Male Friends

[B80]

Hey,

Girl im seeing has a big social circle, including male friends.

One of them crops up a fair bit. Has a decent career, not a bad looking chap.

Career path similar to hers. She's quite open about they go for walks from time to time, likes chatting to him about career, mentoring, etc amongst other things. Also said she mentioned things to him between me and her and that he apparently said i sound like a good bloke, could be right man for her or something to that effect.

She told me months ago no man shes been involved with has met her daughter, apart from male friends like this man. Didnt have to volunteer that, could have just kept it quiet.

She mentioned he has girl friend of a few years.

Initially when she mentioned male friends didn't care as it was beginning of things, now 3/4 months later I sometimes wonder whether there's more to this guy.

For example today we spent all day together with kids when her daughter said x is coming over later isn't he to drop the weights off (she did mention last week he was dropping weights off for home gym at some point). Could be me being paranoid and misreading but thought she looked a bit off balance briefly by her daughter saying it.

A few weeks ago she mentioned people crashing at hers and mentioned female friends and this guy has in the past lol. She said it in such a normal open way, thst made me think if something was going on she wouldn't have mentioned him doing that, even though to me it's an odd thing to do, particularly as he has a girlfriend... apparently.

She also mentioned they speak on phone regularly. She's extrovert, very sociable, always chatting to various friends.

I'm wary of mentioning it as could make me look insecure, paranoid etc and cause the end of it.

But as relationship progresses, particularly as she raised exclusivety subject last week, wondering whether a conversation around boundaries is needed at some point.

If he is/was her fwb clearly nothing serious is destined to happen at this point as it surely would have done by now, so I'm thinking as long as I keep her interest levels high,, I shouldn't be worried about these kind of men. Just be confident I'm the catch and not show insecurity or raise it.

But at same time it doesn't sit right and I'm thinking if I need to somehow raise this without pissing her off as there's a chance nothing is happening/he's not a long term threat.... not now but at some point.

I know directly raising it is unlikely to end in a positive outcome, she could easily lie anyway and unless I found evidence may never find out.in fact right at beginning of seeing each other, one night when drunk together I did casually ask if they had ever slept together she casually said no way, he's not her cup of tea.

Im thinking if there's a way of being more covert in broaching the subject...

 

[LiveYourDream]

If your goal is to build a solid partnered LTR, I smell on-going trouble with this one.

Other than casual sex, I think you would be best served to manage your own time and energy and move on now.

 

[B80]

If your goal is to build a solid partnered LTR, I smell on-going trouble with this one.

Other than casual sex, I think you would be best served to manage your own time and energy and move on now.

My gut and head is telling me the same. Trying to rationalise things as I really like her, get on well, great sex... drawn to her.

I'm prone to over thinking, seeing the worse in these situations so don't entirely trust myself in that respect... make things a bigger issue than they are.

 

[derby1]

Time to do the sosuave special..................

and invite "Mei Ling" (the size 4 asian) into the equation.....

She will get rid of Back up boy, real quick.

 

[B80]

OP, I will give you my perspective from a couple of different angles. A lot of this is intuitive and not worth overthinking.

1. I have a girlfriend, we don't live together. I also have a female friend with whom I chat A LOT and go out with once in a while. This chick has a BF and I'm cool being her buddy or whatever. But she's cute and if the opportunity were easy enough, I'd probably bang her. But right now there would be just too many factor at play - she would have to blatantly throw herself at me for me to think about it because I've got a girl anyway (among other factors/consequences).

2. A few weeks ago my gf had a guy friend from out of town crash at her place because he had to finish up some grad school stuff. She has a 3 BR apartment. I've met this guy, and I had absolutely zero worry about him or her. This is based on her behavior toward me, and just the vibe I get in general from him and her. A lot of Sosuavers would scream "red flag!" but I didn't bat an eyelash. Besides, if I found out the opposite, I'd just walk.

Believe me, I've been in the situation where it felt like something was amiss, and it was. It's all in the gut because behavior patterns change a bit. This is all about how you maintain your status and value internally. Once you start worrying about the other guy, you are lowering your status. Your drunken inquiry was not a great move in that respect, but forget it and move on. Just carry yourself like you're the shyt, talk to/flirt with other girls, listen to your gut, and be ready to eject when it's not meeting your expectations.

1) I did consider the whole timing thing and that if he didn't have a gf and time was right for her too maybe something would happen then.

2) yeah thinking it may be something like this too, hence directly raising it not be a good idea.

I don't show any worry about him to her. When she said he was giving her weights last week and could I write a routine, I just said yeah sure and that's good of him to do that.

Cant recall exactly how I asked if they had sex, but it wasn't putting her on the spot, it was very casual and in the tone and theme of what we were chatting about at the time.so wouldn't have come across as me being insecure, probing out of worry etc as I'm aware it's not a good look on me otherwise.

Despite thisthread advertising I'm worried, I wouldn't say I'm really worried, more just something I'm of lingering that may need to be addressed at some point and how to go about it, if at all.

 

[AlphaDraconis]

Close male friends... nothing but a social construct amongst females to create competition anxiety in their partner. As you are witnessing firsthand, it’s working.

I mentioned in a previous thread, Caucasian women are extremely jealous of Asian women due to interracial porn connotations. White women fear that all white men have a secret fetish for oriental women, as such, they are highly intimidated by them.

If you feel you can’t walk away from this right now (though I suggest you do, and with no explanations given), I’d alternatively suggest that you start secretly befriending Asian (specifically Thai) women on Facebook or IRL, then start going for walks, having talks, etc.

When your GF asks who she is, you just say, ‘Oh, she’s an old friend of mine. Did I not mention her?’. See how your GF reacts to this. If she loses her sh1t (I guarantee she will do), then calmly respond with, ‘You have a close guy friend, I don’t object to this, so what’s the problem?’

If she starts pressuring you to get rid of her, it’s because she enjoys being the one who enjoys playing triangulation games with men — one set of rules for her, another set for you.

She’ll then realise you’re no simple sap to be fvcked with, and stop playing games, or she’ll want to remain in the one up position and keep busting your balls to get rid of her. When she does this, ‘Just ghost her’. It will drive her nuts thinking you dumped her for “Mei Ling”.

So, in a nutshell: don’t get mad, get even.

 

[B80]

Time to do the sosuave special..................

and invite "Mei Ling" (the size 4 asian) into the equation.....

She will get rid of Back up boy, real quick.

please expand

 

[LiveYourDream]

My gut and head is telling me the same.

Pay attention to that.

Trying to rationalise things as I really like her, get on well, great sex... drawn to her.

This is where regret and wasted time begin.

 

[derby1]

please expand

you introduce a hot asian girl into your friendship circle, white women cant stand asian women, I dont mean in a racist way, they find them a huge threat..As they know white men love asian P*ssy

 

[LiveYourDream]

Sorry to be blunt but she has already demonstrated to OP that he is the low man on her totem pole. She’s made OP’s position in her world crystal clear.

 

[B80]

Close male friends... nothing but a social construct amongst females to create competition anxiety in their partner. As you are witnessing firsthand, it’s working.

I mentioned in a previous thread, Caucasian women are extremely jealous of Asian women due to interracial porn connotations. White women fear that all white men have a secret fetish for oriental women, as such, they are highly intimidated by them.

If you feel you can’t walk away from this right now (though I suggest you do, and with no explanations given), I’d alternatively suggest that you start secretly befriending Asian (specifically Thai) women on Facebook or IRL, then start going for walks, having talks, etc.

When your GF asks who she is, you just say, ‘Oh, she’s an old friend of mine. Did I not mention her?’. See how your GF reacts to this. If she loses her sh1t (I guarantee she will do), then calmly respond with, ‘You have a close guy friend, I don’t object to this, so what’s the problem?’

If she starts pressuring you to get rid of her, it’s because she enjoys being the one who enjoys playing triangulation games with men — one set of rules for her, another set for you.

She’ll then realise you’re no simple sap to be fvcked with, and stop playing games, or she’ll want to remain in the one up position and keep busting your balls to get rid of her. When she does this, ‘Just ghost her’. It will drive her nuts thinking you dumped her for “Mei Ling”.

So, in a nutshell: don’t get mad, get even.

Interesting, I've never heard of this thing in the UK.

Funny enough I spent a year in se Asia back in my 20's... so not unfamiliar with Asian women.

Tbh back at beginning of relationship I did mention to her about chatting to a Colombian girl (based in uk) who was having relationship issues with her husband, which is true, we chat all the time. Used to sleep with each other 15 years back but loosely stayed in touch, then when I divorced 3 years ago things got a bit heated and would definitely be game on if I wanted her at any point... which I don't.

Could just subtly introduce a mythical friend, Asian woman into my life and see how she reacts...

Why would you suggest leaving her now?

 

[B80]

Sorry to be blunt but she has already demonstrated to OP that he is the low man on her totem pole. She’s made OP’s position in her world crystal clear.

How is that? Otherwise things going realky well. She suggested being exclusive last weekend, bought me a load of presents for my birthday.

 

[B80]

I mention this not to freak you out but to allay your fears, actually.

A lot of things have to go right for two people who know each other well to fukk.

And people can go from friends to lovers and back again. Or they can be "friends" and there might always be some level of tension with at least one party.

Like I said, it's about your self-perceived value and inner game more than it's about her. The situation I mentioned with my gf is no big deal because none of it is a big deal. I'm awesome and she'd be stupid to fukk it up with me, lol. She senses that.



Also eligible, Latinas and black chicks.

Yeah did take it that way mate.

Indeed as mentioned in another reply, I still chat to a Colombian girl I was sleeping with for a year or so 15 years ago. When I divorced 3 years ago we were texting, flirting then talking about fantasies with each other. She wanted to meet up but I wasn't interested when it came down to it.

We still chat regularly about everything in life and she mentions how good friends we are, but I know she d be up for sex, leaving unhappy marriage if I escalated. She randomly texts me about stuff every few days..effectively a female orbiter.

May need to start mentioning her a bit more, in a subtle manner.

 

[LiveYourDream]

She suggested being exclusive last weekend

How did you respond?
Are you exclusive now?
What is your goal/intent with her?

 

[B80]

How did you respond?
Are you exclusive now?
What is your goal/intent with her?

She said she hasn't seen anyone else or intention of seeing anyone else since we started dating.

She asked if I was, I avoided answering (I haven't been seeing anyone else). She then said she realky likes me, realky happy etc and wants us to be exclusive and doesn't want me seeing anyone else. I just said something like ok sure, but in a way that indicated I may or may not have been seeing others.

At same time She also said I could stay over when her daughter was there, before I could only come over/stay over when she was at parents or the dads. She said right from start that no man she is dating has ever met her daughter and it won't happen unless she know it has potential for getting serious... which is respectable. Sge invited me over several nights last week, stayed over night with daughter there.

I was open minded at start 3/4 months back, but I do like her a lot. I'd find it easy to bail if I found out anything dodgy was going on.

I don't want to pull the plug as even if doesn't go anywhere long term, she's serving a purpose. Regular sex, getting experience with having women after 12 year relationship ended in divorce 3 years back.

 

[B80]

The orbiters, exes, and flings wont be cut off for months later, if ever.

Well that's what I'm thinking. Get rid of this one (who I like for several reasons)and chances arecould end up in similar situations over and over with women.

So as long as no evidence ofreal funny business is found to be going on, this is a learning experience in how to deal with this kind of crap.

 

[B80]

Well you see? The shoe is also on the other foot.

I don't think you should start mentioning her to try to stoke jealousy or dread. That's just cheap brinksmanship. Instead, be secure knowing you have options. Be friends with the Colombian girl and hang out with her, but don't go out of your way to try to stir the pot. Relax and just be high value.

Yeah but I'm not realky interested in her unless smashed so I don't consider here an option as such.

But yes I did think just need to remember my smv is high and let that do the talking which should hopefully keep her interested in me and not others.

Confrontation will only end in negative outcome as reality is she's attractive and will no doubt always have other options if I don't maintain 'frame', regardless of this particular man I mentioned.

That's why it's interesting around the whole setting boundaries thing in these situations. Directly raising it doesn't seem like an 'alpha/strong' approach to me, more like something that will bring an end to the relationship, because if they're going to do it, they'll do it regardless. More about the value you bring, more than other men, so they won't be interested in straying in the first place. Assuming tge woman doesn't have bigger issues, which should be vetted for before getting more involved.

 

[AlphaDraconis]

Interesting, I've never heard of this thing in the UK.

Funny enough I spent a year in se Asia back in my 20's... so not unfamiliar with Asian women.

Tbh back at beginning of relationship I did mention to her about chatting to a Colombian girl (based in uk) who was having relationship issues with her husband, which is true, we chat all the time. Used to sleep with each other 15 years back but loosely stayed in touch, then when I divorced 3 years ago things got a bit heated and would definitely be game on if I wanted her at any point... which I don't.

Could just subtly introduce a mythical friend, Asian woman into my life and see how she reacts...

Why would you suggest leaving her now?

Nah, man, I’d get busy going deep undercover and doing it for real (if you’re not ready to walk away right now). You bullsh1t her with some imaginary Asian woman, she’ll smell a rat and know you’re doing this in retaliation for her doing this to you.

Even if you have to hire an out of town Thai escort for a short while, I’d do it. Get a few pics of you together during a meal, walk in the park, then upload to Facebook or whatever. See how she likes those apples.

And why I suggest getting out as the preferable option... you know the set up here. If the boot was on the other foot, do you really think she’d be feeling no competition anxiety? Do you really think she wouldn’t be subtly or outright causing a rift between you and a very close, attractive female friend? Don’t kid yourself, she’s acutely aware of the designated effect all this is having in you. You’re feeling insecure because she’s making you feel this way. All of this constant anxiety just for 2 second orgasmic release here n there... the prize isn’t worth the price.

Guys, like Corey Wayne advise men not to show insecurity over close male friends, but we’re not robots — we feel emotional pain, and there’s only so much you can take. Furthermore, why should any guy opt to be humiliated and disrespected? If you ain’t doing it to her, then she should extend the same courtesy. But it doesn’t work like that for women, as you’ll find out when Mei Ling enters the equation. The demon will rear its ugly head alright.

When I was a little wet behind the ears back in the day, I bought into this new, “progressive” social trend, and even though I felt uneasy about it, I didn’t want to come off as insecure, and foolishly progressed... turned out she’d fvcked most of them, and enjoyed not only playing them off against each other, but also trying to mind fvck me with them (similar to your experience). I eventually smartened up, had enough of her sh1t and just blocked her without any explanation.

 

[LiveYourDream]

Sorry to be blunt but she has already demonstrated to OP that he is the low man on her totem pole. She’s made OP’s position in her world crystal clear.

How is that?

likes chatting to him about career, mentoring, etc amongst other things. Also said she mentioned things to him between me and her and that he apparently said i sound like a good bloke, could be right man for her or something to that effect.

I am a woman and I personally find her behavior with a man incredibly disrespectful. I personally have different standards.

1. She discussed your and her personal relationship, with another man. Seriously! As a woman, I don’t believe that is appropriate. Certainly never casually. (Maybe with her father or brother, in an extreme situation of sorts.)

2. She sought out this other man’s approval of you (or his jealousy).

This equals the other man higher on her totem pole, in my view. She is seeking the other man’s approval (seemingly) above yours.

3. She reported her delight to you, that THE OTHER MAN approved of you.

4. On top of that...She acts as if and believes that you are ALSO supposed to be delighted that you were granted THE OTHER MAN’S approval.

I find this inappropriate on so many levels. That’s me.

Hopefully this clarifies some of what I perceived that led me to see you/OP as lower on her totem pole. I personally see these, as highly disrespectful behaviors, of a woman towards her man.

If she is seeking THE OTHER MAN’S approval (or jealousy), above showing you respect, that speaks volumes, to me. I have different standards for respectful behavior. That is why if you are looking for a solid LTR (beyond simply sex,) that I suggested you cut your losses with her and move on.

 

[derby1]

Bro, you know deep in your soul, that this behaviour is disrespectful. Its amazing how as men will make reasons up for the woman, when she knows damn well what shes doing, even only sub consciously.

This is not going to end well. and shes loving the attention btw