You are totally right, Spaz, with everything you said. This is how it
should be and how it probably would have been if I'd been red pill like 15 years ago. Red pill literature states how important it is to control the frame
right from the start. I did not do this. Hell, when I think about it, I never controlled my own frame ever.
That's why it's so hard for me to execute that radical move of separating from her. 42 years of living without frame. Putting every really attractive girlfriend on a pedestal (which caused them to leave). LTRs before my wife have had a significantly lower SMV than I had. I didn't put them on a pedestral. Relationships worked, but I ended them because I didn't find them attractive enough.
The last 12 years have been so lopsided. And the most annoying aspect is that this was all so unneccissary. I always had the tools (looks, status, money, willpower, intelligence) to be a man, any wife/girlfriend would be afraid to lose. Instead of being and acting confident, I was putting her on a pedestal (see attractive girlfriends above), watching porn and leaving every single decision to her. Not only didn't I not have a vision for our relationship, I didn't have any vision at all. She even took care that I apply for the job I have today and that I register for the gym. I was hesitant, because it would reduce the time I could help her with the chores. While the Titanic was steering towards an iceberg, I was busy cleaning the railing. When I came home from work, I was picking up the kids from their respective activities, doing chores and asking what to buy from the supermarket. I was doing what a good
wife is supposed to do...
That f.ck buddy said to me: I don't understand why she cheated on you. You have everything a woman like her should ever want.
And you're such a nice guy! (And we all know that being that nice guy was a big part of the problem.)
That's why I have difficulties in seing her as the one who needs to be punished for her behavior. Deep down, I don't see what she did as a misbehavior towards her husband. Because I never was an actual husband/man (and we all know this). I was a wife. And later, a wife with a beer belly. And her behavior is not a
misbehavior but the very exact and predictable behavior that you get in return. One of only two logical consequences (the other one would have been leaving me).
That's no excuse for her behavior. It's more like I see myself and no one other in an
active role for my wellbeing. All other beings (including my wife, my kids or my dog) merely
react to my actions. Does this reflect the concept of
mental point of origin?
The paragraphs about reaping what you sow may sound as whiny self-pity. But that's not how I feel about it. Rather I see so much untapped potential. I pushed the wrong buttons, so I got the wrong results. Now I ask you to help me to push the right buttons. I don't want to replace the whole machine yet.
ShePays said:
Being hopelessly in love with your own wife is adorable.... and being terrified of losing your family is understandable... but, both emotions give wives far more power than they can responsibly handle; like giving a ten year old birthday boy an M60 machine gun, instead of a BB gun, it's just a countdown to tragedy.
I fully agree. And I notice a shift inside me. Was it like 'I can't imagine living without her' half a year ago, it's now more like 'I really, really would rather fix this'. I understand that it's all about knowing that you're able to stand up and burst a bad deal - or you will get one. That doesn't neccessarily mean that you
will actually stand up and go. I know that I have to develop such a mentality. However, this is a process. It doesn't happen overnight.
ShePays said:
If you can't convince your wife that you're as steady and essential to her life as the sunrise, you need to make yourself as temperamental and welcome as Kansas rain. Let the bulk of the emotional need and fear of loss weigh down her side of the love scale, or you will be a very unhappy man.
I'm not sure if I fully understood this metaphor (english is not my native language). Can you elaborate on this? Are there single day-to-day actions that you (or others) can suggest?
samspade said:
Just remember that in any situation, one person is always more fearful of losing the other, and right now that still sounds like you.
Let's try to change it!