Marriage advice

[Ricky]

I used to post here back in the days I was a pickup artist. Now I've been with the same woman for 14 years and married for 11.

We hit our first big patch of trouble here recently.. not sure how deep a dive i wont to go into details of what caused it. In any event i'm at the need to give her alot of space part of the conflict resolution. We were having a really elevated level of sex this year since covid hit and there was nothing else to do lol. But now I'm cut off.. and i guess i'm wondering the best tips to get the passion off after say a month of pretty serious arguments and fighting.

Most people are really focusing on the minimal convo/contact for a while until everything cools down. One other married friend said he and his wife have had arguments that went on for 2 weeks and led to them only communicating minimally and mainly texting while in the same house.

We have a daughter together and she is 7 and awesome, so i kind of just want to focus on being the best dad for her now and avoid divorce. Sorry to be so vague on what caused all of this, but i will admit i have developed some anger issues related to it and i'm going to see a psychologist over it tomorrow for the first time.

Best tips for increasing my value and attraction for her...

 

[mrgoodstuff]

I used to post here back in the days I was a pickup artist. Now I've been with the same woman for 14 years and married for 11.

We hit our first big patch of trouble here recently.. not sure how deep a dive i wont to go into details of what caused it. In any event i'm at the need to give her alot of space part of the conflict resolution. We were having a really elevated level of sex this year since covid hit and there was nothing else to do lol. But now I'm cut off.. and i guess i'm wondering the best tips to get the passion off after say a month of pretty serious arguments and fighting.

Most people are really focusing on the minimal convo/contact for a while until everything cools down. One other married friend said he and his wife have had arguments that went on for 2 weeks and led to them only communicating minimally and mainly texting while in the same house.

Trying to "talk" thru those arguments while you and her "pokers" are still burning hot is not going to work. You will spark each other into the same emotions that are keeping the argument heated. I suggest spending more time with your daughter, outside the house, and away from the wife.

Some of those arguments you or her might need to "concede" on. In your arguments make sure your not "conceding" on anything that's good principles. Because that's how a man backs himself up into a weak position.

We have a daughter together and she is 7 and awesome, so i kind of just want to focus on being the best dad for her now and avoid divorce. Sorry to be so vague on what caused all of this, but i will admit i have developed some anger issues related to it and i'm going to see a psychologist over it tomorrow for the first time.

Psychologist, therepist, whatever... What helped me in anger issues or "cheated on" situations was an actual "relationship counselor". I made sure mines was "sex friendly" and believed in "loving relationships". They are great to talk to.

Best tips for increasing my value and attraction for her...

Stay away from her. Don't concede on any of your points that are sound principles. Stay physically attractive for yourself. That means body build for your stature is very good. Your dress of attire and your grooming is on point. If you have extra money around there, buy a new outfit or two every couple of months and a new pair of shoes.

Improve your communication. Take classes if you have to. Verbal, non verbal and physical communication. Be aware of your words and their desired effect.

Do things that make you happy outside of her. Stay active in social groups that you are a part of. It keeps you attractive and keeps you from being needy for her attention.

 

[Ricky]

Thanks so much for the comments. I'll keep this in mind for sure. I think one thing that has made it a challenge is that i am working from home half the time now and onsite the other half. So we are around each other alot more..

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Thanks so much for the comments. I'll keep this in mind for sure. I think one thing that has made it a challenge is that i am working from home half the time now and onsite the other half. So we are around each other alot more..

Your good man. Perhaps theres a library or another location you can work from to keep some distance. Distance isn't always a bad thing at all, especially if when you come together, theres attraction and hot sex.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

Some solid advice from mrgoodstuff there.

I'd look at taking your daughter on some weekend trips, just the two of you. Then take some trips yourself. Be happy..... especially around her. Don't mope or act upset around your wife. Give her space, but occasionally try to start casual conversation (like once a week or so - but it's up to you as to how frequent to do it). If she is cold, ignore that for a few sentences but if she continues to really ice you out, don't act upset or hurt by it, just move on and focus on other things. Your coming to her is how you lead her, but you can only do it so much - if you've made an attempt to give her love and she refuses it, you've done all you can. She can come to you when and if she wants.

Ensure you are using active listening skills. Seek to understand first, and then be understood. Ask her a lot of questions about what she feels and why, and don't ask leading questions that are designed to try to prove your own point or position. Genuinely seek to understand even if you KNOW you disagree with her about it. Repeat what she says back to her sometimes as a question. Let her go on and on and on until she's done, without bringing up your own opinion. Most times women just want to feel truly heard and understood, whether you agree with them or not.

But as mrgoodstuff said, during conflict resolution, do not back down on anything you truly believe in. You CAN agree to disagree on it - by saying you respect and understand her opinion, but don't change your position or opinion if it is something you feel strongly about. On the other hand, you have to decide what is truly important to you and what isn't, and whether you can really do anything about it anyway. One example is my current GF had an absolute melt-down when she found out I was dating a 24yo before her, and that I have a long history of dating women in their early 20's. She is completely against it and feels it is wrong. I told her that I hear her, that I understand she thinks it is wrong, but that I don't think there is anything wrong with it and what I did in the past with other girls has absolutely nothing to do with her, and nothing she says will ever change my mind. When she wouldn't let it go, I told her I didn't want to talk to her about the subject again because I'm not going to change my mind and since I'm dating her now, and not a 24yo, there is no problem to be solved. She really didn't like that and she brought the subject up multiple times in the following months but I shut it down each time. I'm not going to agree with her that I did anything wrong because I know I didn't, and I know full-well why women get upset by guys who date younger girls (insecurity and fear of aging).

I wouldn't bring up my own examples except you didn't provide any context around your disagreement so it's difficult for me to provide more advice.

 

[Ricky]

Thanks I agree about taking trips with my daughter.. There is a bit of a challenge that i face and that is my wife isn't from the US originally. So that leads to a bit of the issues i've been having with her being on the phone constantly in her own language which i know very little of. To remedy that i've decided to take a class in it, but it's not a popular language hence you wont find it on Duolingo.

May as well tease out a bit more of went on... I do have some cause for jealousy in this case but its possible that i overreacted. In any event she hasn't made it easy on me.. I suspect emotional cheating but can't guarantee it. I actually had an argument with the "friend" which also made her mad.

In any event i've given my opinion of what is acceptable (perhaps too many times) and that has led her to call me controlling or a dictator. Its possible the arguments have even pushed her to double down on talks with that friend or friends, but once again the language makes it difficult to know whats totally going on.

The backstory to all of this gets a little juicy and i'll be telling the psychologist about it tomorrow in hopes i can conquer my jealousy issues and also cover some of the things i told my wife that bothered her about my past when i was a little wild.

 

[Ricky]

The advice to not mope or act upset is particularly important for me as i've done both recently.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

The advice to not mope or act upset is particularly important for me as i've done both recently.

You have to remain in control of yourself. While the things with your wife aren't that good, focus on all the parts of your identity outside of her. Make that your focus. It'll tighten you up. I don't know if you have any hobbies or activities which you used to enjoy that you've been lax on lately, pick some of those back up.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

Thanks I agree about taking trips with my daughter.. There is a bit of a challenge that i face and that is my wife isn't from the US originally. So that leads to a bit of the issues i've been having with her being on the phone constantly in her own language which i know very little of. To remedy that i've decided to take a class in it, but it's not a popular language hence you wont find it on Duolingo.

May as well tease out a bit more of went on... I do have some cause for jealousy in this case but its possible that i overreacted. In any event she hasn't made it easy on me.. I suspect emotional cheating but can't guarantee it. I actually had an argument with the "friend" which also made her mad.

In any event i've given my opinion of what is acceptable (perhaps too many times) and that has led her to call me controlling or a dictator. Its possible the arguments have even pushed her to double down on talks with that friend or friends, but once again the language makes it difficult to know whats totally going on.

The backstory to all of this gets a little juicy and i'll be telling the psychologist about it tomorrow in hopes i can conquer my jealousy issues and also cover some of the things i told my wife that bothered her about my past when i was a little wild.

I'm seeing some big red flags in here...... it would really help to know a little more. Maybe not all the details.... but it's hard to piece together what's going on and that is important to know to offer the best advice.

When it comes to jealousy, YOU have to decide as a man what is important to you. You can't let her tell you what is and isn't acceptable. And it sounds like she is doing exactly that by calling you a dictator.

You won't find any consensus here or anywhere else, from a majority of people who say what's ok and what isn't, on matters of jealousy. Some men take the approach, "Hey, go sleep over at your friend John's house. I don't care. If you end up hooking up, just let me know." or "If you think you can do better than me, by all means go for it." While still others will forbid their girl from hanging out with another guy 1:1, while others will forbid her to hang out with groups of friends that include single men, while still others will keep her on lock-down and only let her hang out with women or even no one at all.

What's important is what is acceptable to you. We are all different in this regard. And once you make up your mind on this you cannot be wishy washy about it and you cannot accept criticism from her on it, nor should you fight or argue. You explain what's acceptable, you don't justify it but you can explain in more detail for her if she wants it, but you don't debate it. There is no negotiation. Your opinion about what you are and are not willing to accept must be so well thought-out that you should be willing to end the relationship over it. If you aren't, then you need to re-think how important it is to you. But assuming you've done that, and lets say you choose to draw the line at her talking with a male friend on the phone for a long time or seeing him in person 1:1, then that is ok. That's your line. And you need to be willing to divorce her if she crosses it. Whining about it and arguing about it will not fix it. Nothing is worse to a woman than a man without conviction and strong sense of what his principles and morals are. That's when the fighting and arguing start because women love the power-play. If you have strong principles, there is no power play. There is no fighting. There is no negotiation.

If her talking on the phone with this guy isn't a line, and you went-off on her about it in a jealous fit, then yeah that's not good on your part at all (assuming of course that's what happened). You MUST control your emotions as a man. Again, complaining and whining is the biggest turn-off for women.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Ricky, just from the way you talk, you manage alot of your marriage in the RIGHT way.

We have the collective wisdom in this website to put together a prototypical "Married STUD" who remains a STUD.

 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

That anger will be your downfall, get it under control or don't.

 

[backseatjuan]

I'm guessing financial situation caused this trouble.

Anyway, your best bet here is to improve your SMV.

A) Hit the gym do more, get a tattoo, change clothing style, cologne, shoes, dress up, change hair style, improve your financial situation.
B) Hang out with your boys.


Realize, if she is controlling sex, the relationship is over. She fcked it up. You don't need a psychologist for yourself, she needs one. Minimize the damage. Whatever income you have, hide it, so that you have money for yourself. Sell as much stuff as you can, stuff you don't need. The boat, her car, etc.

 

[metalwater]

how old is she? is she of the age to be having hormone imbalance issues? 38..to 50ish...

 

[ThisIsSparta]

Best tips for increasing my value and attraction for her...

1.) Make yourself attractive for other women.
2.) Get in regular contact (social media, neighborhood, supermarket etc.) with other women. (If your wife can have "friends" so can and should you!)
3.) Show her (indirect) you have options if she ever decided to divorce.
4.) Never show fear of her walking away
5.) Prepare (financially, mentally, legal advise) for the day she walks away, so you can be confident that your life goes on without greater trouble (except for your relation with the kid, thats allways tough). She will see your confidence and confidence makes you attractive.

Asides from that, you are not clearly saying what her problem is or where your anger exactly comes from, its difficult to give a lot of advise.
That said, there is nothing wrong with righteous anger here and then as long as you dont get violent. Dont let her or any feeling of imagined guilt undermine your selfesteem and push you into a therapy that wouldnt be neccessarry.

 

[Spaz]

None of the above suggestions will work.

100% guaranteed.

It's because u hv placed her as the PRIZE to be won over.

100% attraction will be lost, it has already begun and the slide will only continue unless u hv a different mindset.

 

[Ricky]

how old is she? is she of the age to be having hormone imbalance issues? 38..to 50ish...

Yep she is 42 and that thought crossed my mind. I don't think she has been having symptoms of menopause, but I wondered

 

[Ricky]

I agree she definitely needs to see a therapist or psychologist too but she is unwilling currently

I'm guessing financial situation caused this trouble.

Anyway, your best bet here is to improve your SMV.

A) Hit the gym do more, get a tattoo, change clothing style, cologne, shoes, dress up, change hair style, improve your financial situation.
B) Hang out with your boys.


Realize, if she is controlling sex, the relationship is over. She fcked it up. You don't need a psychologist for yourself, she needs one. Minimize the damage. Whatever income you have, hide it, so that you have money for yourself. Sell as much stuff as you can, stuff you don't need. The boat, her car, etc.

 

[Ricky]

None of the above suggestions will work.

100% guaranteed.

It's because u hv placed her as the PRIZE to be won over.

100% attraction will be lost, it has already begun and the slide will only continue unless u hv a different mindset.

This is true, I've been treating her like a prize to win back again. Definitely not a winning mindset

 

[Ricky]

So tomorrow I have a class in her language. It isn't a common one so it isn't on Duolingo. I've had experiences in the past where I had to travel for a job and was in a foreign country. During meetings I didn't know the language and it was frustrating. Learning even a little made the situation a lot less frustrating.

 

[Lynx nkaf]

So tomorrow I have a class in her language. It isn't a common one so it isn't on Duolingo. I've had experiences in the past where I had to travel for a job and was in a foreign country. During meetings I didn't know the language and it was frustrating. Learning even a little made the situation a lot less frustrating.

This is important.
I've done this before and took a language class to learn what they and their family are saying.

Sometimes I think I didn't want to know, after all.

At the breakup I got thanked for my efforts, lol.