A friend introduced me to rationalmale.com and that’s how I’ve ended up here; any help would be appreciated.
I’m 44 and recently realized AFC; She’s 33; and married since June 2016. We’re both of Persian background; I grew up here from age 11; she grew up in Iran (a country where woman have no legal rights) until 25; both of us were virgins until 1 month after we started dating; I’m a physician (she LOVES doctors!!!) and she has a college degree from Iran, does not speak English very well, and has been trying to get a repeat bio degree here for past 9 years since she moved to the States.
Our story is that I knew nothing about women, I had dated a bunch, but longest girlfriend was only a few months. I always thought I wanted to wait for the dream girl, and once this girl arrived, I went to town… put her on a pedestal … proposed to her up at 15,000 ft in a hot air balloon ride… although financially reluctant, I spent near 70K on a grand wedding for her; took her to France for honeymoon… kept buying her jewelries…more expensive vacations… I think by now you get the picture…. I did however, put a heavy duty prenuptial agreement in front of her;
6 months after our wedding and her intermittent whining about why she has to continue to study…. I pushed her to get the family started and although she was ambivalent about it, finally conceded. The first two weeks of pregnancy was the first time I saw the hatred toward me on her face. She cut off the sex for the reminder of the pregnancy, got me to buy her an apartment to give her the security she needed. My beautiful baby boy was born in Jan 2018 and I began my fatherly duties: changing diapers, helping with night feeds, helping with weekend chores and her postpartum ordeals. Meanwhile, continuing to work harder and harder at the hospital as the sole provider for the family in expensive San Diego, California.
Our first shouting match happened in 9/2018 and the contempt continued to build up. Aug 9, 2019- I moved out for 30 days and cut out the MONEY! although now she tells she was scared to death, she never showed it and kept her cool and did not ask me to come back until I did on my own. I wanted to see if she would come running after me and she did not! 3 weeks after I moved back in, in October 2019 she filed for a divorce after a big fight.
She did not move out until Feb 2020 when the court was to order temporary alimony money. That is, we spent a wonderful Thanksgiving and Christmas season together, and although I did not reopen the joint bank account, we went on vacations and I would let her spend whenever she wanted something. And she would suggest all along that she would dismiss the case. In January she caught me by surprise and took me to court and artfully got a custody order to her favor and took her lawyer’s advice to move out. I, the dutiful father and husband (now understand, full AFC) chased her, begged her to not move out. But she did… she manipulatively stole the custody schedule to her favor and now uses my son as a ploy to keep her relationship with me. I started serious counseling, but she refused to come…hanging out with me, coming over to clean up and make food once in a while, but keeping her distance and getting an apartment, insisting on not staying over more than a few nights here and there. She finally said, she would move back if I changed the prenup to give her legal rights back as a woman in California. So, this AFC-DOC did just that. Now it’s been a month and she still has not dismissed the case, and I have decided enough is enough. A friend gave me the Rational Male to read. I see the light, but I cannot jump ship. My biggest pain is my 2.5 year old son and the disruption in his family life. I struggle with myself day and night to try and save this marriage for his sake because I see that he's happier when we're together. We don't hate each other. But it's a constant game. If security is a woman’s primary objective, then aren't I to blame for cutting out the money, moving out, and the prenup?? As Rollo Tomassi says, if there is no perfect one woman, and I’m to create one, shouldn’t I continue to work at this? After all, she did give up her virginity to me! I get that the ONEitis is how I got here and I try to look around and move on, but for the sake of my boy, does anyone recommend any sosuave techniques to get her to come her crawling back?
I’m 44 and recently realized AFC; She’s 33; and married since June 2016. We’re both of Persian background; I grew up here from age 11; she grew up in Iran (a country where woman have no legal rights) until 25; both of us were virgins until 1 month after we started dating; I’m a physician (she LOVES doctors!!!) and she has a college degree from Iran, does not speak English very well, and has been trying to get a repeat bio degree here for past 9 years since she moved to the States.
Our story is that I knew nothing about women, I had dated a bunch, but longest girlfriend was only a few months. I always thought I wanted to wait for the dream girl, and once this girl arrived, I went to town… put her on a pedestal … proposed to her up at 15,000 ft in a hot air balloon ride… although financially reluctant, I spent near 70K on a grand wedding for her; took her to France for honeymoon… kept buying her jewelries…more expensive vacations… I think by now you get the picture…. I did however, put a heavy duty prenuptial agreement in front of her;
6 months after our wedding and her intermittent whining about why she has to continue to study…. I pushed her to get the family started and although she was ambivalent about it, finally conceded. The first two weeks of pregnancy was the first time I saw the hatred toward me on her face. She cut off the sex for the reminder of the pregnancy, got me to buy her an apartment to give her the security she needed. My beautiful baby boy was born in Jan 2018 and I began my fatherly duties: changing diapers, helping with night feeds, helping with weekend chores and her postpartum ordeals. Meanwhile, continuing to work harder and harder at the hospital as the sole provider for the family in expensive San Diego, California.
Our first shouting match happened in 9/2018 and the contempt continued to build up. Aug 9, 2019- I moved out for 30 days and cut out the MONEY! although now she tells she was scared to death, she never showed it and kept her cool and did not ask me to come back until I did on my own. I wanted to see if she would come running after me and she did not! 3 weeks after I moved back in, in October 2019 she filed for a divorce after a big fight.
She did not move out until Feb 2020 when the court was to order temporary alimony money. That is, we spent a wonderful Thanksgiving and Christmas season together, and although I did not reopen the joint bank account, we went on vacations and I would let her spend whenever she wanted something. And she would suggest all along that she would dismiss the case. In January she caught me by surprise and took me to court and artfully got a custody order to her favor and took her lawyer’s advice to move out. I, the dutiful father and husband (now understand, full AFC) chased her, begged her to not move out. But she did… she manipulatively stole the custody schedule to her favor and now uses my son as a ploy to keep her relationship with me. I started serious counseling, but she refused to come…hanging out with me, coming over to clean up and make food once in a while, but keeping her distance and getting an apartment, insisting on not staying over more than a few nights here and there. She finally said, she would move back if I changed the prenup to give her legal rights back as a woman in California. So, this AFC-DOC did just that. Now it’s been a month and she still has not dismissed the case, and I have decided enough is enough. A friend gave me the Rational Male to read. I see the light, but I cannot jump ship. My biggest pain is my 2.5 year old son and the disruption in his family life. I struggle with myself day and night to try and save this marriage for his sake because I see that he's happier when we're together. We don't hate each other. But it's a constant game. If security is a woman’s primary objective, then aren't I to blame for cutting out the money, moving out, and the prenup?? As Rollo Tomassi says, if there is no perfect one woman, and I’m to create one, shouldn’t I continue to work at this? After all, she did give up her virginity to me! I get that the ONEitis is how I got here and I try to look around and move on, but for the sake of my boy, does anyone recommend any sosuave techniques to get her to come her crawling back?
