I like this.. the mind is the worst enemy for sure.. I always focus on some of the worst outcomes.. and somehow ended up crashing into them.. (dont hit the wall with the car.... crash... shatter..)I started reading (Quite extensively) Pscyho-cybernetics that was referred to on this site. Excellent book.
Here's one little tip I got from this Maxwell Malts MD. It's already helped me to NOT fucose on things MADE UP in my IMAGINATION bc your nervous system is connected to your thoughts and that mechanism cannot tell the difference between what is real and not real.
What causes anxiety, nervousness, tension, worry is the habit of responding EMOTIONALLY to something that doesn't exist except in our imaginations. We create strawmen in our imaginations & emotionally respond to our own mental pictures. That most likely won't even happen.
This helps if you try this...
(ps a minute: I want to create a new post about something to talk about but I end up commenting but I got one coming. Eventually)
When I worry about a situation w/ a sweetie that's been brewing since summer I tell myself 'Not to answer that bell' let the phone ring. It's just made up whimsical ideas contoured up by my imagination. Stay in the moment that I'm presently in and ONLY fucose on whats going on NOW. Thats when your creative mechanism works it doesn't work for tomorrow or yesterday. It's not easy to do but it gets easy, practice.
Here's an example of my creative mechanism at work and not letting me down..
My wife's best friend calls nearly everyday, right. We've had a crush on each other going back yrs. She's made little moves I've made little move's. long story. It was her 40 b-day other day I wished her a happy birthday the day before (while wife on phone w/ her, me in background) I thought wife would be out early so I couldn't really wish her H-Bday on actual day but turns out she was home nxt day I didnt want to lamely say H-B-Day again? okay.
So at the time, moments before her calling I created the solution or my creative mechanism did. Here's how I did it gents
While they were talking, she's mad at her husband for waiting for the last minute stuff. I said (prior to my move) in conjunction w/ my wife that guys don't mature until age 50. Wife was saying that this was my case. She builds me up ALL the time to this little sweetie I don't have to do a lot of the work I keep it low. lol. She's slip't in stuff like "And he's cute, too! To add whatever my wife was boasting about at the time. But then apologizing once my wife would say "yes he is cute Liza I agree with you" LOL Loved that!!
So I come up to the phone and say to both of them "hey you guys, I have an announcement to make" Wife says "what? that when ur 50?" I go "No thats not it.. are u both listening? THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT" I was real serious too. They both stopped talking then I went "Happy birthday Liza " I got a "Ahhhh that is so SWEET!" I LOVE how he did THAT! Thank You Andy (not my real name or hers) She went on & on a little bit.
I only came up w/ lame ideas the night before cuz it wasnt time to act. The mechanism couldn't be activated. HAFTA GO BOY"S SEEYA
Seeya wouldnt wanna be ya !! lol
Marriage advice
- Thread starter Ricky
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if you go deep into anger management therapy, you’ll discover that your mind is actually divided into parts, and that you control these parts. Anger is just one part of the mind that you control. The same self control used over the parts of your mind when managing ones anger is the same self control used in game overall. Life, women, competitors, you need to get control over your own thoughts. We all must deal with self generated negative thinking in life, the weak are controlled by their own negative thinking, the strong can learn to ignore thoughts that serve no good.
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I have never had jealousy issues with her before. The jealousy and anger are closely tied.
Since we have had arguments about who she talks to etc, she has obviously rebelled and spends even more time on the phone shutting myself and my daughter out. I do figure eventually she will run out of things to talk about, in particular if i dont continue to feed the fire by being angry or controlling
Since we have had arguments about who she talks to etc, she has obviously rebelled and spends even more time on the phone shutting myself and my daughter out. I do figure eventually she will run out of things to talk about, in particular if i dont continue to feed the fire by being angry or controlling
This is very good. I also notice that there is a component of fatigue involved. I worked alot of extra hours the last two months and most of the fights occurred later in the evening when fatigue. The worst fight occurred after several days of poor sleep and after a long day at work where a project i worked on ran into issues due to a defective product we received from a vendor. I was obviously in a bad mood so it set the stage for an argument at home
metalwater
Master Don Juan
is this also her daughter that she is shutting out?
She isnt shutting out our daughter in the sense of not talking to her like she is me. But she is on the phone so much that she is essentially neglecting her a bit.
I am hoping as things cool down she will have less to talk about (especially to her girlfriends). As for the guy friend he lives far away and i just have to be less jealous and angry. He can be her emotional tampon and i dont need to worry about a long distance emotional affair with a guy that has nothing to do but talk for hours.
I am hoping as things cool down she will have less to talk about (especially to her girlfriends). As for the guy friend he lives far away and i just have to be less jealous and angry. He can be her emotional tampon and i dont need to worry about a long distance emotional affair with a guy that has nothing to do but talk for hours.
metalwater
Master Don Juan
good, make sure to get started asap on something to keep busy that is of value to you that will keep your attention away from what she is or is not doing. not just for her, but also for you.
Just a thought... your sure the guy lives far away. Do you know that any other way than her telling you? I hope the best for you, the model you have explained doesn't sound good. The thing is she was ramping up sex with you and then dropped out. One reason that happens is that she is attracted to someone else who is lighting her up, where previously she was bored with it. Was the sex really personal, loving and bonding, or a bit wild and untamed? The drop off happens when she decides to not cheat on him anymore. If it was really loving and affectionate then probably ok. If it was a bit more wild than usual, that is the model of the problems.
if she is not on birth control, you can monitor her cycle and moods vs that (assuming your not yet in don't care mode). you can look up on google how it works. if she is more bitchy to you when ovulating, she is focused on another man at some level. if she is more bitchy during menstruation then she is upset with you and not feeling safe. you can also notice if those occasional trips she take out, matches with the cycle days of ovulation.. or just a couple of days before menstruation. some women get a testosterone boost a few days before ovulation due to the way the hormones can work, this will make her horny and also she knows it is a low chance of pregnancy. all sorts of theories... keep a journal to understand the pattern. again assuming you care, the general advice is usually to just not care and if she wants to keep you she can shape up. it does sound like she prefers to keep you in some capacity.
I started learning her language but I will also need to work on other things to keep super busy and avoid thinking about this all the time. I have a huge backlog of reading. As far as career, i have a really solid career and can always find things in my field to work on, but i've worked alot extra the last few months and need a break. I have the week off next week.
The guy does live far away 6 hours. I've actually talked to him on the phone and text because i was so angry about her talking to him so much. I know thats bad. He is friends with another woman from her country in town so has been here to visit before.
My friends say i'm my own worst enemy here and i think there is some truth to it. Losing my cool, being angry and all that has lowered my value. If there is any hope in saving the marriage, i have to follow their advice as well as yours and thats to minimize interactions, do my own thing and focus on my daughter. If she wants to turn around she will. She has more to lose in this than me as I have the good career and she quit work on both of our suggestions when covid hit. She may get a new job or go back to school soon which will be good for her.
We both took divorce off the table in a conversation Wed, but i am not sure what type of marriage we will have. We also then had an argument Thursday. Last night was peaceful between us (had another family issue with my parents to worry about)
I almost want to subscribe to the time heals all wounds theory. We keep reopening the wounds with the arguments we had. Before all the fighting started we were always content in giving each other space. At times my wife would be doing her thing in one room, my daughter in another and me in my office. I need to almost trick myself into thinking this is a new normal... new normal lite where i dont push for intimacy or anything for awhile.
With regards to her sex drive.. PM me to talk about that.. i could write a thesis on whats going on there..
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Not sure how going down the “what if she is cheating” rabbit hole is going do any good for OP’s situation. This would be a classic example of negative thinking, and my personal advice is for OP to train his mind to shut down these kinds of speculative thoughts. As mentioned earlier, unless he literally catches them in the act, there is nothing of positive value gained from speculating about this. I mentioned that when I was in almost the same situation as OP, I received tons of great advice here. Take “what if she is cheating” off the table. There is nothing you can do to change what she is doing, but there are tons of things you can do to change yourself for the better.
OP needs to focus only on the things he can control, and on making the best use of the 8-10 useable hours he has a day. Reading through posts about how his wife is probably cheating, and keeping a journal of her ovulation cycle is going to do very little to help him.
1. Anger management therapist
2. Gym
3. Ignore wife (other than parenting...)
4. Spend more one on one time with your kid
I’m taking a bit of a break from this thread as I’m starting to repeat myself. If you stick to these 4 things for a good six months, whatever happens, you will come away looking and feeling better, and having the necessary tools to navigate whatever waters lay ahead. At best, she comes around and you can learn to stop applying blue pill solutions to your marriage. At worst, it goes the divorce route, but you will be strong enough to survive, and most importantly, you will be in the best position to be there for your kid.
OP needs to focus only on the things he can control, and on making the best use of the 8-10 useable hours he has a day. Reading through posts about how his wife is probably cheating, and keeping a journal of her ovulation cycle is going to do very little to help him.
1. Anger management therapist
2. Gym
3. Ignore wife (other than parenting...)
4. Spend more one on one time with your kid
I’m taking a bit of a break from this thread as I’m starting to repeat myself. If you stick to these 4 things for a good six months, whatever happens, you will come away looking and feeling better, and having the necessary tools to navigate whatever waters lay ahead. At best, she comes around and you can learn to stop applying blue pill solutions to your marriage. At worst, it goes the divorce route, but you will be strong enough to survive, and most importantly, you will be in the best position to be there for your kid.
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Thanks guys i love all the advice here. I am a talker and i have to hash and rehash things and overanalyze them....
I agree i have to stop the cheating rabbit hole thing. I have to convince myself that her countrymate pen pal 6 hours away is not a threat. He doesnt make good money, cant visit often, but has tons of time to spend on the phone with her in her language...its way better than if she was getting close to one of the neighbors lol.
The 6 month time frame is interesting. A good guy friend of mine mentioned that time frame too. He said if i am not patient get a divorce now but if i want the marriage to work i have to patient and call for at least 6 months and maybe even a year
I agree i have to stop the cheating rabbit hole thing. I have to convince myself that her countrymate pen pal 6 hours away is not a threat. He doesnt make good money, cant visit often, but has tons of time to spend on the phone with her in her language...its way better than if she was getting close to one of the neighbors lol.
The 6 month time frame is interesting. A good guy friend of mine mentioned that time frame too. He said if i am not patient get a divorce now but if i want the marriage to work i have to patient and call for at least 6 months and maybe even a year
1. This post alone shows you are completely focused on her, and who she may be with, etc. Shut it down completely.
2. Divorce with kids is absolute hell, and she will destroy you. This is not a preferred option despite what others may tell you. You will be lucky to see your kid once a week at the beginning. To mitigate this, you need to start spending lots of one on one time with your daughter now, and establishing a long term pattern of behaviour that shows you are capable of being a decent single parent. Focus on being a dad. Focus on strengthening your mind. Focus on getting in shape. Stop focusing on your wife, and who she may or may not be hooking up with.
True i mean the irony is by the only way to have a chance to work it out with her is to stop focusing on her completely. But what is the balance between being too cold vs just disinterested.. Doesn't it have to warm up at some point? I think we need to get to peaceful again at a minimum.
I dont think she wants divorce at all.. she is not willing to share custody..she wants to be with my daughter everyday and so do I.
I dont think she wants divorce at all.. she is not willing to share custody..she wants to be with my daughter everyday and so do I.
It warms up when she stops connecting with her guy friends and starts respecting you and your frame. The more attention you give her, and the more you keep losing your shyt and allowing yourself to be ruled by your emotions, the less she will respect you. This is red pill 101 and there are people here that can coach you on this better than myself.
Good luck,
Good luck,
mrgoodstuff
Master Don Juan
You gotta stop talking about it in general. Been there done that. Find that group and activities to get INTO.
mrgoodstuff
Master Don Juan
Any mention of it keeps it on your mind. By the way it's literally a CUCK wavelength. You really do not want to stay there. If you got some single friends, it's a perfect opportunity to start hanging with those guys.
Eventually the discipline needs to be strong enough that you are so into yourself and your life outside of her, that the THOUGHTS never even occur. So self absorbed doing your thing.
metalwater
Master Don Juan
Resolve to make changes. She is definitely chatting up with a dude that her friend(s) have been with and she has met. As long as she is focused on that guy, she does not listen to or feel or anything good about OP. She turned off sex because she is in her mind with chat boy. All that chat is filling her emotional (mental) needs and also for attention. She is unavailable for OP right now. Almost anything he will do will only hurt him and strengthen her and chat boy.
The language thing is a huge deal and something that is super hard to keep any type of frame in this situation. If OP does not care, and that being the advice usually then he never even asks this question. He does care, he wants his wife to respect and love(admire) him. There are three ways chat boy ends. 1, OP exposes something about it that is shameful. 2, OP gets mutch more attractive by being on his purpose and perhaps some other RP things. Frankly, this just doesn't happen if she is focused on chat boy because those channels to her are blocked. 3, something happens between her and chat boy to end it (huge list of possibilities), this is the usual way.
Right now there is a little demon in his mind like a hamster, but an evil hamster. The issue is that the hamster can be right. This is a terrible and painful situation. One way to BREAK the deadlock in the mind is to internalize what it is that she is doing for what it is. Chatting up another guy in front of you at the same time criticize and ignore us is a really painful situation, it causes us to question our self, our worth, if we are a man, all bad things. The players that never develop a family because they are so strong, would of course have already next.