Advice needed

[lamath]

This is not something i had to deal with before, but ive been feeling like crap this last week.





I need some advice....im sure i would know what to tell someone if this happened to them but detachment is very hard right now. I need perspective.

So i dumped the women ive been seeing for over a year last week, she was a good women but she needed more attention that i could give.
I'm sure it was the right decision and i'm feeling good about it.

A few days after i received a phonecall from my other ex the mother of my 2 daughter that i was 12 yers with, telling me she has met someone and that my girls are gonna meet him.


Man that hit me like a truck......its been ****ing with my head since then, been feeling like crap and i even FB stalk the guy.
I would never even see the guy has a challenge if we would be going for the same women, so she downgraded and got what she could get.
Ive not shown ex how it got to me and hopefully i wont, Ive also insisted to keep my girls a few days more this week because my oldest was sick, so ex can have time with new bf if she wants.


When reflecting on that possibility before I was sure i could handle it like a king, not sure why.....it hit that hard.
Im acting like a loser

Timing does not help obv



I left the mother of my children less that 2 year ago, she got extremely fat and had become a big pain in the ass guilt tripping me withh passive agressiveness.
She gave me a very hard time since then, i even had to ask to deal with a mediator because she often got out of line many times.
She did lose alot of weight since than and starting to look better.

Never wanted her back since then even tough i miss the family life with my girls often.


Been trying to limit my social network stalking of him and her, but i have a hard time.

I know this is just not helping.

I dont think its an abundance problem, ive always felt quite good on my ability to get women that interest me, but plate for some reason is not my thing for some reason i cant do the man man ***** thing, i need to be very attracted to women to go for it and sadly i dont find many that interesting.

Trying to stay busy as possible right now, and ive even added 30 min more cardio to my daily work out, seems to help a bit.


Hopefully i can shake this **** out of my system fast enough.
Been losing appetite and sleep
I dont like what it is doing to me.

 

[Lookatu]

Sorry to hear man but keep positive. As long as you are a good dad to your children and you still have your health and looks, it's just a matter of time for you to find a good LTR, if that is what you want and that is what your focus is.

As for the way you're feeling, is it because you are seeing your ex happy having found someone, while you're still looking? Or is it the fact that your kid(s) will have another male figure in their lives?

 

[gettinit]

That really sucks. Although this hasn't happened to me, a good friend went through something similar. His marriage had come to a tumultuous end and he had (after a year and a half) finally gotten on civil speaking terms with his ex. He was six months into a new relationship when he got the same news. It messed with his head quite a bit to a point where he drove his girlfriend off in under two weeks. He was pretty messed up for a while, but in the end he attributed it to finally mourning his marriage. It was a finality of it and that another man was officially ruling the roost, even though he had no desire to take his place. Don't be so hard on yourself. Nobody but a cold narcissist feels nothing. You come across on here as a smart, level headed guy and I feel like captain obvious with this next statement: Like everything else, it will pass with time. I wish that I could offer more, but really don't think that there is any other fix. Hang in there.

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

It’s normal. You are human. It’s messing with your ego, that’s all. Sometimes the way people back rationalize things is to think well gee, I don’t want that person any more, they were awful for XYZ reasons. And then make the mistake of thinking everybody else will know what you know and experience what you experienced. Only that isn’t reality.

Reality is that every relationship is a unique dynamic between two individuals and all individuals are constantly changing within the dynamic. You were with this gal a dozen years. Obviously there were good qualities and good times. You in your ego assumed that she cannot replace you.

You think she settled per your OP...again your ego is wounded because she’s the one whose found a serious partner faster than you. Therefore she is “winning” in that sense...and you are feeling down because you don’t see him or her as on your level of competition so you are affronted (what do they have that you don’t have/why are they worthy of something meaningful and you aren’t)....

That’s the trick fvck you are running through your mind. It’s not a competition. Not a contest. But your subconscious has set it up that way.

This is an opportunity for you to face yourself and mature. As far as the guy involved, you want him to be a solid person. Your kids are going to be interacting with him. If she’s in a healthy relationship that is a net positive for your kids. It might help stabilize their mother and be a good influence. I’d ask your ex about what kind of person he is and see if you are comfortable. She is entitled to have her life independent of you.

But the way you feel is normal and a reflection of where you are on the maturity spectrum. Use it as an opportunity to grow.

Time will heal you. Hang in there.

 

[lamath]

Sorry to hear man but keep positive. As long as you are a good dad to your children and you still have your health and looks, it's just a matter of time for you to find a good LTR, if that is what you want and that is what your focus is.

As for the way you're feeling, is it because you are seeing your ex happy having found someone, while you're still looking? Or is it the fact that your kid(s) will have another male figure in their lives?

Not sure man, i dont think i m afraid of them having an other dad, maybe i had her as a back up in some way in my mind or jealousy,,,,
I made her feel very bad when i found someone else , so i guess i had this coming timing made it much worst too.

 

[lamath]

That really sucks. Although this hasn't happened to me, a good friend went through something similar. His marriage had come to a tumultuous end and he had (after a year and a half) finally gotten on civil speaking terms with his ex. He was six months into a new relationship when he got the same news. It messed with his head quite a bit to a point where he drove his girlfriend off in under two weeks. He was pretty messed up for a while, but in the end he attributed it to finally mourning his marriage. It was a finality of it and that another man was officially ruling the roost, even though he had no desire to take his place. Don't be so hard on yourself. Nobody but a cold narcissist feels nothing. You come across on here as a smart, level headed guy and I feel like captain obvious with this next statement: Like everything else, it will pass with time. I wish that I could offer more, but really don't think that there is any other fix. Hang in there.

Thank you man, today was better tbh so we will see how things goes.

 

[Lookatu]

Not sure man, i dont think i m afraid of them having an other dad, maybe i had her as a back up in some way in my mind or jealousy,,,,
I made her feel very bad when i found someone else , so i guess i had this coming timing made it much worst too.

Yeah I can see that. Just remember, you broke up with your baby mama and now your recent gf. If you're the one breaking it off, you gotta take some accountability for that but move on too. It would be different if they broke it off with you.

Like @BeExcellent was saying, just make sure he's a good person and has the capacity to take care of your kid(s) when you're not around. You may also establish some ground rules for the both of you as far as introducing your gf/bf to your kids and what time or criterias those should be for the future.

 

[lamath]

Advice from the old lady:

It’s normal. You are human. It’s messing with your ego, that’s all. Sometimes the way people back rationalize things is to think well gee, I don’t want that person any more, they were awful for XYZ reasons. And then make the mistake of thinking everybody else will know what you know and experience what you experienced. Only that isn’t reality.

Reality is that every relationship is a unique dynamic between two individuals and all individuals are constantly changing within the dynamic. You were with this gal a dozen years. Obviously there were good qualities and good times. You in your ego assumed that she cannot replace you.

You think she settled per your OP...again your ego is wounded because she’s the one whose found a serious partner faster than you. Therefore she is “winning” in that sense...and you are feeling down because you don’t see him or her as on your level of competition so you are affronted (what do they have that you don’t have/why are they worthy of something meaningful and you aren’t)....

That’s the trick fvck you are running through your mind. It’s not a competition. Not a contest. But your subconscious has set it up that way.

This is an opportunity for you to face yourself and mature. As far as the guy involved, you want him to be a solid person. Your kids are going to be interacting with him. If she’s in a healthy relationship that is a net positive for your kids. It might help stabilize their mother and be a good influence. I’d ask your ex about what kind of person he is and see if you are comfortable. She is entitled to have her life independent of you.

But the way you feel is normal and a reflection of where you are on the maturity spectrum. Use it as an opportunity to grow.

Time will heal you. Hang in there.

Thanks
I know very well its my ego, ive reflected many time in the past about how i would feel about this, was sure i could handle it.
I think there is also the fact that thats almost 2 year seperated made me forget how bad it was.....

 

[dustmuffin]

My ex wife hasn’t dated anyone that I know of. But if she did I would shake his hand and say better you than me. I understand where you are coming from. Like some of the others have said. In time it will pass.

 

[jaymbrs]

It's the timing of it all TBH. As for their mother, you gotta be accepting of her finding another man. But your kids will always be your kids and they'll always love you more than any other male in their life, as long as you show them that love, affection and attention.

 

[17 shots]

Bro I know exactly know what you need to hear... you ready... and you know this is the truth... here it comes...




Her relationship with him will most likely fail. She'll never find a man that'll love her and stick around. In fact, I'll guarantee it. If she's still with this guy, this same time next year, I owe you 50$

 

[andreihaha]

This is both good and bad news.
Yes, it might hurt at first but you know deep inside that it's a good thing that she's found someone knew. She pretty much asked you for permission to date this guy and or him to meet your kids. That shows that while things are done romantically between you two, she still respects you a lot. I don't see why you wouldn't do the same, her being happy might make things better for your kids also.

The only thing you can do is to keep being a good father for your kids.

And eventually the only thing that heals a broken heart is time. And another woman. I think this situation will not really bother you once you find another interesting woman.

Best luck with this, seems like a hard thing to get through.

 

[lostintime]

You gotta feel it to heal it man. I know that sounds corny but it's true. Don't run from those feelings. In fact, the next time you're alone at that and are thinking about it, allow yourself to really have a good cry if you want. Get it out. You have children with her and just broke up with another woman. It doesn't make you a p$ussy to feel bad right now. Most people would feel bad if they were in your situation. It's OK. You'll be OK.

 

[lamath]

Thank You for all the kind words, im already doing much better.

 

[Black Widow Void]

I know what it's like when... you're on the 'inside' of a situation and it's difficult to step outside the equation to get clarity.

Seeing as though I enjoy reading your perspectives, I wish I could offer more food for thought here. Not being a parent, I can only offer the perspective of kid that grew up with divorced parents.

When seeing your daughters, it might be tempting to fish for information. I would advise against this. Speaking from experience (even as young as six) I could see right through both of my parents 'casually' bringing up certain conversations. Kids are a lot more perceptive than adults probably realize. Your children will feel a lot more comfortable around you if you do not bring up certain subjects.

This guy will be around your children and so there's nothing wrong with trying to find out who he is. Also, it's highly likely that he's also visited your page as well. I'm sure that at this point, he already knows that he can't measure up.

One thing I thought I should prepare you for. If this guy hangs around for long, he will probably do his best to make a good impression on your children. I wouldn't feel threatened about this. This would be normal because if children like us, it helps with the woman that we're seeing. I mention this because he may temporarily be viewed as the "fun guy" but don't let that get you down. That image never lasts too long.

Good luck with this situation.

 

[lamath]

I know what it's like when... you're on the 'inside' of a situation and it's difficult to step outside the equation to get clarity.

Seeing as though I enjoy reading your perspectives, I wish I could offer more food for thought here. Not being a parent, I can only offer the perspective of kid that grew up with divorced parents.

When seeing your daughters, it might be tempting to fish for information. I would advise against this. Speaking from experience (even as young as six) I could see right through both of my parents 'casually' bringing up certain conversations. Kids are a lot more perceptive than adults probably realize. Your children will feel a lot more comfortable around you if you do not bring up certain subjects.

This guy will be around your children and so there's nothing wrong with trying to find out who he is. Also, it's highly likely that he's also visited your page as well. I'm sure that at this point, he already knows that he can't measure up.

One thing I thought I should prepare you for. If this guy hangs around for long, he will probably do his best to make a good impression on your children. I wouldn't feel threatened about this. This would be normal because if children like us, it helps with the woman that we're seeing. I mention this because he may temporarily be viewed as the "fun guy" but don't let that get you down. That image never lasts too long.

Good luck with this situation.

Greatly appreciated i needed the reminder of not questioning.my kids

This was probably a blesaing in diguise tbh, made me realise lots of things i needed to specify to my lawyer in the seperation papers.