GF of 4 months broke it off today

[AwlaysFukedUp]

Not, definitely not what I am saying. What you are doing by saying that is changing the narrative from neediness, to true love and romance. All the examples I referenced above of you chasing after her, falling hard and fast for her, accepting bad behavior, and trying to talk her into staying with you..... that isn't love and letting women in and letting your guard down or not showing them you care. It's simply needy behavior, the kind that drives women away. You keep trying to rationalize it away. Why? Will ignoring advice and rationalizing it away help you in your current and future situation? They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. So what will you do differently next time, since you seem to think you did most everything right here?



You need to get out of that mindset. I know it sounds strange now but you still have this fairy-tale version of love that simply doesn't exist. Love doesn't generally happen in 4 months time. True love takes a long time.... to really get to know the person, and how they treat you, and who they are. People can hide who they are for a while, but in time their true colors show through.

As a man, your focus should not be falling in love. That is feminine. Your focus, again, should be having a great and fun life filled with friends and interests that you enjoy that keep you busy, and some sex with women is the cherry on top of that cake. If something works out with one of those women and SHE tries to lock you down, then you can decide, but you should be the one stalling that and thinking about whether it is what you want, not her.



The longer you chase after what you believe is love, the longer it will keep running away from you. The fact that you are THIS distraught over a 4 month thing ending shows that you have work to do. When you let your emotions take you over and become so wrapped up in another person like this, ESPECIALLY after just a couple months, you are 10000% setting yourself up for exactly what you just experienced. Rarely do things work out between two people. That's just how it is and I know you know that. And you don't have full control over the result of the relationship. At ANY time the girl can decide to pull the plug. And where does that leave you after you have allowed your emotions to run out of control like a runaway freight train? It leaves you where you are now, feeling like you are dying inside.

So yes, DO advise you not to let your guard down early-on in dating. I'm 9 months into dating my current GF and I still rarely let my guard down, but I do it very selectively and only to reward good behavior on her part. You must protect your heart, and not give it up so easily. Your attitude for the first 6-12 months of dating should be, "Let's see what you have for me.... I'm watching you closely with a suspicious eye and I AM willing to eject."

I'm sorry this happened to you brother, I have been there. A year after my divorce (my wife left me), I wasn't really into any of the girls I dated in that year. Then I met one who I felt a real connection with. Like your ex, she was recently out of a relationship, though in her case it was a 15 year abusive marriage. She made me believe I was the best man she had ever met, dated, slept with and love-bombed me hard. I was blue-pilled and believed it. She told me she loved me after just one month. I believed it and started saying it back. A month later she dumped me out of the blue (there were signs but I wasn't wise enough to recognize them back then) with no real good explanation and I was devastated. It was almost worse than my divorce. It took my pathetic self two years to get over her fully, after just a two month long "relationship." That's just fvcking RIDICULOUS and I cringe at even sharing this story but I do so to show you that you are not alone and we have gone through similar experiences!!! Girls do things like this. Hell, YOU will probably do things like this to girls too who you date and decide you just aren't into. I don't have these issues any more and there is a reason for that. I listened to advise, did a lot of reading, developed myself, changed my lifestyle, and become what I am today. You can do the same.

Relationships are not a fairy-tale and they are a delicate balancing act. Push and pull. All you did was pull.

Be a man. Pull yourself together. Control your emotions both now in your wounded state, and in the future with women. It hurts, I know, but don't invest so hard so fast again.

I agree with everything you've said. The truth? The honest-to-God hurts me to admit truth? Denial. I don't want to accept that this is in any way my fault. I can't. It crushes me further because it makes me feel like I COULD have done something differently and changed the outcome, and the fact that I didn't makes me a failure and makes me hate myself even more than I already have all these years. I do now agree that I was overly invested and reacted as such in some interactions with her, but I just felt like it was ok to do that. As cringey-cheesy as this sounds, I felt like I could trust her with my heart. I never expected her to step on it and throw it on the trash, then to add to that tell me she (essentially) never had feelings for me and imply that everything I felt was completely the opposite of what she felt.

I still believe her being "on the rebound" played a significant part in the direction this ultimately went because it contributes heavily to her emotional unavailability, and that I was an idiot for pursuing a woman JUST out of a relationship so hard, but I do agree with you...

 

[oldmanofthesea]

I'm glad that you are evaluating it now. That is the start to healing and recovery.

Yes, most of us did the same thing when dumped. But what I need to warn you about that is that, while it is good to analyze your actions and learn from it so you can be better next time, it is dangerous to think that things would have worked out with her if you only did X or Y. It is entirely possible that you go back in time and do things differently and she still wouldn't have been interested. So let that fact comfort you in terms of being too hard on yourself about it.

The emotions you feel now should be a motivator for you to do a better job of protecting your heart in the future, and for studying here and reading books, asking questions, etc. You learned a lesson, as we all have, and it will help you evolve into a better, stronger person who isn't hurt so easily.

I remember, after that year after my divorce, when things didn't work out with the girl I told you about, thinking that I would never find someone again. Now I look back and laugh because I am 44 and regularly hooking up with extremely hot 23yo girls, I approach any girl I want and have good interactions, and I have girls sliding into my DMs on social media. That's actually how I met my current GF. I didn't even have to look. This will happen for you as well, as you improve yourself and your situation. But again, I wouldn't look for that to be the end-goal. The goal is to just be happy, busy, have hobbies, have a lot of friends, hang out with girls and hook up with them without wanting anything more from them. If that's all you do the rest of your life, how could that be a bad thing?!?! On the other hand, if a girl tries to lock you down and you think she's worth it, then go ahead. That's the way to live.

You will feel better in time. My strong advice in the state you are in now is force yourself to get an hour of cardio per day. You won't feel like it and it will be hard to do, but force yourself. Then force yourself to accomplish one thing each day that you know you will feel proud of doing afterward. It could be something as dumb as cleaning up your tool bench in your garage or washing and detailing your car. It will be hard to get started but you have to put one foot in front of the other. Man, I remember when my wife left me, I didn't eat for three weeks. Things got better for me and they will get better for you as they do for everyone.

 

[AwlaysFukedUp]

I'm glad that you are evaluating it now. That is the start to healing and recovery.

Yes, most of us did the same thing when dumped. But what I need to warn you about that is that, while it is good to analyze your actions and learn from it so you can be better next time, it is dangerous to think that things would have worked out with her if you only did X or Y. It is entirely possible that you go back in time and do things differently and she still wouldn't have been interested. So let that fact comfort you in terms of being too hard on yourself about it.

The emotions you feel now should be a motivator for you to do a better job of protecting your heart in the future, and for studying here and reading books, asking questions, etc. You learned a lesson, as we all have, and it will help you evolve into a better, stronger person who isn't hurt so easily.

I remember, after that year after my divorce, when things didn't work out with the girl I told you about, thinking that I would never find someone again. Now I look back and laugh because I am 44 and regularly hooking up with extremely hot 23yo girls, I approach any girl I want and have good interactions, and I have girls sliding into my DMs on social media. That's actually how I met my current GF. I didn't even have to look. This will happen for you as well, as you improve yourself and your situation. But again, I wouldn't look for that to be the end-goal. The goal is to just be happy, busy, have hobbies, have a lot of friends, hang out with girls and hook up with them without wanting anything more from them. If that's all you do the rest of your life, how could that be a bad thing?!?! On the other hand, if a girl tries to lock you down and you think she's worth it, then go ahead. That's the way to live.

You will feel better in time. My strong advice in the state you are in now is force yourself to get an hour of cardio per day. You won't feel like it and it will be hard to do, but force yourself. Then force yourself to accomplish one thing each day that you know you will feel proud of doing afterward. It could be something as dumb as cleaning up your tool bench in your garage or washing and detailing your car. It will be hard to get started but you have to put one foot in front of the other. Man, I remember when my wife left me, I didn't eat for three weeks. Things got better for me and they will get better for you as they do for everyone.

Thank you man. I just worry that I will keep falling into this trap because I might have a mental issue or something. Maybe I need therapy? Maybe I should be on anti-depressants? Now that I think about it, I've always gravitated more towards women who are mentally unstable/emotionally unavailable, which would signify that something in my brain seeks these people out for whatever reason. But I don't know why

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Thank you man. I just worry that I will keep falling into this trap because I might have a mental issue or something. Maybe I need therapy? Maybe I should be on anti-depressants? Now that I think about it, I've always gravitated more towards women who are mentally unstable/emotionally unavailable, which would signify that something in my brain seeks these people out for whatever reason. But I don't know why

Get in the gym. At least 30 mins cardio and some weights. 5 times a week.

See a relationship therepist whose against drugs. Talking thru it can shift your mindstate into a stronger outlook. Right now your psyche is just beat up.

 

[AwlaysFukedUp]

What do you all think about me getting back on Tinder/Bumble/Hinge? Not necessarily to look for a date/hookup immediately, but just to swipe and attempt to connect with other women? I'll admit though that I'm scared I might see her on there and it's going to give me another panic/depressive attack.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

Maybe I need therapy? Maybe I should be on anti-depressants?

Most people on this forum are against anti-depressants, but I believe they are an option for people who have truly tried everything else and simply can't function. I don't get the sense that is you, but only you would know. I did end up getting on them for the first and only time in my life, right after my divorce. I stayed on them 9 months and then tapered off and haven't needed them again. A therapist could definitely help you and it can be good to have someone to talk to while you are processing the breakup and all the revelations you have had. I would suggest a male therapist though.

Now that I think about it, I've always gravitated more towards women who are mentally unstable/emotionally unavailable, which would signify that something in my brain seeks these people out for whatever reason. But I don't know why

Often times the product of an unavailable mother, and/or lack of self love - you don't think you deserve the emotional availability. This stuff can be deeply rooted. Therapy could help that, but what I have found is that self-development helps even more. Specifically, reading self help books and deliberately forcing yourself to do things that are outside of your comfort zone until you have no more fears. Afraid to approach groups of female strangers? Then do that. Afraid of public speech? Then do that. Afraid of fighting? Take martial arts. Once you do all these things and succeed, the confidence boost you get is so strong, it often takes care of many of the kinds of mental issues that were programmed into your brain from a young age.

What do you all think about me getting back on Tinder/Bumble/Hinge? Not necessarily to look for a date/hookup immediately, but just to swipe and attempt to connect with other women?

I would not advise that. First of all, you don't need pen-pals or to become some girl's orbiter. OLD is for making the initial connection only, then you meet in-person and take it from there. OLD is not a great option for men. There have been dozens of threads here as to why so I won't get into that here, but I will ask you why you feel you need OLD to connect with women? Don't you have any female friends? What does your social circle look like? Aren't there women in it? Do you regularly strike up conversation in public with women you've never met before?

 

[zinc4]

4 months down the f*cking drain. We were texting today and she sent me this:

"Hey.

I have been thinking a lot about us lately, and where our relationship is headed. I'm feeling uncertain about our future, and I don’t think that's a good sign. You're really special and you deserve to be with someone who is ready to give you that relationship you’re looking for.

We are a great match in many ways- you're attractive, funny, and we have fun together. But for whatever reason, I'm not feeling strongly enough about this, and I know at this point in my life that it is important to me to have that strong connection with someone. You deserve real feeling and enthusiasm and for whatever reason I just can't deliver that to you right now. I have been waiting for stronger feelings to come because we seemed compatible, but they just haven’t.

I don't want to be in your way and hold you back from you the life you will be living soon with someone who is ready for that, and knowing that's not me I think it is best to free you up. I really really struggled with this decision because I like you and don't want to hurt you. I didn't make it lightly but I feel sure it's the right thing. I’m really sorry about it. You have been very sweet to me over the past few months. You can call me to talk if you want to. I am writing this to you because I am very selfish and don’t want to see you hurt. If you do need more closure though, I can talk on the phone. I wish you all the best."

I called her after I got this and we talked for a few minutes. She essentially said that she liked me, felt we had chemistry, and blah blah blah, but she was waiting for feelings to come and they never did. She also said she feels "heartless" or like she doesn't have emotions right now.

A few other things to note:

-The biggest thing... We started dating pretty much immediately after her last relationship, which was a 2-3 year relationship
-She's on lexapro (don't know for how long, but probably since before we met)
-She had a kidney infection the past week and stopped taking her birth control last Wednesday, then just got back on it yesterday or something

All bad signs, I know. BUT her and I had ridiculous chemistry in EVERY way and she was quickly becoming like a best friend as well as someone I was falling for, so I thought we were feeling the same (or close) and it would work. I was wrong. Apparently she never had real feelings for me (even though by her words she wanted them), all the while I'm legitimately falling in love with her. We had both agreed multiple times that we had crazy chemistry, which we also both agreed is extremely hard to find. She would also call me her boyfriend in text messages to friends (I know this because she'd text in front of me).

Per the usual post-breakup I feel absolutely horrendous. This totally took me by surprise. I'm shocked, hurting to a point I can't even describe, and I feel like everything I was looking forward to in the near future has totally crumbled. I'm trying not to think about the good times we had, but I can't help it, and whenever I do it breaks me even further. We were supposed to hangout tomorrow, we were going to take a trip to the beach in two weeks (which I made reservations for), and she told me she would be there for me/with me when I moved (moving to a new place in the same area next month). All gone. All of it plus 4 months of time, memories, and me falling in love with her.

This was one of the 2-3 girls EVER in 10-12 years of dating who I felt honest-to-god STRONG chemistry with. It hits even harder because I feel like I might never find this again. I also hate dating and was really happy to be out of that "game".

I sent her this text after:

"Hey I just wanted to say a few things that are on my mind because you said you feel heartless or like you don't have emotions right now. You told me that you're on anti-depressants. They can be great, but they also numb your emotions and make you think/feel differently than you otherwise would. Also, you said you stopped taking your birth control last week. I'm sure you already know this, but birth control messes with your hormones and starting/stopping can change the way you feel. On top of those factors, you just had a traumatic experience with that stalker guy and having this kidney infection. And lastly, I honestly don't think you gave "us" enough time. 3 months isn't even long enough to get over your ex of 2-3 years, let alone catch feelings for someone else. If you would have given us longer you might have caught feelings like I did. I'm not trying to change your mind and I respect your decision even though it crushes me, but I just wanted to make you aware of these things if you aren't already, because they may be influencing your feelings."

It was from a 98% rational perspective. I really am not sure if it's a good thing she's breaking it off now, or if there was a chance she'd have eventually gotten feelings in the future if we kept seeing each other.

It's all even more confusing, because a few weeks ago I sat down with her and told her if she needed/want space, or to see other people, or just to break it off or whatever--she could, and that she should do it right away. But she didn't want to. Then a few weeks later she does this. Just last weekend she also wanted me to spend the night two nights in a row, which we had never done before. This plus a lot of other things made me think we were getting closer and closer, then she drops this bomb on me today.

The best way I can sum up how I'm feeling is... Hopeless. Completely hopeless. I don't even know what to do or where to go now.

Man up and delete her off all your contacts/social media platforms. Welcome to the real world. As others said you made yourself too easy for her. And any woman on meds like that is a mess anyways not future material regardless of what tge SJWs will tell you. Better it happen now than a year or 2 down the road.

Chalk it off as a learning experience. There are plenty more where that came from.

The only time a woman has fallen in love with me was when i lost sexual interest and genuinely didn't give a ****. Conversely the only time ones i dated several times have left me was when i was too emotionally invested. It is what it is. Reality can be a ***** at times haha. At least know the harsh rules of it though.

 

[AwlaysFukedUp]

Most people on this forum are against anti-depressants, but I believe they are an option for people who have truly tried everything else and simply can't function. I don't get the sense that is you, but only you would know. I did end up getting on them for the first and only time in my life, right after my divorce. I stayed on them 9 months and then tapered off and haven't needed them again. A therapist could definitely help you and it can be good to have someone to talk to while you are processing the breakup and all the revelations you have had. I would suggest a male therapist though.



Often times the product of an unavailable mother, and/or lack of self love - you don't think you deserve the emotional availability. This stuff can be deeply rooted. Therapy could help that, but what I have found is that self-development helps even more. Specifically, reading self help books and deliberately forcing yourself to do things that are outside of your comfort zone until you have no more fears. Afraid to approach groups of female strangers? Then do that. Afraid of public speech? Then do that. Afraid of fighting? Take martial arts. Once you do all these things and succeed, the confidence boost you get is so strong, it often takes care of many of the kinds of mental issues that were programmed into your brain from a young age.



I would not advise that. First of all, you don't need pen-pals or to become some girl's orbiter. OLD is for making the initial connection only, then you meet in-person and take it from there. OLD is not a great option for men. There have been dozens of threads here as to why so I won't get into that here, but I will ask you why you feel you need OLD to connect with women? Don't you have any female friends? What does your social circle look like? Aren't there women in it? Do you regularly strike up conversation in public with women you've never met before?

I have some female friends, but not many and the ones I do have don't live close by. I've always used OLD because my social circle has never been great. My best friends live far, and at this point (30 y/o) everyone is married. I don't talk to random women in public usually, and the only place I'd even have the opportunity would be at the gym.

I also have been compiling all a list of all the red flags I can remember about her that I overlooked during these 4 months. Just so I can stop putting her on a pedestal and so I can spot these come the next time I date someone and am liking them. And maybe it'll help educate some other guys on this forum too.

-The posting of salacious pictures/videos publicly on social media (mainly snapchat). She would randomly post pictures showing her ass in yoga pants. And the one video she posted was of her pole-dancing in short shorts with half her ass hanging out as she swung around the pole. She hasn't posted any of these in the last month after our "talk", but I'm sure it'll start again soon now that we're over. I even remember back when she was still with her ex before we met she would randomly post pictures showing her ass in tight pants. I think this shows that she may have some self-esteem issues and requires attention/validation from others to make herself feel attractive.

-She told me she was drugged and raped in college, which prompted her to take a year off school. I have a lot of empathy for her here, but I'm sure this caused a lot of emotional trauma and baggage.

-She told me her older sister has borderline personality disorder and might even be a sociopath, and said she has trauma and trust issues because her sister would do REALLY messed up things to her when they were younger.

-The antidepressants and lorazepam. I have NO problem with these medications, but it does signify she has depression/anxiety issues she couldn't deal with without them, so her anxiety/depression must have been bad.

-She admitted to still talking to her ex "as friends".

-One night she was wearing a shirt that her ex gave her. And it wasn't just a normal shirt. It was a navy shirt with his last name on the back (he's in the navy). She also gave me a shirt to wear one night that he had made for her. It had a graphic of a spider she kept as a pet or something and she told me it was an inside joke between them.

-And of course that time 3 weeks ago when she canceled our friday date night because she said she had to babysit, then I saw snaps of her having a party at her place, which she didn't tell me about or invite me to. Her excuse being she DID babysit, and afterward a girlfriend wanted to hangout so they did, then other people got invited and it turned into a party, and she didn't invite me because "I don't really drink so she didn't think I would have fun". I found the excuse ridiculous, but had fallen for her at that point and was willing to move past it.

 

[zinc4]

I have some female friends, but not many and the ones I do have don't live close by. I've always used OLD because my social circle has never been great. My best friends live far, and at this point (30 y/o) everyone is married. I don't talk to random women in public usually, and the only place I'd even have the opportunity would be at the gym.

I also have been compiling all a list of all the red flags I can remember about her that I overlooked during these 4 months. Just so I can stop putting her on a pedestal and so I can spot these come the next time I date someone and am liking them. And maybe it'll help educate some other guys on this forum too.

-The posting of salacious pictures/videos publicly on social media (mainly snapchat). She would randomly post pictures showing her ass in yoga pants. And the one video she posted was of her pole-dancing in short shorts with half her ass hanging out as she swung around the pole. She hasn't posted any of these in the last month after our "talk", but I'm sure it'll start again soon now that we're over. I even remember back when she was still with her ex before we met she would randomly post pictures showing her ass in tight pants. I think this shows that she may have some self-esteem issues and requires attention/validation from others to make herself feel attractive.

-She told me she was drugged and raped in college, which prompted her to take a year off school. I have a lot of empathy for her here, but I'm sure this caused a lot of emotional trauma and baggage.

-She told me her older sister has borderline personality disorder and might even be a sociopath, and said she has trauma and trust issues because her sister would do REALLY messed up things to her when they were younger.

-The antidepressants and lorazepam. I have NO problem with these medications, but it does signify she has depression/anxiety issues she couldn't deal with without them, so her anxiety/depression must have been bad.

-She admitted to still talking to her ex "as friends".

-One night she was wearing a shirt that her ex gave her. And it wasn't just a normal shirt. It was a navy shirt with his last name on the back (he's in the navy). She also gave me a shirt to wear one night that he had made for her. It had a graphic of a spider she kept as a pet or something and she told me it was an inside joke between them.

-And of course that time 3 weeks ago when she canceled our friday date night because she said she had to babysit, then I saw snaps of her having a party at her place, which she didn't tell me about or invite me to. Her excuse being she DID babysit, and afterward a girlfriend wanted to hangout so they did, then other people got invited and it turned into a party, and she didn't invite me because "I don't really drink so she didn't think I would have fun". I found the excuse ridiculous, but had fallen for her at that point and was willing to move past it.

My goodness. Those are not just red flags OP. Those are run for the hills siren red alerts. Wtf lol. Trust me. She did you a huge favor. A trainwreck like that would ruin your life if you continued to see her for a long time. Stop simping and feeling sorry for her. She doesn't give a **** about you man never did. She is probably incapable of it in the first place.

 

[Trojan3000]

Replied to these red flags to give you some ideas of where you messed up:

I have some female friends, but not many and the ones I do have don't live close by. I've always used OLD because my social circle has never been great. My best friends live far, and at this point (30 y/o) everyone is married. I don't talk to random women in public usually, and the only place I'd even have the opportunity would be at the gym.

I also have been compiling all a list of all the red flags I can remember about her that I overlooked during these 4 months. Just so I can stop putting her on a pedestal and so I can spot these come the next time I date someone and am liking them. And maybe it'll help educate some other guys on this forum too.

-The posting of salacious pictures/videos publicly on social media (mainly snapchat). She would randomly post pictures showing her ass in yoga pants. And the one video she posted was of her pole-dancing in short shorts with half her ass hanging out as she swung around the pole. When a girl is in a Rebound phase, she is looking for guys to attract, sexually. She wants to get over the feelings of hurt and get over the past boyfriend/partner. Her gal is to attract someone solely for sexual gratification, or temporary partnership.

-She told me she was drugged and raped in college, which prompted her to take a year off school. I have a lot of empathy for her here, but I'm sure this caused a lot of emotional trauma and baggage. <-- usually a red flag when a girl starts a relatonship telling you deep **** like this. something that BPD chicks do.

-She told me her older sister has borderline personality disorder and might even be a sociopath, and said she has trauma and trust issues because her sister would do REALLY messed up things to her when they were younger. BPD chicks always try to put things on other people, or try to put things on you, that's actually fitting for THEMSELVES. Furthermore, girls who have been abused by Narcissists or BPD, will likely take on NPD and BPD traits themselves.

-The antidepressants and lorazepam. I have NO problem with these medications, but it does signify she has depression/anxiety issues she couldn't deal with without them, so her anxiety/depression must have been bad. Would never date a g irl on meds, solicit them only for sex.

-She admitted to still talking to her ex "as friends".
You sure know how to ignore red flags haha. See if she was sane, not clearly looking for a rebound, etc this wouldntbe entirely crazy but something most people avoid anyways

-One night she was wearing a shirt that her ex gave her. And it wasn't just a normal shirt. It was a navy shirt with his last name on the back (he's in the navy). She also gave me a shirt to wear one night that he had made for her. It had a graphic of a spider she kept as a pet or something and she told me it was an inside joke between them.
****ign weird

-And of course that time 3 weeks ago when she canceled our friday date night because she said she had to babysit, then I saw snaps of her having a party at her place, which she didn't tell me about or invite me to. Her excuse being she DID babysit, and afterward a girlfriend wanted to hangout so they did, then other people got invited and it turned into a party, and she didn't invite me because "I don't really drink so she didn't think I would have fun". I found the excuse ridiculous, but had fallen for her at that point and was willing to move past it.
What I hope helps you get over this girl, who clearly manipulated you alot, and had you emotionally hooked, is realize she gave 0 ****s about you and you were just a rebound. Howver, with most rebounds, they don't expect the guy to start liking them and more.. Usually they go for reboudns with guys who they think just want sex, or the typical big **** dude because he'll be ag ood rebound. But when you start showing them you're super into them, especially right off bat, they see you as this puppy dog to manipulate and use to boost their own ego, help them feel validated (these bitches are insecure in alot of ways), help you get over their ex.. meanwhile, while looking for an "ideal Partner" (Whom they will almost never see you as, especially in your circumstances). Then when they find that person, or realize they can potentially hurt the **** outta u and feel guilty, they toss u out like an old teddy bear and move on.

Now the thing that has me wondering is what the hell is going in your life or with you that made you fall for a girl like this, despite so many red flags? I don't want to make any assumptions, but do you lack experience with women?

 

[AwlaysFukedUp]

Replied to these red flags to give you some ideas of where you messed up:



Now the thing that has me wondering is what the hell is going in your life or with you that made you fall for a girl like this, despite so many red flags? I don't want to make any assumptions, but do you lack experience with women?

No. I have a lot of dating experience. I just tend to catch feelings for women who are emotionally ****ed up or unavailable for some reason. Every woman I've felt strongly about, literally every single one, had emotional issues (whether I knew it or not early on). The ones that don't I don't feel much for and get bored within a month. I'm starting to think I'm kind of a captain save a ho, and that mixed with us actually having similarities pushed me like her way too much. I honestly thought I could help her get over her ex, and once she did she'd fall for me and it would all work out

More red-ish flag flags...

-she told me she stripped at one point. She said it was very brief but I didn't ask much about it

-she wanted to be dominated and humiliated in bed. Like the usual rough sex, but also wanted me to call her a dirty/stupid little sl*t/wh0re/f*cktoy. Then as time went on she told me she wanted me to slap her in the face (lightly) during sex too. I actually didn't really think this was a red flag then because a lot of people are into crazy ****, but looking back combined with all the other stuff it probably was

 

[zinc4]

No. I have a lot of dating experience. I just tend to catch feelings for women who are emotionally ****ed up or unavailable for some reason. Every woman I've felt strongly about, literally every single one, had emotional issues (whether I knew it or not early on). The ones that don't I don't feel much for and get bored within a month. I'm starting to think I'm kind of a captain save a ho, and that mixed with us actually having similarities pushed me like her way too much. I honestly thought I could help her get over her ex, and once she did she'd fall for me and it would all work out

More red-ish flag flags...

-she told me she stripped at one point. She said it was very brief but I didn't ask much about it

-she wanted to be dominated and humiliated in bed. Like the usual rough sex, but also wanted me to call her a dirty/stupid little sl*t/wh0re/f*cktoy. Then as time went on she told me she wanted me to slap her in the face (lightly) during sex too. I actually didn't really think this was a red flag then because a lot of people are into crazy ****, but looking back combined with all the other stuff it probably was

Lmao. Stripper thing is a no go man. You should have ejected then. Maybe im harsh and even a bit mean as i grow older but i would have told her what a disgusting ***** she is after getting my fill of sex with her and then just delete her. I have no mercy with low quality women. No man should imo.

 

[Trojan3000]

No. I have a lot of dating experience. I just tend to catch feelings for women who are emotionally ****ed up or unavailable for some reason. Every woman I've felt strongly about, literally every single one, had emotional issues (whether I knew it or not early on). The ones that don't I don't feel much for and get bored within a month. I'm starting to think I'm kind of a captain save a ho, and that mixed with us actually having similarities pushed me like her way too much. I honestly thought I could help her get over her ex, and once she did she'd fall for me and it would all work out

More red-ish flag flags...

-she told me she stripped at one point. She said it was very brief but I didn't ask much about it

-she wanted to be dominated and humiliated in bed. Like the usual rough sex, but also wanted me to call her a dirty/stupid little sl*t/wh0re/f*cktoy. Then as time went on she told me she wanted me to slap her in the face (lightly) during sex too. I actually didn't really think this was a red flag then because a lot of people are into crazy ****, but looking back combined with all the other stuff it probably was

I think you're just finding some really bad apples and settling for them because, the truth is, they tend to be easy and usually have some seductive value. Infact, most of them find you, instead of you finding them. (Meaning they go out their way to make a connection with you as soon as you show any slight interest) Did she make the first move? I mean I would assume she did because she was looking for a rebound and found you.

I will tell you one thing though. Once you know how to handle these types, you get yourself a great sex partner.. They hate weakness though like most women, its actually THEM who fall for emotionally unavailable men. If you can rock their world sexually and are emotionally unavailable, they'll want you forever. Though you have to deal with them trying to manipulate you to try to get any "reigns" on you. However, this can easily be stopped by dropping them like a bad habit.. and watch them come back pleading for you. They usually won't try to manipulate you again because they don't want to lose you (fear of abandonment).. the crazies are used to being alone because everyone leaves . It's ironic your name is "Always ****ed up" but they're the major ****ups. They tend to never be happy, always have self esteem issues, need validation, usually always through sex.

*Now I do want to mention some of these things are generalizations, but take it from me, i dealt with more than one of these girls in my life.. Usually they all have many of these same tendencies.

If you ever find yourself "caring" for a girl like this, or developing "feelings", you're already out. Why? it's because once they know they have you, they will eithr manipulate u until ur a puppy dog they control, or if they cant control u or you dont satisfy their selfish needs, they just get rid of you, boosting their own ego while being in the power position

 

[AwlaysFukedUp]

I think you're just finding some really bad apples and settling for them because, the truth is, they tend to be easy and usually have some seductive value. Infact, most of them find you, instead of you finding them. (Meaning they go out their way to make a connection with you as soon as you show any slight interest) Did she make the first move? I mean I would assume she did because she was looking for a rebound and found you.

I will tell you one thing though. Once you know how to handle these types, you get yourself a great sex partner.. They hate weakness though like most women, its actually THEM who fall for emotionally unavailable men. If you can rock their world sexually and are emotionally unavailable, they'll want you forever. Though you have to deal with them trying to manipulate you to try to get any "reigns" on you. However, this can easily be stopped by dropping them like a bad habit.. and watch them come back pleading for you. They usually won't try to manipulate you again because they don't want to lose you (fear of abandonment).. the crazies are used to being alone because everyone leaves . It's ironic your name is "Always ****ed up" but they're the major ****ups. They tend to never be happy, always have self esteem issues, need validation, usually always through sex.

*Now I do want to mention some of these things are generalizations, but take it from me, i dealt with more than one of these girls in my life.. Usually they all have many of these same tendencies.

If you ever find yourself "caring" for a girl like this, or developing "feelings", you're already out. Why? it's because once they know they have you, they will eithr manipulate u until ur a puppy dog they control, or if they cant control u or you dont satisfy their selfish needs, they just get rid of you, boosting their own ego while being in the power position

She did and she didn't. We talked on tinder years ago before she even got with her ex initially. At some point we became Facebook friends and I'd randomly message her just asking how she was doing or whatever when I was having a lull in my dating life (essentially checking if she was single yet). She eventually told me there was a "cheating incident" (which I came to find out later was him talking to another woman and he was going to cheat), then I laid it on heavier telling her "once a cheater always a cheater" and that she should break up with him and that I'd show her how a real man treats a woman blah blah. In my defense here, I wasn't lying. I think cheaters are terrible and figured the dude was a piece of **** who should be dumped. Fast forward to the end of her relationship when she finally broke up when him... We're sexting and I'm chasing her trying to get her to hangout. She's playing hard to get so I just kind of let go and give her some time and within a week or two she hits me up on a random Saturday night asking what I'm up to. And that night was the first time we hungout/had sex.

So yes and no. Apologies for the drawn out answer lmao

 

[oldmanofthesea]

Great idea to list out the red flags. It will help you process and move on and also learn.

Regarding sexual abuse, I don’t think I have ever met a woman has claimed she never had any type of sexual abuse at all. I don’t close the door on a girl for that or there would literally be no girls remaining.

On saving women, yeah I’ve tried that too back in the day. All it does is create resentment on both sides and you (hopefully) learn you can’t change people.

 

[Solomon]

Not to hijack but I was in a similar situation

WIth a chick who was in a long term relationship and was single for 6 months, we only dated for 2 months but we had compatible issues and it became obvious. She was smart, fun to be around and had a great sex drive but I just wasn't feeling it for something long term and she still had issues about her ex

My point is women like this are fun to be with for a short term but you are just a rebound, now that im single im back on my purpose

 

[bcude]

Thank you man. I just worry that I will keep falling into this trap because I might have a mental issue or something. Maybe I need therapy? Maybe I should be on anti-depressants? Now that I think about it, I've always gravitated more towards women who are mentally unstable/emotionally unavailable, which would signify that something in my brain seeks these people out for whatever reason. But I don't know why

Sorry this happend to you, but it's a blessing in disguise you're just not aware of... yet. You will grow from this and find better women and make better judgement calls in the future, i promise. Or else you wouldn't have found your way to this forum. It shows that you want to work on yourself.

Now as an alternative to anti-depressants. May i suggest two very potent things combined in one. Forest walks. Just spending time and being in the forest is scientifically proven as treatment for depressed people in Japan. Exercise obviously too. Why not combine them into forest runs? It always helps me when i'm in emotional turmoil and it won't hurt to try.

It also sounds like you could benefit from reading about attachment theory. Your way of gravitating towards those women may be rooted in childhood. Now is the perfect time to read about this stuff to be aware of where your behavior might be coming from and work on it for the future.
Another tip i will leave you with as i know how it feels immediately after a break up. Don't be so hard on yourself... really. Be kind and patient towards yourself. You're just a human with good intentions. Sometimes sh1t happens. That's life. You choose however if you want to learn from it or continue the same pattern for the rest of your life and end up with the same outcome. Good luck.

 

[Toddz]

More red-ish flag flags...

-she told me she stripped at one point. She said it was very brief but I didn't ask much about it

-she wanted to be dominated and humiliated in bed. Like the usual rough sex, but also wanted me to call her a dirty/stupid little sl*t/wh0re/f*cktoy. Then as time went on she told me she wanted me to slap her in the face (lightly) during sex too. I actually didn't really think this was a red flag then because a lot of people are into crazy ****, but looking back combined with all the other stuff it probably was

She's on antidepressants and is a former stripper. You dodged a bullet. You may not realize it now, but you will.

You are not in love with her, it's simply lust and your ego wanting her to be yours.

Solution? Get another soldier, your princess is in another castle.

Lastly, cut off all contact and move on. Don't go down that path of dragging this out for another 4 months. She'll likely want to keep you as an orbiter and for validation. Don't give her that pillow and comfort.

 

[bat soup]

I think this is more or less what happened:

Mr Logic at the Railway Station - Viz

The acute localised bodily smart in the rectal area.

viz.co.uk

She is Miss Emotional and you are Mr Logic. She's talking about her feelings and you are trying to persuade her with logical arguments. If you want to change her mind, you have to change how she feels about you by behaving in a different way and not doing whatever you were doing that turned her off.

 

[Jango_88]

damn I was in a similar situation like you 1.5 months back haha. I even had a thread as well. The good thing is that I have ghosted her since then. Never reached out to her anymore and will never ever reach out again. Just ghost her, thats the best you can do at the moment. I know its very hard, but I been there and I feel great now, I dont even care if she comes back or not. She still likes every picture I post on social media, but you know what? I dont give a damn about it, because if she really wants my d*ck again, then she has to come back crawling on her knees and some likes definitely wont do it.

I met 3 girls since then. 2 of them were bombs, one of them trash! Just try to have fun and work on yourself! go to the gym and enjoy your life! life is too short to be anything but happy brother!