Gonna be a long post (bottom is a tl:dr), but after this experience, I hope I can finally get the energy to make a change.
32 years old, always had trouble with my self-esteem and social skills. Age 17 started a 3 year long relationship, I ended it and immediately rolled into a ‘secret’ relationship with my best friend back then who was head over heels with me. Got extremely jealous many times and I never wanted to make the relationship public cause I didn’t wanted to hurt my ex. So she lost all respect and after a year she broke up with me. This broke me. Depressed for several months, maybe even a year.
Age 26 was working at a bar, a milf was working there as well and we had an affair for about six months. Normally wouldn’t do stuff like that. But it was so long since I got laid. Typical BPD, so I got hooked, about two months depressed.
Now to the part why I’m typing this.
Last december started a training at work. There was a girl in there as well, hb 9 and fun to be around. Talked a bit during the training and because at that time I was a bit in a mode of “I just do what I want, don’t care what happens”, I texted her something about a mutual interest one evening. In a span of two weeks, we texted 4 times and talked a bit at work. Always kept the texting very short cause of things I read here.
Then Christmas holidays came and I kept thinking too much about her, the start of where it all went wrong probably. Didn’t text but when work started again, I hardly said anything to her anymore (my way of trying to get someone’s attention). Guess it worked though cause one day after work at the end of January, she texted me about our mutual interest. From then on we started having a lot more texts. And from lockdown on, it became daily and a lot more. One time it turned very lightly sexual and she did text some nice selfies which were sometimes lightly sexual as well.
Unfortunately the reason I was able to talk to her is because I usually had a few drinks in the evening. Whenever I felt the buzz kick in, I didn’t care what I answered or texted. Teases and jokes came naturally. Without alcohol I rarely texted her out of the blue, didn’t know what to respond or overanalysed a text from her and concluded she actually didn’t really like me.
During lockdown I drank a lot more, often starting in the afternoon for the rest of the day. Therefore we also started texting daily, I was able to text her something random and it all went so smooth. Then we had to go to work again, I rarely talked to her cause I couldn’t anymore without my buzz. After work I quickly drank two shots of hard liquor to get that buzz going and started our texting routine. I came up with an excuse why I didn’t talk to her in real life (but the truth was I was too shy, didn’t feel funny or witty and my low self-esteem).
But my drinking got worse and worse until one day beginning of August I had too much and acted annoying (not #metoo stuff but just was begging her to text me a lot cause it took too long in my opinion that she responded that day). She didn’t get mad but said the way I acted wasn’t pleasant. I invented a horrible excuse which was a lie of which I am so ashamed I can’t even type it here. That day I completely lost my little confidence I had and thus my responses to her became short and neutral. She did try to reconnect, asking me why I was so quiet and not talking to her anymore. But I was too ashamed so I texted way less.
I still drank, albeit less, but one day beginning of september I again had a few too many and just asked her out because we were talking about that the day before that event in August, but came up with an excuse “maybe in a few weeks, I have some stuff going on”. Didn’t reply on that anymore cause I get the meaning. That was apparently our last texts cause I didn’t hear from her sonce and a half weeks now. I asked her out before during lockdown, but we ofcourse couldn’t pick a date.
We still see each other at work and she’s friendly and all, but yeah my confidence is shot. Partly because of the amount of drinking I did and partly because I’m heartbroken even though we never had anything.
I know I was just an orbiter, that I texted too much and acted like one of the biggest beta’s. And I know that she’s gone and that there is nothing I can do to get it back.
The hardest part now is picking myself up again, I stopped drinking and going to the gym again (I had a good body before lockdown). But I don’t know what else to do, my social skills have never been amazing. And I feel so miserable, seeing her talking to someone else is killing me.
Tl:dr
Met a girl at work, low self esteem so barely talked to her, but we texted a lot because of my alcoholism. Acted stupid one day and now everything is over. I know that she’s gone and it will never come back but I have to pick myself up again, just don’t know how.
32 years old, always had trouble with my self-esteem and social skills. Age 17 started a 3 year long relationship, I ended it and immediately rolled into a ‘secret’ relationship with my best friend back then who was head over heels with me. Got extremely jealous many times and I never wanted to make the relationship public cause I didn’t wanted to hurt my ex. So she lost all respect and after a year she broke up with me. This broke me. Depressed for several months, maybe even a year.
Age 26 was working at a bar, a milf was working there as well and we had an affair for about six months. Normally wouldn’t do stuff like that. But it was so long since I got laid. Typical BPD, so I got hooked, about two months depressed.
Now to the part why I’m typing this.
Last december started a training at work. There was a girl in there as well, hb 9 and fun to be around. Talked a bit during the training and because at that time I was a bit in a mode of “I just do what I want, don’t care what happens”, I texted her something about a mutual interest one evening. In a span of two weeks, we texted 4 times and talked a bit at work. Always kept the texting very short cause of things I read here.
Then Christmas holidays came and I kept thinking too much about her, the start of where it all went wrong probably. Didn’t text but when work started again, I hardly said anything to her anymore (my way of trying to get someone’s attention). Guess it worked though cause one day after work at the end of January, she texted me about our mutual interest. From then on we started having a lot more texts. And from lockdown on, it became daily and a lot more. One time it turned very lightly sexual and she did text some nice selfies which were sometimes lightly sexual as well.
Unfortunately the reason I was able to talk to her is because I usually had a few drinks in the evening. Whenever I felt the buzz kick in, I didn’t care what I answered or texted. Teases and jokes came naturally. Without alcohol I rarely texted her out of the blue, didn’t know what to respond or overanalysed a text from her and concluded she actually didn’t really like me.
During lockdown I drank a lot more, often starting in the afternoon for the rest of the day. Therefore we also started texting daily, I was able to text her something random and it all went so smooth. Then we had to go to work again, I rarely talked to her cause I couldn’t anymore without my buzz. After work I quickly drank two shots of hard liquor to get that buzz going and started our texting routine. I came up with an excuse why I didn’t talk to her in real life (but the truth was I was too shy, didn’t feel funny or witty and my low self-esteem).
But my drinking got worse and worse until one day beginning of August I had too much and acted annoying (not #metoo stuff but just was begging her to text me a lot cause it took too long in my opinion that she responded that day). She didn’t get mad but said the way I acted wasn’t pleasant. I invented a horrible excuse which was a lie of which I am so ashamed I can’t even type it here. That day I completely lost my little confidence I had and thus my responses to her became short and neutral. She did try to reconnect, asking me why I was so quiet and not talking to her anymore. But I was too ashamed so I texted way less.
I still drank, albeit less, but one day beginning of september I again had a few too many and just asked her out because we were talking about that the day before that event in August, but came up with an excuse “maybe in a few weeks, I have some stuff going on”. Didn’t reply on that anymore cause I get the meaning. That was apparently our last texts cause I didn’t hear from her sonce and a half weeks now. I asked her out before during lockdown, but we ofcourse couldn’t pick a date.
We still see each other at work and she’s friendly and all, but yeah my confidence is shot. Partly because of the amount of drinking I did and partly because I’m heartbroken even though we never had anything.
I know I was just an orbiter, that I texted too much and acted like one of the biggest beta’s. And I know that she’s gone and that there is nothing I can do to get it back.
The hardest part now is picking myself up again, I stopped drinking and going to the gym again (I had a good body before lockdown). But I don’t know what else to do, my social skills have never been amazing. And I feel so miserable, seeing her talking to someone else is killing me.
Tl:dr
Met a girl at work, low self esteem so barely talked to her, but we texted a lot because of my alcoholism. Acted stupid one day and now everything is over. I know that she’s gone and it will never come back but I have to pick myself up again, just don’t know how.
