girl went into my phone- got upset, now gone quiet

[metro_soldier91]

So I've been seeing this girl for just over 3 months(once or twice a week)

At her place a few weeks ago when I was in the shower then came back to bed she was acting unusual- she said- "I should of learned my lesson and never gone into a boys phone".-she found old messages and nudes from girls in my snapchat, all from before we were dating. She started crying and said "I was just starting to really like you". In the moment I apologized and said I should of deleted them. I regret apologizing and not calling her out for going into my phone. We still had sex that next morning and haven't spoken about it since.

I've seen her once since- but the vibe seemed slightly off- like she was a bit aloof/not as warm. Since then- it has been about 12 days- she has barely said much to me- the odd "hi" in the middle of the day. She turned down my last invitation over with "I'm making food for Christmas day" with no counter offer. I haven't contacted her in 4 days and vice versa.

The thing is it has never been made properly official that we were a couple(though one point early on she said while a bit tipsy- do you think this could be more? and I blew it off and said- well I wouldn't keep inviting you to things)

Other points: I have met her family, but she has not met mine. I have invited her to a social occasion that she turned down. She is very involved in her young nieces lives and has many pets for companionship. She has a bad relationship with her father which she did not want to talk about. Her last LTR became long distance when she moved towns- meaning sex was very infrequent and I think he cheated on her.

My thought was that she was searching for a reason to end it? or looking for some drama


Advice on how to proceed thanks

 

[Romanemp22]

She was putting you on her sh1t test, which you failed. You're not a couple, she's (was) your plate and even if you're fvcking another girl right in front of her, you don't owe her anything.

The obvious mistake was you apologizing to her, you should've said who the fvck are you to look through my phone? And leave her fvcking place.

Probably you're moment of weakness turned her off, so my advice would be save your time and move on, she likely already did.

Don't reach to her, don't text. The ball was on her court and she rejected your hanging out propositions.

When you go completely silence, she will crawl back that's for sure but you will be too busy to reply from fvcking other puzzies. Good luck!

 

[Visionist]

You shouldn't have apologized, it's true. Never apologize for anything, even when you're at fault, which you weren't here anyway.

Stick her on the back burner and date other women.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Why is your phone not locked?

I mean she is very very insecure and this type of behavior will only get worse the longer this goes on. She may have done you a favor to be honest.

You definitely made a mistake apologizing and not blasting her for her behavior. I would have gathered my things and bounced. That is an unacceptable breach of trust on her part.

And it turns out you had nothing to apologize for anyway.

I would say your weak behavior is what turned her off more than what she found.

 

[Tilex]

This sounds like a oneitis in progress.

 

[Bigpapa]

I would say the sh1t test was about you guys being a couple ( she wanted to see how you would react ) + if you are faithful to her

by your reaction you looked guilty and crossed you off as a potential bf

you can not meet the parents and do couple stuff , and then try to play the fwb card . Never works

 

[Desdinova]

She started crying and said "I was just starting to really like you". In the moment I apologized and said I should of deleted them.

Yeah, because after three months of dating, you're already married and 5hit. How's her orbiter situation?

I regret apologizing and not calling her out for going into my phone.

Why was she looking at your 5hit? Is this something she does for every guy she's with? Is she extremely controlling? I would guess the answer is "yes".

I haven't contacted her in 4 days and vice versa.

Oh well. Time to find another broad who won't go through your phone. This one is a write-off.

 

[Poonani Maker]

Even if you think you're being "mean" or "making her sad," you must remain strong and just not giveafvck. I'm telling you it works, even if she's visibly p!ssed at you next time you see her. Women are weak, and the more you're in her mind while you're away, the more she'll serve you or remain true to you when you re-unite, IF she really is your type and vice versa.

 

[metro_soldier91]

ok cheers guys- what I thought, but needed to hear it

I must

-never apologize
-stop giving a f**k
-lock my phone- too trusting
-spin other plates

 

[metro_soldier91]

Yeah, because after three months of dating, you're already married and 5hit. How's her orbiter situation?

Why was she looking at your 5hit? Is this something she does for every guy she's with? Is she extremely controlling? I would guess the answer is "yes".

Oh well. Time to find another broad who won't go through your phone. This one is a write-off.

-haha, I don't actually know and didn't care to find out- she doesn't have many friends

-Yeah it sounded like she's done it before.
I've pretty much lead in all dates/interactions and she's followed. the only controlling thing would be - majority of the time we would end up at her place not mine.

-yeah first time I've had it happen, find less insecure ones

 

[Black Widow Void]

I see that you are newer here. Welcome aboard...

As you've probably discovered, a lot of forum members are more into lecturing another forum member - rather than offering you actual advice to your current situation. Consider the sources when you read through the various discussions.

Although violating privacy is a deal-breaker with me (I don't do it and expect the same) I'm not here to judge your decision.
If you still want her, here's my suggestion:

It's best to let her do the reaching out. You may feel this urge to "fix" things (we've all been there) but at the moment, she's probably processing. If you appear too accommodating (by reaching out first) this will validate her current behavior. In other words, she will continue to feel righteous with her current attitude. She invaded your privacy. She doesn't deserve any smugness and you don't deserve her current attitude.

When she reaches out, remain calm. Say something like (or e-mail something like) ... "I'm glad that you decided to take some time apart. It has also provided me with some time to think about things. We both have a past and that's no crime. I don't judge you by yours and I expect the same. The only crime is that someone violated someone else's privacy by snooping into their phone. When you are able to see that what you did was wrong, let me know. If all you want to do is argue, I'd rather find someone mature that understands things like I do."

Naturally, you'll want to word the above in your own style. She may throw a crumb, but still wishes to maintain her innocence. Don't respond. It may take her two or three times to actually come clean. Only then (once she accepts your terms) is when you respond.

 

[r4zorsharp]

Honestly, like @Black Widow Void said, instead of being apologetic man, which is a good thing to do, you should have stopped talking to her for invading your privacy and getting upset at at you for stuff you did before you started seeing her.

At the end of the day, she is either embarrassed at what she did or she thinks ur a player..

Listen, from a guy whos been known to be a "playa' by everyone when I really wasn't.. YOu'll learn to meet girls and have **** with them and them leave ur life. its nothing. I went through countless girls man.. nowadays i can meet a 10 and not care if it doesnt work out or if she cuts me off or vice versa.

 

[bat soup]

So I've been seeing this girl for just over 3 months(once or twice a week)

At her place a few weeks ago when I was in the shower then came back to bed she was acting unusual- she said- "I should of learned my lesson and never gone into a boys phone".-she found old messages and nudes from girls in my snapchat, all from before we were dating. She started crying and said "I was just starting to really like you". In the moment I apologized and said I should of deleted them. I regret apologizing and not calling her out for going into my phone. We still had sex that next morning and haven't spoken about it since.

I've seen her once since- but the vibe seemed slightly off- like she was a bit aloof/not as warm. Since then- it has been about 12 days- she has barely said much to me- the odd "hi" in the middle of the day. She turned down my last invitation over with "I'm making food for Christmas day" with no counter offer. I haven't contacted her in 4 days and vice versa.

The thing is it has never been made properly official that we were a couple(though one point early on she said while a bit tipsy- do you think this could be more? and I blew it off and said- well I wouldn't keep inviting you to things)

Other points: I have met her family, but she has not met mine. I have invited her to a social occasion that she turned down. She is very involved in her young nieces lives and has many pets for companionship. She has a bad relationship with her father which she did not want to talk about. Her last LTR became long distance when she moved towns- meaning sex was very infrequent and I think he cheated on her.

My thought was that she was searching for a reason to end it? or looking for some drama


Advice on how to proceed thanks

She was probably looking for an excuse to go and bang some other dude, which is what she's doing now.

 

[Dash Riprock]

She was putting you on her sh1t test, which you failed. You're not a couple, she's (was) your plate and even if you're fvcking another girl right in front of her, you don't owe her anything.

The obvious mistake was you apologizing to her, you should've said who the fvck are you to look through my phone? And leave her fvcking place.

Probably you're moment of weakness turned her off, so my advice would be save your time and move on, she likely already did.

Don't reach to her, don't text. The ball was on her court and she rejected your hanging out propositions.

When you go completely silence, she will crawl back that's for sure but you will be too busy to reply from fvcking other puzzies. Good luck!

Solid advice.

OP, why in the F*UCK would you apologize to her?

It's YOUR private and personal property and she broke trust and even admitted she shouldn't have done it.

Girls use crying and tantrums all the time to get what they want. I completely agree with @Romanemp22 post--you messed up. Should have taken the phone, scolded her, and left it at that. OR, grab HER PHONE and go through it in front of her. I'd be 99% sure she's communicating with other guys if she's even a HB5+.

Go silent and let her reach out. If she does, YOU remain aloof and just tell "you want to go slow now." This will drive her crazy.

You've got to man up, OP, and be a lot tougher than you demonstrated.

Hopefully, you've learned your lesson.

Good luck.

 

[King Lion]

Put security on your phone!

 

[Bigpapa]

Solid advice.

OP, why in the F*UCK would you apologize to her?

It's YOUR private and personal property and she broke trust and even admitted she shouldn't have done it.

Girls use crying and tantrums all the time to get what they want. I completely agree with @Romanemp22 post--you messed up. Should have taken the phone, scolded her, and left it at that. OR, grab HER PHONE and go through it in front of her. I'd be 99% sure she's communicating with other guys if she's even a HB5+.

Go silent and let her reach out. If she does, YOU remain aloof and just tell "you want to go slow now." This will drive her crazy.

You've got to man up, OP, and be a lot tougher than you demonstrated.

Hopefully, you've learned your lesson.

Good luck.

depends what he wants to do , and how much he likes her

if I were him and likes the girl , I would just explain to her that those things happened before they started dating ( so she does not have the idea that he is cheating , and use this in arguments ) , and then I would continue that trust is the most important thing between 2 people and that in the future rather than breaching this it is better to ask directly

from this on , I would play aloof and wait for her to put a lot of effort to fix the situation

for sure this is a great exercise to see how compatible you guys are , as at the end of the day this is just a childish thing That she did . But for sure it is great to see it she is a type of person with whom you can go through the bad situation or not

 

[Medina]

You apologizing is not the issue here

The issue is that this girl is a b!tch and her interest levels sound very low to me. She was probably LOOKING for an excuse to go cold on you

That's my opinion

 

[coyote_astro]

The discussion should have ended the moment she revealed that she searched your phone without your permission.

 

[Glassguy]

She was simply nosy. They all are.

If the pics and messages were from before you started dating her, you did nothing wrong.
On the other hand, SHE DID.

I think your mindset going forward is to forget her and begin to move on. Never contact her again.

Your mindset should be "I have already found out I can't trust her to respect my privacy. Unless she apologizes, I wouldn't even ENTERTAIN the thought of giving her another chance"

Yes I am serious.

I would likely even say that to her.

This is the best advice.

#1 You already screwed up when you apologized when you should not have. You did nothing wrong.
The problem now is that she holds control and put YOU into the mode of chasing a relationship with HER when it should be the other way around.
You really should have told her that you dont appreciate her disrespectful behavior of going through your phone. Put it all on her and then leave and YOU be the one that is distant and quiet for a few days and watch HER invest more to see you.

So you have already dug yourself a grave......but consider that this is the type of person that she is......she doesnt trust and is a snoop. You havent dated long enough for her to do this stuff.

1.) Always keep your phone locked. Always.
2.) You need to create a private photo app (Keepsafe is good) to save those pics in. Its free and password protected.
3.) If it was me, I would send her a message such as:

"I really dont appreciate you going through my phone. It is disrespectful. Then you have the nerve to start acting weird when I have done nothing wrong. It seems like it might be best to go another direction because I am not going to deal with the silent treatment. Take care"

You will either see how fast she changes her tune or she will be gone.....and if she is gone, she was gone before you sent her the text.

Option B is to just move on and stop reaching out to her. I like sending the message because you at least call her out on her bullshyte.

 

[Bigpapa]

Classic avoidant attachment self-sabotage. She destroyed her relationship, as she is hardwired to.

I think that all women are hardwired to destroy a relationship , just that some are more stubborn than others haha