see it like driving a Ferrari that you really like and enjoy. Everything is good up to the point that you pull that Car-Fax and see it's been in a previous accident. Then you start enjoying it less knowing that it's been damaged. Then you start looking for anything to pick apart like any little rust spots or stitching coming loose from the seats, noises, etc. and start getting paranoid and have it eat at you and self sabotage the enjoyment you once had.

That’s a great example and honestly i couldn’t describe it better myself . That’s the real dilemma i was trying to describe . If the car drives perfectly fine with no issues whatsoever, something like this is going to destroy the whole experience, and as someone else explained if it’s professionally repaired wouldn’t you still have doubts even if the possibility for something to go wrong is almost none ?

Off course women are human but there are many similarities.

 

[pipeman84]

This is a question for the more experienced board of the forum.
So you get in a relationship and you sit with your woman alone . She starts talking about her past with exes and people she’s been with .
Here is the question. Is it a good idea to listen about her past?

In one way you will know more about her but on the other way a feeling of paranoia starts and you lose the trust you have for her and make things worse . So is it better for your own peace of mind to not know everything about her past and build an impression of her considering only the present and how she treats you ? Or listen about her past and add to the already existing impression even if it makes it much worse?

I think it's always a good idea to listen to the woman. That's one way of gathering information. Yeah, but can you trust her? - is what people that claim not to be interested in her past say. She says she's been with 5, how do you know, there very well could've been 10 guys. If you listen to her over time, you'll get a sense if she's telling the truth...if she's lying, she'll mix up details, names and so on and she'll give herself away.

How she treats you in the present moment is clearly important, but it could very well be an act....let's say she's a 30yrs old reformed party girl. She could put on an act as a nice girl to secure you as her provider because she realizes her options are dwindling. Or she could really be reformed (almost anything is possible, people win the lottery, get hit by lighting) but the past is still there. Now if you determined she's for real and not acting, that's a tough choice you have to make...leave her based on her past alone or ignore it and possibly live happily ever after.

 

[Dr.Suave]

I rather find out about all her sexual past history in the first few dates than finding out years down the road that she did something I might consider a deal breaker. But thats just me, most guys here are more of the mentality of "Dont ask questions you dont wanna know the answer to".