Value in Intending to Approach, but Not Actually Approaching?

[momentomori]

For most of my life when I would see a hottie I would simply ignore her, and act as if I had no desire to interact with her. I would repress any notion of approaching and would actively avoid coming into close contact with her. Lately I've simply been entertaining the notion of approaching, and feeling the feelings of AA mixed with powerful feelings of sexual desire when coming into close proximity of a hottie. I feel that these intense feelings could be used to my advantage if I were to approach, but I simply feel overwhelmed by them and I feel cement blocks in my shoes.

In the initial stages of approach, do you guys think there's value to feeling the feelings of AA, while intending to approach a target, but not actually acting on that intention? While doing some of the preliminary actions of approaching, such as making eye contact, intending to approach, etc.? When dealing with decades of an ingrained behavior surely it takes a step-by-step process to overcome it, am I correct? Of course I could dive in headfirst and just take action, but I feel that the experience would be somewhat overwhelming and traumatizing, but with persistence I could simply power through it.

I feel that by doing this I'm actually making progress by acknowledging the feelings and desires that I've repressed for so long, but obviously at some point I want to follow-through and actually make an approach. Do you guys have thoughts on this?

 

[zekko]

For most of my life when I would see a hottie I would simply ignore her, and act as if I had no desire to interact with her.

Oddly, after too many years of reading this kind of seduction material, I feel like I am more inclined to not approach a woman. Because I don't want to feed her with validation. This is like a red pill overdose, and I don't think it's a healthy mindset. I remember a thread not long ago and a lot of guys were saying you shouldn't even look at a woman, let alone talk to her. It's the MGTOW influence, I think. Funny how that contradicts the old idea of the alpha who holds eye contact with everyone.

But to answer your question, there's nothing wrong with using a step by step approach. The bootcamp they used to talk about a lot here used this kind of concept, where you slowly increase your interactions. First make eye contact, then say hi to strangers, then make some sort of small talk, then try for rejections. It's desensitizing yourself. On the other hand, if you want to jump in with both feet, that's fine too. Whatever works best for you.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

You can inch up to it or you can dive-in. I suggest you dive-in, because I unless you are really weird or uncalibrated, you will be absolutely shocked by how your interactions go, even in the early stages (so long as your expectations are only to have a good, polite interaction with a girl... and a bit flirty, but not expecting to close the deal). All this fear of you trying to talk to a woman and her reacting very negatively is generally unfounded, and you will be pleasantly surprised. But once you do that, it's just the beginning. You will have much more to learn before you go from there to the bedroom but you have to start somewhere. We are here to answer your questions along the way.

 

[momentomori]

Oddly, after too many years of reading this kind of seduction material, I feel like I am more inclined to not approach a woman. Because I don't want to feed her with validation. This is like a red pill overdose, and I don't think it's a healthy mindset. I remember a thread not long ago and a lot of guys were saying you shouldn't even look at a woman, let alone talk to her. It's the MGTOW influence, I think. Funny how that contradicts the old idea of the alpha who holds eye contact with everyone.

Yes, absolutely. I think it goes all the way back to even Mystery Method to some degree. PUA's would often say to hide your intent, as showing intent is needy, beta, low-value and/or supplicative behavior. This type of advice wasn't useful for people like me, who were the sexually repressed type, which I believe is very common amongst those who struggle with women. MGTOW has obviously taken this to a different level.

But to answer your question, there's nothing wrong with using a step by step approach. The bootcamp they used to talk about a lot here used this kind of concept, where you slowly increase your interactions. First make eye contact, then say hi to strangers, then make some sort of small talk, then try for rejections. It's desensitizing yourself. On the other hand, if you want to jump in with both feet, that's fine too. Whatever works best for you.

Cool, thanks that's very helpful. I now don't feel like I have to game the **** out of the first girl that I approach. Perhaps a simple "hi" or a compliment (which is also considered needy and beta behavior amongst PUA/MGTOW weirdos) would be a great next step for me.

 

[zekko]

Yes, absolutely. I think it goes all the way back to even Mystery Method to some degree. PUA's would often say to hide your intent, as showing intent is needy, beta, low-value and/or supplicative behavior. This type of advice wasn't useful for people like me, who were the sexually repressed type, which I believe is very common amongst those who struggle with women.

Ha, I used to read a lot of stuff about approaching a girl, putting your back to her and talking to her over your shoulder. I get what they were going for, but it's pretty asinine when you think about it.

I also felt that a lot of advice didn't apply to me. Most advice seems to assume that you are an overeager, pandering simp, and that didn't really address my issues. I've always hated the one size fits all approach, I really think advice should be tailored to the individual, because everyone has different strengths and weaknesses.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

In what world does failing to act lead to a positive result?

 

[user252009]

In what world does failing to act lead to a positive result?

In the "he came on a little strong" world

 

[RangerMIke]

See a woman you like... approach her. I don't know how to make anything happen by doing nothing. If she thinks you came on too strong.. well... you didn't have a chance with her anyway... or she's no fun... either way you get to screen her out before you spend any money on her.

I don't know how to tell a guy how to get any one particular woman... because it can't be done. Unless she wants you, nothing you do will matter.

Look at it this way.....

Woman likes you; you approach. Something could happen (although you could fvck it up).
Woman doesn't like you; you approach. NOTHING happens.
Woman likes you; you don't approach. NOTHING happen.
Woman doesn't like you; you don't approach. NOTHING happens.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

In the "he came on a little strong" world

Sounds like excuses to me.

 

[Romanemp22]

Best possible way if you truly want to approach a hot girl is to go straight forward when you see her without thinking.

 

[Mike32ct]

There can be some value in "missing" some of the approaches. You need to first be able to properly observe the environment (without making it too obvious) and notice where the viable/available targets are. I would NEVER advocate blindly following the 3-sec rule. That will get you into a confrontation with her bf lol. Had you waited one minute longer and observed, you would have seen him come out of the restroom and then put his arm around her.

BUT, be careful with this "passive" method. If you observe too long and too much, there is also a risk that you could get into an infinite loop of procrastination. "I'm just going to avoid approaching today/this weekend/this month. But by third quarter 2027, I'm gonna be an approach machine lol."

TLDR: Learn to observe your environment first. But don't overdo it.

 

[Mike32ct]

I remember a thread not long ago and a lot of guys were saying you shouldn't even look at a woman, let alone talk to her. It's the MGTOW influence, I think. Funny how that contradicts the old idea of the alpha who holds eye contact with everyone.

Yeah I brought that up. Just a theory. I don't see the point in purposely making eye contact with women you don't plan to approach or talk to.

If you're Chadlite+ and notice in your peripheral vision that she's staring at you, fine, look at her and then approach.

If she's someone you know you want to approach or a chick you already know that you'd like to talk to, fine, look over at her and then approach.

If you just want to look because of "eye candy," be discreet about it lol.

But "eye contact experiments" (in old school DJ stuff) are puzzling to me. They included things like making eye contact with men in a city while walking and holding the eye contact until HE looks away. Umm not recommended lol.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Oddly, after too many years of reading this kind of seduction material, I feel like I am more inclined to not approach a woman. Because I don't want to feed her with validation. This is like a red pill overdose, and I don't think it's a healthy mindset. I remember a thread not long ago and a lot of guys were saying you shouldn't even look at a woman, let alone talk to her. It's the MGTOW influence, I think. Funny how that contradicts the old idea of the alpha who holds eye contact with everyone.

But to answer your question, there's nothing wrong with using a step by step approach. The bootcamp they used to talk about a lot here used this kind of concept, where you slowly increase your interactions. First make eye contact, then say hi to strangers, then make some sort of small talk, then try for rejections. It's desensitizing yourself. On the other hand, if you want to jump in with both feet, that's fine too. Whatever works best for you.

It's because people with no social aptitude are trying to walk up to women and start conversations and they just come off as weirdos. Because, well, they ARE weirdos at this stage of their development. But with practice and time and effort they won't be. The issue is nobody wants to put in the work and face the numerous failures to get there, they simply want to snap their fingers and make it work. Life doesn't work like that in anything. Show me anyone who is wildly successful and I am willing to bet they have failed more than they have succeeded by a wide margin. It's because they didn't let those failures bother them and used them as a learning tool that they are successful now.

I start conversations with random people all the time when I am out and about regarding lots of different things. It isn't weird at all. It is completely normal. Anyone who says otherwise is socially inept or trying to make excuses for their lack of social skills.

I remember once I was on a first date with a woman walking in a park and I said hi to a family walking by and his kid jumped in front of us to touch a plant and I joked that he better hope it isn't poison ivy and the guy laughed and then we got into a conversation about hiking and how to spot poison ivy for like 10 minutes and I got her involved etc...she was so impressed with my ability to do that that she couldn't stop talking about it the rest of the date...and while lying in bed after I banged her brains out later that night...

Conversational and social skills can take you far gentlemen, even when you aren't trying to pick up women per se.

 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

Ignoring means you are playing the long game and she is not playing that game, even though she will play with you.

 

[momentomori]

TLDR: Learn to observe your environment first. But don't overdo it.

That's pretty much what I'm doing right now. Surveying environment and getting a feel for when a good time to approach would be and thinking of things to say.

I'm pretty sure at some point I'm going to get the hang of this. I'm pretty intent on getting this part of my life sorted out. I've seen plenty of day game/game videos (i.e., James Tusk, Tom Torrero, etc.) so I know that this can be done. At some point I will definitely start taking the leap and approaching, hopefully that wont be in the too distant future.

I've also recently discovered this section: http://www.djbible.classicalgasemissions.com/ , so there's plenty of material for me to review. I'm new to this site and also recently discovered the abundance of topics on this forum that have already been discussed, much of which is, if not will be in the future, relevant to me. I'm currently looking for tips on how to approach in grocery stores, and there are plenty of existing topics on that. I'm also currently reading Book of Pook, and its really clicking with me.

I know there will be some peaks and valleys, but I'm definitely going to make this happen.

 

[DEEZEDBRAH]

For most of my life when I would see a hottie I would simply ignore her, and act as if I had no desire to interact with her. I would repress any notion of approaching and would actively avoid coming into close contact with her. Lately I've simply been entertaining the notion of approaching, and feeling the feelings of AA mixed with powerful feelings of sexual desire when coming into close proximity of a hottie. I feel that these intense feelings could be used to my advantage if I were to approach, but I simply feel overwhelmed by them and I feel cement blocks in my shoes.

In the initial stages of approach, do you guys think there's value to feeling the feelings of AA, while intending to approach a target, but not actually acting on that intention? While doing some of the preliminary actions of approaching, such as making eye contact, intending to approach, etc.? When dealing with decades of an ingrained behavior surely it takes a step-by-step process to overcome it, am I correct? Of course I could dive in headfirst and just take action, but I feel that the experience would be somewhat overwhelming and traumatizing, but with persistence I could simply power through it.

I feel that by doing this I'm actually making progress by acknowledging the feelings and desires that I've repressed for so long, but obviously at some point I want to follow-through and actually make an approach. Do you guys have thoughts on this?

Get it handled. How? Youtube Peterson and Pickup. He breaks down the pickup approach and the aftermath of enough stimuli to the fears of AA. On the decade of pickup, the worst set is never what you could fabricate. I never got any fights or #metoo. Its all mental masturbation. Enough stimuli to approach kills AA. Absence from say game, night club, say in global pandemic, I will shake off the rust. Its like muscle memory in the gym. It comes back. The difference is the amount of sets i have did in a lifetime. I have done more approaching on a night out then men do their entire life. At a grown ass man, its now more calibrated, polished, and utilised. More accurately, time is of the essence so, the ROI of pickup day and night 7day a week is absurd. Time is better spent elsewhere.

You gotta nut up and approach. Check mystery method. Its dated today but the general framework is still solid today. 3sec rule. When you question should I or shouldn't I, you always should. Stand out. Take a stand. DHV. acquire the old rsd archive. Look at Tyler's six steps. Approach all. Minimise time between sets. Look for something funny. Check out new school James Tusk and Austen Summers, Coach Kyle. At the end of the day, you gotta go out and approach. See what works for you. Rsd Julien pre media scandal is excellent. In terms of polarity, push pull, there's nothing like it now. Julien suggested 3sts a day which is manageable even as a high value man in chem engineering, software, law, medicine, etc. No excuses.

Finally, lift. Looks max. Diet. Eat leafy greens. You will meet a ton of ****S. put your best foot forward. Meditate. Learn to disconnect yourself from ***** shield or endless BS in the game. Get yourself a better career, a skill set to bring to the market, entrepreneurship, and a means to demand a behemoth amount of money. You can travel. You can live a better lifestyle. You can buy boot camps to handle your **** sooner than spinning your wheels for ages.

 

[DEEZEDBRAH]

That's pretty much what I'm doing right now. Surveying environment and getting a feel for when a good time to approach would be and thinking of things to say.

I'm pretty sure at some point I'm going to get the hang of this. I'm pretty intent on getting this part of my life sorted out. I've seen plenty of day game/game videos (i.e., James Tusk, Tom Torrero, etc.) so I know that this can be done. At some point I will definitely start taking the leap and approaching, hopefully that wont be in the too distant future.

I've also recently discovered this section: http://www.djbible.classicalgasemissions.com/ , so there's plenty of material for me to review. I'm new to this site and also recently discovered the abundance of topics on this forum that have already been discussed, much of which is, if not will be in the future, relevant to me. I'm currently looking for tips on how to approach in grocery stores, and there are plenty of existing topics on that. I'm also currently reading Book of Pook, and its really clicking with me.

I know there will be some peaks and valleys, but I'm definitely going to make this happen.

Reading and program watching won't help. You gotta go get girls and pull.

 

[momentomori]

Get it handled. How? Youtube Peterson and Pickup. He breaks down the pickup approach and the aftermath of enough stimuli to the fears of AA. On the decade of pickup, the worst set is never what you could fabricate. I never got any fights or #metoo. Its all mental masturbation. Enough stimuli to approach kills AA. Absence from say game, night club, say in global pandemic, I will shake off the rust. Its like muscle memory in the gym. It comes back. The difference is the amount of sets i have did in a lifetime. I have done more approaching on a night out then men do their entire life. At a grown ass man, its now more calibrated, polished, and utilised. More accurately, time is of the essence so, the ROI of pickup day and night 7day a week is absurd. Time is better spent elsewhere.

You gotta nut up and approach. Check mystery method. Its dated today but the general framework is still solid today. 3sec rule. When you question should I or shouldn't I, you always should. Stand out. Take a stand. DHV. acquire the old rsd archive. Look at Tyler's six steps. Approach all. Minimise time between sets. Look for something funny. Check out new school James Tusk and Austen Summers, Coach Kyle. At the end of the day, you gotta go out and approach. See what works for you. Rsd Julien pre media scandal is excellent. In terms of polarity, push pull, there's nothing like it now. Julien suggested 3sts a day which is manageable even as a high value man in chem engineering, software, law, medicine, etc. No excuses.

Finally, lift. Looks max. Diet. Eat leafy greens. You will meet a ton of ****S. put your best foot forward. Meditate. Learn to disconnect yourself from ***** shield or endless BS in the game. Get yourself a better career, a skill set to bring to the market, entrepreneurship, and a means to demand a behemoth amount of money. You can travel. You can live a better lifestyle. You can buy boot camps to handle your **** sooner than spinning your wheels for ages.

Agreed. Yes I do most of the auxiliary things to make myself more attractive. Lift, eat healthy, skincare, etc. Working on some certifications to enhance my professional life, although I do get a little lazy from time to time, hah.

However, I still feel a step-by-step approach is the move here. I have already looked into Mystery Method and some of the other classic PUA stuff, but it just hasn't provided results. A bootcamp could help, but its a lot of money, and I could very easily revert back to my old ways once I'm finish it. I've also wasted money with online courses that did **** all for me, although have improved my online dating results. I think this is a long but gradual process to create change. I'm undoing decades of conditioning.

Approachanxiety.com

Maybe purchase his e book

Just took a look at the site. I like it. Most of what he is saying is in line with what I've been saying here. He proposes a step-by-step approach to getting results. Basically he is using a cognitive behavior therapy methodology, which is scientifically proven to help overcome anxieties. I probably will be reading his book soon.

 

[fastlife]

You're getting about the same amount of value as you would by going to the gym and looking at the weights and thinking about lifting weights. Lol. Even if you went to the gym and could only lift the bar, you'd get infinitely more value out of that than you would by watching other people lift heavy weights.

The only way to get this part of your life handled is to actually approach. Yeah, you'll take your knocks. Women will straight up ignore you at first. You'll get stuck in lame, friend-to-friend convos to nowhere. Some women will tool you. Just part of the process. But each of those experiences will help prove to your brain that nothing bad happens, show you where you need to improve, and strip away your ego so you have a chance to build frame instead of trying to prop up a façade.

The other problem with observing instead of approaching, is right now your observational skills aren't accurate. In fact, you never 100% know a girl's situation until you go up and talk to her. Some girls will be cold and disinterested upfront but are actually DTF. Some girls give you super obvious approach invites, just to see how her boyfriend handles it. Some girls are out with a guy who turns out to be her gay bestie. You'll never know unless you go talk to her. And nothing bad will happen. When I was starting out, I would literally approach everything. Couples on dates, tables at restaurants, everything. Ya, I got into some awkward situations (and have some hilarious stories), but the worst that ever happened to me is one girl's c0ckblock friend got in my face and told me to fvck off. That's it. No one's ever tried to fight me, I've never been kicked out of a bar, no one in my social circle ever thought less of me. Even when I was learning this stuff in a smallish town, I never got a bad rep. There's literally nothing to lose.

As far as practical advice for getting started, here's what I would focus on at first:

The best way to get over it is to desensitize yourself through repetition and to work on constantly pushing your comfort zone. So, today you said, “Hey.” Thats a smart. Tomorrow say, “Hey. Excuse me. One sec. You looked interesting and I wanted you to meet me.” Baby steps and building on foundations.

You’ll probably get blown out. Two ways to fix this: Eye contact—relaxed and direct. Tonality: loud enough, breaking rapport. Keep practicing this until you can get people to stop and talk (this could take weeks/months depending on where you’re starting—but if you’re normally decentish socially it probably won’t be too bad.

Once you get them to stop, try to see how lo you can keep the interaction going. Easiest way to do this is;

• ****y/Funny: “Ya, I saw youstaring at me and just had to see what’s up” (even if they weren’t).
  Questions: “Are you from around here? “How tall are you?” Etc.
• Cold Reads: “You’re totally from [sh1tty part of town].” Or “You must be an art student.”
• Teases/Disqualifiers: Until your wit sharpens and this comes naturally, an easy way to do this is just ask a question and no matter what they say, look them in their eyes and say, “Liar” with a cheeky smile. Then when they try to respond, change the topic.

OK, that should keep you busy for a while. And, ya, you’re probably gonna seem hella weird at first until you learn to hold frame. It’s just practice! These people will have NO bearing on your future and you have exactly ONE life—are you gonna let a few randos stop you from making an investment in your future self? Let me know when you’ve gotten all this stuff down—not on here much but tag me in something and I’ll see it eventually.

BTW—you’re about to have a sh1t kid if people come here and tell you not to bother. Something about looks, something about girls in 2020, something about just be natural, bla bla bla. Don’t listen to them. So many guys here have given up. Don’t let that be you.And, ya, cold approaching breaks a few social rules, but rules are for betas

EDIT: just read your stuff about mom. Relatable lol. Check out this thread: https://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/create-your-own-confidence-how-to-be-you.233590/ Should be helpful.

Just accept the fact that you'll svck and get rejected a lot and just start by taking baby steps and celebrating the small victories. Right now, if you just go up and say hey to a girl, that's a W and, even if she ignores you, it'll be taking you one step closer to your goal.

 

[BadBoy89]

I feel that these intense feelings could be used to my advantage if I were to approach, but I simply feel overwhelmed by them and I feel cement blocks in my shoes.

That’s called brainwashing by society. It’s good for society that men are timid and scared and afraid of women. Keeps the men beta, keeps them working, keeps the rich people in charge.

Sell the American dream as freedom, democracy, and capitalism, but deregulate the sexual market place, brainwash men to believe women are unattainable goddesses that can do no wrong, give women as much power as possible under state laws, and make marriage and children the utmost important thing in man’s life, as you get men who are afraid to approach women.

Imagine if movies showed hot women doing everything they could to be with the normal average guy? Imagine if movies showed hot women crying because the average normal guy wont go out with her? Imagine if women who weren't virgins when they married got shunned by society?

Everything is a brainwash to keep the rich people happy and in charge. Educate your mind and body men, only way to beat them at their own game.