Do literally all women do this at the end of an LTR or just the ones I've dated?

[oldmanofthesea]

Same! I let my gf back in the early stages when I was very nonchalant, still banging multiple women and didn't really want her... but of course that all drew her to me more and she treats me like a king. I got sucked into a relationship I never wanted.

Yeah it is quite a trap. I think my willingness to walk away (repeatedly) increased attraction. They say they will work on things, change, blah blah blah.... and in this girl's case I really could see her trying to change, but it looked like she was trying to walk up a down-escalator. I could see her seething under the surface and expending a lot of effort trying to control her emotions, outbursts, complaints, jealousies, insecurities. It would only last 1-3 weeks and then her natural, true nature would finally bubble up and explode. All that "progress" is lost. And then I dump, and then she begs me back yet again.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Look at how she talks about her last bf. That will tell you how she will talk about you. If she seems compromising and chalk up the breakup to lack of chemistry or connection, or perhaps They were just growing apart, then that’s a good sign. If she bad mouths him, there is an insecurity somewhere and lack of accountability. Even if the ex was genuinely an a$$hole, most sane healthy women will tell you it was their fault to allow such behavior. They wouldn’t just skip over the fact that they continued to stay in the relationship despite the behavior. Because of your romantic goggles, you might even overlook this aspect in her.

I think perhaps your sticking point is just vetting at the very beginning. Most guys don’t approach women form a vetting and qualifying perspective, they approach women from a validation perspective. They look for every sign to validate the woman as compatible and ignore every blatant red flag.

And I understand where this comes from. It comes from placing success in being in a relationship. If you are a tenant who is desperate for a place, you will kiss up to the landlord and follow rules you don’t believe in and end up with resentment. If you have options then you will make sure your new home is compatible in every way.

It will be a process. More men should just look at dating as a process and not a destination. Allow the process to unfold naturally and know the universe doesnt owe you anything and every relationship is likely to end at some point but it doesn’t define you.


Romance can not define a man. It’s just a backdrop. A process that may or may not work out depending on sometimes, just pure luck and serendipity.

So many guys act like romance is the ultimate destination and I feel sorry for these guys. All the people who have died accidental deaths or were murdered before they got to experience a “perfect relationship” would like to have a word with you about your delusional hubris.

Maybe a bit alarming that you fell for this Garbage. But maybe you didn’t so bear with me.

This stuff comes up after she has slept with another man. never before. Her criticisms are glaring admissions of fukkery.

she lessens it by turning it on you and laying responsibility for the whole thing on you.

the mere fact that she does this is proof that she knew she did wrong.

Did we ever name the type that always tries to spin the bullshyt they did and plant it on you? I call em "dirty politicians"

 

[Kotaix]

Something I have noticed with all women I've had LTRs with:

Each woman has their own wants and needs in a relationship. As with anyone, those wants and needs are their OWN, and they vary from person to person. We all have different wants and needs. But what I have found is that when it comes to women, if things aren't working out because they don't feel you are meeting their own individual wants and needs, and it leads to a break-up or a serious relationship crisis, they all position themselves on this high perch and give you this unsolicited "advice" that if you don't change and do the things THEY want, you'll never be successful in relationships because "all women want those things." And they say it with such conviction. "All women expect their boyfriends to do ________ and if you don't do that, you will never be successful in relationships."

All anyone can ever do is project their own ideas out into the world. No one can speak for a gender (or a race) and anyone who claims to do so is a delusional fool.

I haven't run across what you're describing, but a woman who is making demands and generalizing like that is a woman that should be dumped on her ass for being disrespectful. If she doesn't like you for who you are then she can find someone else to b!tch at.

But honestly, if this comes up, you aren't compatible.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Something I have noticed with all women I've had LTRs with:

Each woman has their own wants and needs in a relationship. As with anyone, those wants and needs are their OWN, and they vary from person to person. We all have different wants and needs. But what I have found is that when it comes to women, if things aren't working out because they don't feel you are meeting their own individual wants and needs, and it leads to a break-up or a serious relationship crisis, they all position themselves on this high perch and give you this unsolicited "advice" that if you don't change and do the things THEY want, you'll never be successful in relationships because "all women want those things." And they say it with such conviction. "All women expect their boyfriends to do ________ and if you don't do that, you will never be successful in relationships."

I have never had a woman do this

 

[mrgoodstuff]

This is a general idea floating around of “why” women do this but it is completely incorrect.
they do this when they have done irreparable damage.
Most women. As high as over 90%, cannot stop their impulses. They can love you to death and sleep with many, many men while with you. In the end, it will be “your fault” or “your shortcomings”

there is no penalty or downside to this for them because men actually fall for it.

some men never recover and walk around thinking that they messed it up and lost their soulmate for good. When in fact she dissected him.

You know women say "they don't care"? The reason is because there is no consequence.

 

[BeExcellent]

Yeah it is quite a trap. I think my willingness to walk away (repeatedly) increased attraction. They say they will work on things, change, blah blah blah.... and in this girl's case I really could see her trying to change, but it looked like she was trying to walk up a down-escalator. I could see her seething under the surface and expending a lot of effort trying to control her emotions, outbursts, complaints, jealousies, insecurities. It would only last 1-3 weeks and then her natural, true nature would finally bubble up and explode. All that "progress" is lost. And then I dump, and then she begs me back yet again.

Wow that sounds like my recent ex BF. Really trying but then screws up royally and begs back. Eventually you can’t give more chances. Life is too short. I LOVED my ex. But he’s very broken and it’s not my job to fix him or manage him. You can’t become the enabler. And that is who you become if you cannot walk away for good.

 

[Visionist]

A woman can make you believe anything if you're a willing victim of her whöreshît.

In Die Hard 2: Die Harder the baddies crash a DC-8 by resetting the glideslope to a lower altitude.



This whole scene is Hollywood fiction. But what does the audience do? They willingly buy into it. As the audience, we're invested in what happens, because the film compels us to invest.

Women do the same thing. They compel you to invest, then pull the rug out from beneath your feet and complain when you bang your head.

Do not invest in women. Invest in movies.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

Wow that sounds like my recent ex BF. Really trying but then screws up royally and begs back. Eventually you can’t give more chances. Life is too short. I LOVED my ex. But he’s very broken and it’s not my job to fix him or manage him. You can’t become the enabler. And that is who you become if you cannot walk away for good.

Very true. I learned long ago that I can't fix people. My recent mistake is in thinking that someone who wants a relationship bad enough to beg me to stay with them and work things out will implement changes needed to make it work. I'm sure SOME people can, but the longer I am alive and the more people I meet and date, the more rare I realize that to be. Jealousy, insecurity, unhappiness, desire to have control over everything, and neediness are deep-rooted issues where there is a 0.00001% chance of them changing. Maybe through therapy and years of self-reflection this can be achieved, but that's not going to happen during the relationship. Not to mention the fact that people who are control-freaks are very stubborn and are also the LEAST-likely people to implement difficult self-change.

 

[RangerMIke]

Women do the same thing. They compel you to invest, then pull the rug out from beneath your feet and complain when you bang your head.

Truth... emotionally damaged women are especially good at this. They understand, because that is the way they became emotionally damaged.... the more effort you put into something, the more committed a person becomes to stay on a course that does not serve your needs.

Just about every woman I know has some dude in their past that they gave everything for, she was all in and she became obsessed with him. Many of these women, even though it was YEARS ago, will drop whatever is going on in her life and go running back to this man if he ever bounced back in the picture. I have seen this many many times... the man just gets imprinted on their soul and they can never really shake it. This is why a man, if he wants to try and make an LTR work with a chick, has to make sure there are ZERO exes floating around... but really, if one of her exes happens to be a man she was obsessed with is gone, but later comes back... well you have a situation you will have to deal with anyway.

Women know how obsession works... they might not rationally understand how this happens, but sub-consciously they know the harder you try with something the more committed you become. You might not understand the physics of how your hand gets burned on a stove, but you know if you touch a hot stove you will get burned.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

Women know how obsession works... they might not rationally understand how this happens, but sub-consciously they know the harder you try with something the more committed you become.

Ah yes, the "Sunk Cost Fallacy"

Sunk-Cost Fallacy

Reasoning that further investment is warranted on the fact that the resources already invested will be lost otherwise, not taking into consideration the overall losses involved in the further investment.

www.logicallyfallacious.com

Description: Reasoning that further investment is warranted on the fact that the resources already invested will be lost otherwise, not taking into consideration the overall losses involved in the further investment.

The girl I was dating actually used that on me a lot. "We've been together for nine months.... we shouldn't just throw away what we have because of some issue we can work on."
1. Yes we should
2. Because no we can't work on it. You are incapable, and have demonstrated that on a nearly weekly basis.

 

[Barrister]

Yes - whenever there is a breakup there always has to be justification for why it is happening for either party. That generally looks a lot different depending on who you ask. Some personality types will justify how they feel by having a laundry list of what they perceive to be major problems you have that caused the breakup. I don't think it needs to be said that this usually is a defense mechanism -- especially if they were the ones that got dumped. This isn't to say there isn't necessarily truth to it -- just that ultimately what is a problem for one person may have more to do with their own personality or problems than it does with you.