Stay the same with your girlfriend as you were when you first met?

[Paradiddle]

Firstly, sorry for the long topic. I could not figure out the concise way to write it down. The content is gonna be a little long too. Please bear with me.

Had a bad breakup yeaaaarrrrrs ago and this website helped me a lot. I saw that I had been making so many mistakes when it came to relationships, dating, sex and other stuff that are usually talked about in this forum. So, I started developing my personality, finished two Bachelor's degrees, got a good job, worked on my looks and physique, and most importantly worked hard to be a man. Then I started getting calls from girls every now and then, they started coming to my gigs (I used to play in a local band), got laid very often and so on.

At one point, I was tired of all this **** and wanted to have a stable partner because I was already 30. So, I was in a relationship and as much as she loved me, she respected me even more. I was happy to get such respect which I did not get in my past relationship. I am still continuing with her but at times, I forget that have the authority over her and not the other way around. I become a little more submissive. For example, sometimes when I am busy with my work and don't call her, then when I see my phone, I don't see her call either and I am the one to make the first call. Once, I was depressed because there were so many things going on in my life and I told her I was. She said it's okay to share because men don't often share such stuff and she really loved me for sharing that. However, I feel like I gave her some liberty to think that I am not the same person as I was when we first met. Am I doing it wrong? Do things change after being in a relationship? How do I continue? Stop sharing stuff with her? Am I scared suddenly that she will stop respecting me the same way she did before? Oh gosh there are so many things on my head that I can not even write it down in one sitting. Haha.

 

[Black Widow Void]

If you've laid down a good foundation, then on a rare occasion, displaying a little bit (read: a little bit) of vulnerability isn't ordinarily going to kill things. A lot depends on the woman.

It's interesting that she doesn't make phone calls. I'm thinking that it's not a control thing, but instead a deferring to you. Because she also mentioned that she recognizes that men rarely have a vulnerable moment, I'm thinking that she may be a bit more traditional.

From what you've shared, I'd Personally keep certain emotional expressions to a minimum.

 

[Paradiddle]

It's interesting that she doesn't make phone calls.

Oh I meant that she is the one usually calling me and when she does not, I immediately call her to check what's wrong. Although I don't ask 'what's wrong?' and 'why did'nt you call me like you always do?' but I feel like I am being a bit impulsive?

Thank you for your response.

 

[Black Widow Void]

I don't ask 'what's wrong?' and 'why did'nt you call me like you always do?' but I feel like I am being a bit impulsive?

As long as you don't feel anxious (or at least let on) this doesn't seem problematic.

One mistake we (self included) can make is... after being burned and also becoming self-aware, we can become a bit over-analytical about a new situation.

I don't claim to have found the 'sweet spot' yet, but it's somewhere between being on auto pilot and being overly conscious.

 

[djreez88]

I've definitely been on both sides of the aisle. The key is finding that sweet spot between being open but also reserved. My problem as of late is being too harsh on mine to where im ready to leave at the smallest bit of disrespect because of being burnt in the past. The things we have to remember though is that no one is perfect including ourselves.

Don't let your woman disrespect you and be willing to walk but also dont push them away at the smallest little things either. Be vulnerable very little since as men we are the rock and anchor to the ship. Its the same thing if you have a Captain or pilot that fears heights or water. No one that is a passenger of said pilot/captain would want to be on their ship/plane.

We are to guide our women and lead them no different than the pilot/captain that may have certain fears but never showing them to their passengers thus is the same approach we do with our women the same way. In the the words of Bruce Lee:"Empty your mind, be formless, shapeless — like water. Now you put water in a cup, it becomes the cup; You put water into a bottle it becomes the bottle; You put it in a teapot it becomes the teapot. Now water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend."

 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

Being vulnerable to a woman is about being able to manage your emotions as a man.

Imagine yourself on a tight rope, windows are flying by you, on your left side, there are bad memories in the windows that you want to get away from, but on your right, the windows hold pleasant memories that you want to relive, you are drawn to them... The idea is not to get away from the bad memories, or relive the good ones, the idea is to stay balanced amongst their distracting nature.

Being vulnerable is about being indifferent, but communicative.

Once you get good, you can start being vulnerable without manipulating the person into seeing you as a victim, but that is a more delicate affair.

 

[TonyTenner]

Firstly, sorry for the long topic. I could not figure out the concise way to write it down. The content is gonna be a little long too. Please bear with me.

Had a bad breakup yeaaaarrrrrs ago and this website helped me a lot. I saw that I had been making so many mistakes when it came to relationships, dating, sex and other stuff that are usually talked about in this forum. So, I started developing my personality, finished two Bachelor's degrees, got a good job, worked on my looks and physique, and most importantly worked hard to be a man. Then I started getting calls from girls every now and then, they started coming to my gigs (I used to play in a local band), got laid very often and so on.

At one point, I was tired of all this **** and wanted to have a stable partner because I was already 30. So, I was in a relationship and as much as she loved me, she respected me even more. I was happy to get such respect which I did not get in my past relationship. I am still continuing with her but at times, I forget that have the authority over her and not the other way around. I become a little more submissive. For example, sometimes when I am busy with my work and don't call her, then when I see my phone, I don't see her call either and I am the one to make the first call. Once, I was depressed because there were so many things going on in my life and I told her I was. She said it's okay to share because men don't often share such stuff and she really loved me for sharing that. However, I feel like I gave her some liberty to think that I am not the same person as I was when we first met. Am I doing it wrong? Do things change after being in a relationship? How do I continue? Stop sharing stuff with her? Am I scared suddenly that she will stop respecting me the same way she did before? Oh gosh there are so many things on my head that I can not even write it down in one sitting. Haha.

Only call her for logistics, like when and where to meet. That may seem foreign to you if ye've been always calling each other to discuss how the day went etc. But it very quickly becomes second nature. Additionally, you've more time in your day and are not worrying about whether she will call or you should call.

 

[djreez88]

Only call her for logistics, like when and where to meet. That may seem foreign to you if ye've been always calling each other to discuss how the day went etc. But it very quickly becomes second nature. Additionally, you've more time in your day and are not worrying about whether she will call or you should call.

Exactly. Give them something to miss. Don't do it all of a sudden though. Slowly make yourself more busy. This gives them time for their minds to wonder and miss you

 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

Vulnerability is a tool. Providing you are invulnerable.

I knew a guy who told stories and none of which are true. Stories about being a paramedic and holding a dying baby in this arms. He was never a paramedic.
He use to tell a story how he was a marine and in combat in the Balkans for two years. He would actually have the look of remorse and pain on his countenance. He was never a marine. I talked to him for two minutes and knew that. Lol

Plus he was a domestic violence felon very early on. Marines don’t take felons.

But he was a master at expressing the damaged vulnerable man. Lol

Women ate it up. Be invulnerable and express whatever you want, when you want.

A well constructed lie might be one of the most powerful social tools one can have.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

A well constructed lie might be one of the most powerful social tools one can have.

Sales uses it quite often. The lie is practiced over and over.

 

[Paradiddle]

Appreciate your responses, gentlemen. Thank you.

 

[2Rocky]

I think the way to "call first" is to make an appointment with her.
For instance send a text.
"Hey, I'm gonna grab lunch outside on the patio in a half hour for about 15 minutes. You free if I call?

"gonna get out of work a few minutes early, call you when I get on the road."

It shows intent and leadership. It is on your schedule and has a definite time constraint.

The other thing is to give yourself time apart. What did I read somewhere else? Wean yourself off the oxytocin? Don't make her the sole source of your validation. Validate yourself.