Marriage advice

[Ricky]

Yeah and i told her why is she letting her friends cause issues in the relationship. She is just so stubborn. She always has stayed up super late but its bad now that instead of binge watching Soap operas she is talking to some AFCs

 

[metalwater]

Yeah getting her to quit talking to people has been making her double down.. She says "I don't bother you when you talk to your friends"

she will make it general and tell that you do not want her to talk to any people. have to make it crystal clear that is not true. you DO want her to talk to her family if possible and her girlfriends (well, most of them...). You know she needs that and it's good. You only do not want her talking about non-business topics with other men that will have sex with her if she would let them. she will try to twist this so that you sound like you try to isolate her, it is not true, and do not allow that twist. make it clear what exactly you don't want. She will intentionally try to muddy this point so as to confuse it.

sounds like she immigrated to be your wife... and now is talking to men in her home county in the native language. perhaps old friends or old boyfriends. is this how it is or how did you end up with a lady of a different language? there are a few hear that know about those types of things. what language or country.. if you can say, different places have different ways about these things.

has she told you that if you do not like it you can leave or divorce? this is the ultimate hammer in a relationship, termination. if she is already playing that then you don't have many options on what to do about it. if she is not doing that yet, then you might be able to convert all of this advice into a plan that works. if the other men are in another country, then she probably is not physical with them for now. maybe in the past or future but not now. but you likely notice her mood and excitement with them that should be directed to you.

you must find something else to do that is useful and generates value. start an online business or any business. volunteer for something... this generates soft and social value. just something... and do a good job at it whatever it is.

When she starts getting bitchy, and I know just how bitchy they can get. There is no value in listening to her rage, no value for you or her. just go to another room or visit a friend. If you can't or don't want to do that, then think about it like that she is a child, like a toddler. Remember how the kids would act up as a toddler and you could see how silly it was. Get the same mind with this woman, crazy toddler, you would never get mad at a toddler, just annoyed and sometimes even laff at the silly rage the kid could come up with. It is the same.

 

[Ricky]

Not sure if AFC is even an acronym here anymore like it used to be 18 years ago lol

 

[Ricky]

she will make it general and tell that you do not want her to talk to any people. have to make it crystal clear that is not true. you DO want her to talk to her family if possible and her girlfriends (well, most of them...). You know she needs that and it's good. You only do not want her talking about non-business topics with other men that will have sex with her if she would let them. she will try to twist this so that you sound like you try to isolate her, it is not true, and do not allow that twist. make it clear what exactly you don't want. She will intentionally try to muddy this point so as to confuse it.

sounds like she immigrated to be your wife... and now is talking to men in her home county in the native language. perhaps old friends or old boyfriends. is this how it is or how did you end up with a lady of a different language? there are a few hear that know about those types of things. what language or country.. if you can say, different places have different ways about these things.

has she told you that if you do not like it you can leave or divorce? this is the ultimate hammer in a relationship, termination. if she is already playing that then you don't have many options on what to do about it. if she is not doing that yet, then you might be able to convert all of this advice into a plan that works. if the other men are in another country, then she probably is not physical with them for now. maybe in the past or future but not now. but you likely notice her mood and excitement with them that should be directed to you.

you must find something else to do that is useful and generates value. start an online business or any business. volunteer for something... this generates soft and social value. just something... and do a good job at it whatever it is.

When she starts getting bitchy, and I know just how bitchy they can get. There is no value in listening to her rage, no value for you or her. just go to another room or visit a friend. If you can't or don't want to do that, then think about it like that she is a child, like a toddler. Remember how the kids would act up as a toddler and you could see how silly it was. Get the same mind with this woman, crazy toddler, you would never get mad at a toddler, just annoyed and sometimes even laff at the silly rage the kid could come up with. It is the same.

She is acting like a teenager for sure. I met her in the US she is from a southeast asian country. I like this...

one of my good guy friends pointed out how irrationally women act when they are angry. She is pissed at me for sure mainly for interrupting her phone calls but also for some of the sexual fantasy talk that was a precursor to my problems.

when we really argue and get angry she will throw out the divorce idea but i am not convinced either of us are serious about the idea

i just hate this cold war and know it will end eventually but her phone orbiters due cause me alot of jealousy. Ive never experienced such jealousy before:

the psychologist suggested to avoid any activities or arguments that push her away etc. so basically she echoed alot of the advice of doing my own thing until this calms down

 

[metalwater]

She is acting like a teenager for sure. I met her in the US she is from a southeast asian country. I like this...

Catholic or Buddhist?

How did she come to the US originally?

 

[Lynx nkaf]

Is your psychologist certified to conduct court ordered anger management therapy? If not, get rid of him/her and find one who is. Most are social workers.

You need to learn to effectively handle your anger if you’re going to get through this. Get it under control. Once you have a good grasp on how to control your emotions, you need to tell her that the opposite sex friendships end now. And, you back it up by ending yours.

If you don’t have a firm grasp on how to control your anger, you will fly off the handle when you tell her to end the relationships. She will resist. If she defies you, maintain a calm demeanour and continue going out without telling her where you’re going or what you’re doing. Join a midnight gym and channel your rage into pumping iron.

I’m giving you solid advice here. Do it before it’s too late. Divorce with kids is hell. That said, you have a ways to go on your red pill journey. I was in your exact shoes when I joined this forum. I thought the advice I was getting here was crazy but the guys who beat me down with what I thought was “crazy” advice ended up being 100% right. Your psychologist is right in saying you can’t control what she does, but you CAN control what you do.

Good luck and keep posting.

going to a midnight gym and pumping iron is an amazing idea. It will give you purpose while she's on her late night phone calls because of time zone difference.
It will be incredible to look in the mirror and see developed muscles as a result of this!

Also, 'forget' to pay your phone bill.

 

[Ricky]

Catholic or Buddhist?

How did she come to the US originally?

Buddhist and she came here years ago for an au pair program

 

[Ricky]

going to a midnight gym and pumping iron is an amazing idea. It will give you purpose while she's on her late night phone calls because of time zone difference.
It will be incredible to look in the mirror and see developed muscles as a result of this!

Also, 'forget' to pay your phone bill.

We are both members of the same gym now but havent been going since covid hit

 

[Ricky]

going to a midnight gym and pumping iron is an amazing idea. It will give you purpose while she's on her late night phone calls because of time zone difference.
It will be incredible to look in the mirror and see developed muscles as a result of this!

Also, 'forget' to pay your phone bill.

Oh i wish it was as easy as just shutting off the phone. She uses one of those apps to talk to most of her friends

 

[Lynx nkaf]

Oh i wish it was as easy as just shutting off the phone. She uses one of those apps to talk to most of her friends

aren't apps just on phones? are they available on laptops/desktops too?

sorry for question I should know answer to but I've never paid for internet service to a home laptop or computer. Just paid for data service on my phone.

That's a serious delay in going to the gym. Maybe start building a home gym. Start with barbell and plates.

 

[Ricky]

Yeah i suppose i could just shut off her phone but that seems a bit extreme for now or at least guaranteed to start a huge fight where she calls me a dictator again

We technically have a remote gym and workout there together. Our gym will broadcast some live workouts

 

[Ricky]

She has always stayed up real late and had little regard for being on time etc. Typically shed spend that time watching soap operas etc. I think what triggered me is all the time is spent talking to people now instead. Granted it probably all started related to relationship issues.

 

[metalwater]

how does the contribution balance in the relationship look? in addition to sex and affection, what else does she provide for the team?

 

[Lynx nkaf]

Yeah i suppose i could just shut off her phone but that seems a bit extreme for now or at least guaranteed to start a huge fight where she calls me a dictator again

We technically have a remote gym and workout there together. Our gym will broadcast some live workouts

I think I know what you mean. You mean those boot camp classes like kickboxing or some other fitness class.

There's a more important part to 'gym time' and for a man that means lifting heavy things. Whether you use machines or free weights like a barbell and plates, got to be lifting heavy weights.

If you search this sosuave forum you'll find lift names that you can put into the search on youtube and get videos that can teach proper form.
'squat' and 'deadlift' are the two most important types of lifts.

Try to find a way to start lifting heavy things to rip open your muscles.

As a man there's a really helpful natural reaction and its when testosterone floods your system when there's been a lifting heavy stress on it.
So lifting heavy will bring more testosterone to change your body and repair the torn muscles into biggersized muscles but what some of us know the secret is that testosterone also changes the way you think.
So you'll often see advice about women on here that also includes lifting heavy things.
Your sexual marketplace value will increase as your muscles bulge and your increased testosterone will be noticed by more women, even female family members could tell you they sense a change in you.
Its a noble and honourable hobby/purpose/ obsession to get into when you lift heavy things regularly.

 

[Spaz]

When r we gonna hear of the plans u r gonna make?

All you did is talk to a psychologist and to us all here, and while it may help you calm down or see things clearly, it's merely a patch, you ought to set a time line action plan.

You r the head of ur family unit.

Both ur wife and daughter needs leadership.

Make a plan.

And then tell us abt it.

 

[Ricky]

how does the contribution balance in the relationship look? in addition to sex and affection, what else does she provide for the team?

My wife has always been a great mom and homemaker. She has worked on and off. She was most recently working up until March but we both decided due to the pandemic and difficulties with school that she needed to stop. She is now looking for a job again however.. I think cabin fever got to her and is a contributing factor to the issues we have been having.

 

[Ricky]

I think I know what you mean. You mean those boot camp classes like kickboxing or some other fitness class.

There's a more important part to 'gym time' and for a man that means lifting heavy things. Whether you use machines or free weights like a barbell and plates, got to be lifting heavy weights.

If you search this sosuave forum you'll find lift names that you can put into the search on youtube and get videos that can teach proper form.
'squat' and 'deadlift' are the two most important types of lifts.

Try to find a way to start lifting heavy things to rip open your muscles.

As a man there's a really helpful natural reaction and its when testosterone floods your system when there's been a lifting heavy stress on it.
So lifting heavy will bring more testosterone to change your body and repair the torn muscles into biggersized muscles but what some of us know the secret is that testosterone also changes the way you think.
So you'll often see advice about women on here that also includes lifting heavy things.
Your sexual marketplace value will increase as your muscles bulge and your increased testosterone will be noticed by more women, even female family members could tell you they sense a change in you.
Its a noble and honourable hobby/purpose/ obsession to get into when you lift heavy things regularly.

Yeah we basically do crossfit. I have been lifting for years. I'm a bit of a hardgainer, but agree I need to keep it up. I've always been great at talking to women but that's in the context of seducing them, picking them up and making them feel great. I fail pretty hard at arguments and conflict resolution (not only with women but with some of my guy friends). I pissed off one of my guy friends earlier this year to point he wouldn't talk to me for a few weeks. I try to debate too much I suppose. Its likely my wife was similarly bothered by my argument style.

 

[Ricky]

When r we gonna hear of the plans u r gonna make?

All you did is talk to a psychologist and to us all here, and while it may help you calm down or see things clearly, it's merely a patch, you ought to set a time line action plan.

You r the head of ur family unit.

Both ur wife and daughter needs leadership.

Make a plan.

And then tell us abt it.

This is the tough part with any leadership attempt currently. She already calls me a dictator who treats her like a prisoner.

I suppose in terms of plans the consensus from all my advisors (mostly friends and the therapist/psychologist) is to let things cool down first. That's where giving space and only having minimal interaction with her works. We've been almost constantly fighting for a month. Things might cool down for a few days then we have the talk again and it goes poorly.

So heres how the plan may look

1) Cool down until the peace is securely at hand
2) Continue seeing the therapist to get my mind straight
3) Workout, get plenty of sleep and eat healthy and read like I always like to do
4) Continue the language class to learn her language
5) Keep my work hard/play hard fun approach to life. .act as if things are back to normal (minus pushing for intimacy and closeness as she has been pulling away from that)
6) Have as much fun playing with my daughter as I can until my wifes interest and attraction builds up in me again.

 

[metalwater]

This is the tough part with any leadership attempt currently. She already calls me a dictator who treats her like a prisoner.

I suppose in terms of plans the consensus from all my advisors (mostly friends and the therapist/psychologist) is to let things cool down first. That's where giving space and only having minimal interaction with her works. We've been almost constantly fighting for a month. Things might cool down for a few days then we have the talk again and it goes poorly.

So heres how the plan may look

1) Cool down until the peace is securely at hand
2) Continue seeing the therapist to get my mind straight
3) Workout, get plenty of sleep and eat healthy and read like I always like to do
4) Continue the language class to learn her language
5) Keep my work hard/play hard fun approach to life. .act as if things are back to normal (minus pushing for intimacy and closeness as she has been pulling away from that)
6) Have as much fun playing with my daughter as I can until my wifes interest and attraction builds up in me again.

what is she going to do from her side to help fix things?

 

[Ricky]

what is she going to do from her side to help fix things?

She wont agree to seek counseling even though she needs it. She has been a little more peaceful and civil towards me. I would like to see her take more steps but she is trying to pin all the blame on me currently.