End FWB because i catched feelings?

[tibrit]

Hey,

against all the advice of my friends I started an affair with my roommate.

We are both 25 and it all started a few weeks after she moved in, about a year ago.

Forced to see each other every day, we spend almost all of our time together and sometimes even sleep in the same bed without having sex.

Basically this is not an FWB but rather an open relationship. Almost all of our friends know about it. Only in public do we keep a low profile.

We don't talk about other partners, but keep everything as secret as possible from each other no one of us brought a other sexpartner of his into the apartment.

She made a lot of allusions but never anything concrete that would lead to a LTR and I was satisfied with the situation right from the start and therefore had no reason to bring up this topic and let the whole thing continue.

While I'm not doing very well with other options at the moment, she seems to be doing fine. You can always tell by the fact that she often visits her "best friend". When I am reading this sentence, it almost seems like I am the husband sitting at home and being cheated on by his wife .

Just because I think something like that, I realize how much I have developed feelings for her that already show clear signs of oneitis. In addition, in the last "lockdown months" there has been a clear betaization, which is also shown by the fact that we have much less sex (at most 2x/week).

These are all very bad signs, so I think that I'd better finish an FWB relationship that is more harming than good for me at the moment.

Apart from sex, paradoxically, she behaves even more intimately than usual and wants to have me around all the time. But for me, it all feels more and more like Friendzone, because sexually, nothing comes from her anymore. I am more or less her best friend who lives together with her.



For a LTR with her the feelings are obviously there, but I have my doubts if it makes sense to turn a currently rather "expiring" FWB into a relationship that we basically already have or had.

Besides, we will both have to move out of the apartment in half a year.



Quitting the FWB situation and looking for another apartment as soon as possible seems to me to be the most logical answer, but it almost feels like breaking up with your girlfriend because you have developed too many feelings for her. I would not be able to get along with a normal friendship without having sex with her. Which I have obviously now realized.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

She isn't your girlfriend. You have created a relationship in your mind that doesn't exist. Your admitted lack of options means you place much greater importance on her.

If you cannot handle the situation as it is then I guess you can eject. I am not sure what is wrong with the current situation. You are banging her and have no commitment. Pretty much every guy's dream.

 

[Asseater]

I would personally eject as soon as possible. I can't see this situation ending favorably for you. If she's basically friendzoning like you said then you need to focus on yourself and put this h0 on ice.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

I would personally eject as soon as possible. I can't see this situation ending favorably for you. If she's basically friendzoning like you said then you need to focus on yourself and put this h0 on ice.

She is friendzoning him because she knows he is way more invested than she is, even if he thinks he is hiding it well.

 

[Glassguy]

against all the advice of my friends I started an affair with my roommate.

sometimes even sleep in the same bed without having sex.

While I'm not doing very well with other options at the moment, she seems to be doing fine

She is getting what she wants. A place to live, sparingly having sex with you, etc. You however are not getting what you want. Its a totally one sided agreement and now you are seeing why people told you it was a bad idea.

it all feels more and more like Friendzone

Because thats what it is.

Besides, we will both have to move out of the apartment in half a year.

Simply tell her this situation is no longer working for you and tell her that she has a week to find her own place.

She moved in with you, which means that you should be the one responsible on the lease and you can in fact make her leave.

When you feel all sad and beta about being direct, think of her sucking that "best friend's" c0ck. Kick her ass out and give yourself a chance at finding someone with potential, as there is no potential here.

from each other no one of us brought a other sexpartner of his into the apartment.

Its kinda hard to have "options" when you cant take them home.

Pull the rug out from under this bytch and tell her to hit the bricks. If she throws a fit, call the law and have her removed along with a restraining order. Tell them she swung at you.

Its no holds barred at this point. Stop being a cuck and take control of this situation.
Youre welcome.

 

[Romanemp22]

Lack of options created neediness on your part. Never start banging girl who is your roommate, nothing good can come out of it.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

She is getting what she wants. A place to live, sparingly having sex with you, etc. You however are not getting what you want. Its a totally one sided agreement and now you are seeing why people told you it was a bad idea.

Because thats what it is.


Simply tell her this situation is no longer working for you and tell her that she has a week to find her own place.

She moved in with you, which means that you should be the one responsible on the lease and you can in fact make her leave.

When you feel all sad and beta about being direct, think of her sucking that "best friend's" c0ck. Kick her ass out and give yourself a chance at finding someone with potential, as there is no potential here.


Its kinda hard to have "options" when you cant take them home.

Pull the rug out from under this bytch and tell her to hit the bricks. If she throws a fit, call the law and have her removed along with a restraining order. Tell them she swung at you.

Its no holds barred at this point. Stop being a cuck and take control of this situation.
Youre welcome.

He can tell her that but here is the issue. Him telling her that doesn't legally mean he has any ability to enforce it.

This is what I keep trying to explain to people. Legally you cannot simply just kick someone out if you don't want them there anymore(at least in the US, but many EU countries are even harder on this). OP didn't even say if she is on the lease or not.

Once a person establishes residency in a place, which is usually 2 weeks in most places or not more than a month, the only means of them being forced out is by eviction. But since OP is not the landlord, he cannot evict her the landlord would have to. And since you legally cannot evict a single party the landlord would have to evict both of them. Also if she isn't on the lease and the landlord doesn't know she is there OP could be opening himself up for legal trouble with the landlord by having a person who isn't on the lease there and that may violate his lease

Be careful on the advice you give regarding this, especially when it is completely wrong. It can have VERY REAL legal and financial consequences for the OP if he follows that advice and she wants to go that route. And very few people do not know lawyers or have friends that know lawyers that they would be telling this to and receiving legal advice on their rights.

OP DO NOT do this unless you want to open yourself up for potentially serious legal and financial issues. At most ask her to leave but even then she can spin it into a he said she said legal issue which would cause you to potentially have to get a lawyer.

This is why you do not ever allow anyone to stay with you for more than a few days unless you want to have this potential headache to deal with.

 

[death_wish. .]

While I'm not doing very well with other options at the moment, she seems to be doing fine. You can always tell by the fact that she often visits her "best friend". When I am reading this sentence, it almost seems like I am the husband sitting at home and being cheated on by his wife .

that must feel horrible , get out of there.
i noticed that as a man , its nice to have a woman around but that's also how attachments get made , thats why you feel like the husband. you are doing everything a husband does you have sex with her, laying down comforting her at night, living with her, even sometimes sleep with no sex. you say she ''hinted'' at gettin in a relationship,if you ignored that then she probably made a point to go out to try and show you her ''value'' that other men want her , this would backfire if she ever tried this with me

 

[tibrit]

that must feel horrible , get out of there.
i noticed that as a man , its nice to have a woman around but that's also how attachments get made , thats why you feel like the husband. you are doing everything a husband does you have sex with her, laying down comforting her at night, living with her, even sometimes sleep with no sex. you say she ''hinted'' at gettin in a relationship,if you ignored that then she probably made a point to go out to try and show you her ''value'' that other men want her , this would backfire if she ever tried this with me

exactly this is what i am thinking now, i have missed the opportunity to make her a LTR by never talking about that "what are we" stuff at all and instead waiting for her to do it.

A few weeks ago, when we had planned something that was relatively important to me and had been planning it for a long time, she lied to me that she urgently needed to go to her parents' house. By chance I found out that she had spent the weekend with a guy.

That hurt me a little for the first time and I took a few days off of her. When she noticed that something was wrong she asked me what was wrong. I told her that it was totally ok if she did something with other guys because we never agreed on exclusivity (yeah beta af) but I hate that she lied to me. After that she started crying and said that she thinks it's weird anyway that we never talked about what's going on between us and that she would lie if she said she never thought about it if it could become a permanent thing with us.

By that time we had hardly had any sex and I dismissed it as more of a drama of a woman who was caught lying and would say anything to keep her "best friend". I only said briefly that I had of course thought about it too, otherwise I didn't go into it further, ignored the "drama" and ****ed her that night.

Since then I have not talked to her about it anymore but rather waited for her to do it, just like "the man seduces the woman, the woman binds". I think this was a mistake because nothing more came from her in that direction.

Besides, we have had almost no sex since then.


Of course she wants to have sex but not with me i guess because she blocks every attempt from me trying to initiate sex but at the same time keeps teasing me relentlessly like laying in my bed naked after showering and stuff and then telling me she is not in the mood wtf. But then she goes and gets her sex somewhere else..

But as I said in the OP she behaves strangely enough even more familiar to me than usual and wants to have me around her all the time.

Either she waits for me to bring up the LTR issue and flagellates me with sex deprivation until then or - which is more plausible for me - I have slipped into the total Friend Zone.

In any case, this is not a dynamic I would like to have in an FWB relationship which should be fun and uncomplicated..

DO NEVER EVER MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE AND **** YOUR ROOMATE

 

[BackInTheGame78]

exactly this is what i am thinking now, i have missed the opportunity to make her a LTR by never talking about that "what are we" stuff at all and instead waiting for her to do it.

A few weeks ago, when we had planned something that was relatively important to me and had been planning it for a long time, she lied to me that she urgently needed to go to her parents' house. By chance I found out that she had spent the weekend with a guy.

That hurt me a little for the first time and I took a few days off of her. When she noticed that something was wrong she asked me what was wrong. I told her that it was totally ok if she did something with other guys because we never agreed on exclusivity (yeah beta af) but I hate that she lied to me. After that she started crying and said that she thinks it's weird anyway that we never talked about what's going on between us and that she would lie if she said she never thought about it if it could become a permanent thing with us.

By that time we had hardly had any sex and I dismissed it as more of a drama of a woman who was caught lying and would say anything to keep her "best friend". I only said briefly that I had of course thought about it too, otherwise I didn't go into it further, ignored the "drama" and ****ed her that night.

Since then I have not talked to her about it anymore but rather waited for her to do it, just like "the man seduces the woman, the woman binds". I think this was a mistake because nothing more came from her in that direction.

Besides, we have had almost no sex since then.


Of course she wants to have sex but not with me i guess because she blocks every attempt from me trying to initiate sex but at the same time keeps teasing me relentlessly like laying in my bed naked after showering and stuff and then telling me she is not in the mood wtf. But then she goes and gets her sex somewhere else..

But as I said in the OP she behaves strangely enough even more familiar to me than usual and wants to have me around her all the time.

Either she waits for me to bring up the LTR issue and flagellates me with sex deprivation until then or - which is more plausible for me - I have slipped into the total Friend Zone.

In any case, this is not a dynamic I would like to have in an FWB relationship which should be fun and uncomplicated..

DO NEVER EVER MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE AND **** YOUR ROOMATE

Instead of telling others not to make this mistake and trying to say it is because she is your roommate, why don't you look at the myriad number of mistakes you have made that have led you to the position you find yourself in?

This had nothing to do with her being your roommate, it had to do with you playing your cards completely wrong and making a series of attraction killing mistakes.

Until you can accept and recognize your culpability in this and work on making serious changes to your behavior and improvements to yourself it wouldn't matter if this woman was your roommate or not, it would end up with the same outcome.

 

[Lookatu]

Forced to see each other every day, we spend almost all of our time together and sometimes even sleep in the same bed without having sex.

Basically this is not an FWB but rather an open relationship.

You said it right there. There is no benefit TO YOU. She's the only one benefitting by getting railed by an alpha chad that just wants sex and she has you as her stable emotional tampon to lean on for all the other emotional stuff.

 

[death_wish. .]

now i see why guys says no roomates , no coworkers or classmates, it gets wierd.
the fact that she lied and blew off something that was important to you shows disrespect.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

OP

I feel for the situation you are in now, regardless of what you may or may not have messed up. The fact remains, you are still facing a difficult situation and the fact that she is rubbing your face in it just pushes it way over the top.

You wanted FWB and that is what you have. But you caught feelings. Now you can't go back to just FWB because you caught feelings.

I do not feel you missed an opportunity to commit with her. The woman brings that up. If she wanted it, she wouldn't be out banging other guys. Fact is, she probably thinks you are hot enough to bang and compatible enough to hang out with as friends, but there is something missing for her that makes her feel she could do better. That's why she likes it like this. And if you entered a FWB relationship with her, you were effectively telling her the same thing (either that or you were telling her you simply don't want commitment with ANY girl).

Asking her for commitment now would be a mistake - I don't think that is why she is teasing you. I would bet $100 she would reject you if you offered her an LTR now. My guess is that, in the dance the two of you have been participating in, she has realized that she holds the upper hand. You KNOW she knows you want her more than you (as she is rejecting your advances), and you KNOW she can read your vibe when she teases you sexually and then rejects you, and you know she has more options than you do (she knows it too). This is not punishment for lack of commitment, this is her being unhealthy and filling her ego by sticking the screws in you and watching your eyes when she turns them. She may try to manipulate you by saying things like you should have asked her for an LTR but that would just be her manipulating you into making you the bad guy and excusing her current attention seeking behavior.

After that she started crying and said that she thinks it's weird anyway that we never talked about what's going on between us and that she would lie if she said she never thought about it if it could become a permanent thing with us.

By that time we had hardly had any sex and I dismissed it as more of a drama of a woman who was caught lying and would say anything to keep her "best friend".

This was very wise of you in my opinion - as that was exactly what I was thinking when I read it. Good instincts.

Either she waits for me to bring up the LTR issue and flagellates me with sex deprivation until then or - which is more plausible for me - I have slipped into the total Friend Zone.

It's the latter. But worse - she is now just fvcking with you and hoovering all of the validation she can get out of you, at your expense. Asking her for an LTR would be the sweet dessert for the meal you've been serving her.

Of course she wants to have sex but not with me i guess because she blocks every attempt from me trying to initiate sex but at the same time keeps teasing me relentlessly like laying in my bed naked after showering and stuff and then telling me she is not in the mood wtf. But then she goes and gets her sex somewhere else..

That was just painful to read. Just because I've been there and know how it feels. That's down-right unhealthy and I think you need to get yourself out of the situation as fast as you possibly can.

 

[jimwho]

Your problems would make some guys jealous. So snap out of it, like you said, it's all coming to an end soon anyway. So Ride the wave. Just watched a B+ movie called "Moonstruck" Nick Cage got all mushy with Cher, she slapped the dog shet out of him and said SNAP OUT OF IT. You dug a hole, put ice & beer in it, now tweak your brain and get happy.

 

[Glassguy]

He can tell her that but here is the issue. Him telling her that doesn't legally mean he has any ability to enforce it.

This is what I keep trying to explain to people. Legally you cannot simply just kick someone out if you don't want them there anymore(at least in the US, but many EU countries are even harder on this). OP didn't even say if she is on the lease or not.

Once a person establishes residency in a place, which is usually 2 weeks in most places or not more than a month, the only means of them being forced out is by eviction. But since OP is not the landlord, he cannot evict her the landlord would have to. And since you legally cannot evict a single party the landlord would have to evict both of them. Also if she isn't on the lease and the landlord doesn't know she is there OP could be opening himself up for legal trouble with the landlord by having a person who isn't on the lease there and that may violate his lease

Be careful on the advice you give regarding this, especially when it is completely wrong. It can have VERY REAL legal and financial consequences for the OP if he follows that advice and she wants to go that route. And very few people do not know lawyers or have friends that know lawyers that they would be telling this to and receiving legal advice on their rights.

OP DO NOT do this unless you want to open yourself up for potentially serious legal and financial issues. At most ask her to leave but even then she can spin it into a he said she said legal issue which would cause you to potentially have to get a lawyer.

This is why you do not ever allow anyone to stay with you for more than a few days unless you want to have this potential headache to deal with.

Which is why I said to just call the law, tell them she is in an irate fit and was hitting him. She gets arrested, he gets a restraining order and....whalla. Problem solved. Boy wouldnt her head be spinning lol

From there he needs to learn how to interact with women and get what he wants out of the situation.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Which is why I said to just call the law, tell them she is in an irate fit and was hitting him. She gets arrested, he gets a restraining order and....whalla. Problem solved. Boy wouldnt her head be spinning lol

From there he needs to learn how to interact with women and get what he wants out of the situation.

So set himself up for potential false police statements, libel, defamation of character and/or false imprisonment lawsuits/charges?

Not my style but OP knock yourself out if you are feeling frisky. Make sure you have access to a good lawyer first tho.

 

[Glassguy]

So set himself up for potential false police statements, libel, defamation of character and/or false imprisonment lawsuits/charges?

Not my style but OP knock yourself out if you are feeling frisky. Make sure you have access to a good lawyer first tho.

Ok...maybe the first of poor advice that I have given on the board lol

 

[oldmanofthesea]

One more piece of advice. While you are working on getting out of there, to try to take back some of your dignity and help make things more tolerable for you:

Do not try to initiate sex again and shift your interactions with her to be completely platonic
Don't touch her - but it's ok if she touches you
If she is walking around naked, don't look at her but don't be obvious that you are going out of your way not to. You could even walk up to her while she is walking around naked and ask her a question about some mundane thing like the power-bill, but act like she is fully dressed - be very matter-of-fact.
Don't make any plans with her
Don't act upset or butt-hurt about anything
Be friendly. Have conversations. Play some board games. Watch movies. Be normal.

Think of her as a friend you who's company you really enjoy, but who tends to be flakey so you've learned that it's best to enjoy their company while you happen to be at the same place at the same time but you won't make plans with them, and also someone who you have absolutely zero sexual attraction to at all.... but not someone who repulses you.

Also get busy outside the house. Go hang out with friends or go hiking or camping or something.

 

[Glassguy]

One more piece of advice. While you are working on getting out of there, to try to take back some of your dignity and help make things more tolerable for you:

Do not try to initiate sex again and shift your interactions with her to be completely platonic
Don't touch her - but it's ok if she touches you
If she is walking around naked, don't look at her but don't be obvious that you are going out of your way not to. You could even walk up to her while she is walking around naked and ask her a question about some mundane thing like the power-bill, but act like she is fully dressed - be very matter-of-fact.
Don't make any plans with her
Don't act upset or butt-hurt about anything
Be friendly. Have conversations. Play some board games. Watch movies. Be normal.

Think of her as a friend you who's company you really enjoy, but who tends to be flakey so you've learned that it's best to enjoy their company while you happen to be at the same place at the same time but you won't make plans with them, and also someone who you have absolutely zero sexual attraction to at all.... but not someone who repulses you.

Also get busy outside the house. Go hang out with friends or go hiking or camping or something.

100% agree.
Start cutting the loss now, start moving on now, start finding other options NOW!
There is no "prepare for the worst, hope for the best". It wont get better.

Start acting like a man, be a man, most importantly, its a fresh start for OP to be the man he wants to be...starting now.

 

[death_wish. .]

how to interact with women and get what he wants out of the situation.

tru