Ex Poisoning the Well Against You

[Barrister]

Have a question for the DJs here -- I am sure the answer is just to simply deal with it and ignore but I find myself feeling highly irritated by a situation that is becoming clear to me with my ex.

If anyone has followed me in the NC thread, I have been in no contact with the ex for about 2 weeks. We broke up back on December 19th. Last time we spoke she was clearly very upset that I had broken up with her and kept making a big deal about how it was "only a week before Christmas you did this."

Well, since then I have discovered that a couple of her friends have defriended me on social media (don't care about that), but more irritating to me is that two people that we work with and who I have to communicate with on a professional level (we are all attorneys) will now not respond to me when I reach out to them on cases I am working on. It is becoming very clear that she has tried to make me out as an awful person and is dragging my name through the mud despite the reasons for breaking up being 100% legitimate. This is highly irritating to me.

It makes me want to break no contact just to tell her off. I realize this would be stupid. But I am pissed that this is going to affect me on a professional level. It is completely uncalled for. How do you DJs handle this?

 

[Lookatu]

If it's affecting your job performance, you need to raise your voice and hold anyone impeding your job duties as accountable. They need to learn to separate out their personal life/feelings from professional ones.

You many need to call out these individuals and have a convo with them about that.

You guys are attorneys and this is what you guys do after all. Open a dialogue

The fault doesn't lie in her in spreading lies/rumors/stories. It lies in your colleagues for impeding your work IMO.

 

[Atom Smasher]

I just looked at some of your posts in the NC thread. Do I understand correctly that she is a coworker? I don’t know if you’ve discussed this with anybody, but that’s why we try to hammer home the hard and fast rule, never dip your pen in company ink. 100% of the time a rejected women will do things to tank your career. That number is absolute. Some do it consciously and some subconsciously, but they all pull their levers to sabotage you at the company.

The reason she can appear so cold is that women check out of a relationship for months before they actually leave. She’s upset because you beat her to the punch. Women mourn the loss of a relationship while still in the relationship before branch-swinging. Men do their mourning afterwards.

I saw you writing about her writing to a make “friend” every day. This is outrageous and and should be an absolute deal-breaker. No man should tolerate this.

Listen carefully, brother: You made the right decision. What you are going through right now is drug withdrawal. That’s right. She was a drug to you. You were physically and emotionally dependent on her, and now that fulfillment and validation is gone, cold turkey.

You are not missing HER, but rather the idealized vision of what you wanted her to be. Meditate on that sentence and it will make sense. The rational side of you broke up with her, and this was the correct decision. The emotional side idealized her. You are missing the woman that you wish she was, but could not be.

The best thing you can do for yourself now is to remove all traces of her from your environment. Get rid of any music you used to listen to with her. Remove all signs of her. If there were any gifts that she gave you, box them up and put them into storage. Later when you are stronger you will sell or dispose of them. This will help you immensely in putting all this behind you and starting afresh.

It’s not her you’re missing. It’s having someone around to validate you that is causing all this pain. You made a good decision. Accept that, keep in mind that you are going through temporary withdrawal, and you will soon start to feel better.

 

[christie]

Have a question for the DJs here -- I am sure the answer is just to simply deal with it and ignore but I find myself feeling highly irritated by a situation that is becoming clear to me with my ex.

If anyone has followed me in the NC thread, I have been in no contact with the ex for about 2 weeks. We broke up back on December 19th. Last time we spoke she was clearly very upset that I had broken up with her and kept making a big deal about how it was "only a week before Christmas you did this."

Well, since then I have discovered that a couple of her friends have defriended me on social media (don't care about that), but more irritating to me is that two people that we work with and who I have to communicate with on a professional level (we are all attorneys) will now not respond to me when I reach out to them on cases I am working on. It is becoming very clear that she has tried to make me out as an awful person and is dragging my name through the mud despite the reasons for breaking up being 100% legitimate. This is highly irritating to me.

It makes me want to break no contact just to tell her off. I realize this would be stupid. But I am pissed that this is going to affect me on a professional level. It is completely uncalled for. How do you DJs handle this?

Hi Barrister, I haven't read your posts yet in the nc thread but I will. That thread and members here helped a lot.
Congrats on staying no contact, maybe deactivate your social media so you're hidden from searches and just log on before the 30 days deletion period is up.
It works in a healthy way to get you yourself away from the social circle tracking and any loneliness projection you may not realise you're projecting.
I must have done the deactivate, then log on at the 29th day to keep account, about 3 or 4 times before I finally got used to not having it and let it expire and die the deletion death.
Secondly, you may be right about familiar colleagues delaying on purpose to communicate with you but they could also coincidentally be busy too.
Don't gaf, you are busy yourself dating new plates already, pursuing your purpose and renewing your hobbies.

There might be something emotionalism in your speech, email writing, texting that's triggering the other barristers to delay.
I know delay, delay, delay is an important and strategic technique for law office professionals to do in times of emotionalism. A recent breakup, recent passing of major yearly holidays, ongoing stress of covid.
Who knows if your ex is experiencing emotionalism too, but of a different kind.....vindictiveness, fury, indignation, shock, incredulity. Maybe the colleagues' silence is a bit of a heads up for you that she's been making legal threats(would make sense if that's her field, really, when you think of it)
Please try your best to avoid all contact with her. If unavoidable, record and trace and make multiple copies any voicemail or email or text or unusual behaviour if you see her show up places.
Look into getting cams for your vehicle and recording devices for everywhere you go.

This first little while after a breakup a woman is INSANE and RECKLESS about getting 'revenge'

You have to think survival mode. Be your own bodyguard and witness.

Your gut instinct tells you this woman is now or can potentially be, up to no good, because you know her and remember the red flags from the relationship.

Like I said, withdraw from social media-everyone will understand-you just had a breakup recently.

And trust your gut that you are hyperaware of changes in your work environment/work contacts now.
Get the vehicle/residence cams and recording devices and maybe get someone to 'proofread' your professional emails before sending them out. Just in case you have a different tone lately, maybe some emotionalism.

MOST importantly, get abundant; to get the DJ dgaf attitude back, and start spinning some plates, drive away to a new place to do it if it helps.

 

[Kotaix]

I would switch jobs and move if I were you, assuming you don't own part of a firm or have things anchoring you down. Your coworkers have already shown that they lack professionalism, the best way to get rid of a problem is to leave it behind.

 

[Alvafe]

simple put, can by pass tehn and bring to someone in a higher position, if so you tell then then such and such are not doing they work, and it will hinder the cases progress or even open up possible lawsuits for badpractice.

dude you are a lawyer, lawyers are know for being pricks who always love to fuc* someone over lies or not, do what you choose to do for life and go after they carrer and blood

 

[Barrister]

I just looked at some of your posts in the NC thread. Do I understand correctly that she is a coworker? I don’t know if you’ve discussed this with anybody, but that’s why we try to hammer home the hard and fast rule, never dip your pen in company ink. 100% of the time a rejected women will do things to tank your career. That number is absolute. Some do it consciously and some subconsciously, but they all pull their levers to sabotage you at the company.

The reason she can appear so cold is that women check out of a relationship for months before they actually leave. She’s upset because you beat her to the punch. Women mourn the loss of a relationship while still in the relationship before branch-swinging. Men do their mourning afterwards.

I saw you writing about her writing to a make “friend” every day. This is outrageous and and should be an absolute deal-breaker. No man should tolerate this.

Listen carefully, brother: You made the right decision. What you are going through right now is drug withdrawal. That’s right. She was a drug to you. You were physically and emotionally dependent on her, and now that fulfillment and validation is gone, cold turkey.

You are not missing HER, but rather the idealized vision of what you wanted her to be. Meditate on that sentence and it will make sense. The rational side of you broke up with her, and this was the correct decision. The emotional side idealized her. You are missing the woman that you wish she was, but could not be.

The best thing you can do for yourself now is to remove all traces of her from your environment. Get rid of any music you used to listen to with her. Remove all signs of her. If there were any gifts that she gave you, box them up and put them into storage. Later when you are stronger you will sell or dispose of them. This will help you immensely in putting all this behind you and starting afresh.

It’s not her you’re missing. It’s having someone around to validate you that is causing all this pain. You made a good decision. Accept that, keep in mind that you are going through temporary withdrawal, and you will soon start to feel better.

Great post, @Atom Smasher - thank you.

To be clear to you and everyone else -- No, we are not co-workers, merely attorneys that practice in the same legal community. I am a junior partner at my firm and she is a solo practitioner. However, our legal community is small (basically a 3-county area with a small city in it). So we have to interact with a lot of the same people because we practice the same type of law.

Yes, there were a lot of ongoing issues in our relationship. But at the end when I checked her phone and saw she basically had this older dude orbiter that she was letting shower her with attention and validation (sending kissing emojis, bringing her coffee at her house (she works from home) when I wasn't around, telling her she could text him late at night if she wanted to (and I think she did). It was just too much at that point on top of everything else. Did not stop me from acting like a fool and contacting her 10 days after I broke up with her to talk about the relationship. I still can't believe I did that.

All of that aside, this is especially infuriating. Going out and dragging my name through the mud because I broke up with her is ridiculous. I can only guess what she has told people to make them react this way. I want to tell her to go f*ck herself but I know it would be pointless and just validate whatever she has told her friends and acquintances about me. I will keep quiet. Thank you for the post though.

 

[Barrister]

Hi Barrister, I haven't read your posts yet in the nc thread but I will. That thread and members here helped a lot.
Congrats on staying no contact, maybe deactivate your social media so you're hidden from searches and just log on before the 30 days deletion period is up.
It works in a healthy way to get you yourself away from the social circle tracking and any loneliness projection you may not realise you're projecting.
I must have done the deactivate, then log on at the 29th day to keep account, about 3 or 4 times before I finally got used to not having it and let it expire and die the deletion death.
Secondly, you may be right about familiar colleagues delaying on purpose to communicate with you but they could also coincidentally be busy too.
Don't gaf, you are busy yourself dating new plates already, pursuing your purpose and renewing your hobbies.

There might be something emotionalism in your speech, email writing, texting that's triggering the other barristers to delay.
I know delay, delay, delay is an important and strategic technique for law office professionals to do in times of emotionalism. A recent breakup, recent passing of major yearly holidays, ongoing stress of covid.
Who knows if your ex is experiencing emotionalism too, but of a different kind.....vindictiveness, fury, indignation, shock, incredulity. Maybe the colleagues' silence is a bit of a heads up for you that she's been making legal threats(would make sense if that's her field, really, when you think of it)
Please try your best to avoid all contact with her. If unavoidable, record and trace and make multiple copies any voicemail or email or text or unusual behaviour if you see her show up places.
Look into getting cams for your vehicle and recording devices for everywhere you go.

This first little while after a breakup a woman is INSANE and RECKLESS about getting 'revenge'

You have to think survival mode. Be your own bodyguard and witness.

Your gut instinct tells you this woman is now or can potentially be, up to no good, because you know her and remember the red flags from the relationship.

Like I said, withdraw from social media-everyone will understand-you just had a breakup recently.

And trust your gut that you are hyperaware of changes in your work environment/work contacts now.
Get the vehicle/residence cams and recording devices and maybe get someone to 'proofread' your professional emails before sending them out. Just in case you have a different tone lately, maybe some emotionalism.

MOST importantly, get abundant; to get the DJ dgaf attitude back, and start spinning some plates, drive away to a new place to do it if it helps.

Thank you - my head hasn't been in a good spot for plate spinning yet. But I am getting there. I know I will likely start to feel much better once I start seeing other women but I am pretty busy right now and honestly don't have the time.

 

[Dash Riprock]

If it's affecting your job performance, you need to raise your voice and hold anyone impeding your job duties as accountable. They need to learn to separate out their personal life/feelings from professional ones.

You many need to call out these individuals and have a convo with them about that.

You guys are attorneys and this is what you guys do after all. Open a dialogue

The fault doesn't lie in her in spreading lies/rumors/stories. It lies in your colleagues for impeding your work IMO.

OP:

Call her up, tell her off, and before your hang up tell her "You'll be hearing from my attorney!!"

Joking aside, I see you're 34 which is old enough to know you NEVER date someone at work especially in an intimate office like yours. Nothing lasts forever, especially nowadays and in your Millennial age group, so it was only a matter of time.

I'd do a few things:

1- Have a "man-to-man" conversation with these attorneys/infantile sh*it d*icks, who aren't communicating with you. The only loser here are your clients probably paying >$300/hour for your services. Tell them they need to communicate with you or you can all sit in the managing principal's office and hash it through like a bunch of 5th graders.
2- Start looking for another position. Now that YOU HAVE poisoned your own well or as I call it, "Sh*it where you sleep," you're the one that needs to leave.
3- Or, start your own practice so you don't have to deal with this dynamic anymore.

If you do call her and tell her off, she will only up the smear campaign and it will get worse for you. Your best bet is to ignore her the best you can, don't get emotional, and get out when you land a new gig.

I hope you learned your lesson.

Good luck.

Dash

 

[Lookatu]

1- Have a "man-to-man" conversation with these attorneys/infantile sh*it d*icks, who aren't communicating with you. The only loser here are your clients probably paying >$300/hour for your services. Tell them they need to communicate with you or you can all sit in the managing principal's office and hash it through like a bunch of 5th graders.

This is basically what I was trying to say. You're coworkers are letting their personal gossip affect their job and how they do it(by being professional about it) which in return affects your performance. Go over their heads if you have to, to their boss(es).

 

[christie]

Thank you - my head hasn't been in a good spot for plate spinning yet. But I am getting there. I know I will likely start to feel much better once I start seeing other women but I am pretty busy right now and honestly don't have the time.

ok, I believe you're getting there

any time you can put towards getting over this woman by getting on top of another so--to-speak, will help you.
Even just talking to more women at the store is a good move.

 

[Barrister]

OP:

Call her up, tell her off, and before your hang up tell her "You'll be hearing from my attorney!!"

Joking aside, I see you're 34 which is old enough to know you NEVER date someone at work especially in an intimate office like yours. Nothing lasts forever, especially nowadays and in your Millennial age group, so it was only a matter of time.

I'd do a few things:

1- Have a "man-to-man" conversation with these attorneys/infantile sh*it d*icks, who aren't communicating with you. The only loser here are your clients probably paying >$300/hour for your services. Tell them they need to communicate with you or you can all sit in the managing principal's office and hash it through like a bunch of 5th graders.
2- Start looking for another position. Now that YOU HAVE poisoned your own well or as I call it, "Sh*it where you sleep," you're the one that needs to leave.
3- Or, start your own practice so you don't have to deal with this dynamic anymore.

If you do call her and tell her off, she will only up the smear campaign and it will get worse for you. Your best bet is to ignore her the best you can, don't get emotional, and get out when you land a new gig.

I hope you learned your lesson.

Good luck.

Dash

Dash - see my post above. We are not co-workers. She is a solo practitioner and I am a junior partner at my own firm. We just work with the same attorneys throughout the community because we practice the same type of law.

That said - I do agree with you. I think if I call and give her a piece of my mind about how ridiculously immature she is being it will play right into the narrative that is she trying to create of me being some monster. She was the "victim" with her previous exes she had told me about too so I suppose this should not come as some shock to me. Just disappointing that we can't be adults.

 

[Barrister]

ok, I believe you're getting there

any time you can put towards getting over this woman by getting on top of another so--to-speak, will help you.
Even just talking to more women at the store is a good move.

Yes - I think this is good advice. I think I am getting close to being ready. Like I said I just flat out would not have the time right now in the next couple of weeks to pull it off.

 

[christie]

Yes - I think this is good advice. I think I am getting close to being ready. Like I said I just flat out would not have the time right now in the next couple of weeks to pull it off.

its the abundance mindset of the DJ

 

[Bigpapa]

Have a question for the DJs here -- I am sure the answer is just to simply deal with it and ignore but I find myself feeling highly irritated by a situation that is becoming clear to me with my ex.

If anyone has followed me in the NC thread, I have been in no contact with the ex for about 2 weeks. We broke up back on December 19th. Last time we spoke she was clearly very upset that I had broken up with her and kept making a big deal about how it was "only a week before Christmas you did this."

Well, since then I have discovered that a couple of her friends have defriended me on social media (don't care about that), but more irritating to me is that two people that we work with and who I have to communicate with on a professional level (we are all attorneys) will now not respond to me when I reach out to them on cases I am working on. It is becoming very clear that she has tried to make me out as an awful person and is dragging my name through the mud despite the reasons for breaking up being 100% legitimate. This is highly irritating to me.

It makes me want to break no contact just to tell her off. I realize this would be stupid. But I am pissed that this is going to affect me on a professional level. It is completely uncalled for. How do you DJs handle this?

I feel you and you have the right to be frustrated about this , but this tells more about this guys than you

if they are ok with only hearing her part of the story it just means that they never really considered you A friend or whatever . So it is a good thing that they did this move , as now you know exactly where you stand with them

 

[BeExcellent]

@Barrister stick to your guns and stay NC.

Atom gave you great advice and so did String.

People may not understand that the legal community is close knit. The lawyers all know each other because they face each other in court all the time. Matters less who you work for, this ex of yours is running a full on smear campaign against you in your professional circles. All you can do is rise above it. In the meantime if she comes up, you handle the smear obliquely. You say something like:

“Yeah the whole thing was too bad. I was really fond of her but I refused to tolerate her chatting with other men late at night and seeking inappropriate attention. I mean, what kind of woman does that?” and then you smile a slightly indignant smile & say “Everyone makes choices. Choices have consequences.” or you say “It’s unfortunate she’s chosen to bad mouth me. I really didn’t think she was like that...” and shrug your shoulders.

People are smart. Especially in your professional circles. They will put 2 and 2 together and understand that there are two sides to the story.

Otherwise keep your mouth shut.

I understand completely what you are dealing with. My exBF who I abruptly left in July after he got physical with me has begun an awful smear campaign in my social circle. He has done this because his reputation was badly tarnished by his conduct (and the resulting criminal proceedings - he pled guilty), and so the only thing he can do is attempt to ruin my reputation and assault my character indirectly through acquaintances who don’t know either of us or the situation well enough to know what the truth is.

The funny thing is that people who know him well have told me privately that they are sorry he did this to me and that they wish me well etc. Nevertheless it has caused raised eyebrows in polite company and cast me as a woman with a past. He has started many rumors about me involving various men, and cast me as a harlot or a tart...etc.

People who know me well understand the ridiculousness of those assertions, but many people don’t know who to believe.

You are facing the same thing.

What I have decided is to embrace it all because any press is good press in that it creates an elevated curiosity about the person in question. I have told the man I’m currently seeing that I am presently a bit of a pariah with a bad girl reputation and that he can take that at face value or he can get to know me & form his own opinion. He’s a stand up man who keeps his own counsel. So far he likes me in spite of actual attempts to derail our interaction. He is self assured & socially adroit, which is good.

The unfortunate thing is the emotional bandwidth it takes to deal with someone who spreads malicious rumors. I’ve had many days where I’m minding my own business going about my day and had someone call to say “well, just heard such and such from so and so who said xyz about you...”

And the targets of those rumors are intended to be alienated and destructive. My ex spread a rumor (for example) that I had slept with my best friend’s ex boyfriend behind her back. And my ex is a talented liar. My best friend called to ask me about it. I have never been in a room alone with the guy in question ever in the half dozen times I’d met him (always with her or with my exBF)...but rumors like that can indeed be vicious in nature and intended to cause harm.

It means they are super butthurt over the loss of the relationship and they “lost” the game against you (since you didn’t put up with disrespect).

In time it will fade. Either be silent or leverage it to your advantage. I do both, but leveraging the situation requires nuance, deft, and emotional stability. Amused mastery even. You laugh it off as silly or childish or cute, and you say only positive things about your ex. Those strategies work. Trust me.

 

[bcude]

Women are only empathetic when their own self interest isn't at risk. She is just trying to get to you emotionally since it sounds like you are the one who broke up with her. They are spiteful creatures when spurned.

There's an old saying that goes something like this: In a breakup a man just wants to get away, a woman just wants to get even.

She would love nothing more than to get an emotional reaction from you, your attention would confirm her belief of being the victim once again.

Ignore and remove her from all platforms.

 

[Barrister]

100% spot on. They dont care at this point. We have been conditioned to believe love is rainbows and butterflies. It is a power game just as in nature. Like ssid above she hates you because you beat her to the kick.
She can and will move on rather easily.

Men in this age need to be modern but think like vikings. When its the deal breaker then its a next. If they exit first its
"Ok"
See ya

It is amazing how quickly they can shift gears and be moved on. One day they are asking you to please reconsider and give the relationship a chance, the next week they have decided to burn it all to the ground and make you look like the world's biggest @sshole. I suppose it is easy though when her texting/coffee buddy can become her full-time buddy now and listen to her sob story of how terrible I am.

On to the next.

 

[Georgepithyou]

It is amazing how quickly they can shift gears and be moved on

Because women have a huge amount of options, if we had the options they had we would do the same

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

Why not get a restraining order and ask your buddies to help out? That way you can start a conversation with them to let them know what really went down lol