Marriage advice

[mrgoodstuff]

She wont agree to seek counseling even though she needs it. She has been a little more peaceful and civil towards me. I would like to see her take more steps but she is trying to pin all the blame on me currently.

I'm not sure how to word it but you need to show and convey that she's not about to pvssy out and put all the blame on you.

 

[EyeBRollin]

Get back to the marriage-relationship basics:

-Don’t text or talk on the phone for anything other than logistics
-Take the initiative to do some indoor housework
-When her attitude gets back to “neutral,” ask her out on a DATE. No kids for this date. Get a sitter.
-No physical or sexual contact until she initiates it.

When on the date, keep it light and fun. No serious topics. Make her laugh. Be romantic. Act like this is a first or second date.

 

[Ricky]

Get back to the marriage-relationship basics:

-Don’t text or talk on the phone for anything other than logistics
-Take the initiative to do some indoor housework
-When her attitude gets back to “neutral,” ask her out on a DATE. No kids for this date. Get a sitter.
-No physical or sexual contact until she initiates it.

When on the date, keep it light and fun. No serious topics. Make her laugh. Be romantic. Act like this is a first or second date.

Yep the minimal contact seems to be the top thing out of anything mentioned. Its hard for me because i am a talker and think i can fix things. I realized i was good at picking up and seducing women and making them feel good. I am not good at all at conflict resolution though...

The housework thing is a big issue.. she is super clean and i'm messy. I've been making a concerted effort to not be messy at all.

I totally agree about the date.. she would totally say no now to it.

Other than back touches or minimal contact which i do to keep some level of interaction, i agree i will be going without both for a while. I'm almost trying to take a deployed soldier mindset currently. I need to read every book on stoicism i have (all the ryan holiday stuff and more).

Thanks everyone i appreciate all the comments. The first half of yesterday was peaceful but we had a few minor issues later.. mostly because i am tired of her being on the phone constantly.

 

[Ricky]

I'm not sure how to word it but you need to show and convey that she's not about to pvssy out and put all the blame on you.

She has put all the blame on me at least for now.. both to her parents and at least one of her friends. The other friend who i'm also good friends with knows better and sticks up for me. If that woman friend from her same culture wasn't married i'd just hang out with her lol, since we have very similar personalities and she's a ton of fun. I met her at the same time as my wife many years ago, but she lives about 2.5 hours away from us now.

 

[Spaz]

This is the tough part with any leadership attempt currently. She already calls me a dictator who treats her like a prisoner.

I suppose in terms of plans the consensus from all my advisors (mostly friends and the therapist/psychologist) is to let things cool down first. That's where giving space and only having minimal interaction with her works. We've been almost constantly fighting for a month. Things might cool down for a few days then we have the talk again and it goes poorly.

So heres how the plan may look

1) Cool down until the peace is securely at hand
2) Continue seeing the therapist to get my mind straight
3) Workout, get plenty of sleep and eat healthy and read like I always like to do
4) Continue the language class to learn her language
5) Keep my work hard/play hard fun approach to life. .act as if things are back to normal (minus pushing for intimacy and closeness as she has been pulling away from that)
6) Have as much fun playing with my daughter as I can until my wifes interest and attraction builds up in me again.

Leadership is not abt just giving orders.

Leadership is abt empowerment, delegating responsibility whereby u r the ultimate bearer of it, you are also required to initiate plans that's inclusive that would ultimately make both ur wife and daughter want to be part of, you do it smartly.

I've given an example of how it could be done to someone on here before, in a similar situation as urs, its somewhere, you just got to search for it if u r interested.

All of ur plans, that u hv listed, doesn't look good to me.

Find the thread that I've talk abt earlier, it might spark some ideas into you and might just possibly also save ur marriage.

Take the initiative, don't wait for cool down this or that.

 

[Ricky]

We have been fighting for approximately a month and a half off and on.. It cools down but it flickers up again. I've been extremely busy at work during this time period which has been a positive.

She is the most stubborn woman i've dated but also a great woman and mother. I know how she operates mentally but its hard to win an argument with her as they all end in stalemate. Normally i'd just get the silent treatment with her, but instead she is fighting back kind of hard when we bring it up now.

I am seeing slow signs of progress. In a marriage battle going fast means progress is slow.. going slow means progress is fast.

 

[metalwater]

The first half of yesterday was peaceful but we had a few minor issues later.. mostly because i am tired of her being on the phone constantly.

you told this a couple of times, about her phone. why does It bother you? What are you doing while she is on the phone? I assume she is chatting/talking/interacting with her friends and browse social media, old and new ppl. some you know, some you don't. some are men and it is in a different language so you don't know what they are saying except that she seems to be really interested. what are you doing at the same time, just sitting and watching her and waiting for her to pay attention to you? Or pretending to do something else while being mad about her on the phone. it annoys you because she is paying attention to it instead of paying attention to you. yes there are men in it, and that makes it seem different... but if she was ignoring you and just playing a game on the phone would you still be as irritated with it? If yes, why? She apparently has other interests and ppl to entertain her if she wants, how about you? Feel free to chat/txt/communicate with any of her girlfriends or yours that are single. Don't have to date them, just communicate so you have someone to talk to.

you must find something else to do that is useful and generates value. start an online business or any business. volunteer for something... this generates soft and social value. just something... and do a good job at it whatever it is. This is critical

you can never win an argument with her, you know this if you are a pickup dude from before. the only way to win... is that she increases respect or interest in you to the point that she submits again or gives way. you can not win the argument with her by convincing her that you are correct(she does not care if you are wrong or correct, she only cares about how she feels and you being correct and her wrong does not feel good so she will not allow it). you can not negotiate with her, every time you try your position will get worse. you can at the right moment choose to enforce any policy that you want to for your home/relationship. doing that at any time might raise or lower her respect/interest.

 

[Ricky]

I do agree. I have a really good job which takes up alot of time, but i will spend alot more time reading and maybe even start writing a book. I do agree volunteering could increase social value, i'm just hesitant due to the covid-19 pandemic and the nature of my job and some of my other responsibilities to spend too much time in public.

 

[rart]

Yeah and i told her why is she letting her friends cause issues in the relationship. She is just so stubborn. She always has stayed up super late but its bad now that instead of binge watching Soap operas she is talking to some AFCs

You should accept the fact that she has checked out. Ask me how I know

 

[Andy Dufresne]

So tomorrow I have a class in her language. It isn't a common one so it isn't on Duolingo. I've had experiences in the past where I had to travel for a job and was in a foreign country. During meetings I didn't know the language and it was frustrating. Learning even a little made the situation a lot less frustrating.

Good idea! Then when she's speaking w/ her family over the phone or something you can discern a little bit better w/ where she's coming from. Get some clues.

 

[Ricky]

You should accept the fact that she has checked out. Ask me how I know

Its possible but i think its recoverable

 

[Ricky]

Its possible but i think its recoverable. How do you know?

 

[Spaz]

This marriage is as good as dead.

All you do is a reaction to what ur wife does or doesn't do.

Ur wife is now the boss in ur marriage, herein lies the problem - she is reacting to other men instead of you. In essence, u r being managed by other men, remotely, via ur own wife.

How does that make you feel huh?

I told you to take charge but you give endless excuses.

No wonder ur wife lost attraction towards you, you're just another puzzy whom she's stuck with now. Do you know of any women that would be excited to be stuck in a marriage with another "woman" when all she want is a man?

 

[Ricky]

This marriage is as good as dead.

All you do is a reaction to what ur wife does or doesn't do.

Ur wife is now the boss in ur marriage, herein lies the problem - she is reacting to other men instead of you. In essence, u r being managed by other men, remotely, via ur own wife.

How does that make you feel huh?

I told you to take charge but you give endless excuses.

No wonder ur wife lost attraction towards you, you're just another puzzy whom she's stuck with now. Do you know of any women that would be excited to be stuck in a marriage with another "woman" when all she want is a man?

How do i take charge without it leading to blowout fights all the time?

 

[Spaz]

How do i take charge without it leading to blowout fights all the time?

The was an old poster here, who would constantly whine abt his wife and daughters.

They don't respect him.

Each time he opens his mouth, he'd have an argument, with his daughters siding their mom.

Maybe his situation is even worse then yours.

I gave him a solution, one that he admits is brilliant, now, he's no where to be seen on this forum, I would assume that he is now successful enough with it and busy with what he most desires then being in Sosuave to moan and cry endlessly for years on end.

If anyone knows that link, I've forgotten which thread, kindly forward it to him.

In it, I gave him a step by step follow-through to do, one that will get his daughters and also wife all excited AND still come out as the BOSS.

All it takes is leadership, I don't mean initiate an argument, I mean effective leadership that gets results.

 

[Ricky]

Thanks Spaz i was searching your posts the other day when you made reference to it but hadnt found it yet. This board was always helpful to me years ago as a single guy

 

[DEEZEDBRAH]

I used to post here back in the days I was a pickup artist. Now I've been with the same woman for 14 years and married for 11.

We hit our first big patch of trouble here recently.. not sure how deep a dive i wont to go into details of what caused it. In any event i'm at the need to give her alot of space part of the conflict resolution. We were having a really elevated level of sex this year since covid hit and there was nothing else to do lol. But now I'm cut off.. and i guess i'm wondering the best tips to get the passion off after say a month of pretty serious arguments and fighting.

Most people are really focusing on the minimal convo/contact for a while until everything cools down. One other married friend said he and his wife have had arguments that went on for 2 weeks and led to them only communicating minimally and mainly texting while in the same house.

We have a daughter together and she is 7 and awesome, so i kind of just want to focus on being the best dad for her now and avoid divorce. Sorry to be so vague on what caused all of this, but i will admit i have developed some anger issues related to it and i'm going to see a psychologist over it tomorrow for the first time.

Best tips for increasing my value and attraction for her...

Best advice, turn back time and don't marry.

 

[DEEZEDBRAH]

How do i take charge without it leading to blowout fights all the time?

Get side piece. The problem with marriage is the inevitable fallout and inability to walk without divorce rapey. Set boundaries.

Be willing to walk at the cost of the marriage business. Boundaries. Not in the mood means next.

 

[Spaz]

Get side piece. The problem with marriage is the inevitable fallout and inability to walk without divorce rapey. Set boundaries.

Be willing to walk at the cost of the marriage business. Boundaries. Not in the mood means next.

He has a kid, and we must strive to allow our members here the luxury of maintaining that strong family unit through our advice.

 

[Ricky]

Thanks to everyone. I am trying to stick to strict low to no contact with the wife this week even though i live with her. Ive been called controlling, a dictator and accused of tracking her. All three have been true. I will be giving her the gift of missing me this week