Broke no contact after 4 months.

[bcude]

The orobl
the problem is not let go.

I can do that, no contact and time will do the thing.

But our kids are friends, and he is moving here in 6 weeks. She will come to pick him up at least 2 to 3 times a month, night overs at her place. Possibly her daughter coming to mind too. The kids talk Daily like 5 hours,, online games, video chat etc.

I'm gonna have to see her several times a month, it's going to be painful. It's going to be very hard to hold frame especially in the mental state I am now.

Ricardo,
Do you want your son to see you completely cucked in front of this ex of yours everytime you interact, just because you want the children to have play dates? Children pick up on everything.
You're his masculine role model in this life. Think about that and the example you're setting for him everyday, all day through your behavior.
Everything starts with adopting the right mindset, then your behavior will follow. She needs to go man, i mean completely gone from your life. You're not in a state of mind where you can handle this in any sort of healthy manner.

 

[Glassguy]

The orobl
the problem is not let go.

I can do that, no contact and time will do the thing.

But our kids are friends, and he is moving here in 6 weeks. She will come to pick him up at least 2 to 3 times a month, night overs at her place. Possibly her daughter coming to mind too. The kids talk Daily like 5 hours,, online games, video chat etc.

I'm gonna have to see her several times a month, it's going to be painful. It's going to be very hard to hold frame especially in the mental state I am now.

Soooo? Dont let him go over there. They arent "OUR" kids. You have your kids, she has her kids. They can communicate and work out when they want to hang out. You have to do nothing.

All I see from you are excuses. Kids? Therapy? Are you fvcking serious? It was a 7 month fling.

Do you realize this is why she left? Because you act like a pvssy instead of a man? Seriously........get a grip dude.

Want to know what I would have done when it was over after 7 months? Had one of my standbys come over that night. And a different one the next night.

Stop making excuses and do something. Stop being the victim here like you are a child. Grow up.

 

[Mike41090]

I'm not doing too well if I'm honest guys. Maybe I need seek professional help. It'd not about being weak or strong anymore. I'm really in physical pain. I can't move on left go. I have the need to call her which I haven't yet. Very day is painful. I know I'm gonna see her in few weeks and is gonna be a hell, me trying to get her back and her probably cold...

I always put myself in these positions, that's why all my exes treat me like dirt.

Just take a break from dating and don’t make women a priority whatsoever. I’ve done it before and it’s actually a huge breath of fresh air.

 

[RicBoy]

Just take a break from dating and don’t make women a priority whatsoever. I’ve done it before and it’s actually a huge breath of fresh air.

Yeah as hard as it is seems like she is done with me. Not replying to email and birthday msg speaks volumes.
Gonna be painful to see her in August whn my son moves here and after that couple of times a month

 

[Spaz]

You sent me a PM yesterday which I didn't and will never reply. Its not because I don't want to help but you're had more then enough advices from other members.

Ur problems all stems from a lack of having a solid frame, it makes you act weak, it makes you abusive, it makes you fickle, it makes you unable to stand up for yourself, it makes other people around you look at you in pity, it also makes you end up being lonely.

A man's frame is the sum total of his being, because of that it can't be faked, it can't be copied and nobody can teach you.

But we can guide you and the rest of the hardwork has to be put in by yourself.

Don't just come here seeking answers to ur problem but doing nothing in return, it doesn't work like that.

 

[RicBoy]

You sent me a PM yesterday which I didn't and will never reply. Its not because I don't want to help but you're had more then enough advices from other members.

Ur problems all stems from a lack of having a solid frame, it makes you act weak, it makes you abusive, it makes you fickle, it makes you unable to stand up for yourself, it makes other people around you look at you in pity, it also makes you end up being lonely.

A man's frame is the sum total of his being, because of that it can't be faked, it can't be copied and nobody can teach you.

But we can guide you and the rest of the hardwork has to be put in by yourself.

Don't just come here seeking answers to ur problem but doing nothing in return, it doesn't work like that.

I like your post and make so much sense. Like other guy that if I act like a dog always chasing, regardless how I'm treated then all my exes will treat me like dirt.

1 -I have to decide and fast if I let the kids have their friendship and just hi and bye when I see my ex and maybe one day she open up to me or maybe she won't.

2- Or when she calls I'll just say that the kids will no longer meet, we are not together so there's no point. Either we are dating or casually seeing each other or their will be no more connection between us. (of course I have to word it in a way it doesn't sound that I'm blackmail her for sex using the kid)

Whatever I decide i need to stand up to it because I've gone back on my word one too many times.

 

[derby1]

2 - the kids will no longer meet, hold frame for her abuse and shaming tactics and put the phone down on her.

can we request Mods shut this thread now. OP has the best advice given, and its starting to look like trolling

 

[Atom Smasher]

You’re teaching your son to be a wuss. You really need to climb out of this ridiculous obsession of yours. You’re damaging both yourself and your son.

This was only a 7 month relationship? Come on, man, it’s time for you to take a step back and look how pitiful this looks in our eyes. Do you realize that you’re completely cutting yourself off from finding a new relationship?

You’re trying to hop aboard a ship that sailed long ago. And worse, you’re using the children as leverage to try and rekindle this dead relationship. Father of the year you ain’t.

It’s time for you to think of what you’re teaching your son here. Is this relationship your son has with this little girl even healthy in the first place? Why isn’t his best friend a boy?

Truly you’re beating a dead horse. A MAN does not put himself in a position like this. He cuts his losses, moves on and conquers NEW territory.

Every day you’re living with a rotting, stinking corpse, which is your previous relationship. Stop thinking of only yourself and start to think about what’s good long-term for your son. I’ll spell it out for you: What’s good for your son is to watch his dad firmly handle his business.

You’ve come here for advice, have seen 100% consensus from us as to what is going on and how to handle yourself like a man in this situation, yet it rolls off you like water off a duck’s back.

Your son will be watching his chicken-sh!t father make a fool of himself if you continue on this trajectory. Is that what you want?

If not, then man up and handle your business. Close off this relationship COMPLETELY and find yourself a better woman.

 

[xplt]

Whatever I decide i need to stand up to it because I've gone back on my word one too many times.

Yes. Do yourself a favor and develop some selfrespect. Accept what happened, forgive yourself and stop trying to solve this situation. You're prolonging your pain. She's not interested in you anymore, that should give you the closure you need.
Nothing new said.
Try to develop more selfworth. To me, you seem very insecure - perhaps you create drama in your relationships to get reassurance. You won't ever get better if you continue like that.

 

[Glassguy]

Either we are dating or casually seeing each other or their will be no more connection between us.

More beta moves. Which you seem really good at btw.

You. Dont. Fvcking. Get. It.

And you never will. Lost cause.

 

[Aniki1818]

This is a much deeper problem. You've mentioned that this isn't the first time you have been like this over someone. There is a root cause for this and you have to find out exactly why you are like this and where it started. It usually stems from childhood. It's a psychological problem. Your perception on love and relationships and gender dynamics seems to be skewed. It is ok, I have issues i'm also working on. But find out when this cycle started happening and what triggered it. You will be fine, work on yourself.

But don't be like this with anyone ever again.

 

[Zontyy]

Either we are dating or casually seeing each other or their will be no more connection between us.

Glassguy already said it but I need to say it again because your not getting it. It is over between you and her, you can't negotiate yourself into a relationship and use your child as a pawn it is weak and pathetic . It will never be anything this woman is going to be disgusted by you even more.

You need to do a 180 and walk away.

 

[lamath]

This is just an excuse to stay in contact with her and your holding out hope. The bible says the "heart is treacherous" your only deceiving yourself.

They can still be friends and do online games and video chats. You don't have to allow your son to go on sleep overs with this woman and her kids. Ask yourself what is better for your son, a few sleep overs or your mental state as his father.

@RicBoy this is spot on.
And you dont have to see her even if she comes to pick him up or you drop him off.
Avoid all contact for now

 

[Spaz]

I like your post and make so much sense. Like other guy that if I act like a dog always chasing, regardless how I'm treated then all my exes will treat me like dirt.

1 -I have to decide and fast if I let the kids have their friendship and just hi and bye when I see my ex and maybe one day she open up to me or maybe she won't.

2- Or when she calls I'll just say that the kids will no longer meet, we are not together so there's no point. Either we are dating or casually seeing each other or their will be no more connection between us. (of course I have to word it in a way it doesn't sound that I'm blackmail her for sex using the kid)

Whatever I decide i need to stand up to it because I've gone back on my word one too many times.

I don't think you understand what I meant, however that's fine, right now ur worldview is of someone who acts passively and requires validation, especially from women.

I strongly suggest you read up the DJ Bible, it will help with some understanding, and this will help strengthen ur frame.

But reading alone is not enough, you need to act on it and to be able to do it properly, you'll need practise. All these will take time.

Women are not your goal, it should never be because for women, men are their goal in life because they by themselves can't do much nor able to create the world they currently live in, its men that does that - this is a fact that cannot be disputed.

Right now, you should focus on building up as a man, forget abt women.

Once you're properly in the right frame, women will be easy.

Easy because women are always on the lookout for strong framed men.

 

[RicBoy]

I don't think you understand what I meant, however that's fine, right now ur worldview is of someone who acts passively and requires validation, especially from women.

I strongly suggest you read up the DJ Bible, it will help with some understanding, and this will help strengthen ur frame.

But reading alone is not enough, you need to act on it and to be able to do it properly, you'll need practise. All these will take time.

Women are not your goal, it should never be because for women, men are their goal in life because they by themselves can't do much nor able to create the world they currently live in, its men that does that - this is a fact that cannot be disputed.

Right now, you should focus on building up as a man, forget abt women.

Once you're properly in the right frame, women will be easy.

Easy because women are always on the lookout for strong framed men.

When she left me I was unemployed and living with a roomate. In fact I had been unemployed for 5 years depressed, doing nothing.

My situation right now is, I got a new place near the sea really nice, I got a cleaning job. My ex is a supervisor in another cleaning job company that does the same the company I work for does. Funny enough I love it. They gave me a company car I'm able to take home. I do home cleaning, wash windows. I make over 2k a month on my bank account I'm OK. I love this job because every day is different, driving around the big city, other cities etc.

Because I'm stable now, I'm bringing my son to live with me. He is been abroad with my parents for 5 years. Big decison to start a life with him. His mom doesn't really care for him all that much and also lives abroad.

I've been in the gym now for nearly 5 months 3 to 4 times a week. I made new friends I go out sometimes and started reading books..

Now my big problem comes now. I have a very obsessive personality. I'm very competitive, I used to be a professional runner, semi professional poker player. I hate losing. I devote hours days weeks years to be the best.

When I lose a woman my first priority is to get her back and show her I can re-attract her. I could have the hottest woman in the world naked in my bed, I wouldn't even be attracted, I'd prefer to get my ex back instead. That's how I operate. Thats why I get stuck for months and years on exes.

My exes know this and get turned off

Quick story...My kid's mom left me in 2012 for a guy she stayed with 8 years...during their first year together I did the impossibles to sleep with her twice in their 4th and 10th month together. I just had to do it.

Last Xmas she left him. She called 8 years later and she came to my place took a plane etc to spend Xmas with me and our kid. We slept same bed 2 weeks. I think she came to see if I had changed. I couldn't do it. I kept talking to her about my last ex and what to do to get her back for days.
She finally told me you're still the same obsessive guy, spending too much time with you gives me headache. And she left back to her country, we barely talk now. She move in with another guy.

Bottom of line I need to fight this obsession I have its killing my relationships, makes me do a lot of mistakes like breaking no contact and not holding frame.

 

[RicBoy]

For the poeple that didn't follow my other thread I make a quick note here.

Me and my ex were doing great. We decided to travel back to my country for a month to meet my family per her request. When we were there, for the first time after 5 months she posted pics of us in fb and ig. I teased her and asked why she said "because I'm falling for you silly".
When holiday was over, she started complaining she was running out of money to feed everyone. I was unemployed and at her place a lot. She said I can give you a job. I started working for her.

At her company we were 5 people in the department. I got all the jobs. The other 4 girls started complaining they didn't have enough work. They talked a lot of nasty things to my ex about me. I was rusty so I also got complaints from few customers. 2 weeks after I started at her company, with my ex cooking for me breakfast, dinner, meals to take to work, and washing my work clothes daily, she started to close off emotionally and staying she was feeling smothered. I also hadn't got my first salary yet, so we were broke. Remember she has a daughter too to feed. She didn't want to have sex for like 5 days because of all this so I panicked, shouted and pushed her during an argument and tried to rip off her pants and she kicked me out. 5 days later I showed up unannounced to talk to her she didn't open the door, I rang the bell a bunch of times, she finally came outside with all my clothes and said its over, ur acting like a crazy maniac, look at you ffs.. I chased and call for a month and she blocked me everywhere. Eventually a month later I got fired from the work...

 

[Spaz]

When she left me I was unemployed and living with a roomate. In fact I had been unemployed for 5 years depressed, doing nothing.

My situation right now is, I got a new place near the sea really nice, I got a cleaning job. My ex is a supervisor in another cleaning job company that does the same the company I work for does. Funny enough I love it. They gave me a company car I'm able to take home. I do home cleaning, wash windows. I make over 2k a month on my bank account I'm OK. I love this job because every day is different, driving around the big city, other cities etc.

Because I'm stable now, I'm bringing my son to live with me. He is been abroad with my parents for 5 years. Big decison to start a life with him. His mom doesn't really care for him all that much and also lives abroad.

I've been in the gym now for nearly 5 months 3 to 4 times a week. I made new friends I go out sometimes and started reading books..

Now my big problem comes now. I have a very obsessive personality. I'm very competitive, I used to be a professional runner, semi professional poker player. I hate losing. I devote hours days weeks years to be the best.

When I lose a woman my first priority is to get her back and show her I can re-attract her. I could have the hottest woman in the world naked in my bed, I wouldn't even be attracted, I'd prefer to get my ex back instead. That's how I operate. Thats why I get stuck for months and years on exes.

My exes know this and get turned off

Quick story...My kid's mom left me in 2012 for a guy she stayed with 8 years...during their first year together I did the impossibles to sleep with her twice in their 4th and 10th month together. I just had to do it.

Last Xmas she left him. She called 8 years later and she came to my place took a plane etc to spend Xmas with me and our kid. We slept same bed 2 weeks. I think she came to see if I had changed. I couldn't do it. I kept talking to her about my last ex and what to do to get her back for days.
She finally told me you're still the same obsessive guy, spending too much time with you gives me headache. And she left back to her country, we barely talk now. She move in with another guy.

Bottom of line I need to fight this obsession I have its killing my relationships, makes me do a lot of mistakes like breaking no contact and not holding frame.

You have an obsession because you don't have any purpose other then getting loved by women.

This is normal.

Men who can't make much strides in life needs something to fill that void, unfortunately it turns to women, which is wrong.

Women depend on men for leadership in a relationship and if you're not doing well then you can't provide that.

1st go and take up a trade craft like servicing ariconds, plumbing or electrical wiring, enrol in any trade schools, it only takes 6 months (sometimes even lesser) or so but you're set for better prospects.

Focus on yourself.

After this is done, we'll guide you to the 2nd step which is frame building.

But this has to be done with baby steps to ensure success.

Now this is ur purpose, sounds nice huh? A man with a purpose vs a man without a purpose.

 

[Atom Smasher]

OP, you obviously have insight as to what is driving this. You used to be a runner. You used to play poker. You hate to lose.

Your problem with women is that you have mis-identified the game. You think that the game you need to win is getting your ex back. In fact, the game is not that at all. Rather, the game you need to win is that of the larger picture... The game is to overcome your dependence on a single girl in order to become a man who calls his own shots when it comes to women.

In a poker game, you don’t slam the cards down on the table because of a bad hand. You either strategize with that hand or you fold and know you’ll do better next time.

Same with running a race. If you stumble, you don’t stop and go back to take that particular step again. Instead you press on.

The victory is in the bigger picture, not in an individual misstep. Victory for you is overcoming this obsession once and for all. Turning and looking backwards guarantees loss. What a hollow “victory” that would be. Manipulating a closed-off woman back into your life is a lost cause. It’s equivalent to obsessing over a single battle and losing the war.

This is not the woman for you. It will never, ever work out. You’re just prolonging your suffering. You are trying to cheat the system. Cheating the system always leaves one empty.

It’s time to grow up and change the way you keep score. You are stuck in an adolescent mindset. Take a step back and realize that the real game is mastery of yourself as a man, not manipulating a woman into perceiving you differently. That is a very childish and even feminine approach.

It strikes me that you need to fix the roof of your house, but you keep putting the ladder up against the wrong house. True victory for a man is mastery over his personal weaknesses and spirit of neediness.

 

[RicBoy]

I have the highest diploma in network engineer. I'm cisco CCIE 10 years. I have also done university. I choose to have a physical job because I chose too. I hues I kept at it because when I was with my ex she was a supervisor so I wanted to impress her. So I kept doing the same job just a different company.

I have to fight back this obsession to get an ex back and planning. I spend ny day thinking of her and how's gonna be when she shows up to pick ny son, stupid things like should I kiss her in the cheek, should I shake her hand or just day hi etc.. I really don't know when I'm like this.

I went to therapy I did 2 sessions, u felt like I was talking to a wall

 

[RicBoy]

OP, you obviously have insight as to what is driving this. You used to be a runner. You used to play poker. You hate to lose.

Your problem with women is that you have mis-identified the game. You think that the game you need to win is getting your ex back. In fact, the game is not that at all. Rather, the game you need to win is that of the larger picture... The game is to overcome your dependence on a single girl in order to become a man who calls his own shots when it comes to women.

In a poker game, you don’t slam the cards down on the table because of a bad hand. You either strategize with that hand or you fold and know you’ll do better next time.

Same with running a race. If you stumble, you don’t stop and go back to take that particular step again. Instead you press on.

The victory is in the bigger picture, not in an individual misstep. Victory for you is overcoming this obsession once and for all. Turning and looking backwards guarantees loss. What a hollow “victory” that would be. Manipulating a closed-off woman back into your life is a lost cause. It’s equivalent to obsessing over a single battle and losing the war.

This is not the woman for you. It will never, ever work out. You’re just prolonging your suffering. You are trying to cheat the system. Cheating the system always leaves one empty.

It’s time to grow up and change the way you keep score. You are stuck in an adolescent mindset. Take a step back and realize that the real game is mastery of yourself as a man, not manipulating a woman into perceiving you differently. That is a very childish and even feminine approach.

It strikes me that you need to fix the roof of your house, but you keep putting the ladder up against the wrong house. True victory for a man is mastery over his personal weaknesses and spirit of neediness.

You seem to be a very knowledgeable man. I will try to see the bigger picture of things. I need to make a decison. I know many people told me here to cut contact between the kids no more play dates.

I spoke to my dad which I consider alpha, few words, had many women and was "married" with 2 women at same. Monday with one women, Tuesday with the other, they both knew.

Bottom of line, he said to let the kids see each other and to let my ex pick him up when she wants. He said for me to step back to be almost invisible in the process to let her do as she pleases without pressure, or barriers. For me not to care at all. He said this is the way a mature man would do and possible the only way for her to see me with different eyes in the future.